Funk

As in, I'm in one. It's been going on for at least a few days now. My life seems busy but aimless. I think this is the majority of the reason, although lack of any interesting relationship status also isn't helping. But actually, I think it has more to do with my workload. I'm very cranky about it at the moment. I'm annoyed at having things piled on me and not being able to pursue what I want to be pursuing. And every time I get a chance to do a little bit of my own work, I feel like I haven't done enough, that there's loads more to do, and no time to do it in. It's frustrating and difficult and I just find that I'm in a particularly grouchy mood.

Of course there could be relationship factors in this as well. I've been distinctly unhappy with my weight and appearance. I have not shifted the weight I gained since going to Italy, and even before that I'd only just managed to get it back into the 'acceptable high' zone. I'm now still five pounds over that and fuming about it. So I've rejoined my gym. I had a slow start the week before and didn't go, but this past week I went Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Now that I'm in Cambridge I obviously can't go, but I did do sit-ups this morning. I think I can be good about going at least three out of the four days I'm in London, although ideally I'll go all four days. It is hard though, I'm not going to lie to myself about it. I managed to go this past week, but I think I just need to take it a week at a time and see how it goes.

Just a bit ago I got an email from the jackrabbit who is back from Columbia. I suggested we meet up for a drink a week ago and he just replied to say yes but felt the need to emphasize 'as friends'. Which is fine of course, and not that far off from what I expected (and also why I suggested just to meet for drinks) but it still isn't very nice, is it? No.

I think I'm in a terrible mood when it comes to boys and dating at the moment. I find I have zero patience for boys who don't appear to put in any effort. What happened to the art of conversation? Or to courting? I don't want to be the one asking all the questions and picking all the dates. I'd like a bit of input, some enthusiasm. I don't think this is unreasonable, but I think my attitude has perhaps been a bit harsh. When I say I have zero patience for this behavior, I mean I have absolutely zero patience. I'll exchange a few emails but if no questions in my direction are forthcoming, or no art of conversation, I'm likely to point out to the person that they aren't doing a very good job. Not surprisingly, this has resulted in a slew of boys not writing back to me. And while I care, I also don't. I don't have the time to train someone how to be interesting! Am I mental? Is this some disastrous by product of gender equality? That men have forgotten how to be engaging? At any rate, I'm not having it. But I can't say that it's improving my mood.

I suppose I could be a bit put off that most people I know are now coupled up whereas it wasn't so long ago when most people I knew were not. This has two negative impacts on my psyche, the first is that I feel more lonely, but the second is that it starts to edge upon those old feelings of defectiveness. I feel left behind, or semi retarded. Because obviously there must be something wrong with me if everyone else is doing it. Even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is not true, and that is by far an improvement on my previous mentality, I can't say that I've 100% learned how to compensate for still feeling bad about it.

So to sum up. Work life sort of sucks. Social life sort of sucks. Not happy with appearance or body. Kind of in a funk. Yep, that about does it.

There Must Be Something Wrong With You

Mistress Matisse who I read regularly tweeted yesterday something that I replied to but have had time to think about and feel that I need to say more on the subject because it was offensive and it irritated me. The tweet in question was this:

"Theory: if someone has not ever chosen to cohabitate with a partner by age 40, the odds of him/her ever deciding to do so are slim. Discuss."

My reply was as follows:

"Er.. if they had the *option* and chose not to, maybe. If they never had the option before, then I'd say that's not true."

The more I've thought about this, the more cross it's made me. In particular coming from someone involved in the whole 'sex and relationships' industry. There are many reasons why cohabitation may not have occurred before age 40 and I would say many have zero implications on whether or not after this magic age of 40 most people are somehow statistically out of options.

