Well, we have all just heard from the office that they are going to keep us all for the time being, though one of us is likely to have to stop working in urban design and more into architecture for a few months. Which is fine of course. Although this entire thing has just been a small and apparently needless emotional roller coaster. I think it's probably because in between the time they made the decision to can one of us to now, the office got a pretty big deal (and big money) project that would help 'float' one of us. So I'm fairly sure that's what turned the tide and I'm not complaining. Seeing as how I'm already picking up work for some other people around the office, I feel somewhat sure that this person who will be moved off is me, but that's okay. I don't mind varied work while I'm holding on to my job. And a change can be good every now and then as long as it's not permanent. So now I can focus on getting my dual citizenship sorted and quit worrying every day if I'm going to have a job tomorrow. Phew.
30 July 2008
29 July 2008
Still Waiting
No news from work. This is annoying.
No news from Mr.Aloof. This is a good thing.
Not much else to say at the moment. Just living life and all that.
No news from Mr.Aloof. This is a good thing.
Not much else to say at the moment. Just living life and all that.
27 July 2008
Calm and Hot
Well, I did it. I sent an email to Mr.Aloof. But it was well crafted and appropriate. Not overly emotional, and reiterated that this is not the time for us to be in contact with one another (though I thanked him for his belated apologetic realizations). I don't feel disturbed by this. It didn't hurt me. I did shed a tear or two while working through it, but I mean literally one tear or two- which was fine. It passed. And I don't feel much of anything for having sent what I sent. That has to be a good thing.
In other news, it's hot. Too hot. Certainly to hot to have a hot computer sitting on me, so this is going to be short and I may even turn the computer off this evening. I think I've done enough damage for the day.
There was no rope work to be this weekend. That made me very sad. I really would like to have this come about. So fingers crossed that it will, and it was really just this weekend that didn't work out so well. But maybe that's okay. Because it's hot.
I've been reading loads. Not sure why this has come about but I've been gaga for books lately. Have ordered many off amazon and am devouring them just as fast. I love reading. Especially laying down in front of the fan. When it's hot.
I need to go cook some dinner. I have far too many vegetables in the fridge now- but I have people coming for dinner on both Monday and Thursday. So I need to think up ways to use the vegetables I have instead of buying more which was certainly not the point. Still, I need specific vegetables for specific dishes. Or to go with the ones I already have. Tricky.
Tomorrow I may find out if I have been made redundant. Then again, I may not. It's all rather confusing. But just like last week, I feel like I'd really just like to know. On the other hand, every week they put it off is that much closer to the time when I can apply for dual citizenship. So it's not all bad. Unless of course they tell us tomorrow and it's me. But I'll live.
Even though it's hot.
In other news, it's hot. Too hot. Certainly to hot to have a hot computer sitting on me, so this is going to be short and I may even turn the computer off this evening. I think I've done enough damage for the day.
There was no rope work to be this weekend. That made me very sad. I really would like to have this come about. So fingers crossed that it will, and it was really just this weekend that didn't work out so well. But maybe that's okay. Because it's hot.
I've been reading loads. Not sure why this has come about but I've been gaga for books lately. Have ordered many off amazon and am devouring them just as fast. I love reading. Especially laying down in front of the fan. When it's hot.
I need to go cook some dinner. I have far too many vegetables in the fridge now- but I have people coming for dinner on both Monday and Thursday. So I need to think up ways to use the vegetables I have instead of buying more which was certainly not the point. Still, I need specific vegetables for specific dishes. Or to go with the ones I already have. Tricky.
Tomorrow I may find out if I have been made redundant. Then again, I may not. It's all rather confusing. But just like last week, I feel like I'd really just like to know. On the other hand, every week they put it off is that much closer to the time when I can apply for dual citizenship. So it's not all bad. Unless of course they tell us tomorrow and it's me. But I'll live.
Even though it's hot.
25 July 2008
Foreshadowing
Okay, what the fuck. Seriously what the fuck fuck fuck?? I know I made a mistake this morning. All day I've been in a fucking funk because I let this thing get to me. Because I felt myself slipping and missing and hurting and being sad. Still, was that not enough?
