Unwelcome Guest

I'm trying to be good and get work done this Saturday morning, but its almost 11 and although I've done a small bit of side work, I have not worked on my first year report, which had been my intention when my alarm went off at 7 this morning.

I didn't mean to get up at 7, I just wanted to start the process of waking up. And as part of my process of waking up and having a lie in, I thought a morning orgasm was in order. That's pretty typical for me. So far, nothing of note here.

What was of note however, was the unwelcome return of the BOHS. Are you fucking kidding me? I stopped at the first sign of stabbing head pain, but I still have a residual headache in the right half of my head hours later. And that was fom pretty rapid stopping.

A few days ago, although I didn't get the stabby head pain, I did feel a certain 'tightness' in my head post orgasm, or sort of throughout the 'final stages' as it were, and it did cross my mind then that it seemed dangerously close to tripping into pain territory. But I have had at least a couple of orgasms between then and this morning with no head pain.

Regardless, this is a most unwelcome development. I mean, after so much stress and heavy workload, it seems entirely fair and reasonable that orgasms are the way forward to good health and relaxation and now I am going to have to be off the sauce for at least a week if not two.

I'm also disturbed that this is the first time it has reappeared since what was it, 2004?? Unacceptable.

Should I consider this karmic retribution for not getting on with my work enough? Funny that the two week standard waiting period coincides with the two weeks I have to get a first draft of my first year report together. Or really I'm just being silly looking for mystic connections that don't exist.

Still. Fucking BOHS. Fuck fuck fuck!

Pushing the Edge

I told myself that at 5pm I would go take a shower and get dressed as I have people arriving no later than 6:45 and we are immediately going out for the evening. Of course it has turned 5pm and I find I am now blogging because this is what I do.

I am still sick which I am not enjoying at all. I am enjoying having my American drugs and being back in London but I don't really need to be going out for a late one tonight. Unfortunately it's been planned for ages, and with people coming in to the city and staying at my house, it's not something I can exactly back out of. I could if I was really completely fucked, but seeing as I'm only partially fucked, I'm afraid it's a night out for me.

This week was completely fucking mental and one I would not like to see the likes of again. Monday London, Tuesday Cambridge, Wednesday London, Thursday Cambridge/Duxford, Friday Cambridge/London. Meetings, class, lecturing, conference, meetings and more meetings. And on top of this an emergency meeting with my supervisor who was 'worried about me'. I hope that she is not worried about me anymore- but it's never nice to look like you're falling behind and failing. Between being sick and being stressed I said some stuff that was perhaps a bit... extreme, so I freaked her out. I think it's all okay and back on track now and that the next three weeks will be manageably busy as opposed to horrifically busy.

Currently I spend my time considering my snot content and breathing status. So I'm not really thinking ahead over much just this moment. I'm hoping by the end of the weekend that will change. Though I'm not exactly helping myself by a night out. I'll just need to take it as easy as I can and stay warm.

Seeing as I'm completely self absorbed with illness and deadlines at the moment, I am not really thinking about my social life which is just as well. I haven't particularly talked to Econ since last weekend which is normal for us, but it isn't really bothering me which is just as well. I don't really need something else to worry or stress about. I would like to see him again, and soon, though preferably when both of us are not ill. So hopefully. And then maybe I'll have more to say about it. Or not. He's currently a very fun distraction, when he's around or I'm available to have a distraction. So that's good. And I'm not being mental about it at all, so that's also good as far as I can tell.

Okay, I really need to think about showering and getting dressed. Although I have an idea of what I might wear this evening, I'm not at all sure it's going to work and I could find that I'm entirely screwed in the clothes department. I really don't have much by the way of party clothes. Perhaps at some point in the near future I should remedy that, but it's not going to help me for tonight, is it?

Don't Tempt Fate

What happens when mania explodes is clearly that I get terribly ill. Yes, I am terribly ill now. Not that I have less to do, just that I have lost the will to live and most of the ability to speak or breathe correctly. It hit me after my day of teaching- I thought I had a sore throat just from talking all day, but as it turns out, I've come down with a nasty cold. I'm also in Cambridge just now and do not have access to my American drugs, so I am suffering through the aches and pains and congestion seeing as how my lemsip pills do pretty much fuck all. I am going to try and get a lot of sleep tonight, go to the meetings I have to do tomorrow and immediately head back to London and my own bed. And not stress and think about the work I am otherwise not doing, because I really need to just get well. Ridiculous.

