I've been thinking about writing which I suppose is a good thing. Or it's really not a value thing at all, it's just a thing. I haven't felt too much like writing for some time but suddenly I feel a lot like writing. And I can even tell you why. It's because I feel I have no one else to talk to.
This is not, actually, true. I have many people I can talk to. Many very good friends cultivated over many years who would probably be very happy to talk to me. But maybe this thing with S of the not-making-time-for-me-in-Chicago-and-not-talking-to-me-about-godparents has gotten to me. In fact I know it has. But add to that that my next best friend here just got engaged and has all sorts of stuff going on in her life anyway means I don't really feel like just dumping on her and anyway, it's not that I want to dump on someone. This is part of the problem. If I just needed someone to talk to, I have people to talk to. What i want is someone who WANTS to talk to me and that is actually something that is very different.
This has been thrown up to the surface by my continual perusal of dating sites and the never ending dismay that I do not have a boyfriend or any current hopes of one. I feel lonely is what it boils down to. Lonely for someone I can build a life with, not just a friend who has their own lives that take precedence. And that's the rub of it I suppose. I want to be one of the most important things to someone. And reflexively I wouldn't mind making someone else my most important thing. But right now it's just me. And I'm lonely.
Although I'm not lacking for things to do. That's for fucking sure. I have so much to do and I'm so awful at getting it done. This probably also is fueling this loneliness issue because if I had someone who really cared about it me and was intimately involved in my life, maybe I'd feel a bit more ashamed about my procrastination or to put it in a different way, I know that I perform much better when I have someone expecting something from me and that could be filled by a partner. Although I realize that sounds like an entirely selfish reason for wanting a partner. Though isn't not wanting to be lonely in general a selfish thought? I don't really care. Like I said, I'd be very happy to provide the counterpoint- to alleviate someone else's loneliness.
So anyway, here's the thing. I may start writing here a lot more. Mainly because I need a place to dump some shit out of my head. Not that most of it's going to be very interesting, in fact, I suspect it won't be. But I need a connection- a deeper connection to something. And I can say whatever I want to myself (and the few of you who stumble by on occasion). That's how I started writing in an journal in the first place. I think I haven't felt an urge to dump my brain for some time but suddenly the urge seems larger. Probably because I'm procrastinating. But that's okay. It doesn't matter why. It only matters if it helps.
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