Building

I have that knot in my gut that is starting to tell me the pressure is building. I have a lot of reading and writing to do in the next couple of weeks. And it is going to take me the next couple of weeks to do it in.

I have other things to do as well, but they are all proving to be inconvenient distractions at the moment, even when they are not so much distractions as commitments that I can not get out of (nor would I want to).

Still, there is a buildup in my life. Deadlines and expectation looming. And it comes with a low level urgency that permeates through everything. I'm not sleeping well for starters. And as I am someone who pretty much regularly sleeps very well, it's a pretty good sign that things are happening.

Although within this stressful context, I can only say that life has been reasonably good just now. I've been out meeting up with people, having lovely meals and conversations. I've even made some money. Many positives.

A week past my conversation with L and I can't necessarily say that it's a situation I'd class as positive. I am truly disappointed that he is.... lacking? Lost? Whatever he is, he isn't what I wish he was. So of course, disappointing. I've not heard from him all week, though I know he's busy, I also know that when you are interested in people, you find ways to get in touch. And silly things, like basic Internet stalking principles show me that he's been around the Internet. So you know, time for that but not time for me? Message loud and clear. I think I'll leave it and see what he comes up with. I'm not mad at him in any way, but even in simple friend terms there are some basics that I would generally expect, that he has not been providing and is still not providing. So. Alas really. What else can I say?

The entire situation has prompted quite a bit of thinking on my part about relationship issues. Mainly from getting very mixed and interesting feedback from a variety of friends who all know me pretty well. Four different friends to be precise who all had very different things to say about the subject. Which in some ways is harder because friend consensus is much easier to get on board with. But anyway, it's been interesting to absorb four different opinions on me and what I get up to and how I interact relationship-wise. I don't think I have an answer myself at the moment. Hence the thinking.

But it's all a bit inconvenient timing wise given that I have other things to worry about. And with L now being a non contender, there isn't anyone else I need to particularly worry my little head about. And really, I should be directing all that mental energy to my more academic and professional pursuits.

It's just not nearly as interesting I'm afraid.

At any rate. Must find a way to focus on work. Must do work. Must make progress. Must not be found out as big faker that I secretly think I must be. Yes, that just about sums it up.