Intensity

This is what has been on my mind.  It may have pushed me to reaching out to the girl.  It is possible that these thoughts were stirred by her words, because they validate in some ways what I felt, though her experience and way of processing things was and probably is very different to mine.

Although I have beyond zero interest in ever remotely even considering anything further with Mr.Aloof, when I look at old emails, I notice something about myself.  In part, I suppose that I was crazy to put up with the dribbles that he sent me.  But more the intensity that I had when reaching out to him.  The intensity that he, for better or for worse, inspired within me.

It took me a long time to identify it as love.  And then even longer to think that it was something else entirely.

The thing is, although I have dated since Mr.Aloof, and that includes two reasonably timed relationships, one with Heathrow and another with Mr.English, as well as the dalliances with the Git, the Economist, and the Jackrabbit, I have not felt anything close to that intensity for anyone since.  I have also not been in love with anyone since.  I realize these two thoughts are not necessarily linked, but you can see why I might feel inclined to lump them together.

I partner this with a conversation I had recently with some people from my research center where we were talking about our Meyers Briggs and a colleague expressed surprise that I am INTJ.  In particular she thought the 'I' should be an 'E' and I assured here that of all of them, that was probably the most stable and then another colleague piped up that, yes, although you may know me, how much do you really know about me?  Suggesting that although I am social and engaging I am actually somewhat secretive.

Now this is sort of funny because one of the last things I consider myself to be is somewhat secretive.  But I do tend not to blurt out stuff about myself to groups.  Most of my relationships are one to one (hence the 'I') or in smaller intimate groups.  Then I started thinking about this further.  Am I so difficult to get to know?  Am I so unfriendly or uninviting?  And then, because I'm a silly girl, if I'm that hard to get to know, then clearly I'm never going to find a boyfriend.

What was it about Mr.Aloof that encouraged me to open up to him?  Not his reciprocal nature, that's for sure.  I believe in part, it had to do with the total intensity of the brief times we shared together.  When you feel like you really transcend experience with someone and that they are there with you on some other plane of reality, then I suppose it's fairly easy to talk about everything else.  Although, I remember being reticent to tell him how I felt sometimes because I feared it would drive him away.

So even those memories aren't quite right. 

I can't entirely capture what I want to say about this.  Although Mr.Aloof was a complete and utter bastard, we shared something that was incredibly powerful.  It was probably not love, but it was something, and it marked me.  Now, I date new people.  I try to balance not having someone be a total dick to me but still wanting to experience some of those thrills and highs that I had with him.  Primarily founded in my sexual proclivities.  I have not found anyone like this at all.

This young girl by the way, she has.  She took a different path, but then, she's a very different person.  And much younger than me.  I was never like her, even when I was her age.  I think it will be interesting to meet her, and while it will be useful in some ways, it will cause me much to think about introspectively in others.  Because I read her blog, and part of me doesn't believe entirely in what she has anymore.  Not that I don't believe that she has it, but I see what she has, and I don't want that either.

I fear what I want doesn't exist sometimes.  And I fear that I will never -feel- again, and to the depth for another human being that I have now experienced.  I am probably wrong in this.  But until life shows me otherwise, then what have I got?