Boys boys boys

My keeping count post was done as part of this post, perhaps. Seeing as my dating life is having a small injection of activity, and that it's been a bit of high and low, I figure it's worth putting down my thoughts on the matter overall.

It would be wrong of me to not start off by saying that I was (and still am) really disappointed by the Econ situation. It's terrible to meet someone that you feel so strongly about and to not have that feeling be returned. I know that it's normal, common even. But it doesn't make it any less disappointing or painful. I say painful not because I was emotionally attached to him, but more because I recognize that the people I feel this way about are so few and far between. I don't meet one very often at all, and then on top of that, to have them not return my interest, is just really difficult. I have no idea of when another one might appear again.

So in the meantime I've made some effort to try and 'put myself out there'. Which is I think a cyclical process. I don't think dating like this is something you can do continuously. It wears you down all of this small talk and getting to know people. And the odds are not in your favor. But lets face it, the options are otherwise...? I have never met someone in the course of my day to day life that I have then begun dating. If I had to look at the odds in terms of what was a more productive tactic, it's -very- clear that waiting around for my regular life to spit someone up is pretty much a zero chance game. So I use Internet dating. But as I say, it can be very very draining, and I think you just need to go at it when you feel up for it, and honestly don't get to fussed about it when you don't.

So what have I been up to then? I was contacted by a young lad. He's amusing and entertaining, and cute. But he is young, and perhaps not quite as much of a thinker as a I prefer. But I enjoy his company and attention and I want a distraction. So that's alright. I'm going to see him tonight. I saw him last weekend. Distractions are good.

But then I suppose I'm being a bit naughty because even though I'm planning an overnight with the young jackrabbit, I have a date scheduled for tomorrow. It's a first date, and I'm not getting my hopes up very much because there isn't any reason to. But that's alright, it is another type of distraction. One that hopefully I won't have a massive hickey on my neck for, because perhaps that would be inappropriate. But that's also what turtlenecks are for.

I despair of all of this sometimes, I really do. Meeting someone you think is the bees knees only to be rebuffed. Meeting people who think you are some sort of bees knees and only to rebuff them. How does anyone ever manage??

And yet.

I know the answer to that, which is both consoling and not. It doesn't happen very often. That's the answer. Out of all the people I know in relationships, a reasonable proportion are in relationships I would not want. And I know a number of single people. The number of people in relationships I would aspire to for myself are few, perhaps, if I am generous, maybe 25% of people I know.

So what does this mean? If not that desire and longing is futile, instead that the odds are not in my favor. I want a relationship, I have always wanted a relationship. But I want a good relationship. And I understand that comes with sacrifice and compromise, because lets be honest, most relationships do. So I'm not saying that what I want is all my way or nothing, not at all. In fact I am frequently a person to bend over backwards for a partner within a relationship. I just want to find someone that I want to do that for, who lo and behold, might want to do that for me too. Who fancies me as much as I fancy them. Who actually wants to be with me who I actually want to be with.

It seems impossible sometimes, it really does. And to be honest, it's nothing I've ever experienced in my life. That can't bode particularly well I think, sometimes.

But I'm not giving up. And I'm not blaming myself (like I'm sure I used to do). I'll keep trucking along and trying. When the energy is there. Because while I think that it's very unlikely, it's still possible. And just because it's unlikely, it doesn't mean I want it any less. So to not acknowledge that either would be a mistake.

But I recognize that it might not happen, and that I can't pin my self image, my self worth or my happiness on whether or not it does. It doesn't mean there is a single thing wrong with me, it just means it wasn't my turn in this life. And as we all know, life's not fair. So why should it be now?

At any rate, I'm going through a phase of trying. Of being available. Of going out. Of meeting people. And it's providing a fruitful distraction. And a distraction is nice. It's not what I want ultimately, but it's alright. It's good for right now.

Honestly though. Boys. Can't live with 'em....