First of all, there is no general promise in this life that you are going to get someone to cohabitate with. Before I discuss any other aspect of this question, I'd like to make that abundantly clear. This isn't a life guarantee. For some people, it just doesn't happen. So regardless of if you are 25 or 40 or 70, if the dice weren't in your favor, then they weren't in your favor. Is there some magic age limit when you are suddenly out of luck? No. And actually, after a lot of people get out of their 'starter marriages', I'd say that there are many people who find love and relationships post-40. Sometimes that includes finding someone who, shock and horror, may not have been married or cohabitated with anyone before. So in general, I call bullshit on this.

If there is some physical or social reason that makes you less likely to find a partner, are you more or less likely to find a partner before or after age 40? Again I call bullshit and say this is an arbitrary number that doesn't matter. I suppose if there is something actually hindering you that makes it harder for you to find someone, then it's reasonable to assume it may continue to be difficult to find someone, but also, think of all the years you may have already spent looking! Maybe by 40 you are better at it, or people who know you accept you more for who you are. Are you statistically less likely to find your life partner (and live with them) because 40 came and went? I don't think so.

Here's what I particular dislike about this tweet. It implies by its very nature that there is something wrong with someone who hasn't managed to achieve this apparent life aim of cohabitation. It does not take into account what they may want, or what choices may or may not have been available to them. It just casually dismisses anyone over 40 for having something so wrong with them that there is no hope for them in the future. Well, all the over 40's who haven't cohabitated but want to, I suppose you should all just go kill yourselves now, because I guess there just isn't any hope for you.

Which brings me around to my original response which has everything to do with the use of the word choice as the single way out of this abhorrent comment that I'll allow. I suppose it is possible that if you are someone who found great relationships but chose not to cohabitate and you have not addressed (or do not care to address) why you chose not to cohabitate, then amazingly it is true, as you pass the age of 40 you are likely to be the same person you were at 39 who does not choose to cohabitate with others. However, that seems like a not so intelligent sort of comment about people and their behavior, and so not the one that I think was intended, and certainly not what was conveyed.

Now in general, I don't think twitter is even the right place for a conversation or debate like this. Most obviously it doesn't give the original author space to explain exactly what they meant and instead leaves a rather insulting statement of only one sentence to try and do the job for them. Usually I enjoy following Matisse and her offerings. This time I'm afraid, not so much.

Saturday Slowness

This is not going to be a post about anything in particular. It's Saturday and almost 3. I'm hanging about in my lounge, still in my pajamas. I've got a load of laundry about to be ready to hang up, and I've sorted out my DVD shelf by moving some other stuff around. This has enlightened me to the fact that my 'L Word' season 2 is missing. I have no idea who has it.

No further word from Mr.Aloof since he tried it on. Which is fine by me. I don't need him pushing at me which forces my had in being more and more firmly bitchy towards him. Then of course he feels like he is the one who has been wronged. Sometimes no really does mean no you know.

I feel like I just returned from Cambridge and am in no way ready to go up there again tomorrow. I've just checked the train and at least it's running, as last Sunday it was not and I had to travel Monday morning instead. Still, I honestly feel like I just got back. I don't have time to do anything, take care of anything, and then I'm up there again. And this week I have to stay through Thursday, and next week I have to be there on Thursday as well. Actually the week after next I'm off to Liverpool for two days, so I'll have no time at all at home before I'm back in Cambridge. I know that this is really just things re-settling into place, but right now it's a real burden. I'll get used to it, mainly because there isn't any other choice. And honestly, if this is the worst aspect of my current life I can't say that it's that bad. But it is enough to be annoying and draining just now. Until it settles into some sort of routine.

I've been spending a small amount of my free time turning this blog into a printable book (using blurb for anyone who might want to do the same). I've decided to do a book for every year so I can add them to my collection of hand written journals. It has always bothered me that all of this writing is separated from the other records I have kept of my life. This has turned into something of a time consuming endeavor however. And I note that many images used in the early days of this blog are simply missing, and so already the record of the past is incomplete. In some cases I remember very clearly what the image was, so I have been able to repair it. But in many cases, the image is just lost. I look forward to the first book however. I'm working on 2005 and am about 1/3 of the way through it. It's interesting to read back, but then, it always is. This is part of the reason I need it printed to join the rest. Though I wonder what will happen to any of these things in the future. Funny things we do us human beings.