I mean, someone explain to me, why today, I checked his profile when I didn't have to, when I shouldn't have. That it affected me, when I didn't want it to, when I wasn't prepared. That all day I've been dealing with that. So why then, why why why is today the day he decides to send me an email?
What I did was tremendous and huge and it took everything out of me while utterly breaking me in the process. Did I say that I thought I was making progress? That I thought things were improving? God help me but I am not strong enough to not send something back. I've already drafted it but I've had the sense to keep myself from sending it straight away.
Still, I know that I will send it by the end of the weekend. Why do I have to keep being the one who has to keep being the bad guy? Why do I keep having to get the shitty burden? Why am I so entangled with this person who has treated me so badly? Why do I keep holding out hope that all this time hasn't been in vain when it so obviously fucking was?
Fucking fuck fuck.
Rant over.
I mean, someone explain to me, why today, I checked his profile when I didn't have to, when I shouldn't have. That it affected me, when I didn't want it to, when I wasn't prepared. That all day I've been dealing with that. So why then, why why why is today the day he decides to send me an email?
What I did was tremendous and huge and it took everything out of me while utterly breaking me in the process. Did I say that I thought I was making progress? That I thought things were improving? God help me but I am not strong enough to not send something back. I've already drafted it but I've had the sense to keep myself from sending it straight away.
Still, I know that I will send it by the end of the weekend. Why do I have to keep being the one who has to keep being the bad guy? Why do I keep having to get the shitty burden? Why am I so entangled with this person who has treated me so badly? Why do I keep holding out hope that all this time hasn't been in vain when it so obviously fucking was?
Fucking fuck fuck.
Rant over.
Hot Sweaty Basements
I have more than one thing to say today, but I thought I'd put different thoughts under different headers. The last post was a bit introspective and purely based on this mornings foolish activities. But life is not the moment of my morning, as I keep saying, there are other good things going on as well.
Woo has given me a link which means I have a bunch of new visitors (most of whom will find me terribly boring and not linger) which is cool. She was referring to our outing for comedy last night which was, no pun intended, a good laugh. Out of the seven acts, only one was truly dreadful which is actually good statistics for an inexpensive comedy night. The basement was far too hot which was a shame as by the final act, I really wanted to concentrate more, but I was thinking I was going to expire perhaps in the heat. I am after all, a cold weather bunny. This warm weather makes my skin itch, to say nothing of hot sweaty basements.
Earlier in the evening, I almost missed Louche upon entry seeing as how he looked so entirely different from the last time I saw him, which was only a month ago. It's not at all a bad look however, though possibly less distinctive. Still, stealth has its benefits, make no mistake.
And there was Pimms. Did I say I dislike hot weather? Well stick me in a bathtub full of Pimms and I'm sure we can work something out.
My evening was actually slightly blurry, although I only had one drink. I think it was the heat, the oddity I find sometimes, of mixing friends, and that this week has been a complete wash given the work limbo I'm in. Still, it was a lot of fun, and I look forward to my new adventures in life, expanding my friend circle, and getting out there in the world. Life is there for living (though not, as we learned last night, in the living room).
Woo has given me a link which means I have a bunch of new visitors (most of whom will find me terribly boring and not linger) which is cool. She was referring to our outing for comedy last night which was, no pun intended, a good laugh. Out of the seven acts, only one was truly dreadful which is actually good statistics for an inexpensive comedy night. The basement was far too hot which was a shame as by the final act, I really wanted to concentrate more, but I was thinking I was going to expire perhaps in the heat. I am after all, a cold weather bunny. This warm weather makes my skin itch, to say nothing of hot sweaty basements.
Earlier in the evening, I almost missed Louche upon entry seeing as how he looked so entirely different from the last time I saw him, which was only a month ago. It's not at all a bad look however, though possibly less distinctive. Still, stealth has its benefits, make no mistake.
And there was Pimms. Did I say I dislike hot weather? Well stick me in a bathtub full of Pimms and I'm sure we can work something out.
My evening was actually slightly blurry, although I only had one drink. I think it was the heat, the oddity I find sometimes, of mixing friends, and that this week has been a complete wash given the work limbo I'm in. Still, it was a lot of fun, and I look forward to my new adventures in life, expanding my friend circle, and getting out there in the world. Life is there for living (though not, as we learned last night, in the living room).