I Don't Know How Magnets Work

My life is in full swing manic mode. I was considering over the weekend if it's possible to have a manic episode solely induced by work and stress. I think the answer must be yes. Of course I sit around wondering what it's going to be like when the crash hits, but perhaps it's already happening as things spiral ever so slightly out of control.

I know that I'm in trouble when I can't still my thoughts. I stumble over words because my brain is trying to juggle too many things. My hands shake more than usual. I have realistic dreams - about doing work. I show up late to things.

Of course, this will pass, and I will be okay but it's a hard slog at the moment. Too many commitments that are all intertwined but are prohibiting me from actually doing my own work, you know, that stuff that's required for me to actually get a PhD. I haven't done any of my own work for a week. And I have a major deadline in a couple weeks time. Oh dear.

But enough about work. It's busy, it's messy, it's stressful, but it's also great. I love that I am getting funded to do this for a living. I have deadlines and tasks but I don't have drudgery. I don't have to show up at the same place every day and work my 9-5. It's hard and this is a particularly awful patch, but in the greater scheme of life, it's fantastic.

So on to other things and updates since I haven't written here for a while.

This weekend my friend L came to stay from Wales. She's a doctor friend that I met through my original doctor friend C a while ago now. She came to London to go to this conference thing full of skeptics. I wasn't overly aware of the skeptic movement prior to her attendance at the TAM event. They seem okay, although slightly cliquey, which sort of seems ironic, all things considered. Also, they seem to spend a lot of time talking about religion when I want to know why they don't talk more about climate change. But you know, whatever floats your boat.

I had been in Cambridge last week and came back Thursday to meet up with L and go to a fringe event of TAM which was skeptics pub quiz in central London. Met her here at home to drop off her bag and headed in to town. Found the pub, and got drinks and food. Teams were for up to 6 and it was only her and me, we needed to find more people. We managed to find 2 in the pub and I had put calls out to the other couple as well as to L of the recent disappointing dating experience...

Side note to this, I think L needs a better name for future discussion. So dating but not dating L will henceforth be known as.... um.... Econ.

...but of course the pub had no reception in the basement where the quiz was going on. So I called the other couple and they couldn't come and I sent Econ a text but I figured he wouldn't make it, and I went back to the basement. We'd managed to get a team of five and had pleasantly called ourselves 'Team Sugartits' in honor of my Welsh friend. Just as the first round of five was finishing, Econ actually showed up which was cool. There was a bit of cuddly touching and fondling between him and me in our tightly squeezed table throughout the night which was enjoyable. There was an awful lot of drinking going on as well which was lubricating. After five rounds we had come in joint fourth and had won third place for best team name. So overall a good night. Econ walked me and L back to our night bus around half past midnight and we parted ways.

Saturday, as L was at the conference and I was not, I did some work in the morning then went over to X's house to meet up with her and V for a reunion potluck lunch. That was very nice and chill. From there, L had texted me to say she got tickets to the evening entertainment at TAM of various people and acts including Jon Ronson**, the Amateur Transplants and Tim Minchin. So I went straight from the one to the other. It was a really fun evening, albeit another late night.

Sunday L was off to the conference again but I had gotten tickets to chocolate unwrapped which seemed like a good idea and Econ had agreed to go with me. He'd texted me the night before unsure if he was going to make it as he was feeling ill so I was not holding my breath. However, by morning he said he was up for it so we met at 1:30 at the venue. But I have to say, he did not look well. So perhaps attending an all you can eat chocolate fest was not a great idea. As it was, I tasted a good amount of chocolate, though I did not gorge and Econ had almost none. It was a fairly impressive event with all the tastings. Completely worth the money and also lots to buy if you were so inclined. One to keep in mind for next year.

But difficult to share if one of two is not feeling so well and not indulging. So after a good go at it, we left there and went for a wander over to the Tate to check out the sunflower seed exhibit. Of course they just closed the damn thing because of dust, so you can look but not touch which is completely pointless. At the very least I felt they could have had a small batch of them you could touch, or let people on in small numbers and for limited time? It was not the experience that it should have been is all I have to say. Disappointing.

