Wishes and Fishes

I am going to cobble together this post from some email that I figure says a lot of what I want to say anyway, but better to keep it here.

Sunday was a bit of a mess. I had texted L on Saturday to say that we should just meet up at Monument along the Skyride Route at 11. I hadn't had a confirmation back from him. I didn't know if he would actually even show up.

In order for me to get from my house to the main route, I decided to join one of the 'led rides' that started at the Town Hall. They said the ride was full, but I knew they couldn't keep me from just following them either. And it turned out not to be a problem. In fact, I ended up helping out being a marshall for that- meaning that a group of the adult riders would cycle ahead with one of the leaders, and prepare to block traffic until the group could pass. So that was actually quite a bit of fun. Unfortunately, that took me to St. Paul's at 11:10.

Luckily (sort of) I had a voice message from L from a number I didn't know saying he couldn't remember if we were meeting at 11 or 11:30 and his phone was out of battery and he'd try to see me at 11:30 but not to call back on the phone as he was borrowing a friends. I called his number but it went to voice mail saying I was late, so monument at 11:30 was fine, see you then. I got to monument around 11:30.

From there I also called S who was supposed to be joining the Skyride with her husband, sister, and step mother and we were supposed to meet up. Well S and her sister were ill and not coming but husband (F) and step mother (D) were apparently somewhere out there. In the meantime I get another message from strange phone from L saying maybe best to meet in St. James park where the picnic area was. So vaguely annoyed, I took off on the main route.

But it's hard to be very annoyed when you cycle through central London with no traffic and thousands of other cyclists. That is why I love the event. And unplanned I ended up just at Big Ben at noon as the chimes were going off and people were whooping and ringing their bike bells, it was just a kind of uplifting sort of moment.

Eventually I got to St.James park and went about trying to find a picnic spot I could direct people to (as there are thousands of people and bikes milling about I picked an area that I could easily direct people to, but not the most picturesque, although wasn't on top of anyone else either. I hadn't heard anything from L for a while, so thought he was standing me up. At some point on the ride F had called me so I knew he and D were behind me in the circuit but I didn't know how long until they'd get to where I was. So I sat there in a throng of people on my picnic blanket feeling moderately put out and crabby about everything and entirely alone. Of course, I proceeded to call people so I could just talk to someone and of course everyone I called wasn't answering their phones either! Ah universe, my ever comforting friend.

After about 45 minutes, a lot of things started happening at once. Everyone I called started calling me back and this was just when F & D were getting to where I was and I'm trying to direct them and in the meantime I am getting through messages from L that he got my text and was there time to come to the park. So okay, things were coming together, but I had to make an effort to put my grumpiness behind me.

So F & D showed up and we picnicked together and hung out which was good. L was on his way. Then F had some errands to do in town and as he cycles usually, he said he'd be back in 30-45 minutes and left D with me but that was fine. Probably 20 minutes or so after that L finally did turn up very apologetic about scheduling and stuff and D had wandered off to look at the exhibits and free giveaways and things. So okay, everything back on track, just a bit later than expected.

F came back and D came back and then they were taking off to head home and L and I had talked about seeing a movie so we decided to go to Angel as I had my bike and didn't want to go further away from home. He was on the new Boris bikes, so Angel is one of the last spots in zone 1 you can dock them close to my house and a cinema. So we cycled through town and that was alright. He docked his bike and I locked mine up by Waitrose. We ended up going to screen on the green, not vue- and they had double sofa seat things so we got one of those. As a total side note, screen on the green, and particularly the double sofa seating is excellent. Like really excellent. But back to the story, we had a half hour to kill or so and went to the triangle park and were talking a bit. I did manage to sneak in a couple of comments about me not getting a good read on him or some such. But mostly we talked about work and life stuff which was also good of course, I mean, otherwise why would I want to hang out with him at all?

Then we went to the movie which was very enjoyable - Scott Pilgrim vs the world. Worth seeing.

So movie over, of course we'd been a bit snugly on the movie sofa, so we were leaving the cinema and heading back to where I'd locked my bike and I asked him if I could convince him to come to mine for a bit but he said no. So we were talking on the street and I think I just flat out asked him how many people he was seeing and what we were doing exactly (or something like that and it didn't come across nearly as blunt and horrible as that probably reads, I hope). At which point we decided to go to a pub and talk as standing on the street seemed a bit silly. So we did.

And that was good, although not ideal in terms of what I want, but good that we talked and I'm happier now that I feel more confident I understand what things are. In short. His last relationship was 7 years - he's the one who ended it. He's seeing one other person now. He's not looking to get into anything serious just now. He does really like me and thinks if sleeping together would mess up developing a friendship he'd prefer we stop sleeping together as he would like to keep me as a friend. But he doesn't want to stop sleeping together- he's just concerned for me and what I might want in that regard. So I said okay, I would not prefer we just stop sleeping together but I accept that he's not looking for anything serious and if I feel I'm getting attached then yes I'll want us to stop sleeping together. We also talked a bit about 'being cagey' or quiet about stuff and I was just like, look, what I want is for you to be honest with me. Let me make up my own mind about what I can handle or not or want to put up with or not, but I can't do that unless you just tell me what's going on, and I'm not going to be mad at you for being honest with me, but I might get upset if I thought you were lying. So I think that was good. Oh yeah, and I explained a bit of the kink stuff as well, so that was good.

