Procrastination

So today is Wednesday. Yesterday when I was out in the evening meeting up with some people I got very confused about what day of the week it was. In fact, I had no idea. This is how this back and forth madness is muddling my mind. When I was told it was actually only Tuesday I failed to grasp it for a moment or two, before everything clicked back into place.

Of course time has little meaning when you are not expected anywhere or at any particular time. The schedules I have set up for myself are exactly that- schedules I have set up for myself. I could just go do whatever, whenever and wherever I chose and it would probably take some time before anyone came asking after me. And if I proved that I was managing to stay on top of things and progress, then I'm pretty sure I'd be left to get on with things.

Of course that doesn't work for me at all. I am someone who works much better with schedules and deadlines and structure. So I have created some of my own, although I will be the first to admit I am procrastinating in a somewhat exceptional way. This is probably because I have no immediately pressing deadlines. Or rather, I have one, but I have written a second draft of what is needed for that and am awaiting comments. Actually that's true in the case of two different deadlines. So I am waiting. And while I wait, I procrastinate.

I suppose I could be getting into my next phase of work which is an awfully large chunk of research. It's such a large chunk that it's actually a bit overwhelming and I have not quite determined the best way to attack the beast. But I am thinking about it. I will say this is one of the more confusing aspects to how I work. I think about things a lot while I appear to be dilly dallying, but when I sit down to do the work, I have a much better idea of exactly what I want to do. Part of me feels like this is a bit of an excuse, and part of me feels like this is a valid method. It's probably a bit of both.

Needless to say, I have poked and prodded the beast and looked up a couple of things here and there but have not yet committed to the charge. But it's coming. Soon. So I am not worried.

In the meantime...

Boys are terribly confusing. In fact, I'm tempted to go back to an earlier musing that boys are stupid and should have rocks thrown at them. Regardless, I just despise pretty much everything about dating and dislike being reminded of this whilst in the middle of some sort of dating thing. I can't stand the game playing and the uncertainty. I hate the mixed messages and the mental gymnastics of trying to understand what someone else means when the reality is you just don't know them well enough to know what they mean and that's part of the problem.

I've had four dates with L. The most recent date, this past weekend was a study in the above. I was certain up until I was shown to be wrong that I was being stood up. The main reason for this is that L seems to be poor at communicating. Now. Is he poor at communicating because he's not interested or is he poor at communicating because that's just part of who he is or is it something else? See, I don't know. And I certainly don't know him well enough to trust him, so when I send both text and email for a confirmation of 'are we meeting up' and get nothing back, I have no reason not to assume that I'm being stood up.

And even if I wasn't stood up, is this good behavior? I think it's not. It shows a decisive lack of something. Lets say, a lack of eagerness. And that sucks. Because in the interim time between finally getting a text off him and meeting up, my relief and not being stood up had overtaken my irritation and we had a really lovely evening which involved good conversation, fooling around, and sex. But that was Saturday night. And it's now Wednesday and I've not heard a peep out of him. So I'm again thrown back to confusion and suspicion. S says that I should wait for him to get in touch with me, that at this stage a boy should be showing interest through, you know, showing interest.

But I hate this. I'm already waiting for things in my work life, do I have to sit around waiting for things in my personal life as well? I'm not really good at waiting. I'm impatient and impulsive and have known to even be demanding. This waiting business does not suit me.

So instead I just get irritable about it. Because truth be told, I sort of like this boy L. I know, I try to keep these things emotionally squelched for obvious reasons, but he's someone I actually really just like. I can see him as someone who could be a good friend, good fun, and it doesn't hurt in the slightest that he's tactile and good in bed. But aside from the last bit, it's the personality elements that do it for me. So I suppose it sucks all the more if I think he's blowing me off.

But I don't know if he's blowing me off....

Argh. Boys are stupid and should have rocks thrown at them.

In other unrelated news, while sleeping two nights ago, I punched the wall. I punched the wall so hard that I now have scabbed knuckles. Of course this woke me up and it hurt. I have no idea why this happened. I think I sort of half woke up as I was doing it. Who does this sort of thing?? I know I move around in bed, and I've been known to kick (and punch) people before, but punching walls, now that's just silly. Although my scabbed knuckles do nothing but amuse me. I know, I'm weird.

Three hours left to my self imposed schedule before I can cycle in the rain to catch the train back to London. Maybe I should attempt to do some work.