Leaving the Tate, we stopped outside so I could get a good look at the progress of the Neo Bankside development which is being developed by my PhD industrial partner. Econ knew a coffee place so we went there to crash on a sofa and chat and continue to look at the project. It was pleasant and relaxing and getting a bit later. L had texted me to let me know there was an end of event party I could have gone to in Camden but I didn't really feel like going out partying. So Econ said I could come over to his, but his place was a tip so I'd have to wait outside while he cleaned it. And also he had to pop by his office to pick up a laptop since his computer broke. So we went and found some Boris bikes and cycled over to his office. I'd never been to his office and it was fairly nice. We got the laptop then cycled back to his and as he said, I waited in the corridor (reading a book) while I could hear him rushing about and cleaning. About fifteen minutes later he let me in and we continued our day of relaxing and conversation. At some point we ordered dinner, and it was getting later and later. I figured I was going to go home but then he said I could stay over. It was late, and while there had been ample cuddling and stuff, not much else, so staying over was desirable.

So I texted L to make sure she was okay with that and decided to stay over even though that meant getting up at six to go home first so I could change to go in to my industrial partner's office in the morning for a 9am meeting. Good plan at any rate, but not entirely as expected. I think Econ was still a bit ill, so clearly not really up for messing around and I'm not a pushy person when it comes to these things. I am reasonably sure I'd made my interest clear but I wasn't going to force him. So instead we went off to bed, or rather, I went to bed and he stayed up cleaning. Eventually came in but was having trouble sleeping so he was reading and I was not quite sleeping, somewhat horny, mind racing- so I decided that what I really wanted was to have a really good orgasm so I could get to sleep. This seemed entirely reasonable to me, but a bit awkward seeing as he and I haven't slept together in a couple of months now, even if we were laying in bed together naked, nothing was happening. So I pondered it for a while but as he was turned away from me, I figured as long as he wasn't weirded out by it, I should do it. So I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Okay, this might sound weird, but I'm too keyed up to sleep and I really just want to get myself off because it will help as long as you don't mind". He said of course he didn't mind and did I want him to leave the room which I thought was funny, so I said no, I just didn't want to freak him out and so I got down to business. I turned away from him, so I have no idea if he watched. He must have at some point because when I was finished, and finally drifting off to slumber, he was tickling my back which was ever so nice.

But that was it. My alarm went off at 6. I don't think he got to sleep until 3 or 4. I got myself together and let myself out. Made my way to London Bridge, got home, got changed, then oddly enough L came home from her night out which is another story all together and then I was out to my manic Monday. Meetings all day and what may or may not have been a date with someone I've been working with then home then a last dinner with L then I was off to Cambridge. Cambridge today, then back to London. Procrastinating terribly doing this blog but actually need to prepare work for a teaching day at UEL tomorrow, then tomorrow night back to Cambridge. Thursday a conference in Duxford and Friday Cambridge, then back, then this weekend my flatmate is changing over plus I've got a kinky girls night out on Saturday and two of them are crashing at mine and then it will be Monday again.

Shit is busy these days.

I'd like to write more about Econ- where I'm at with it and why it is or isn't a good idea. But I think that will have to wait. I've written enough and have loads to do yet tonight. I just needed a break.

** If you don't know about the reference in the title, check link

Social Grace

I am completely snowed under just now, but as usual, that gives me the most desire to procrastinate. Actually, I've been pretty good today, knocking out 2500 words of properly cited literature review. Of course, I need to repeat this exercise about 5 more times before next Wednesday and I don't see how that's possibly going to happen with all of my other obligations, but at least I'm not as bad off as I was this morning.

At any rate, my manic panic over my current work and deadlines is not the point of this post. Rather, I am perplexed by the behavior of some acquaintances of mine and I wonder what has happened to social grace?

A couple of weeks ago, Mr.Aloof popped out of the ether again, as he tends to do. He wanted to tell me about a photography exhibition he put on, which was fine. I replied to his mail and asked him a few questions about the exhibit and so on. He replied back. I replied to his email asking a couple of other follow up questions and he replied back... and there was not a single question towards me in his email. It's entirely possible that there weren't any towards me in the first couple though I deleted them already so can't check. But still, having gotten the information I was curious about, I see no need to respond to such a blatantly rude social email that does not inquire at all about me, my life, what I'm up to or how I'm doing.

