Holding Steady

Why not keep with the current theme?  So today I'm lounging about in my pajamas.  I need to get my shit together and go up to Cambridge.  The weather hasn't been ideal so I'm not looking forward to going out on my bike in the cold and rain.  I yet to find a suitable pair of waterproof pants that go over existing pants.  By the time I get the right size to fit over my ass, they are way too long and not the easiest things in the world to shorten.  Ho hum.

Last night was dinner club at my house which was good fun.  We did Greek and so my fridge is now full of yummy leftovers.  Although I need to figure out what I'm doing with most of it before going away for the week.

So I'm not feeling quite as down as I was before.  Still not great, but not as low.  As usual, the main issue that bogs me down is the relationship thing.  While I think I'm much better than I was in the past about how I look at these things, it hasn't panned out that I've happened to get a relationship in all this time (that's lasted).  I was a little bit annoyed earlier this week when a friend of mine said something to me about how I was focused on my career, or have been focused on my career and that I didn't really have time for a relationship.  I believe she said this to me in order to make me feel better, but it didn't really.  Because I will always have 'a career' and I don't think having one prohibits you from having a relationship.  As for time- I manage to make time to see friends (like her) and others.  And while I'm not in the same city every week, I could certainly manage to fit someone in if they were worth it.  On top of which, I may be focused on my career- but what else do I have to be focused on?  I go on dating sites, I contact people.  I go on dates (when they ever write me first or write me back).  So what should I be doing instead in all this time?  I'm doing the right things, and it still hasn't happened for me.  I don't like it, but I also don't need to feel as though it's my fault.  It's not anyone's 'fault', it's just unfortunate.  And no, I don't like it.  But so what.  Life's not fair you know.

Anyway.  Who knows what will happen in the future.  I can only live each day as it comes and try to make the best out of the things within my control and spend less time worrying about the things outside of my control.  I'm not happy about my relationship status or situation.  But I am doing what I can do and if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.  Life's not fair.  That's all I can tell myself.  Not blame myself.  I spent far too many years doing that.