Blogus Interputus

I was writing the post that follows two weeks ago. I was formulating something that was important to me, a few things, that had been on my mind. I was in the midst of doing this, when my flatmate came downstairs and had a total blow up at me which has resulted in him giving me one month notice and my needing to find a new flatmate.

This rather took priority at the moment and since. And it's been impossible to get back to the point where I was, with what I wanted to say, because, as with most things blogular, it was an impression of a moment and the moment was lost.

Still, it seems wrong that the post languish in limbo forever, as it belongs here with everything else. It's just that it wasn't finished or complete. And there was more to say at the time, I just didn't get there. And now, because things have moved on, I never will. Still. for the record....

Definitions

I'm going through a strange phase I think. One that I suppose creeps up on everyone from time to time. A sort of weighing and considering of the self. Looking for my definition.

Recently there have been some changes, and some changes are on the way. Personally, I think it is fair to say that things with Heathrow have come to an end. The reality is, is that it has been nearly three months from when things tangibly changed, and it has been a steady decline ever since. We are now at the point where I would simply refer to him as 'someone I know' and perhaps not even a friend. But then friendship, true friendship, is incredibly important to me and not a term I would throw around lightly.

So that's been something of a disappointment. Not because I thought it was forever, but because it didn't end how I thought it would. I guess I figured one of us would find someone else we wanted to be with at some point, not that one of us would grow bored with the other one. That's how I feel from his distance. I don't think he's seeing someone else, though I suppose that's also possible. But I think it's more likely that whatever interested him in me has now passed. And I still think it's related to when things changed way back when. But we're so far away from that point now that it doesn't matter. In fact, the reason behind the actions don't really matter because the end result is that things have changed and now I don't want to be with him in that intimate way. He doesn't inspire me to feel interested, excited, or open to the idea. In fact, just the opposite.

The only nagging issue is that we haven't actually discussed any of this. It's just the current state of affairs. And this for me, will not do. I do not want to pick a fight with him- but for me, I need a degree of closure and for things to be in the open. And I hope that actually, if we discuss the pink elephant in the room, then maybe we can actually just be friends. Like actual friends. Not the acquaintances we are now. But who knows.

This all leads me to a related musing of late in that, I can't work out where kink sits with me anymore. I don't know what I want from it. In some ways it's lost it's appeal. Or maybe I've just become too jaded by all the screwed up people I've met. Tomorrow night I'm going clubbing. I don't know why I'm going clubbing. Ostensibly to hang out with kink people I know. But why? I feel so much that I don't belong there, that every time I see these people, it only heightens for me how much I feel I don't belong as opposed to easing over time. It reminds me of how I felt when I was a teenager and went to university parties. I feel so completely wrong in these environments...

And that was all there was.