Nothing much interesting on the relationship front. I had a very vivid dream last night of being with someone- not having sex with them, but having them touch me and hold me. I remember that we were spooning, with my back to his big spoon. It felt incredibly real. When I woke up I was disturbed slightly. Although there was a lot more to the dream that was equally disturbing though in different ways. It was one of my 'epic' dreams and I woke up remembering quite a bit of it which is often just confusing. This was only one very small part.

I have only managed to lose 3 lbs since putting on 6 from going to Italy which I am not pleased about. This is pushing me to behave badly in respect to my eating to force the remaining 3 pounds to go. I dislike feeling obsessive about my weight, but then I dislike being overweight. Nothing new there. This current schedule does nothing to improve my eating. What I really wanted to do today was cook some good and healthy food but of course, what's the point. I can't take it to Cambridge with me, and it will rot here in the interim.

I don't want this all to be bitching and moaning however. I am in many ways looking forward to this year. I feel so much more in control of my work and what I need to do. Yes, there are a million annoyances clamoring for my time and attention, but I feel confident that I am on the right track and can tackle this whole PhD thing. Of course part of me feels quite strongly that what I'm doing would in no way be considered a real PhD by most US institutions, but what difference does it make once I have the thing? I'm getting a PhD from Cambridge! Not only that, but I seem to be doing it reasonably well. I'll stick with that for the time being. It gives me... energy and motivation to keep it up.

I'm sure there was something else I wanted to write about but I really can't remember what it was. Ah well.

Too Late

Yesterday I had a very strange email conversation with Mr.Aloof. That's right, the twat who twisted me up and shat me out a few years ago. After therapy and after I told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms, he would tentatively reach out to me about every 3-6 months. At first these moments of contact frightened me, but as time passed, I began to feel nothing. If anything, I felt a bit bitchy towards him.

I suppose it shows just how over everything I am. He holds zero power over me, although he can still irritate me, it's mainly for being a stupid twat, not for actually harming me in any way. I guess I allow this intermittent contact because I remember that I actually really liked this person once. That there were qualities about him that I enjoyed as a person, not just as a carnal lover. But I have always been very clear with him that there was pretty much nothing left and that I chatted with him on a whim. I would disappear just as much as he used to.

So this has been the pattern for the past couple years. I barely even register it. But yesterday was a bit odd. He's in Japan now, as he has been for most of last year. I was in the office late. He was out drinking late. He was drunk. And interesting for a change. Open and provocative. But then he tried. He tried to see if there was a weakness there, a point of entry. Of course there was not. But his persistence was... well... strange. I have never attempted to give him any false hope or be anything less than blatantly honest about how I viewed things.

I suppose part of his character is this desire for the unattainable. I think this is how I appear to him now. Now he wants to see me, to be with me, he wants to know what I want. And on some level, this was pleasing to read in a rather malicious and vindictive way. Until I reminded myself that were I to be inclined to acquiesce to any of his interest I would find the same person I knew then. When he had what he pursued, he would no longer want it. I have zero interest in this game and told him as much.

Which of course, pissed him off. Which I found both amusing and irritating. He hasn't changed at all. He thinks he has changed but nothing has changed. Lost soul that he is. I almost feel badly for him, but then I do not. He has made his life-bed and so must sleep in it.

Still, it was a very strange conversation.

Italy was good. Very good. Nice to get away and get a real vacation and a real break. I don't remember when I last did. Of course it only gave me a taste for it and now I want more! Need to watch that budget though. This trip was it for the year perhaps, aside from the annual one stateside. We'll see. I do have enough air miles to go pretty much anywhere I want, but I'm saving them for just now until I have a very good idea.