I mean not good in the sense that, he is not wanting a serious relationship, but good that we really talked and I think are more on the same page, so it's okay for now. So.... yeah. Good but not good if that makes any sense.

And that is the story that I emailed to S this morning as she was curious about if anything had happened. And her take, to summarize, is that I seem to find people not willing to give me what I want and I tend to settle for less, and that maybe while I'm messing around with people not giving me everything I want, I'm not being proactive or interested or sending out the right vibes to find what I want. So her advice, is drop it.

And to a certain extent, I generally think most of her thinking is valid. I suppose I'm just not convinced that there is anything else out there. I don't mean that in a depressive sort of way. I mean it quite literally. Maybe I'm not really cut out for relationships. I don't seem to have an awful lot of them in any sort of 'traditional' sense. Maybe that is down to me, but maybe it's about stuff that I like, and don't want to change about myself. I don't know.

I do know that my tolerance for things like the Mr.Aloof's of this world are not what it was and I wouldn't put up with that behavior ever again. But life doesn't seem to be offering too much else then what's been on the table. Maybe my expectations are too high (although to be fair, maybe they're too low as I think my tolerant nature is half of what ends me up in these relationships). Maybe I put out the wrong sort of vibe. I guess I just don't want to be miserable forever going on mentally about 'how there's something wrong with me'. Because luckily these days I don't think there's something wrong, but I also think... I don't know. This may just never happen for me. I spent years and years and years not dating and also not having anything even remotely related to dating (ie, sex). Like, most of my 20's. I know what it's like for time to just to pass by year in year out and dating just doesn't even show up in the solar system.

So okay, now things are different in that I'm doing some things, but I don't know. If I withdraw from L and don't have time for much pursuing other people, then three years of PhD can come and go and I've got nothing socially. Or not.

It's all a crap shoot and numbers game. I just don't think I've ever had lady luck on my side. I don't know how long I'll be wanting to put up with things with L as they are but I'd like to enjoy it while it's fun. Unlike Heathrow, if we don't really communicate much (Heathrow and I emailed a lot during the week and would then spend entire weekends together) I don't currently feel a particularly strong attachment. Though I recognize these things can change and I'd have to keep tabs on myself and how I feel.

But I don't know, or rather, I'm not convinced that being truly single (with no friends with benefits and no play at clubs) is going to get me where I want either. Because I've done that before for long stretches to no avail.

I like intimacy with people and having been in both situations, I know I would rather have something than nothing. Maybe that's not the right choice or maybe it is the right choice. I wish I could look into the future and see better, but I can only look at the past. I know sometimes it's like settling for crumbs instead of the cake, but what if I don't get cake? I would rather have crumbs. Honestly.

But I understand her point- what if the crumbs keep me from looking for the cake. Or wanting the cake bad enough. And the answer is I don't know. I've spent so much of my life desperately not wanting to be alone, that I'm not sure that I haven't 'wanted it bad enough' or still don't want it bad enough, I just have no conviction that I'll get it. I feel like I want it enough, but if it never comes my way.... I don't want that to be the defining thing about me either. My failure to somehow find someone for me. I want my view of myself to be much more than that.

So what do I do? Keep on for a while with something that makes me happy? Or question this thing making me happy and wonder if it's keeping me from some other happiness that seems forever outside my grasp? Humans tend to go for instant gratification, and I am well aware my inclination is to keep on with what I'm doing because I am liking it. But is it wrong? Oh for a crystal ball to reveal to me the mysteries of the universe and my place within it. What else can I do? How else can I decide? Knowing the future, or possible futures would make decision making simple. But decision making in this sense is never simple. Maybe I'm making good decisions and maybe I'm making bad. I just don't want to be miserable about it.

And I guess I feel that a self imposed singlehood with no play or intimacies would make me miserable and throw me back to a place I feel I spent enough time in. I already know I wasn't happy there. I'm happier here, but yes, maybe I could be happier still. Do my current decisions negate that possibility? Or is it the best that the universe is going to offer and I'd be foolish not to take and enjoy them? I have no idea.

So yeah. Interesting day. Interesting things to think about. L is away now for 3 weeks anyway, which is part of what prompted my pushing the issue. And I have three weeks of a shitload of work to do honestly. So lets just say it is what it is for now- better than it was before yesterday I think in some ways. I prefer knowing to not knowing, even if it's not exactly what I wanted to hear. And we'll see. Just hope I muddle through, as few mistakes as possible, and happier with the outcome of the decisions I make as opposed to the opposite.