Dishwasher

I just made a rather large amount of dishes dirty to make a rather small portion of food. In fact, it was just enough food for one person for a meal. When I started, I thought that maybe I'd have leftovers and enough for lunch and wouldn't that be nice. By the time I was done, I was surprised that I didn't even fill a single bowl. Well, I mostly filled one bowl. But that was it. Though it was tasty. Yum yum.

News of the moment is that I've been called in to interview for the teaching position I applied for, but I haven't heard anything yet from any of the three funded PhD's I'm waiting on. Even the Birmingham one which I called earlier this week in general frustration of not having heard anything at all since handing in the last asked for submission. I had to leave a message though- no one answered the phone.

I'm excited about the teaching interview although of course now I'm completely plagued by doubt that I'm not actually good enough for the job. I wrote the application with confidence and now I'm freaking out a bit. The interview is a week from Monday though- so there's time to get my head in a better space. It's only a 30 minute interview apparently. I wonder how many people they're seeing?

I continue to have some work at the old office which continues to be a life saver at the moment. It's my only income and I desperately need it. At the moment I'm working on the money that will see me through October. I've got August and September covered as long as I don't spend anything big (or medium). It's good to know I'm now okay for a couple of months, but still frustrating to be so close to not being okay and worried about when this particular cash flow is going to dry up.

I'm off to see Heathrow tomorrow in Cambridge and we're going to a bdsm club that I've gone with him to a couple of times now. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm not a huge fan of bdsm clubs- mainly because I'm not interested in casual play with people. Even if I know people, it's too intimate- it doesn't turn me on. I don't mind playing at a club with someone I'm with, but then Heathrow and I don't really play at clubs together. He might tie some people up and I may or may not get involved in something but rarely do we get involved in something together. This is generally because of him- he says that when he is sleeping with someone, he finds his interest in doing bdsm things to them dwindles. Which seems a bit odd to me. It's not that I'm lacking in cuddles and attention otherwise, but just not a huge amount of kink attention. Although saying that, the weekend before last we had a very fun episode that involved vet wrap, rope, and some scissors. And he tied me last weekend at the Peer. So I'm not saying it doesn't happen- but it's definitely not the focus of our interaction.

Anyway, so the club tomorrow night in Cambridge is the plan. Then whenever we get up on Saturday we'll drive to Heathrow to go sailing provided the weather is okay. Given what it looks like at the moment, maybe I should check that. There's a party at the reservoir in the evening but I don't think we decided if we're going to that. Then on Sunday there's another Peer in Coventry, but I'm not sure I'll go that. If I go, I won't get back to Cambridge until midnight or so and then I'll have to find my way back to Hackney to go to work on Monday so maybe it's not really worth it. But we said we'd play it by ear because maybe Heathrow won't go either. We'll see.

I cycled to work today. I think it's the first day I've cycled where my ass was not sore in some way. I think this is a good thing. I need to build up some endurance so I can enjoy the Skyride (previously Freewheel). Cycling to work is a good start but I realize I'm scared to try cycling to many other places. I cycled once to the Stoke Newington Reservoir which was good, but I think that's the only time I've really ventured out to somewhere new. I should work on this.

If I was smart I'd go pack my bag for tomorrow now as I need to pack a variety of things- a fetish outfit, sailing stuff, regular clothes, and possibly gym kit for the peer. I'm sure I'll leave it to the morning however.

Applications

It's been a manic few days around here. I'm still in it just a bit. I was finishing up my teaching application so I decided to have a look on the academic job listing website to see what else was out there, only to find that there were two more PhD programs (funded) that were very similar to the one I have already applied to do, and the deadlines were this past Friday, and Monday respectively. Cue panic.

There isn't any guarantee obviously that I'm going to get the Birmingham PhD. One of two still means only a 50% chance (better than the original 20% chance, but still, one person is going to be disappointed in all this). So I was very excited to see that there were other opportunities to do basically the same thing, and still get the same stipend at other schools. In fact, to a certain degree, these new PhD programs seem at first glance even better tailored to me and my interests than the Birmingham one. So I'm nervous and hopeful and stuck waiting again.

My biggest fear now being that I get Birmingham and somehow will need to convey to them that I want to wait to hear about the other ones. Seems like it might be bad form. But lets not count the chickens until we've even seen the eggs!