I've come back, as expected, to a shitload of work. I knew this would be the case. All I really want to do is work on my own PhD research and yet I have tons of other things vying for my attention. January is half done and I only allowed January and February to develop stage one of my research. Of course there is still time, but I want to do that now, not do all this other crap. Currently I'm procrastinating from my coursework which is due on the 19th. I've only had this coursework since the end of November but I only really started it yesterday. I could smack myself around sometimes for this behavior, although in truth I was busy working on the 3D model for my paying client in December, so it's not like I was doing nothing.

I think coming back from holiday to all this work and grey weather has put me in a bit of a funk. I'm feeling very isolated at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why. But I'm sure it will pass.

Not Me

Seeing as I've had somewhat similar information which has made me unhappy from two different people come at me in less than 12 hours, I figured it warrants a blog.

Last night I met up with Econ. He has generally been a twat, and I didn't have expectations in seeing him, and so all of that was fine. We met up for drinks in Hoxton. When he greeted me, he kissed me on the lips. But there was no real intimacy for the majority of the evening. We chatted, we played a couple rounds of scrabble. But there were slight touches here and there and at one point he rested his head on my shoulder and I stroked his hair. Then the bar was closing and we were parting and we were saying goodbye but it was just strange. He wasn't quite going, it was all a bit awkward. I told him he was weird. We talked a bit, I told him he was weird again and then he tells me that the other person he told me he was seeing in September, well, that had progressed a bit, for whatever that was worth. So okay. You wait until the entire end of an evening to tell me you are seeing someone else? Oh yeah, and he kissed me on the lips again to say goodbye. To be honest, if I was his girlfriend, I wouldn't be at all impressed with this behavior. I guess it's a good thing I'm not his girlfriend. It doesn't mean though that it still doesn't sting a bit, or that the annoyance isn't there.

Then I wake up this morning to an email from the jackrabbit in Columbia which was cool. And it was all very chatty and then he throws in at the last bit that he might be getting back together with his ex. Now with the jackrabbit, I didn't see a 'relationship' blooming, so it's not necessarily hurtful in the same way. But I find it's still a bit hurtful somehow. Maybe I thought we could continue our fun when he got back. And I guess as he's thinking of 'getting back together with someone' on top of the news of last night, it just smacks me on the face twice that it always seems to be 'not me' in dealings with guys.

And it hurts a bit.

Not paralytically, but enough to bug me.

There isn't anything to be done about it of course. And it's probably for the best in some ways because I knew that neither one of them was quite right for assorted reasons. So better to have that be more clear than less clear. But it leaves me at square zero pretty much. And to be honest I am oh so tired of being at square zero. I have a nice home here at square zero, and I know how to be happy here. But I see those other squares out there and I wonder why it is I just don't seem to be allowed to go on them.

I said to someone a few days ago that part of the problem I think is that I don't think I need a man. I want a man. And that's an entirely different proposition. I am clearly extremely independent and capable. And maybe this is off putting. Maybe I give off the wrong sort of vibe. I know that seems insulting in some way to people in relationships, but I just try to understand what it is about me that creates my life, and this is something that seems to come up frequently.

Or maybe I'm just grasping at straws. Because it's easier to have explanations than no explanations. And it's better for me to have explanations that are not 'I am shit'. And that's the only good thing I can say. I'm not entirely hating myself this morning over this. Though maybe there's a slight whiff of it in the air, I'm not embracing it. So that's a good thing.

Regardless. It will all pass and it will all be fine. I'm off to Italy tomorrow morning so I can have a real vacation from my life. I think I need it.

End of the Year Assessment

Writing has slipped a bit, although not entirely. I've started a new blog/e-zine with a couple of friends of mine which has taken some of my time away. Although that's personal in a sense that we are commenting on things, it's also work related, so it's not personal in the way this blog is. If you know me and you want the link, send me an email. If you don't know me, I'm afraid that there will be no link between this blog and that as I use my real name there.

