35

Today is my birthday.

For a very long time I have tried to write a journal entry on my birthday. Not that I care much about birthdays to be honest. An August birthday is not kind to a child growing up. In particular it is not kind to a child growing up who must spend their summer with their other parent, in another state, far away from their friends who might actually still be in town as opposed to on holiday with their families.

But I do enjoy marking time and milestones. I like when things seem complete or whole, and so for that reason, I like the idea of birthdays. Whole numbers of whole years of time that can be measured. And taking measure, for what it's worth, of a moment, of a year, of a life.

So what can I say about this last year? Firstly that it has been a tremendous time of change, in a way that I did not anticipate or expect, mostly having to do with work. Although I don't see this as a bad thing. It scared me, certainly, but in a way showed me that I was stronger and more versatile and adaptable than I thought. It also showed me that I had better connections and networks than I knew. I was glad to find that I could rely on myself. That I managed my life in a way that when things went badly, I had allowed for a way to adapt. That I had resources to adapt. Okay, those resources have dwindled somewhat, but they were there for me when I needed them, and that's what I think is important.

On the personal side of thing, I really did get rid of the influence Mr.Aloof had on my life. At the point of my birthday last year, I would not say that I was over things. But now, a year later than that, I can say with confidence that I am well and truly over that. And I met Heathrow. And have had the opportunity to have a different sort of relationship with a different sort of person. And that has been lovely. Of course, writing this I am conscious of the fact that things with Heathrow may be coming to a close, but retrospectively, I appreciate that he entered my life when he did, and was the person he was and we have had what we've had so far, even though I don't know how much longer it might continue. It doesn't mean that I am so sure that I will find the 'one' for me for the future, but it all made me feel a little less freakish. A tiny bit more confident. Slightly more prepared for when I do meet the next person, and have a relationship, and how that process will go, and how I will be. So that's been a good thing about this year.

I did a lot more cooking this year, and I rode my bike a lot more, though not nearly enough on either count. I ate a lot more vegetables which is good. I ate out a lot less- through necessity. I learned some basic guitar which I continue to work on and have enjoyed. I returned to sailing which I've also really enjoyed. I've read more books than I've seen movies, though not very many are shelf worthy.

I was in my first wedding party. I had three flatmates over the course of the year. My dad finally came to visit me. I've had really good friends leave London, some going farther than others. I've made new friends, though only time will tell if they are the long lasting sort. The long lasting friends I already had have (both near and far) continued to grow and develop and be the mainstay of what I consider my social life.

Some more friends had babies. And probably for the first time ever I considered that it will be really sad if this is something that never happens for me. But I didn't dwell on it too much.

And what about the year ahead? There is so much uncertainty in the future that it's difficult to make any sort of concrete goals. I should be getting my dual citizenship soon, so there's that to look forward to. Again, a nice and compact accomplishment that will be deeply satisfying. I hope to have my job situation under control. I hope to make a trip to Africa- not because I particularly want to go to Africa but because I have the opportunity to and when would I ever go otherwise? I'd like to say my relationship situation might find its way but I think the reality is that is less likely as opposed to more likely, and again I don't see the point in dwelling upon it. I will continue to live my life in a way that I hopefully find fulfilling and satisfying. Continue to learn and grow.

It's a strange thing to think that you could easily be halfway done with your life. And what do you have to show for it exactly? What's the legacy that you'll leave? These are the things I think about sometimes.

At any rate, here's to a good year. I can't begin to imagine now what it's going to be, but there's one thing I can be sure of, there's no way it's going to be boring.

Boy Logic

I will never, ever, understand it.

I had other stuff I would have written about. Pictures to share of better rope. Updating on how I didn't get the teaching job, although they really liked me so vaguely offered me a lesser position maybe. How I didn't get the two PhD's I applied for. How I'm still waiting on Birmingham. How I've applied for another PhD. How it feels to be working back at my old office.

Instead, Heathrow is behaving inexplicably and it's upsetting me so I'm going to write about that instead.