This mad focus on applications has meant that my work slipped a bit towards the end of the week and I didn't get done what I had wanted to, and in fact didn't even work as many hours as I would have wanted to. It's not the end of the world, but it's hard to balance all of these things. I think long term security takes priority over short term cash, but cash is low, so it's important too. Oh... I'm sure it's all fine, I just don't like when I don't get done all of the things I'd like.

Heathrow was supposed to come with me tonight to a joint birthday party but he's canceled so this means I'll only see him at the rope event tomorrow and we'll get no real private time. Maybe beforehand, but maybe not. It's okay though. I don't mind a down weekend of having time to myself. And I do have this last application to finish. Still, it means I won't see him until next weekend... but then hopefully I'll see him all next weekend and that will of course be fun. We've gone sailing a few times now and it's been really enjoyable. It's a little bit scarier though out on the big reservoir as opposed to the tiny one. But at least I'm learning.

New flatmate is working out fine. It was a slower start I think, to feeling 'comfortable' with each other, but he's settling in and we're more chatty and easy with each other so it's all good. And he is very neat and tidy and he doesn't eat toilet paper. So really, that's generally pretty good. My only complaint so far is he forgets about the no shoes thing which I don't really understand as there is a shoe rack right by the door. But that's minor. Neatness counts a whole lot more.

Nothing else is coming to mind that I should record. Life is about applications and waiting just now. Not the most exciting.

Chocolate Pretzels

Very little can be wrong in the world when I can sit and eat chocolate covered pretzels. This particular bag of booty was purchased in April when I was in the States. It's actually the first of three bags that I've decided to open. I hoard food you see. Sometimes I think it's good just to have something and then I'm reluctant to actually eat it because then I won't have it anymore. I realize this isn't the best pattern of behavior, but it's not really something I do consciously. In fact, when I think about such things, I try to 'give myself permission' to eat the good stuff as it were. Hence my current enjoyment of my pretzels. It probably also helps that I have two more bags after this one. Baby steps.

So what else is new around here then? Seems like work at the old office is continuing on a bit. I'm certainly not complaining about that. Given my new rigorous spending habits (or lack thereof), the money I have earned in these five weeks, plus the money I get from my lodger will get me through September. And I hope that by the end of September, I'll have made more money which will get me past then. That's how it works now really. Living on an extended timeline of cash. Until what time in the future can I afford myself. When does it become critical? How far ahead can I keep that line?

It's not awful mind you- it's just a very different way of thinking about things. It's not at all the same as a regular paycheck. Your entire way of making plans and thinking about the future changes completely. It's not bad- because I somehow manage to keep that line just ahead of me. But it could be bad. There's always that feeling of risk and uncertainty. I'm still somehow managing it okay, it's just weird.

No word from the PhD people. This of course leads me to think that I'm not going to get it and I keep waiting for my ding letter or phone call. Which is silly, but really, I just hate the waiting.

In the meantime I'm putting in a teaching application which would be pretty cool. Actually in some ways I think it would be cooler than the PhD. I don't know. I'm stressed that I'm not going to get anything at all. Fantastic opportunities passing me by and I don't get anything. Well, we'll see.

Things with Heathrow are alright. So alright in fact, that I fear it's the niggling beginning of the end. Because how can things be so alright with no possible opportunity for forward movement? How long can you stay happy but know that you've reached some sort of limit? I don't know. I'm not unhappy now by any means and I think it's important to stress that. The time we spend together is great. I hugely enjoy his company. We have lots of fun. It's just that it's all there is. Only good times. See, a bit confusing. Well, whatever. When I am truly dissatisfied or unhappy I will obviously need to revisit this topic. I guess I'm just mentioning a point. A small point. Perhaps a turning point. We'll see.

So what else is going on in life? My birthday is just about a month away. I've made no plans for it yet this year. Ideally I would have done a house party but I just can't see that happening this year. Two days after my birthday I'll be going to the ukulele proms with Heathrow which should be a hoot. But my two best friends won't be around so maybe I don't feel like doing all that much. It's still a month off though, so we'll see.

Anyway, that's the news from around here. No news is good news? The chocolate covered pretzels await.

Why Write?