So it's the end of the year. Or really, a rather arbitrary moment in time that we call the end of the year. I generally hate new years as the biggest let down and non-holiday holiday that there is. People always put so much effort and need into it and it almost always disappoints. So I generally opt out of New Years type celebrations. But I don't tend to opt out of reflection, because reflection is what I do best. Usually I just spout off on my own but I saw a rather long end of year assessment form so I figure this year I'll try something different.

What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
A lot. Though starting the PhD is probably the biggest and most significant. I also became a British citizen.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions as I figure it's only a sure way to disappointment. My goal in life is to improve my happiness and satisfaction. I think I most certainly worked towards this aim this past year. My goal for next year will be the same.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, although babies and children featured prominently in the year. Two close friends of mine were trying to get pregnant. One is not yet pregnant and starting various invasive treatments, and one found out her partner is infertile. Another friend of mine didn't gain a baby but instead a step-child (well, basically, they're not married yet but they are all living together).

Did anyone close to you die?
No. Thankfully.

What countries did you visit?
This year was not very good for travel. I think I only went to the States and traveled around the UK. I'm starting next year off better however as on Monday I'm off to Italy!!

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A relationship. A good relationship.

What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm thinking back over the year and I have to say that no particular date is standing out or coming to mind. My birthday trip to the New Forest was excellent and I saw an amazing shooting star. The Xmas party of my industrial partner I got to attend at the Savoy Hotel. Getting set on fire unintentionally and losing a chunk of hair.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I still think starting the PhD is huge and as part of that, writing my first year report which was 24,000 words and 76 pages was the biggest thing I've ever written and a huge fucking deal. It made me feel confident that I could actually do this PhD thing and wasn't completely faking it. It isn't entirely tangible but I'd say one of my biggest achievements of the year is a positive change in self confidence, both professionally and personally. It has a long way to go, but I can see that I've improved and am not as hindered as I once was by the complete lack.

What was your biggest failure?
I'm struggling to think of anything as a failure. I've been lazy. I've lied. I gained some weight (when I say this, I mean only around 5 pounds but it's 5 pounds over what I consider my maximum weight and so I'm annoyed) and generally feel less fit even though I cycle in Cambridge.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, there was the whole hair on fire thing, but I wasn't really injured. I've been plagued by sinus trouble this year and a particularly bad bout of my skin problems. I now have the winter cough that won't go away. I also fucked up my shoulder at some point and continue to suffer various upper back, shoulder, and neck pain mostly due to bad posture. Oh and the BOHS came back which was very unwelcome. No hospital visits though, so I consider it all a success.

What was the best thing you bought?
My new computer. Was that this year or the end of last year? I think it was this year when I went home around Easter. It was time for a new computer and I couldn't be happier with how well this one has worked out for me.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friend H who I went on my birthday camping trip with and spent Xmas with has been pretty amazing this year in terms of her ability to do for others without wanting in return. I would be more selfish than she is, or at least expect more reciprocation. She's really done a lot in the name of simple friendship this year and it was over and above the norm or what's expected.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The most clear winner in this category is M. She has been a complete nightmare this year and I am annoyed by her continual sense of self righteousness and passive aggressive behavior. She has behaved terribly and it's shocking. In addition to that, there were two boys this year who generally acted like twats and were huge disappointments. My downstairs neighbor and his fence also would rate high on this list.

Where did most of your money go?
Most of it went to food, shelter, and transportation. This includes my weekly train back and forth to Cambridge and the extra accommodation that I pay for there. When I've splurged I've tended to splurge on meals out with friends, so that still falls under the food category. I did have some big purchases like the computer, my voice recorder pen, some clothes and shoes.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finding my PhD topic, finishing my first year report, the Xmas party at the Savoy. My citizenship ceremony.

