Some Thoughts on Relationships

I had a lovely dinner with Ms.Woo tonight. It's been far too long really. And while we caught up in general about general things, we chatted quite a bit about relationships, seeing as how we are emotionally twinned and not only share a great deal in our approaches and experiences, but can understand each other in this respect, amazingly well. Honestly, it's just... comforting in a way, to know someone understands exactly what you mean.

But I find myself in a strange situation. One that almost makes me uncomfortable I realize in that, my current relationship, while certainly full of its quirks and foibles, is actually okay. It's almost as though I feel like I am somehow betraying something about myself to discuss a relationship that I'm having that is not fraught with melodrama and insecurity and confusion. It seems wrong somehow. What does that say? Still work to do I think....

The thing is, this past year has not been an easy one when it comes to me and relationships. And really, this past year was simply a culmination of many years of bad relationship based experiences. For something like nine months post break-up I repeatedly broke my heart and head over Mr.Aloof. At the beginning of that cycle, I was in such a deep depression about the topic, that I started therapy. And probably, albeit in no particular way that I can pinpoint, therapy has been at the root of this current change in my life. Of course, I think I was primed for it- I was ready to try anything to end that particular cycle.

Tomorrow is my last therapy session for the time being. I think I need to live my new life for a bit and see how it goes. I find I don't have as much to say in therapy as I did. I find that life is actually okay, despite all of the inherent uncertainty. Of course, if I need her again- my therapist, I can always arrange more sessions. It's a process really. And this is where I am at the moment.

I'm at a place where I am conducting myself in a relationship that I would never have been able to before. Now, like I said, this relationship (with Heathrow- for any who are confused about it) is not perfect. Far from it. But it doesn't stress me out. It doesn't make me insecure. It doesn't fill my mind with obsessive and circuitous and self destructive thinking. I know what the problems are, and I know what I'm getting out of it, and it's all okay right now.

To put it simply, Heathrow is someone I would never have been able to date in the past. The qualities that I appreciate about him now would have made me feel insecure and uncertain before. Even the fact that I see him as more equal to me in our relationship as opposed to dominant in the relationship is something that I probably wouldn't have handled well previously, yet is something that I think is so much better than the previous pattern.

Which isn't to say that we're equal in the bedroom (or wherever we tend to be fooling around). The kink is there most definitely. But the relationship isn't dependent on the kink. In a way, I almost see this as a maturing of my kink as I was discussing with R at the new Peer Rope London workshop yesterday (which was fab and worth a different post). Once upon a time, my kink was a method through which I could deal with my relationship issues. Now that I am dealing with my relationship issues, the kink is free to just be enjoyed for what it is- without being inundated with emotional expectation and drama. Which is nice in a way, because it shows me that my enjoyment for kink is an inherent part of who I am- and not just a coping mechanism for relationship insecurities for which awareness I am probably grateful.

I am more in control in this relationship than I have ever felt in any relationship previously. Even if this is not 'the' relationship, it's one that I am glad to be having at this point in my life. One in where I spend time with someone who is fun and trustworthy and wants to spend time with me. One where I am comfortable being myself and not second guessing my actions and worrying all the time. One where I interact with someone who cares about me and pays attention when I drop hints about things.

Like when I said that the comment he made in passing about getting a pet tag made up for me, but then the shop was closed was a rather stimulating comment. And then I get the picture above in my inbox....

That's the best kind of kinky shmoop right there.

Awwwwww. *grin*