Once upon a time blogs seemed to be the hot thing. People got book deals. Inner worlds were exposed. Those who wrote were either brave or stupid, exhibitionists, egoists, etc. The Internet, once just for porn was now for soul exposing intrigue and nosiness.

And then there was overload. Every one had a blog. Everyones mother had a blog. Everyones mothers ten cats each had their very own blog. People didn't update enough. People didn't say enough. Good bloggers disappeared. Blog readers became jaded. Expected more. Commented less.

Yet the blog persists. I have written before that I certainly don't see my blog as an exercise in attention. There are very few people who I know through my regular life that know about this blog and I think count to a total of three (unless one of them has told someone else which is possible). Only one of those people did I specifically tell about the blog. I think the other two found it. It's not that hard, something I have also previously discussed. Something I sort of regret at this point, but I don't see a good way to change.

I am amazed that I have had this blog over five years and managed to stay generally anonymous and out of the eye of friends and family, whom I admit, I speak about with some degree of regularity. Saying things I probably wouldn't say to their faces uninvited or unasked, but simply recording my thoughts on my life as I live it. So this blog is for me.

Which isn't to say I don't like the comments I get from readers, or knowing that people (even if it's a very small number) read. But it often feels more like a Greek chorus than a group of people I know in any way. The universal voice. Everyone wants to speak out to the ether and be answered, and so goes a blog.

Recently, friend S, the newly married, moved to Africa. Not really wanting to be there, and not having a job (or a television or a reliable Internet connection, or a car for that matter), she was thinking she needed something to do. S can be one of the funniest friends of mine in a really sharp way so I thought about it and told her she should write a blog. But not a blog where she tries to be funny or writes to her friends and family far away, but a blog where she records accurately how she feels about this place she doesn't really want to be, how it affects her new marriage, and how the next two years generally go for her (presumably they're going to try baby making soon, so add that to the things to write about). I figured this was a book I might buy, and certainly a book she might write, after the fact- something she says she has always wanted to do. I thought it was a good idea.

And I thought I convinced her it was a good idea. Her first post was full of promise- the delicate expression of fears, the biting humor. Her voice was taking shape.

Then, not two posts in, she decided to tell all of her friends and family about her blog. So far her mother, and this asshole twat from her wedding have felt the need to comment on every post. And her third post starts to lose the voice, pandering to the audience. Sanitizing.

I'm disappointed.

I know you can't make people do things, and I know that her blog will probably become an amusing place to tell stories and keep up with people. But I am pretty sure the new path it's taking means it won't have the substance necessary for a book. It won't be 'real' enough. And it makes me sad because I think she could have really done this thing and it would have been amazing.

But then again, maybe being stranded in a very foreign country where you pretty much don't at all want to be means that it's more important to have that sort of contact from people than it is to write down your thoughts where you continue to dwell on how much you don't like feeling stranded and alone.

Ah well.

As for me, five years on in my corner of the Internet and I have nothing particularly interesting that would make a book, don't have a legion of loyal readers, and have somehow, for the most part, managed to keep my anonymity while writing down for the most part pretty much exactly what I want to.

I don't mind that. After all, it's really just for me.

A Moment of Calm

It's been a bit busy around here. The interview went very well. So well, that they called me on Friday to say that it was between me and one other person. The problem being however, they can't decide which one of us they want. I had a second interview the following week with the architect who is sponsoring the research and I think that also went well, but it did not move the panel towards a decision. I now need to answer a few questions and write up a three year program of work and resources and outcomes and then maybe they'll pick me or this other person. Who knows. I'm obviously very flattered to have made it as far as I have and to obviously be well thought of, but dragging out the process is just that- dragging out the process. And one of us isn't going to get it, you know? So it's all a bit meh.

I've been working on the teaching application as well. I thought it was due June 10 but actually it's July 10 which is four days after the next PhD installment is due, so at least that gives me some time. In some ways at this point I think I'd almost prefer the teaching position and sod the PhD but I think I'm only saying that because I'm frustrated and nervous. The reality is I think I'd be happy with either.

So my dad was here with my stepmother. That was exciting. In the six years I've lived here, my father has never come to visit (although my stepmother has). He really hates traveling and spending money so it wasn't really a surprise that he hadn't come to visit, but it was a surprise that he did come to visit. And we had a really good time, despite his quirks and that he almost broke my computer (but managed to fix it). The visit was short overall but my dad said things like, "The next time I'm here..." which makes me think he'd consider coming back which is cool.