What song will always remind you of 2010?
I never think of songs and years. If there was some occasion that had a particular song playing, then maybe it would stick in my head. But this is not the role that music plays in my life. However, as I've just edited this to remember including my citizenship ceremony, how about 'God Save the Queen'?

Compared to this time last year you are: Happier or sadder?
Happier. Though there is always room for more.

Compared to this time last year you are: Thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Though probably only by 5 pounds, but it's enough to make me very very cross.

Compared to this time last year you are: Richer or poorer?
Richer. And certainly more stable. This time last year I was probably doing better as I was working for my old office, but it is entirely unclear how long that would have lasted. The PhD stipend is meager but do-able. I still take up some contract work, I have my lodger. It's enough for me to live my life generally how I want without worry right now though I'm obviously not saving much to speak of.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Traveling. Having sex (though this wasn't completely up to me obviously). Seeing friends.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Letting people get to me. Commuting, although it couldn't be helped.

How did you spend Xmas?
Xmas Eve veggie feast at H's. Xmas morning present opening. Horse riding. Veggie feast leftovers. Volunteering at a Crisis dependency shelter. Dinner at another friend's. Crashing out when I couldn't drink anymore.

How many one-night stands?
None. I really don't like them and wouldn't aspire to any. Though G is practically a one night stand with only two nights to account for and his follow-up behavior.

What was your favorite TV program?
Being Human and Misfits will both rank high. I discovered Gavin and Stacey even though it was already finished.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a very strong word, so generally I'd say no, but M has seriously pushed my patience to the limit.

What was the best book you read?
I read a lot of books. I'm trying to think if anything made it to the shelf this year. Probably the best things I read this year were more work oriented than entertaining. Green Metropolis made a big impression on me.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Again, I really don't think that I think of music in this way. I don't spend time listening to much new music or being up to date with musicians. I tend to rely on old favorites. WXPN World Cafe Cd's always provide new stimulation however. And if I really had to pick a new discovery it would be Tim Minchin who I only learned about this year and then got to see perform. I heart him.

What did you want and get?
Er... a computer? Some sex? British citizenship! That was a big deal, and a long time wanting!

What was your favorite film of this year?
Damn. I'm not sure I remember the films I saw this year. I'm sure I saw some good films as well, but I'm having a hard time calling any to mind. I'm going to have to say Scott Pilgrim vs. the World which was a really entertaining film and I had entertaining company for it. Unfortunately that company turned out to be one of the two twatty boys. Avatar was also good, if only for the pure visual spectacle of it.

What did you do on your birthday and hold old were you?
I was camping in the New Forest with H. I was riding my bike across a stream. I was eating Ottolenghi treats under an open sky and watching meteors. I was sleeping in a tent. I was reading the True Blood books. I was stroking the nose of a horse. I turned 36.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Concept? What concept?

What kept you sane?
My friends. Always.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I never particularly fancy celebrities. I think they'd all be arrogant and shit in bed.

What political issue stirred you the most?
All of them? I am not in favor of the new UK government and many of their policies. Intense budget cuts with no real plans for how to address the issues, tuition fee increases without a good plan for providing funding for students who need it. In the US the continual polarization of politics is infuriating. As are climate change deniers and the lack of the Conference of Parties to reach a global agreement on emissions.

Who did you miss?
My Aunt. I always miss my aunt even though she's been gone over 10 years now. I missed S who is off in Africa. I missed a lot of my friends as I was often someplace else.

Who was the best new person you met?
I met a lot of people in Cambridge this year and at my industrial partner's office. I also met a guy who dazzled me and who also has turned into one of the worst people I met all year. Typical.

What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010?
I do have actual skills. Yes, they could be better, and yes, there are people out there better than me but it doesn't invalidate that I actually have skills of my own.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about....