Then last night I was out to dinner with M. This is a story in and of itself. Suffice to say, M and I are on pretty shaky ground friendship-wise these days. But I am trying to put in some effort. So I agreed to meet up for dinner. And I asked M about work, about her recent work-related travels, about projects and people and her flatmate and her family. And she answered socially enough, which was good, and certainly a step up from past interactions. However, there were these moments of silence where I sat there and just wondered in my head if she was going to show some initiative and general politeness and ask me anything about me and my life. I tried not to say much about what was going on with me to see if this would prompt some questioning. Alas, it was not to be. She didn't ask me a single thing about myself throughout the entire meal.

I would like to think and hope that when I meet up with my friends I am suitably interested in their lives and what is going on with them. I would hate to think that I was like my mother- who only seems to ask questions as a segue to talking about herself. I remember things about my friends, what they told me they were up to, what was going on in their lives, and when I see them or speak to them, I follow up. I am interested. I care.

When people interact with me and don't ask me anything at all, the only thing I can conclude from this is that they simply do not care. Which does not make me inclined to care much about them. I'm not asking for the situation to be reversed, I'm simply asking that it should be balanced. Yes, I like to find out what is going on with people I care about, but I would think that people who cared about me would like to find out what is going on with me!

Honestly. I don't think I'm off base on this one. Some people are just undeniably rude and self centered and should go back to some remedial lessons on politeness and social interaction.

Rant over. Back to work.

Building

I have that knot in my gut that is starting to tell me the pressure is building. I have a lot of reading and writing to do in the next couple of weeks. And it is going to take me the next couple of weeks to do it in.

I have other things to do as well, but they are all proving to be inconvenient distractions at the moment, even when they are not so much distractions as commitments that I can not get out of (nor would I want to).

Still, there is a buildup in my life. Deadlines and expectation looming. And it comes with a low level urgency that permeates through everything. I'm not sleeping well for starters. And as I am someone who pretty much regularly sleeps very well, it's a pretty good sign that things are happening.

Although within this stressful context, I can only say that life has been reasonably good just now. I've been out meeting up with people, having lovely meals and conversations. I've even made some money. Many positives.

A week past my conversation with L and I can't necessarily say that it's a situation I'd class as positive. I am truly disappointed that he is.... lacking? Lost? Whatever he is, he isn't what I wish he was. So of course, disappointing. I've not heard from him all week, though I know he's busy, I also know that when you are interested in people, you find ways to get in touch. And silly things, like basic Internet stalking principles show me that he's been around the Internet. So you know, time for that but not time for me? Message loud and clear. I think I'll leave it and see what he comes up with. I'm not mad at him in any way, but even in simple friend terms there are some basics that I would generally expect, that he has not been providing and is still not providing. So. Alas really. What else can I say?

The entire situation has prompted quite a bit of thinking on my part about relationship issues. Mainly from getting very mixed and interesting feedback from a variety of friends who all know me pretty well. Four different friends to be precise who all had very different things to say about the subject. Which in some ways is harder because friend consensus is much easier to get on board with. But anyway, it's been interesting to absorb four different opinions on me and what I get up to and how I interact relationship-wise. I don't think I have an answer myself at the moment. Hence the thinking.

But it's all a bit inconvenient timing wise given that I have other things to worry about. And with L now being a non contender, there isn't anyone else I need to particularly worry my little head about. And really, I should be directing all that mental energy to my more academic and professional pursuits.

It's just not nearly as interesting I'm afraid.

At any rate. Must find a way to focus on work. Must do work. Must make progress. Must not be found out as big faker that I secretly think I must be. Yes, that just about sums it up.

Wishes and Fishes

I am going to cobble together this post from some email that I figure says a lot of what I want to say anyway, but better to keep it here.

Sunday was a bit of a mess. I had texted L on Saturday to say that we should just meet up at Monument along the Skyride Route at 11. I hadn't had a confirmation back from him. I didn't know if he would actually even show up.

In order for me to get from my house to the main route, I decided to join one of the 'led rides' that started at the Town Hall. They said the ride was full, but I knew they couldn't keep me from just following them either. And it turned out not to be a problem. In fact, I ended up helping out being a marshall for that- meaning that a group of the adult riders would cycle ahead with one of the leaders, and prepare to block traffic until the group could pass. So that was actually quite a bit of fun. Unfortunately, that took me to St. Paul's at 11:10.

Luckily (sort of) I had a voice message from L from a number I didn't know saying he couldn't remember if we were meeting at 11 or 11:30 and his phone was out of battery and he'd try to see me at 11:30 but not to call back on the phone as he was borrowing a friends. I called his number but it went to voice mail saying I was late, so monument at 11:30 was fine, see you then. I got to monument around 11:30.

