Today has not been a good day. My birthday on Tuesday, was fabulous. Really, it might have been the best birthday I ever had. I had over 20 people come and celebrate with me. I felt loved and special and happy. This week has also been pretty good. My cousin was visiting me from Chicago. He's 18 and just about to start college. We went around doing tourist type things and got to know each other better as adults. I also let him in on a few family secrets. Not on purpose- it just didn't occur to me that he didn't know these things. Oops. But it was lovely. Lovely and fun.
Today however, has been awful. I got into a heated debate with A, the other PhD student. Occasionally he and I end up in these arguments that are really awful. We haven't had one for a while. It may have even been better that it was by email instead of in person. In person these things have had the tendency to drag on for hours of circuitous repetition. Email was more sharp, but also more to the point. The last time we had one of these arguments I came to the conclusion that the only reason we have them is because we are trying to decide something that is not our job to decide. This time was no different.
See, A and I are the only people working with our industrial partner under AC. AC is the Research Manager. That is her job. She took over this job from the previous research manager who didn't do all that good a job at building a dialogue with the client. He did an excellent job on the research however. AC has been very much the opposite. She's spent all her energy networking but really is not very involved in the actual research. The project really needs someone who is more balanced.
So today the argument fell into the pattern of all the past arguments. A and I did not agree. He tries to convince me he's right, I try to convince him I'm right. And then... the argument just grows circular. We both tend to dig in. There isn't going to be a resolution when you really don't agree with the other person. And, although I think that I'm right, I can see that in the wacky world of research and academia, we could both be right, it really just depends on the research direction. And, critically, on the Research Managers decision. Which we never have. Because AC is never around or available and even when she is, she's very much 'hand's off' the research. And in times like these, it is particularly unhelpful.
So today has been a shitty day. I got angry and said some snippy things. I didn't use profanity but I was aggressive. I also note that if I was a guy, it wouldn't be nearly so heinous to be aggressive, but because I'm a woman- oh no. Can't do that. Aggressive just means bitchy. So I'm doubly angry. Angry about the whole argument, and angry that I'm probably going to come out looking bad. Fuck it. I was never meant to be a politician. I do know that this level of tact is beyond me. I just get too angry, too frustrated, and too wound up. I'm not interested in sitting back while someone continues to attack me. I'm perfectly fine standing up for myself, even though I realize this often backfires in outward appearance.
So now I'm just incredibly stressed. This argument means that work on the research paper that is due in early November has ground to a halt. I can't possibly even think about working on it until mid October. It's unclear if A is going to work on it any more at all. This will now necessitate further meetings with the entire team in order to talk about what we are going to do. Part of this will require us to bring AC up to speed- if she can even be bothered to get that involved, because we will be unable to make a decision without her. All of this takes time I don't fucking have right now. I'm stressed enough as it is.
I'm about to go on holiday tomorrow for a week. I can barely stand the thought- because I know that things will be going on this week and I need to be available. And I am not going to be available. I've checked with H that I can use her phone in order to check my email once a day. It was that or go buy an internet dongle and bring my computer with me. I'd like to avoid that. I'd like a week without my computer. But I have so much work to do.
Tomorrow I'm going to try and do some of it. The stuff that I intended to do today except that I ended up spending hours arguing with A over email instead. I thought I was getting on top of everything I needed to do and now I feel very much behind. So fucking stressed. I really hope I can relax at least a little bit next week. I really need it.
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