Then there was the wedding. Very hectic for the bride and so by default me as I felt a bit like the diffuser or the dumpster for some of her anxiety. Not that I minded overmuch because I figure that was part of my job and what I could do for her, but it still made it a more stressful experience than just a purely fun experience. The event went off alright with a few explosive glitches, but overall okay.

Of course the wedding, which was on a Sunday was followed by my being in Bristol on Monday, having my second interview on Tuesday, my parents leaving on Wednesday and the bride moving off to her new home to be with her husband in Kenya on Thursday which also saw me start work for a month back at my old practice who called me to say they needed some help.

And on the weekend I went to see Heathrow because it had been a while and I missed him and I'd be damned no matter how tired or worn out I was that I was going to miss it. So I got myself to Bottisham (don't ask) and spent last rainy weekend having amazing food in Newmarket (seriously, one of the best Thai restaurants ever is in this small town- I don't know why, but it's beyond simple or even medium expectations- truly exceptional) which is the second time we've been. There was of course the standard messing about business which is always enjoyable. And lots of just cuddling and snoozing together. Simple pleasures I tell you. I could easily waste a large portion of my life in bed doing just that.

And then it was back to London on Sunday and off to dinner at a friend's and then back to work on Monday. This week has been a bit busy too. Oh, I forgot to say that the original New Zealand flatmate also came back the same week my dad and stepmother arrived. Her sublet was still here. So this past Tuesday the original flatmate had all her stuff packed up and headed back to New Zealand for good and just today the subletting flatmate moved all of her stuff out as well. So on top of everything the house has been something like a small disaster area while all this other stuff was going on. Luckily, today the cleaner came so the flat is pretty nice and tidy just in time for the new flatmate to move in on Saturday. I'm going with a guy this time. I think I had enough of messy girls for a bit. I hope the guy works out and isn't too odd. He's slightly older and Australian- I'll try not to hold these things against him. He seemed nice enough.

So what else can I talk about other than just an update as to life in general? I suppose there are lots of things I could talk about but I don't really feel that motivated. Maybe after this rush of being 'on' all the time I'm sliding into a bit of a lull. It's not surprising really. It doesn't feel like any sort of major depression or crash, maybe just a mild one. I just need to recharge a bit. Which hopefully I'll do this weekend. I'm not seeing Heathrow as he's taking a course, and other than the new flatmate moving in I've got nothing going on so I can work on my applications and just chill which sounds like just the thing.

Merry Month Of

Been a while again. I wonder how many of my various journal and diary entries start this way? I go through phases where I write all the time and then I stop for a time and of course life progresses and goes about it's business- I just neglect to record any of it. It's cyclical. It's fine.

Tomorrow is my interview for this PhD. I am feeling somewhat ambivalent about it and I'm not entirely sure why. It may be because I am only one in five and so four people will be disappointed by this exercise which are not good odds. It could be that even if I get the PhD it means my life is not really settled or secure in that I will still need to find other sources of income, though I will be at least protected from complete disaster- it will not be enough for me to really enjoy my life the way I would like to.

Or it could be that I'm just scared of undertaking such a thing so I find it difficult to get motivated and excited about it because actually it scares me. I think this is probably the most likely culprit, mixed with a firm understanding of 20% odds. Ah well. I will do my best and it will be what it will be.

This past weekend was S's hen weekend which went well for all the effort put into it. I've managed to collect almost all the money owed to me and have paid off the expenses I undertook for it which is all good. The pictures to show for it are excellent and a good night was had by all. The tea on Sunday was okay- certainly not the best I've had in London and the company was not nearly as fun and exciting as Saturday, but it was a good compliment to accommodate all the people that needed to be accommodated, so that was good.

Unfortunately it was followed by some drama involving the hen and her parents who are, pretty much, crazy. And of course when you say this, someone will say, "Oh yes, but everyone is crazy.", which is true- but lets face it- some people are more crazy than others and her parents are somewhat high on the scale. So a week before her wedding her parents are on the phone to her being aggressive and horrible and telling her what a nasty person she is and how everything that is wrong with their trip to the UK so far is her fault. Charming.