Heal Thyself
It is always so much easier to see issues in other people's lives. It is easy to discern what they should or shouldn't do, without the weight of emotional baggage or sense of risk, or loss that the individual feels. Or, as the case may be, we ourselves feel in our own life woes.
I have been making small progress on the Mr.Aloof front in the sense that I am trying to think about it less, and put it in perspective and stop building him up to be something that he wasn't (and isn't). But it's hard. And it doesn't happen overnight. It takes me a long time to get over something like that- past experience says about 6 to 9 months before I don't think about it that much or 'care' anymore.
It hasn't even been two months yet. I should cut myself a little bit of slack. Better than that, I should be proud that I am, in fact, letting go of things. My thoughts aren't as frequent, I haven't shed tears for some time. But just as I was luring myself into a false sense of security, I revealed my Achilles heel and find I need to strengthen the reinforcements.
Earlier I was saying how I was going to stop checking profiles so frequently (his, the maid's, etc). I'm not up to once a week yet, but I was doing well at once every two to three days. And in the time that I wasn't checking, I was recognizing that it didn't matter to me, that I was better off not knowing, and that I felt better about it in general. This was all good.
This morning however, I checked. And there was a change. An ever so minor change, but significant, to me, and therefor, damaging. Basically, Mr.Aloof, who I have already noted has gone back to using his original profile (the joint one which was hidden from me under L's stats has gone blank and dead this past month), his profile has always been blank. Once, a year and a half ago, it was not blank, it had a network. That was a bad episode (which is only one of the many incidents that proves this recent decision was the best thing I could have done). But it was removed eventually, and the profile has since been blank (though I can see when he logs in by checking on it- this was what I was going to cut back on). Anyway. This morning it had a new title, which means it's listed (a change) and a profile that was all of one sentence (a change) which it's never had before. The former said, "I have finally found my true self...." and the later said, "After two years of my own journey I feel it is time to say something here.".
It's nothing right? So why then did my heart race, mild panic set in, and my hand would not stop trembling? In fact my entire body trembled slightly as though any breeze could knock me over. And I realized two things. First, that I am not anywhere close to being free of the power over me I gave to this person. Which is disheartening in some respects, but since we have no contact (other that my snooping) it is in my power to control how much I allow it to affect me (though I suppose he could always send me an email out of no where, but I don't see that happening- at least not any time soon). And second, that it's true what I mused on before, contact with someone you have feelings for, even if that contact is barely on the register of what someone would call 'contact' is the worst thing you can have when trying to change your feelings. If he starts posting? If suddenly there is more... information for me to read, to be in touch with, or to absorb? I am going to have a problem. Because I fear that I will never be free.
So I need to increase my ability to 'stop checking'. Every time I see how it affects me, I can use that to my advantage, to show me how unhealthy, how one sided, and how destructive this relationship has been for me. Still, I have to suffer in that moment, of wondering what it means, wondering if he thinks of me, wondering what's going on with him, of having him in the focus of my thoughts and knowing in my heart that I am not in his. And it hurts and it's painful and I don't really want to accept it but I must.
At any rate, it's only been two months. If I still feel like this in four, I'll be worried. Really, I think this is normal for me at this stage. So while I'm not concerned, I am wary. I am not healed yet, even though I am arguably making good progress. Whatever he says, whatever he thinks, he hasn't changed because he hasn't invested in changing. And he was bad to me. That's all I need to know.
I have been making small progress on the Mr.Aloof front in the sense that I am trying to think about it less, and put it in perspective and stop building him up to be something that he wasn't (and isn't). But it's hard. And it doesn't happen overnight. It takes me a long time to get over something like that- past experience says about 6 to 9 months before I don't think about it that much or 'care' anymore.
It hasn't even been two months yet. I should cut myself a little bit of slack. Better than that, I should be proud that I am, in fact, letting go of things. My thoughts aren't as frequent, I haven't shed tears for some time. But just as I was luring myself into a false sense of security, I revealed my Achilles heel and find I need to strengthen the reinforcements.