From there I also called S who was supposed to be joining the Skyride with her husband, sister, and step mother and we were supposed to meet up. Well S and her sister were ill and not coming but husband (F) and step mother (D) were apparently somewhere out there. In the meantime I get another message from strange phone from L saying maybe best to meet in St. James park where the picnic area was. So vaguely annoyed, I took off on the main route.

But it's hard to be very annoyed when you cycle through central London with no traffic and thousands of other cyclists. That is why I love the event. And unplanned I ended up just at Big Ben at noon as the chimes were going off and people were whooping and ringing their bike bells, it was just a kind of uplifting sort of moment.

Eventually I got to St.James park and went about trying to find a picnic spot I could direct people to (as there are thousands of people and bikes milling about I picked an area that I could easily direct people to, but not the most picturesque, although wasn't on top of anyone else either. I hadn't heard anything from L for a while, so thought he was standing me up. At some point on the ride F had called me so I knew he and D were behind me in the circuit but I didn't know how long until they'd get to where I was. So I sat there in a throng of people on my picnic blanket feeling moderately put out and crabby about everything and entirely alone. Of course, I proceeded to call people so I could just talk to someone and of course everyone I called wasn't answering their phones either! Ah universe, my ever comforting friend.

After about 45 minutes, a lot of things started happening at once. Everyone I called started calling me back and this was just when F & D were getting to where I was and I'm trying to direct them and in the meantime I am getting through messages from L that he got my text and was there time to come to the park. So okay, things were coming together, but I had to make an effort to put my grumpiness behind me.

So F & D showed up and we picnicked together and hung out which was good. L was on his way. Then F had some errands to do in town and as he cycles usually, he said he'd be back in 30-45 minutes and left D with me but that was fine. Probably 20 minutes or so after that L finally did turn up very apologetic about scheduling and stuff and D had wandered off to look at the exhibits and free giveaways and things. So okay, everything back on track, just a bit later than expected.

F came back and D came back and then they were taking off to head home and L and I had talked about seeing a movie so we decided to go to Angel as I had my bike and didn't want to go further away from home. He was on the new Boris bikes, so Angel is one of the last spots in zone 1 you can dock them close to my house and a cinema. So we cycled through town and that was alright. He docked his bike and I locked mine up by Waitrose. We ended up going to screen on the green, not vue- and they had double sofa seat things so we got one of those. As a total side note, screen on the green, and particularly the double sofa seating is excellent. Like really excellent. But back to the story, we had a half hour to kill or so and went to the triangle park and were talking a bit. I did manage to sneak in a couple of comments about me not getting a good read on him or some such. But mostly we talked about work and life stuff which was also good of course, I mean, otherwise why would I want to hang out with him at all?

Then we went to the movie which was very enjoyable - Scott Pilgrim vs the world. Worth seeing.

So movie over, of course we'd been a bit snugly on the movie sofa, so we were leaving the cinema and heading back to where I'd locked my bike and I asked him if I could convince him to come to mine for a bit but he said no. So we were talking on the street and I think I just flat out asked him how many people he was seeing and what we were doing exactly (or something like that and it didn't come across nearly as blunt and horrible as that probably reads, I hope). At which point we decided to go to a pub and talk as standing on the street seemed a bit silly. So we did.

And that was good, although not ideal in terms of what I want, but good that we talked and I'm happier now that I feel more confident I understand what things are. In short. His last relationship was 7 years - he's the one who ended it. He's seeing one other person now. He's not looking to get into anything serious just now. He does really like me and thinks if sleeping together would mess up developing a friendship he'd prefer we stop sleeping together as he would like to keep me as a friend. But he doesn't want to stop sleeping together- he's just concerned for me and what I might want in that regard. So I said okay, I would not prefer we just stop sleeping together but I accept that he's not looking for anything serious and if I feel I'm getting attached then yes I'll want us to stop sleeping together. We also talked a bit about 'being cagey' or quiet about stuff and I was just like, look, what I want is for you to be honest with me. Let me make up my own mind about what I can handle or not or want to put up with or not, but I can't do that unless you just tell me what's going on, and I'm not going to be mad at you for being honest with me, but I might get upset if I thought you were lying. So I think that was good. Oh yeah, and I explained a bit of the kink stuff as well, so that was good.

I mean not good in the sense that, he is not wanting a serious relationship, but good that we really talked and I think are more on the same page, so it's okay for now. So.... yeah. Good but not good if that makes any sense.