And Relax

Well, sort of. For the most part. December 10th has now come and gone and with it the last bit of major work that I needed to concern myself with this year. The workshop seemed to go very well. There were a lot of important and knowledgeable people there who seemed to really get into what we were asking them to do. There were a couple of small glitches, but mostly things that I noticed, because I am a perfectionist and because I am actually reasonably good at this sort of stuff, I notice when people don't do as well or don't do what they should have done. But it didn't negatively impact the day in particular, and so in general I would say it went well.

I was exhausted going home- I feel fast asleep on the bus. I mean, I often fall asleep on the bus but I wouldn't have been surprised if I was snoring or something this time. I was really out of it and did the whole 'jerk awake' thing a couple of times.

This morning my cough seems a bit worse for all the talking I've been doing lately, and my back and neck are sort of hurting (though this is probably more from doing exactly what I'm doing now- typing on the sofa as opposed to sitting in a good chair). But really I'm looking at a significant portion of down time until mid-January when I need to kick off with my own work and research now, which I'm really very excited about (though somewhat intimidated by).

This past week on Wednesday I also had my second meeting as 'Director of Studies' with my three students on the Master's course at Cambridge. Those went very well and I was flattered because all three of the students reported that in discussion with other students on the course, they all felt I was the best DoS and also supervisor that anyone had. That made me feel very good. Who wouldn't like validation for the work that they do? But in particular I do think that after the PhD I want to look into teaching more and it's this sort of thing that makes me feel like that's exactly the right decision. I know I won't be ideal for every student, and there will always be students who don't like me, or don't get what I'm trying to tell them. But in general if the feedback is positive, then that will help me overcome my tendency to fixate on 'bad things'. At any rate, right now I feel very good about it because all I got was positive feedback so that made me happy.

Amusingly this experience was contrasted by having a big argument on the same day with A who is the other PhD student that started when I started. We were discussing the information for the workshop and he had undertaken one of the major exercises and we were going through it and I was pointing out a few things I would change. Everything I point out to him he argues with me about. I wanted to be like, "Look. I've done probably over 100 consultations, workshops, stakeholder meetings, or professional meetings with diverse professional people IN THIS INDUSTRY and I think I know what wording works best and what doesn't, and how to put together a handout." But I didn't, because that would have been incredibly bitchy and probably not received well. But honestly. It's entirely obvious that he feels a need to 'prove' that we are equal, but I'm ten years older than him and have worked substantially, so while we are equal in the PhD sense, we are certainly not equal in the life experience sense and I really wish he'd recognize that sometimes instead of always arguing with me.

Also, when someone argues with me like that about something I am sure about, I don't back down either. So it becomes a very useless exercise. I did keep saying to him that I didn't want to discuss it and we needed to call the third person (who I knew he would listen to) but he just kept hammering on about it so I kept deflecting. It was just overall, very annoying. But I'm really not sure how else to deal with him as I'm certainly not going to let him have has own way, especially when it is anything that is going to have my name attached to it, and I think he's completely and utterly wrong.

In boy land there isn't too much of interest going on. Little jackrabbit is off in Columbia, though he did send me an email so that was nice. I also have been sitting on a huge annoyance at Econ so I sent him a text last night which only said 'nudge' but was enough to kick off a text conversation and plans to meet up next week and maybe the week after. I probably shouldn't have done that in the sense that, I should find a way to just let him drop off. But I knew that he'd be in touch at some point anyway so it's no good to try and let someone go when they just pop up again unless it's more finished in my opinion. So whatever. I don't hope for anything from him in particular, and I do enjoy his company, and if we meet up maybe I will tell him off for being so crap about things. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Later tonight I'm going to Volupte for a friend's birthday. What I really need to do is go get a dress for that because I don't have anything to wear. That was my original plan for today- dress shopping. But right now I"m relaxing on the sofa as I can't stand the thought of the holiday crowds. Where can I go shopping with good selection which is not Oxford Circus? Need to think.