Last Friday we were emailing, as we usually email and had been throughout the week. We exchanged some emails about his website. He asked me for feedback, I gave it. I sent other websites as examples. It all seemed like fine and normal conversation. Then he said he was going to bed (at the end of his last email) so I replied to all the other stuff he said and signed off.

The only thing about this exchange that I can call out as different or unusual in any way shape or form is that when I sent my goodnight email his way, I signed it off just not with my usual -K but with an xo -K. It wasn't some sort of intentional gesture. It was like... he was going to sleep. So, you know, hug and kiss goodnight. But it has occurred to me that I never signed any email to him with any sort of hug or kiss before.

Suffice to say, he hasn't said a single word to me since then, via email or otherwise.

I've sent him a couple of things. Some humor I found on the web and a normal chatty email. But I've gotten nothing. It's been abrupt. It's not been explained. It's not the normal pattern. And I am not at all pleased. I don't know- did I freak him out or something? Probably. He's clearly made some sort of decision not to talk to me this week (and for who knows how long), but just neglected to inform me of this decision which is, frankly, hurtful.

I don't care if we're dating or not dating or whatever the story is. But when your behavior towards someone changes so drastically without warning or explanation it's bound to upset the other person in question. And I am upset.

I just don't know what to do about it. It's more in my nature to come out blunt and honest. I don't do the pussyfooting game. I'd rather get things out in the open and if someone isn't willing to do it themselves, I'm the one who is quite happy to throw the lid off myself.

But I feel this is not the correct approach in this case because it's likely to inflame whatever the hell is going on as opposed to addressing it. On the other hand, how long am I supposed to wait being ignored before I happen to mention that I've noticed, and that I don't like it?

And let me assure you, I really don't like it. It's the sort of behavior that gets my hackles up entirely and makes me become instantly defensive and be argumentative and ready to fight. Which is clearly not the right attitude to have when addressing this sensitive matter.

Stupid boy logic.

Erotic Weekend Activities

Well, some of my various weekend activities. I think I've said there's a newly formed regular rope event that Heathrow is one of the organizers for? Or maybe I wasn't quite so specific about who was organizing... no matter- he is, and I've been going. This happens to be a picture of my hands from the third event which was last weekend. I thought I'd put it up here because I like it and it's obviously anonymous enough. The guy who was doing it was lovely. His first time doing any sort of tie at all. Rope virgin he was, getting a lesson from Heathrow on the basic wrap and cinch. One of the cornerstone ties in rope bondage, ever so versatile. And isn't that rope lovely? That's Heathrow's rope. The real stuff, all the way from Japan. It makes a difference you know, the diameter and the smoothness and material (that's jute). I tell you, that's good stuff and I'm quite spoiled now as I don't want any inferior kit if I ever get around to getting my own rope. I think a full set is like 200 quid, and by full set I mean ten pieces/lengths.

Needless to say, I won't be getting rope for myself anytime soon.

There were some other photos taken this past weekend at a club in Cambridge that are not so anonymous. Well, I think a couple were though. I'm waiting to get those, and I may put one or two up here. Unfortunately the one I liked the best- the one that was over exposed because the flash was wrong, I was told I won't be getting. Shame, because I could see manipulating that photo to be pretty awesome (and anonymous) and it was from the front. But the photographer saw it as a mistake. Well, we'll see what comes through.

Did I mention there was some fun roping over the weekend? As well as some fun whipping. And forced orgasms while suspended from a frame. Oh such fun. My legs were pretty wobbly yesterday though. Tee hee.

Speaking of rope, there's an interesting life drawing session with one of the best UK rope artists at the Resistance Gallery on Thursday. I'm thinking of going to that. It's close to my house. Although a tenner is a bit pricey. I think it should be a fiver to be honest. Especially for those of us not entirely employed! Well, we'll see. I always really enjoyed life drawing though. And I could see how this could be really good. Not only because it's life drawing but seriously, Murakawa is by far an excellent rigger and I didn't see much of his work during the Japanese Rope Festival a few weeks back. So score on both counts. The drawing thing reminds me of Dr. Sketchy which never seemed to succeed in London though I'm not sure why. Oh wait, I take that back entirely. Looks like it's been relaunched and events are running- excellent! I'll have to get along to one of those as well!

