Precarious

I am glad to be home. My house seems sort of unfamiliar. Everything feels a bit strange.

Heathrow met me at the airport yesterday and we went to the reservoir to which he belongs and went sailing as part of their open day. It couldn't have been a better day. The sun was shining, the weather was mild. We had a really good time out there and it was a lot of fun.

Except... we didn't really make out or hook up and we certainly didn't have sex. We cuddled for a bit. But that was all. Of course, I am partially to blame because I am simply not aggressive when it comes to intimacy and find it hard to voice my desire for it. But then again, even though I didn't, he didn't either and while I know I am held back by fear of rejection, maybe he was held back because he just didn't want to.

This upset me, even though overall, we had a really brilliant day.

I got home and pretty much crashed, but got a strange call from S about work basically saying not to come in this week. In fact, it's been a week of my feeling paranoid about this already so of course now I am invigorated in my paranoia that I have lost my small part time job.

The only thing keeping me from completely losing my shit over this at the moment is that I just arranged some work through one of my freelance clients for this week which means I'll have something coming in, and then D, S's partner from work just called me about a personal matter to draw up a planning application for a house extension for him, so that would be work for next week. But then it looks like I may be entirely screwed.

I called the PhD people today and left a message asking about what's going on with the selection process.

There's a job through crossrail I need to apply for but I think I am under qualified for, and will have far too much competition for, but I will apply regardless.

I feel like I've come back to some alternate reality where everything that was just barely fine and under control is suddenly not fine at all, and not at all under control and if I don't hold on very very tight and pay very very close attention I am simply going to lose it.

Of course, if I lose it, there is only me to pick myself back up so it will be some sort of minor tantrum of embarrassment before it's left to me to pick up the pieces anyway.

I hope things settle back into some sort of positive routine soon. Because I don't know what I'm going to do otherwise.