Too Late

Yesterday I had a very strange email conversation with Mr.Aloof. That's right, the twat who twisted me up and shat me out a few years ago. After therapy and after I told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms, he would tentatively reach out to me about every 3-6 months. At first these moments of contact frightened me, but as time passed, I began to feel nothing. If anything, I felt a bit bitchy towards him.

I suppose it shows just how over everything I am. He holds zero power over me, although he can still irritate me, it's mainly for being a stupid twat, not for actually harming me in any way. I guess I allow this intermittent contact because I remember that I actually really liked this person once. That there were qualities about him that I enjoyed as a person, not just as a carnal lover. But I have always been very clear with him that there was pretty much nothing left and that I chatted with him on a whim. I would disappear just as much as he used to.

So this has been the pattern for the past couple years. I barely even register it. But yesterday was a bit odd. He's in Japan now, as he has been for most of last year. I was in the office late. He was out drinking late. He was drunk. And interesting for a change. Open and provocative. But then he tried. He tried to see if there was a weakness there, a point of entry. Of course there was not. But his persistence was... well... strange. I have never attempted to give him any false hope or be anything less than blatantly honest about how I viewed things.

I suppose part of his character is this desire for the unattainable. I think this is how I appear to him now. Now he wants to see me, to be with me, he wants to know what I want. And on some level, this was pleasing to read in a rather malicious and vindictive way. Until I reminded myself that were I to be inclined to acquiesce to any of his interest I would find the same person I knew then. When he had what he pursued, he would no longer want it. I have zero interest in this game and told him as much.

Which of course, pissed him off. Which I found both amusing and irritating. He hasn't changed at all. He thinks he has changed but nothing has changed. Lost soul that he is. I almost feel badly for him, but then I do not. He has made his life-bed and so must sleep in it.

Still, it was a very strange conversation.

Italy was good. Very good. Nice to get away and get a real vacation and a real break. I don't remember when I last did. Of course it only gave me a taste for it and now I want more! Need to watch that budget though. This trip was it for the year perhaps, aside from the annual one stateside. We'll see. I do have enough air miles to go pretty much anywhere I want, but I'm saving them for just now until I have a very good idea.

I've come back, as expected, to a shitload of work. I knew this would be the case. All I really want to do is work on my own PhD research and yet I have tons of other things vying for my attention. January is half done and I only allowed January and February to develop stage one of my research. Of course there is still time, but I want to do that now, not do all this other crap. Currently I'm procrastinating from my coursework which is due on the 19th. I've only had this coursework since the end of November but I only really started it yesterday. I could smack myself around sometimes for this behavior, although in truth I was busy working on the 3D model for my paying client in December, so it's not like I was doing nothing.

I think coming back from holiday to all this work and grey weather has put me in a bit of a funk. I'm feeling very isolated at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why. But I'm sure it will pass.