In other less entertaining news, I got a ding letter from one of the new PhD's I applied for. So still waiting on the other and waiting on Birmingham. But at least I have the teaching interview next Monday. Entirely nerve wracking. I'd rather be thinking about naughtiness than work.

Dishwasher

I just made a rather large amount of dishes dirty to make a rather small portion of food. In fact, it was just enough food for one person for a meal. When I started, I thought that maybe I'd have leftovers and enough for lunch and wouldn't that be nice. By the time I was done, I was surprised that I didn't even fill a single bowl. Well, I mostly filled one bowl. But that was it. Though it was tasty. Yum yum.

News of the moment is that I've been called in to interview for the teaching position I applied for, but I haven't heard anything yet from any of the three funded PhD's I'm waiting on. Even the Birmingham one which I called earlier this week in general frustration of not having heard anything at all since handing in the last asked for submission. I had to leave a message though- no one answered the phone.

I'm excited about the teaching interview although of course now I'm completely plagued by doubt that I'm not actually good enough for the job. I wrote the application with confidence and now I'm freaking out a bit. The interview is a week from Monday though- so there's time to get my head in a better space. It's only a 30 minute interview apparently. I wonder how many people they're seeing?

I continue to have some work at the old office which continues to be a life saver at the moment. It's my only income and I desperately need it. At the moment I'm working on the money that will see me through October. I've got August and September covered as long as I don't spend anything big (or medium). It's good to know I'm now okay for a couple of months, but still frustrating to be so close to not being okay and worried about when this particular cash flow is going to dry up.

I'm off to see Heathrow tomorrow in Cambridge and we're going to a bdsm club that I've gone with him to a couple of times now. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm not a huge fan of bdsm clubs- mainly because I'm not interested in casual play with people. Even if I know people, it's too intimate- it doesn't turn me on. I don't mind playing at a club with someone I'm with, but then Heathrow and I don't really play at clubs together. He might tie some people up and I may or may not get involved in something but rarely do we get involved in something together. This is generally because of him- he says that when he is sleeping with someone, he finds his interest in doing bdsm things to them dwindles. Which seems a bit odd to me. It's not that I'm lacking in cuddles and attention otherwise, but just not a huge amount of kink attention. Although saying that, the weekend before last we had a very fun episode that involved vet wrap, rope, and some scissors. And he tied me last weekend at the Peer. So I'm not saying it doesn't happen- but it's definitely not the focus of our interaction.

Anyway, so the club tomorrow night in Cambridge is the plan. Then whenever we get up on Saturday we'll drive to Heathrow to go sailing provided the weather is okay. Given what it looks like at the moment, maybe I should check that. There's a party at the reservoir in the evening but I don't think we decided if we're going to that. Then on Sunday there's another Peer in Coventry, but I'm not sure I'll go that. If I go, I won't get back to Cambridge until midnight or so and then I'll have to find my way back to Hackney to go to work on Monday so maybe it's not really worth it. But we said we'd play it by ear because maybe Heathrow won't go either. We'll see.

I cycled to work today. I think it's the first day I've cycled where my ass was not sore in some way. I think this is a good thing. I need to build up some endurance so I can enjoy the Skyride (previously Freewheel). Cycling to work is a good start but I realize I'm scared to try cycling to many other places. I cycled once to the Stoke Newington Reservoir which was good, but I think that's the only time I've really ventured out to somewhere new. I should work on this.

If I was smart I'd go pack my bag for tomorrow now as I need to pack a variety of things- a fetish outfit, sailing stuff, regular clothes, and possibly gym kit for the peer. I'm sure I'll leave it to the morning however.

Applications

It's been a manic few days around here. I'm still in it just a bit. I was finishing up my teaching application so I decided to have a look on the academic job listing website to see what else was out there, only to find that there were two more PhD programs (funded) that were very similar to the one I have already applied to do, and the deadlines were this past Friday, and Monday respectively. Cue panic.

