If I was going to try and name what I feel like I'm going through I would say it is like slipping in to a sort of depression. Except it's not a depression that can be addressed with drugs or talk therapy. It's not a secret that human beings can only handle a certain level of stress and then they start acting funny. That's how I feel. I'm incredibly stressed and overwhelmed and I feel out of my depth, like a faker, as if I have an impossible task ahead of me, a failure before I've truly begun. I attended something or other a while ago that told us that something like 40% of all PhD students suffer from some sort of depression. I am familiar with some of this as I have watched some of my fellow students plummet into what I can only call a depressive and dark place. And in all honesty, I have not particularly equated my own feelings of rising stress with the same. But in fact this morning it seems relatively clear to me now that this is what is going on.
But what can be done about it? It's really rather ridiculous. I can't seek help to get my work done. I can't go faster, and I have all the time in the world (although my funding will run out, it's not exactly like something terrible happens if I don't finish by a certain time). So I have everything I can have, but it's not good enough. I am panicked. I am stressed. I am struggling. And this causes me to desire caring and assistance. Which I have also fairly obviously objectified into the form of a mysterious (and non-existent) partner.
I suppose in some ways it's all very textbook but it doesn't make the experience of going through it any less real. I am stressed. I am on edge. I feel needy. Because I am in a sort of trouble and the only immediate relief that I can imagine is that of someone else offering me.... solace? Comfort. Solidarity. Someone else to pick up some part of this massive burden and assure me that I can do this, that I will get through it, and again in an informative sort of way, to let me know that I am not alone. Because I suppose that's a hallmark of depression, be it chemically brain induced or self induced. You start to plummet to a point where you just feel alone. And when you are stressed or upset or unhappy, being alone is not necessarily a very nice place to be. In other circumstances, I'm very happy being alone. This is not one of them.
I wonder how long this is going to last? If this is my emotional template for the next six months? I can see quite easily how it might be. Fuck but it's unpleasant.
No comments:
Post a Comment