And that is the story that I emailed to S this morning as she was curious about if anything had happened. And her take, to summarize, is that I seem to find people not willing to give me what I want and I tend to settle for less, and that maybe while I'm messing around with people not giving me everything I want, I'm not being proactive or interested or sending out the right vibes to find what I want. So her advice, is drop it.

And to a certain extent, I generally think most of her thinking is valid. I suppose I'm just not convinced that there is anything else out there. I don't mean that in a depressive sort of way. I mean it quite literally. Maybe I'm not really cut out for relationships. I don't seem to have an awful lot of them in any sort of 'traditional' sense. Maybe that is down to me, but maybe it's about stuff that I like, and don't want to change about myself. I don't know.

I do know that my tolerance for things like the Mr.Aloof's of this world are not what it was and I wouldn't put up with that behavior ever again. But life doesn't seem to be offering too much else then what's been on the table. Maybe my expectations are too high (although to be fair, maybe they're too low as I think my tolerant nature is half of what ends me up in these relationships). Maybe I put out the wrong sort of vibe. I guess I just don't want to be miserable forever going on mentally about 'how there's something wrong with me'. Because luckily these days I don't think there's something wrong, but I also think... I don't know. This may just never happen for me. I spent years and years and years not dating and also not having anything even remotely related to dating (ie, sex). Like, most of my 20's. I know what it's like for time to just to pass by year in year out and dating just doesn't even show up in the solar system.

So okay, now things are different in that I'm doing some things, but I don't know. If I withdraw from L and don't have time for much pursuing other people, then three years of PhD can come and go and I've got nothing socially. Or not.

It's all a crap shoot and numbers game. I just don't think I've ever had lady luck on my side. I don't know how long I'll be wanting to put up with things with L as they are but I'd like to enjoy it while it's fun. Unlike Heathrow, if we don't really communicate much (Heathrow and I emailed a lot during the week and would then spend entire weekends together) I don't currently feel a particularly strong attachment. Though I recognize these things can change and I'd have to keep tabs on myself and how I feel.

But I don't know, or rather, I'm not convinced that being truly single (with no friends with benefits and no play at clubs) is going to get me where I want either. Because I've done that before for long stretches to no avail.

I like intimacy with people and having been in both situations, I know I would rather have something than nothing. Maybe that's not the right choice or maybe it is the right choice. I wish I could look into the future and see better, but I can only look at the past. I know sometimes it's like settling for crumbs instead of the cake, but what if I don't get cake? I would rather have crumbs. Honestly.

But I understand her point- what if the crumbs keep me from looking for the cake. Or wanting the cake bad enough. And the answer is I don't know. I've spent so much of my life desperately not wanting to be alone, that I'm not sure that I haven't 'wanted it bad enough' or still don't want it bad enough, I just have no conviction that I'll get it. I feel like I want it enough, but if it never comes my way.... I don't want that to be the defining thing about me either. My failure to somehow find someone for me. I want my view of myself to be much more than that.

So what do I do? Keep on for a while with something that makes me happy? Or question this thing making me happy and wonder if it's keeping me from some other happiness that seems forever outside my grasp? Humans tend to go for instant gratification, and I am well aware my inclination is to keep on with what I'm doing because I am liking it. But is it wrong? Oh for a crystal ball to reveal to me the mysteries of the universe and my place within it. What else can I do? How else can I decide? Knowing the future, or possible futures would make decision making simple. But decision making in this sense is never simple. Maybe I'm making good decisions and maybe I'm making bad. I just don't want to be miserable about it.

And I guess I feel that a self imposed singlehood with no play or intimacies would make me miserable and throw me back to a place I feel I spent enough time in. I already know I wasn't happy there. I'm happier here, but yes, maybe I could be happier still. Do my current decisions negate that possibility? Or is it the best that the universe is going to offer and I'd be foolish not to take and enjoy them? I have no idea.

So yeah. Interesting day. Interesting things to think about. L is away now for 3 weeks anyway, which is part of what prompted my pushing the issue. And I have three weeks of a shitload of work to do honestly. So lets just say it is what it is for now- better than it was before yesterday I think in some ways. I prefer knowing to not knowing, even if it's not exactly what I wanted to hear. And we'll see. Just hope I muddle through, as few mistakes as possible, and happier with the outcome of the decisions I make as opposed to the opposite.