When You Know You Know

So I thought that Mr English was coming around tonight and we'd go get some dinner and fool around before he went home. Except I haven't heard from him. In fact I haven't heard from him at all since he left here on Sunday. I just sent him a text to see if I was mistaken- maybe he thought we were meeting tomorrow. But I know we said Wednesday. So it's Wednesday and he's not here and he's being all quiet.

I'm annoyed and this is why I know that things are not right between us. Actually I suppose there are many indications. Lets start with the fact that we haven't communicated at all since he left here. That's not really good is it? I mean, when you're dating someone, especially early on, should you not want to talk to them and be in touch with them? It's not that I had anything pressing to say to him that I didn't. I just had nothing to say to him so I didn't. And I sort of assume that's the same in reverse. Actually I don't feel good or bad about this, it's more just fact. It doesn't upset me that I haven't had anything to say to him, or him me, but objectively, I think it's not a promising sign.

And ultimately I'm still plagued by the thinking that we aren't long term lifestyle compatible. He wants a quiet country life and I want an urban one. He would be happy to stay in the Cambridge area forever, and I want to live in other countries again and may want to live in the States again at some point. He likes outdoor activities like serious hiking and I just don't. When he was here on Sunday I asked him why he hadn't dated one of his flatmates- a good friend of his who goes on these epic hiking trips and seems to share many lifestyle patterns. He said they did have a period of mad shagging but ultimately she didn't want kids so now they're just friends. So I do want kids and would love to be in a settled relationship, but all the rest of our stuff doesn't match up. It's like what would be best for him is my best qualities and her best qualities combined, but maybe neither one of us is quite right.

And of course I'm deflecting from my own reflection by thinking of him. What he wants. What would be best for him. I'm sort of avoiding being direct about myself. But it's sort of the same. I am intrigued that I have met a guy who really is ready to settle and commit but I can also see that it's not quite right. I want to live in a city. My career may mean that I move around until I'm really ready to settle. I don't want to be dependent on a car. I don't want to have a garden (at least, not a very big one). I can also see that if I was madly in love with someone, I would start to give up these things. I know I would. For someone I was head over heels for I would let myself and my desires start to dissolve. Not that it's a good thing- but it also shows me that while I very much like Mr English, I know I'm not in love with him. And I don't think he's in love with me. It's been over 4 months now really, if it were going to happen, I think it would have.

So I know. I know that I know. But I feel awful about it. Because in many ways I'm incredibly fond of Mr English. I don't really want this to be the case- that it's 'not right'. Yet it seems so very clear that it's so. I don't know how to have the conversation with him because when I see him we have a good time and it's fun and nice so it seems contrary to just bring up something unpleasant.

I'm sure that this is going to resolve itself. There isn't any reason for me to stress and worry and angst over it. But I do. It's just how I am I guess.

As yet another objective side note, in the whole time I've been working on this post, he's still not texted back. That's very odd, isn't it? Sometimes I think I should avoid relationships all together. They're too much bloody hassle.