Not Me

Seeing as I've had somewhat similar information which has made me unhappy from two different people come at me in less than 12 hours, I figured it warrants a blog.

Last night I met up with Econ. He has generally been a twat, and I didn't have expectations in seeing him, and so all of that was fine. We met up for drinks in Hoxton. When he greeted me, he kissed me on the lips. But there was no real intimacy for the majority of the evening. We chatted, we played a couple rounds of scrabble. But there were slight touches here and there and at one point he rested his head on my shoulder and I stroked his hair. Then the bar was closing and we were parting and we were saying goodbye but it was just strange. He wasn't quite going, it was all a bit awkward. I told him he was weird. We talked a bit, I told him he was weird again and then he tells me that the other person he told me he was seeing in September, well, that had progressed a bit, for whatever that was worth. So okay. You wait until the entire end of an evening to tell me you are seeing someone else? Oh yeah, and he kissed me on the lips again to say goodbye. To be honest, if I was his girlfriend, I wouldn't be at all impressed with this behavior. I guess it's a good thing I'm not his girlfriend. It doesn't mean though that it still doesn't sting a bit, or that the annoyance isn't there.

Then I wake up this morning to an email from the jackrabbit in Columbia which was cool. And it was all very chatty and then he throws in at the last bit that he might be getting back together with his ex. Now with the jackrabbit, I didn't see a 'relationship' blooming, so it's not necessarily hurtful in the same way. But I find it's still a bit hurtful somehow. Maybe I thought we could continue our fun when he got back. And I guess as he's thinking of 'getting back together with someone' on top of the news of last night, it just smacks me on the face twice that it always seems to be 'not me' in dealings with guys.

And it hurts a bit.

Not paralytically, but enough to bug me.

There isn't anything to be done about it of course. And it's probably for the best in some ways because I knew that neither one of them was quite right for assorted reasons. So better to have that be more clear than less clear. But it leaves me at square zero pretty much. And to be honest I am oh so tired of being at square zero. I have a nice home here at square zero, and I know how to be happy here. But I see those other squares out there and I wonder why it is I just don't seem to be allowed to go on them.

I said to someone a few days ago that part of the problem I think is that I don't think I need a man. I want a man. And that's an entirely different proposition. I am clearly extremely independent and capable. And maybe this is off putting. Maybe I give off the wrong sort of vibe. I know that seems insulting in some way to people in relationships, but I just try to understand what it is about me that creates my life, and this is something that seems to come up frequently.

Or maybe I'm just grasping at straws. Because it's easier to have explanations than no explanations. And it's better for me to have explanations that are not 'I am shit'. And that's the only good thing I can say. I'm not entirely hating myself this morning over this. Though maybe there's a slight whiff of it in the air, I'm not embracing it. So that's a good thing.

Regardless. It will all pass and it will all be fine. I'm off to Italy tomorrow morning so I can have a real vacation from my life. I think I need it.