Universal Answers on a Postcard

So I've been seeing this guy... lets call him... Mr.English for now. Our first date was before I went to the States, and then we had a month apart. He's based in Cambridge, I'm really based in London. We slept together on the 4th date. We've so far had 6.

I'm not gonna write you a love song

We get along pretty well. We don't seem to run out of conversation. This is what attracted me to him as an idea, even before we met. We exchanged long and stimulating email. So many guys don't. I found that in person, our ability to continue to talk about nothing in particular seemed to hold true. A good sign.

'cause you asked for it

But there are other signs that are less good. And I don't know what to think. I don't know at all what to think. Most of the time I try not to think about it at all because I don't think I have the answer yet. What I'm trying to do is give myself some time. Time with him in the hopes that what is unclear will become clear.

'cause you need one, you see

So in his favor I have... conversation and interest. He seems to take me in stride and is not intimidated. He can be funny. He's generous. He doesn't seem damaged and instead seems to be someone who wants to be in, and is ready for, a proper relationship.

I'm not gonna write you a love song

Not in his favor I have... the fact that he lives in a suburb of Cambridge and thinks this is a good thing. That he is broody (not that I ever needed this instruction, but I can see why men find this unattractive in women). He may not share my kink interests, and while he is fun in bed and by far not the worst, he is also not the best for me in this regard. And finally, while we talk endlessly about nothing, our ability to talk about important things seems somewhat lacking, although it is ONLY date 6 and that is perhaps expecting too much, particularly from someone who is English.

'cause you tell me it's

Does this point to him being not the one? But what is the one. For the first time in my life I am met with someone who is not my ideal and yet I could envision being with. Is that settling? By even considering it settling am I answering my own question? Settling seems easy in abstraction but is perhaps more complex in reality.

Make or break in this

I was talking to SA about this. Most of my friends are interested in my new past time, though no one has met him. Everyone senses my own discomfort and unease with the situation, although with somewhat different responses to it. I expressed how I felt to SA who said that he wanted the full deal. The person who inspired and met him at every level. That nothing less would do. I feel that way myself in that, I want that so desperately.

If you're on your way

But there are no guarantees. If you hold out for this- for the love song. For the one. For the sun and the moon and the stars. You might get it, because some people do. Or you might get nothing at all. Is that a worth while gamble when there are other options that might just do? That might offer something different? That might offer anything at all?

I'm not gonna write you to stay

I don't have certainty in this. I have my own history to deal with. I know that new people frighten me, that I tend to push things away before I trust them. I don't know if I'm leaning towards negativity because it's different and I'm not there yet, or if there is truth in it. I know that Mr.English is good enough for me that he has managed to pass some of my barriers, and yet others are still firmly in place. But is that because they are right, or is it just because of me?

If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better

Am I clutching at straws? Wishing for things that aren't real? Hoping for dreams that are childish and won't come? Am I making false comparisons between a new person I barely know and others who I know better but are unavailable to me? Am I too difficult? Too demanding? Too naive? Too stubborn? Too foolish? Too wary?

Reason to write you a love song today

I'm going to continue to give this one some time. I am afraid that I might know the answer, but equally afraid that I am wrong. I want the love song. I want the pretty picture. I want the story book. But I'm tired and getting old and I see that in some ways I am running out of time. I can see that something good might be okay even if it means giving up a chance for something amazing. And I can see how that very thought might kill me slowly over time. Don't know don't know don't know. Gonna give it some time.