The wedding is next weekend and I hope it goes off without a hitch. I imagine though that there may be various stories that come out of it, I just hope that they are funny as opposed to horrifying. My dad and step-mother arrive Thursday morning and that is it's own bubble of issues. I called them yesterday and they are having one of those moments in their interaction where my step-mother is really fed up with my dad. Not that I blame her, I just wish it wasn't coinciding with this trip although in fairness, it has probably been egged on by the trip and in particular because my dad can be one cheap bastard.

But I can't really think about them at the moment because I am only thinking about my interview and presentation and getting on trains and wearing my suit and then coming back to London and going straight to the wedding rehearsal which is frankly enough to think about at the moment.

In other unrelated but related news, there is another job I can apply for which could be good- another part time opportunity though I do start to see the benefit to this arrangement at the moment. I have requested the application pack and figure I will know about the PhD soon so if I don't get it, new application is going out pronto.

Things with Heathrow continue to be what they are. I saw him last weekend but not this past weekend as I was obviously busy and I won't see him next weekend because of parents and weddings. I miss that pleasant addition to my current lifestyle but know that it will return soon enough. It does not cause me any stress this thing with Heathrow, even though I know it isn't particularly going anywhere. It's just pleasant to have something nice for me for a change. Somewhat reliable and without drama. There is enough drama in the rest of life at the moment.

I am looking forward to June I think. Things should settle somewhat- one way or another.

Chances

Let me get the most important news out of the way first. I have made it to the interview round for the PhD. My understanding is they have invited five candidates to prepare a fifteen minute presentation followed by a fifteen minute question and answer period. The topic of the presentation is good. Like a design problem. And I am all over it. In my head that is. I actually need to start getting it out into format and testing the timing of the presentation as I've been told it will be a rigorous and unforgiving fifteen minute window.

Still, what this means is I am down to the final five for this research. I imagine there were a few hundred applications, at least, so that's pretty cool isn't it? I'm sure all the candidates are pretty good though. So it's going to need to be a good show for the final round. But I have a chance. That's what's important.

I would be working on that this week if I hadn't managed to swing a small job for the week which takes precedence I'm afraid. Especially since I didn't really make much last week, and even though I made something, I haven't been paid for it yet, so that's not great. I mean, I will get paid- it just hasn't come through yet, so I haven't earned anything for almost four weeks now. At least I got paid finally for my last bit of the part time work I did, so that's going into my account pronto. It's down to counting pennies these days again. No fun.

Had a really good bank holiday weekend which saw me pass my RYA level 2 sailing course. I did this at the Stoke Newington Reservoir Centre which is not so far from here. It was really good. The wind wasn't as steady as one might like for practicing certain maneuvers, but overall it was really good and I got a serious workout in after six hours of sailing for two days in a row! I wish I had more funds so I could pursue this a bit better, but it's tricky at the moment to balance things I'd like to pursue with the resources to actually do them.

Guitar lessons also fall into this category.

Then Sunday night I went west to see Heathrow and we spent Monday together- went to Windsor and went around and then his friend T launched his little fishing boat at Windsor and we hopped on board for a bit of a boat up and down the river there.

I feel in some ways I had a very grounding time with Heathrow in terms of where I see us at, and what potential I think there is. And in many ways it reiterated for me that Heathrow is not a forever prospect. I really enjoy time with Heathrow, and I like him, but he has a lot of development to do for lack of a better way of putting it. I see him struggle with himself and recognize completely that he is in no position to include others into his life- really. I know he likes me and cares about me, but that's just what it is. It's not hurtful- because it's not personal. Part of me wants to say we just aren't compatible in that way, but I think the reality is, Heathrow can't be compatible with anyone in that way right now in his life. That's okay. I am still enjoying our time together tremendously and I am not feeling paranoid about anything at the moment. This, as far as I'm concerned, is positive.

Of course it makes me a little bit sad as well, but until I feel that it's not satisfying me and I want something more, or something different, then that's okay. I will enjoy what we share to the fullest, for as long as we share it.

So I guess I should start doing the work I'm supposed to be doing today since I made a notation to myself that I started working at nine and it's now eleven and I've done fuck all about actual work stuff yet. Looks like it'll be a bit of a late night.