Writing it Down

So I am obviously preoccupied with this whole egg freezing thing.  It's the biggest thing going on in my life, other than that whole PhD malarkey.  At any rate, I don't really want to talk about the PhD.  You should never ask a PhD student how it's going.  It's always going slowly and badly.  And asking only stressed them out.  So the egg freezing is my big thing.

Obviously I'm writing on the egg freezing blog, so for details, go there.  But this space for me is more for the mulling personal stuff.  Following on from the last post about being a single mother, you know, things like, am I willing to just give up ever having an active sex life ever?

I find it all a bit ridiculous that of all the people in the world who don't care about sex, who aren't adventurous about sex, who don't even really want sex... why the hell am I the one not having any sex??  It's like the universe got it all wrong.  I should have been having TONS of sex.  I was meant to have sex!!  Certainly a lot more sex than I've actually ever had in life.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  Why is it continuing to happen?

At least I'm not stuck in the 'I'm a defective human' place that I existed in for a long time.  But now it's just annoying.  That life is unfair.  That the universe has a stupid sense of humor.  That I was meant for something I never got to have.

And yeah, I know there is 'still time' but my prime is gone.  My best years are certainly behind me in this regard.  I'm not saying it isn't possible, it might not yet happen, blah blah blah but it's not going to make up for all the years of draught.  And that's even if it does happen which to be honest, I am not particularly convinced about.

I met up with my ex, Heathrow, last night and he was all like 'Oh you just have to be open and put yourself out there' and I was like well fuck that because that's what I've BEEN doing and it's NOT working.  I go on dates.  I put myself out there.  Other than settling for someone I don't like, there is nothing else that I can be doing!  And I know that the first impulse is for people to say I must be too picky but I swear I am not picky.  I don't have a list.  I don't discount people for stupid reasons.  I tend to give people second or even third chances.  The truth is, I just have not met the right person.  Not anything even close to the right person.  And I don't see that changing.  The older I get, the worse off the men seem to get.  Or they're married.  When do they start getting divorced?  Maybe that's the one I need.

Ugh.  I just feel angry and annoyed and a bit sad really.

I'd like to think it's not the three days of hormones I've been shooting up making me all agitated.

Pah.