There isn't any guarantee obviously that I'm going to get the Birmingham PhD. One of two still means only a 50% chance (better than the original 20% chance, but still, one person is going to be disappointed in all this). So I was very excited to see that there were other opportunities to do basically the same thing, and still get the same stipend at other schools. In fact, to a certain degree, these new PhD programs seem at first glance even better tailored to me and my interests than the Birmingham one. So I'm nervous and hopeful and stuck waiting again.

My biggest fear now being that I get Birmingham and somehow will need to convey to them that I want to wait to hear about the other ones. Seems like it might be bad form. But lets not count the chickens until we've even seen the eggs!

This mad focus on applications has meant that my work slipped a bit towards the end of the week and I didn't get done what I had wanted to, and in fact didn't even work as many hours as I would have wanted to. It's not the end of the world, but it's hard to balance all of these things. I think long term security takes priority over short term cash, but cash is low, so it's important too. Oh... I'm sure it's all fine, I just don't like when I don't get done all of the things I'd like.

Heathrow was supposed to come with me tonight to a joint birthday party but he's canceled so this means I'll only see him at the rope event tomorrow and we'll get no real private time. Maybe beforehand, but maybe not. It's okay though. I don't mind a down weekend of having time to myself. And I do have this last application to finish. Still, it means I won't see him until next weekend... but then hopefully I'll see him all next weekend and that will of course be fun. We've gone sailing a few times now and it's been really enjoyable. It's a little bit scarier though out on the big reservoir as opposed to the tiny one. But at least I'm learning.

New flatmate is working out fine. It was a slower start I think, to feeling 'comfortable' with each other, but he's settling in and we're more chatty and easy with each other so it's all good. And he is very neat and tidy and he doesn't eat toilet paper. So really, that's generally pretty good. My only complaint so far is he forgets about the no shoes thing which I don't really understand as there is a shoe rack right by the door. But that's minor. Neatness counts a whole lot more.

Nothing else is coming to mind that I should record. Life is about applications and waiting just now. Not the most exciting.

Chocolate Pretzels

Very little can be wrong in the world when I can sit and eat chocolate covered pretzels. This particular bag of booty was purchased in April when I was in the States. It's actually the first of three bags that I've decided to open. I hoard food you see. Sometimes I think it's good just to have something and then I'm reluctant to actually eat it because then I won't have it anymore. I realize this isn't the best pattern of behavior, but it's not really something I do consciously. In fact, when I think about such things, I try to 'give myself permission' to eat the good stuff as it were. Hence my current enjoyment of my pretzels. It probably also helps that I have two more bags after this one. Baby steps.

So what else is new around here then? Seems like work at the old office is continuing on a bit. I'm certainly not complaining about that. Given my new rigorous spending habits (or lack thereof), the money I have earned in these five weeks, plus the money I get from my lodger will get me through September. And I hope that by the end of September, I'll have made more money which will get me past then. That's how it works now really. Living on an extended timeline of cash. Until what time in the future can I afford myself. When does it become critical? How far ahead can I keep that line?

It's not awful mind you- it's just a very different way of thinking about things. It's not at all the same as a regular paycheck. Your entire way of making plans and thinking about the future changes completely. It's not bad- because I somehow manage to keep that line just ahead of me. But it could be bad. There's always that feeling of risk and uncertainty. I'm still somehow managing it okay, it's just weird.

No word from the PhD people. This of course leads me to think that I'm not going to get it and I keep waiting for my ding letter or phone call. Which is silly, but really, I just hate the waiting.

In the meantime I'm putting in a teaching application which would be pretty cool. Actually in some ways I think it would be cooler than the PhD. I don't know. I'm stressed that I'm not going to get anything at all. Fantastic opportunities passing me by and I don't get anything. Well, we'll see.