Earlier I was saying how I was going to stop checking profiles so frequently (his, the maid's, etc). I'm not up to once a week yet, but I was doing well at once every two to three days. And in the time that I wasn't checking, I was recognizing that it didn't matter to me, that I was better off not knowing, and that I felt better about it in general. This was all good.
This morning however, I checked. And there was a change. An ever so minor change, but significant, to me, and therefor, damaging. Basically, Mr.Aloof, who I have already noted has gone back to using his original profile (the joint one which was hidden from me under L's stats has gone blank and dead this past month), his profile has always been blank. Once, a year and a half ago, it was not blank, it had a network. That was a bad episode (which is only one of the many incidents that proves this recent decision was the best thing I could have done). But it was removed eventually, and the profile has since been blank (though I can see when he logs in by checking on it- this was what I was going to cut back on). Anyway. This morning it had a new title, which means it's listed (a change) and a profile that was all of one sentence (a change) which it's never had before. The former said, "I have finally found my true self...." and the later said, "After two years of my own journey I feel it is time to say something here.".
It's nothing right? So why then did my heart race, mild panic set in, and my hand would not stop trembling? In fact my entire body trembled slightly as though any breeze could knock me over. And I realized two things. First, that I am not anywhere close to being free of the power over me I gave to this person. Which is disheartening in some respects, but since we have no contact (other that my snooping) it is in my power to control how much I allow it to affect me (though I suppose he could always send me an email out of no where, but I don't see that happening- at least not any time soon). And second, that it's true what I mused on before, contact with someone you have feelings for, even if that contact is barely on the register of what someone would call 'contact' is the worst thing you can have when trying to change your feelings. If he starts posting? If suddenly there is more... information for me to read, to be in touch with, or to absorb? I am going to have a problem. Because I fear that I will never be free.
So I need to increase my ability to 'stop checking'. Every time I see how it affects me, I can use that to my advantage, to show me how unhealthy, how one sided, and how destructive this relationship has been for me. Still, I have to suffer in that moment, of wondering what it means, wondering if he thinks of me, wondering what's going on with him, of having him in the focus of my thoughts and knowing in my heart that I am not in his. And it hurts and it's painful and I don't really want to accept it but I must.
At any rate, it's only been two months. If I still feel like this in four, I'll be worried. Really, I think this is normal for me at this stage. So while I'm not concerned, I am wary. I am not healed yet, even though I am arguably making good progress. Whatever he says, whatever he thinks, he hasn't changed because he hasn't invested in changing. And he was bad to me. That's all I need to know.
23 July 2008
Stuff of the Moment
I just ate a lot of potatoes. See, last week I started on this organic box scheme thing to try and increase my fruit and vegetable intake. So far so good, and I have eaten many of the vegetables and fruit I got last week, but I didn't finish all of it and I just picked up my new stuff for this week. So I felt the need to try to eat what was left from last week which included a bunch of potatoes. They were very good, but really far too many- I turned them into sort of mashed and stuck the leftovers in the fridge. When I'm going to eat all the new fruits and vegetables is a very good question, but I'm going to try. I guess my plan is working- it really is encouraging me to eat more produce.
I got to pick up the stuff tonight because softball was canceled. Not enough players. That was disappointing. On the other hand, I was actually really busy at work so I wasn't that upset about not having to rush off to that on top of working hard. Tomorrow I will also be working hard. Which I guess is alright, but with the threat of being made redundant hanging over my head, it feels a bit like hoop jumping. I don't like working this hard if they're just about to shove it back in my face.
Speaking of which, we aren't going to find out now until next week. Isn't that nice. The Director in charge of HR casually mentioned to me that she was going on holiday tomorrow which suggested they should either let us know today, or something was up. So all three of us sent a joint email asking for a time frame at which point she came to meet with us and said they now want to wait until our boss P is back to discuss things with him. This is very not cool as far as I'm concerned. It's extremely bad management to let three people twist in the wind while they can't quite figure it out. And you know, they know who the 'one' is, so they could at least let that one person know and let the other people off the hook- even if what they let them know is that nothing is definite and they really don't want to lose them. But letting three people suffer is not right.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to go to this comedy night thing. Though the new message says it might be crowded. Unfair! Some of us have to come straight from work. It's not like 'getting there early' is really a possibility. Boo hiss.
