Randomings

I can't think of a main topic that I want to talk about, so I'm just going to ramble here and see what comes of it. I find that things are in a somewhat strange place at the moment. I'm not happy nor unhappy. I'm not overly active or overly bored. Everything seems to be in some sort of stasis. I feel as though things are quiet. Though they are not necessarily quiet at all, it's the overwhelming sense that I have of my life at the moment.

A good part of things right now is about waiting. Or maybe it's about endings. Or perhaps new beginnings. Or all of the above. I have been working back at my old office on an hourly basis for what amounts to about four days of work per week. This has been really good in terms of my solvency as well as being busy. But it's a bit strange all the time, to feel a bit like a ghost in a place I once was and place I no longer 100% belong to anymore. After all, I'm not a real employee, I don't have the same issues as other people. I could also be asked to leave on a moments notice. There's certainly no security, though we are busy, so I'm not really afraid it will end tomorrow, it's more the feeling that comes with the possibility more than anything else.

And of course, while this feels in many ways like something that could just be indefinite, it is in fact, not indefinite at all, because in January, I have another plan and another direction that should be starting. I was offered a PhD studentship at Cambridge. But the issue is, I was offered it through the department that secured the funding, but I haven't been officially made an offer by the university yet. In order for that to happen I had to apply, formally, which meant I had to get transcripts and references and I have only been able to complete that this week. It's all moving forward now, and there is no reason whatsoever that I should not be given a proper place, but there's this nagging doubt that it could all still go wrong as long as I don't have anything in writing. So I've been rather reluctant to talk about this too much. Still, it will mean a massive change in my whole way of life. In what I do every day, in how I think about who I am and what I'm doing, about what becomes important to me, about how I structure things. I can't begin to wrap my head around it yet, I feel I need to approach it one step at a time. So perhaps this also part of the reason I am not dwelling on things too much. First, let me get accepted and I'll take it from there.

Things with Heathrow are perhaps dwindling. Or perhaps not. It still doesn't stress me out. It's difficult to always be away every weekend. Sometimes I have things I need to do and I simply can't be away. And he doesn't come to mine and so that means I just don't see him. He came around last weekend because I made a dinner for a group of kinky friends, and that was cool. But he didn't spend the night, so while I saw him, we didn't get any intimate time together. It seems this upcoming weekend something similar will happen in that I will likely see him on Sunday at a kinky party I've been invited to, but Saturday night I've got plans in the city and he won't come to that probably, so again, the weekend passes and we don't get any alone time together. So then it's the following weekend I guess. Who knows? Part of me is sad that he doesn't seem to have the drive to want to see me more. Part of me isn't that bothered because if he isn't willing to join in my things, I simply have other things I have to do. Heathrow will always be a friend of mine. I just don't know how much longer he'll be an intimate friend of mine. Though until anything else comes along (another thing to think about when starting up at Cambridge and all the opportunities that might present) I'm satisfied with how things are. In fact, more than that, I truly am thankful for the experiences that Heathrow has brought to my life.

Friend-wise, I perhaps feel a little bit alone. Between friends moving away and friends having crisis and friends finding partners and friends going mental, I feel isolated from my usual group of social connections or maybe just distanced is a better word. The problem is, even when I have contact with my friends I find that I have to make an effort to find things to talk about. My life to me at the moment seems alternately self indulgent and incredibly boring. I don't feel like I have much to offer my friends just now which tends to make me withdraw. Given that for many reasons different friends are withdrawing anyway, this isn't the best approach. Or maybe it's just an example of the parroting I talked about in the last post. Very hard to tell.

Okay. Enough maudlin for now. Maybe I've gotten enough of my chest for the moment that I can actually return to posting about more amusing things. I promise, there are actually amusing things in my life, I just haven't felt motivated to write about them. Maybe for the next post, I'll start with the whip.