Things with Heathrow are alright. So alright in fact, that I fear it's the niggling beginning of the end. Because how can things be so alright with no possible opportunity for forward movement? How long can you stay happy but know that you've reached some sort of limit? I don't know. I'm not unhappy now by any means and I think it's important to stress that. The time we spend together is great. I hugely enjoy his company. We have lots of fun. It's just that it's all there is. Only good times. See, a bit confusing. Well, whatever. When I am truly dissatisfied or unhappy I will obviously need to revisit this topic. I guess I'm just mentioning a point. A small point. Perhaps a turning point. We'll see.

So what else is going on in life? My birthday is just about a month away. I've made no plans for it yet this year. Ideally I would have done a house party but I just can't see that happening this year. Two days after my birthday I'll be going to the ukulele proms with Heathrow which should be a hoot. But my two best friends won't be around so maybe I don't feel like doing all that much. It's still a month off though, so we'll see.

Anyway, that's the news from around here. No news is good news? The chocolate covered pretzels await.

Why Write?

Once upon a time blogs seemed to be the hot thing. People got book deals. Inner worlds were exposed. Those who wrote were either brave or stupid, exhibitionists, egoists, etc. The Internet, once just for porn was now for soul exposing intrigue and nosiness.

And then there was overload. Every one had a blog. Everyones mother had a blog. Everyones mothers ten cats each had their very own blog. People didn't update enough. People didn't say enough. Good bloggers disappeared. Blog readers became jaded. Expected more. Commented less.

Yet the blog persists. I have written before that I certainly don't see my blog as an exercise in attention. There are very few people who I know through my regular life that know about this blog and I think count to a total of three (unless one of them has told someone else which is possible). Only one of those people did I specifically tell about the blog. I think the other two found it. It's not that hard, something I have also previously discussed. Something I sort of regret at this point, but I don't see a good way to change.

I am amazed that I have had this blog over five years and managed to stay generally anonymous and out of the eye of friends and family, whom I admit, I speak about with some degree of regularity. Saying things I probably wouldn't say to their faces uninvited or unasked, but simply recording my thoughts on my life as I live it. So this blog is for me.

Which isn't to say I don't like the comments I get from readers, or knowing that people (even if it's a very small number) read. But it often feels more like a Greek chorus than a group of people I know in any way. The universal voice. Everyone wants to speak out to the ether and be answered, and so goes a blog.

Recently, friend S, the newly married, moved to Africa. Not really wanting to be there, and not having a job (or a television or a reliable Internet connection, or a car for that matter), she was thinking she needed something to do. S can be one of the funniest friends of mine in a really sharp way so I thought about it and told her she should write a blog. But not a blog where she tries to be funny or writes to her friends and family far away, but a blog where she records accurately how she feels about this place she doesn't really want to be, how it affects her new marriage, and how the next two years generally go for her (presumably they're going to try baby making soon, so add that to the things to write about). I figured this was a book I might buy, and certainly a book she might write, after the fact- something she says she has always wanted to do. I thought it was a good idea.

And I thought I convinced her it was a good idea. Her first post was full of promise- the delicate expression of fears, the biting humor. Her voice was taking shape.

Then, not two posts in, she decided to tell all of her friends and family about her blog. So far her mother, and this asshole twat from her wedding have felt the need to comment on every post. And her third post starts to lose the voice, pandering to the audience. Sanitizing.

I'm disappointed.

I know you can't make people do things, and I know that her blog will probably become an amusing place to tell stories and keep up with people. But I am pretty sure the new path it's taking means it won't have the substance necessary for a book. It won't be 'real' enough. And it makes me sad because I think she could have really done this thing and it would have been amazing.

But then again, maybe being stranded in a very foreign country where you pretty much don't at all want to be means that it's more important to have that sort of contact from people than it is to write down your thoughts where you continue to dwell on how much you don't like feeling stranded and alone.

Ah well.

As for me, five years on in my corner of the Internet and I have nothing particularly interesting that would make a book, don't have a legion of loyal readers, and have somehow, for the most part, managed to keep my anonymity while writing down for the most part pretty much exactly what I want to.

I don't mind that. After all, it's really just for me.