In keeping with my trying to balance fun with despair, I've also made a new contact on IC with the hopes of being a rope bunny for a bit. It's something I've been thinking about for a while- a non-sexual interaction which allows me to indulge some of my kinky pleasures. So contact has been good so far, and this person is really good with the rope- which is exciting. I'm sure everyone (who does) has their own individual reasons for looking into such things. I recognize that part of my thinking down this route was that I wanted to replace the memories I have of Mr.Aloof and his rope work. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Mr.Aloof was really fucking good at putting scenarios together. This was good, because it meant I got to experience things that were truly magical and fulfilling. But it's bad because he was otherwise such a complete ass to me, and now I worry that I will never find such fulfillment with anyone else.
So back to the rope, the thing is, he was pretty damn good with the rope. And I don't want for all of my fantasies or thoughts to linger back to my time with him because it was the best that I've experienced. So I am thinking of using this opportunity to replace old thoughts and sensations with new ones. It's guaranteed non-sexual which appeals to me quite a bit. It's safe but rewarding, hopefully mutually rewarding. But I'm not going to say too much more on it because it reminds me just a little bit of when I offered to let Siege photograph me, and he agreed to, and I was so very excited about the prospect, but it never came to be. I don't want this to be the same, so no more until it happens, but then if it's worth it, I'll record it here.
Last item of note is that I went swimming Tuesday morning. That was pretty cool as I haven't gone swimming for ages. But my arms and shoulders have hurt for two days. I guess this means I should do more swimming!
I got to pick up the stuff tonight because softball was canceled. Not enough players. That was disappointing. On the other hand, I was actually really busy at work so I wasn't that upset about not having to rush off to that on top of working hard. Tomorrow I will also be working hard. Which I guess is alright, but with the threat of being made redundant hanging over my head, it feels a bit like hoop jumping. I don't like working this hard if they're just about to shove it back in my face.
Speaking of which, we aren't going to find out now until next week. Isn't that nice. The Director in charge of HR casually mentioned to me that she was going on holiday tomorrow which suggested they should either let us know today, or something was up. So all three of us sent a joint email asking for a time frame at which point she came to meet with us and said they now want to wait until our boss P is back to discuss things with him. This is very not cool as far as I'm concerned. It's extremely bad management to let three people twist in the wind while they can't quite figure it out. And you know, they know who the 'one' is, so they could at least let that one person know and let the other people off the hook- even if what they let them know is that nothing is definite and they really don't want to lose them. But letting three people suffer is not right.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to go to this comedy night thing. Though the new message says it might be crowded. Unfair! Some of us have to come straight from work. It's not like 'getting there early' is really a possibility. Boo hiss.
In keeping with my trying to balance fun with despair, I've also made a new contact on IC with the hopes of being a rope bunny for a bit. It's something I've been thinking about for a while- a non-sexual interaction which allows me to indulge some of my kinky pleasures. So contact has been good so far, and this person is really good with the rope- which is exciting. I'm sure everyone (who does) has their own individual reasons for looking into such things. I recognize that part of my thinking down this route was that I wanted to replace the memories I have of Mr.Aloof and his rope work. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Mr.Aloof was really fucking good at putting scenarios together. This was good, because it meant I got to experience things that were truly magical and fulfilling. But it's bad because he was otherwise such a complete ass to me, and now I worry that I will never find such fulfillment with anyone else.
So back to the rope, the thing is, he was pretty damn good with the rope. And I don't want for all of my fantasies or thoughts to linger back to my time with him because it was the best that I've experienced. So I am thinking of using this opportunity to replace old thoughts and sensations with new ones. It's guaranteed non-sexual which appeals to me quite a bit. It's safe but rewarding, hopefully mutually rewarding. But I'm not going to say too much more on it because it reminds me just a little bit of when I offered to let Siege photograph me, and he agreed to, and I was so very excited about the prospect, but it never came to be. I don't want this to be the same, so no more until it happens, but then if it's worth it, I'll record it here.
Last item of note is that I went swimming Tuesday morning. That was pretty cool as I haven't gone swimming for ages. But my arms and shoulders have hurt for two days. I guess this means I should do more swimming!
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