Mind Tricks

So did I say yesterday that being away and with my family brings out some of my psychosis? Let me put it here because it's driving me batshit crazy and I need to say something somewhere without saying what I really want to say- yet.

So Wednesday before I left I emailed Heathrow. This is standard practice for us as we email regularly in the time we don't see each other. My email on Wednesday was mostly about how crappy I felt about flying, so when he didn't reply to that, I wasn't completely taken off guard, though I won't say that it didn't bother me a little bit. Still, what can people say in the face of my phobia? I let it go as a one off.

So yesterday at six in the morning my time, I emailed him again. More chatty- about the stuff I've been up to, a more 'normal' email. Asked how he was, whatever. But as of yet, no reply.

No reply.

This means I haven't had any email off of him since Tuesday- or possibly Wednesday morning. Lets just say Wednesday. The point being, it's not the typical pattern and when I am traveling and my world has been ripped away from its normality, I am particularly and overly sensitive to what is 'normal' and what is 'not normal' and right now I have this very loud and irritating voice in my head practically screaming that 'SOMETHING IS WRONG'.

This is also backed up by the knowledge that he's been online, he just hasn't emailed me.

I know from therapy that my first instinct is to jump to the conclusion of rejection. I'm already doing this in my head in fact- hearing him say that he's mad/angry/upset/bored and doesn't want to be with me like that anymore. Except when I try (very hard) to think logically about it, that doesn't seem to be what should happen. But it's my biggest fear and probably my biggest trigger.

My current plan is to wait until Wednesday to send another email which casually asks what's up but is still chatty. I will put down here for the record however, that I feel like it is driving me completely batty. I hate that I feel like I leave someplace and everything falls apart and I lose things somehow. It's a bit hard to explain, I just know that loss/rejection is a huge issue for me- so much so that I preemptively look for it, even if it's not there.

But what if it is?

** Edited to add, email received. Nothing out of the ordinary (though I admit to the ordinary being slightly less than so). Craziness momentarily abated.