Around the Corner

Well, the flatmate and girlfriend moved out today. It briefly stirred up for me bad feelings about the entire situation and I recognize that no matter what, I am much better with them just gone. My home means so much to me in terms of the place it serves in my psyche, that it is really not acceptable to have strife in it. So while I'm actually a bit stressed that I've yet to find a replacement flatmate, I feel confident that this will be sorted by some time in January and it's really all just money and it's okay. Really, it's okay.

Work is rushing to its inevitable conclusion and then school starts. I've said this here right? About how I finally got accepted into the PhD I applied for at Cambridge? I can't be bothered to go back and read what I've actually written about it. The only thing I'm now waiting for is what College I've been assigned to, and then I can try to sort out things like getting council tax exemption and student rail cards and the like. But I can't do any of that until I have my College because it's all through them. In the meantime, I'm supposed to start January 5th or 12th or somewhere around there and time is getting a bit short if you consider the holiday season stuck in the middle. Still, it's all going to happen, it's just a matter of how messy it all happens, but it will happen.

Speaking of leaving work, that's a bit of a humdrum. I don't like leaving things. So even though this time it's of my own accord, and I'm not really 'there' like I was 'there' (read: an employee) before, I feel sad about the leaving that will happen. That things just go on without you when you aren't there any more. That something you were a part of suddenly you are not. I don't really like that. I guess it makes me feel transient and replaceable. Which, to be fair, everyone sort of is, but it's not nice to feel that way.

In two weeks I go to the States which should be interesting. It's really not on my thoughts at all at the moment, although there are a lot of things I'd like to do when I'm there. I'll only be in NY for this trip as my mom got me the ticket and I'm only going for a week.

I don't know. It's not that I'm particularly depressed but I feel a bit lost at the moment, and somewhat overwhelmed. And there's always that overriding issue that okay, some things in my life are really going well, but then other things seem at a total standstill or loss. I haven't talked to Heathrow about officially ending our agreement but that's because I don't feel that I need to like I did before. It doesn't change things. We aren't really talking at all. I don't think we are mad at each other, it's just how it is. But I'm feeling very much alone. Maybe spurned by an inordinate amount of people I know having babies. I just have this sense that it's not the way my life is going to go. Not because I never wanted a relationship and family but because it just isn't going to happen for me. That makes me very sad on a certain level. But also incredibly frustrated because it's not something I think I can change in any meaningful way. And I don't want to feel like I have a lesser life because of it. But it does make me feel a bit left out of some wider picture of life. Sitting on the sideline or something. Being passed over. That's not so nice.

I think I'll actually feel better once it's January and things are underway. There just seems to be so much going on right now, and then nothing going on right now. And I'm feeling particularly and keenly alone at the moment. But... it'll pass.