Book Covers

Considering that things are supposed to come in threes, I'm just waiting for the third piece of this business to be over with. Two has been quite enough.

Earlier in the week I had a meeting with a professor at Cambridge. This professor had contacted my supervisor asking if he would be interesting in reviewing a Master's thesis. My supervisor was perhaps not interested, or just busy, but suggested me for the job. I have been corresponding via email with said professor and sent my CV - all seemed to be moving along in the usual fashion and we arranged to meet to talk in person on Wednesday.

Within moments of meeting I was being told about how the people on this particular Master's course have 'work experience' and the average age of a student is 30, and how maybe the students expect their examiners and teachers to be, you know, older than them. At which point I interrupted to thank the professor kindly for the compliment but to reiterate that I am in fact, 35, and have 10 years of solid work experience which I think make me qualified to actively participate in discussion and academic activities related to my field.

It was clear however, that he was having none of it. He didn't ask about my experience, he didn't follow up with any of the detailed information sent along with my CV. Upon seeing me, he had written me off as not fitting whatever visual criteria he deemed necessary for this particular job.

I was frustrated.

Then, just today on IC, I had a memo from someone expressing interest in possibly dating. I was a bit cautious, as I am always a bit cautious with such things, and he was a bit older than what I preferred, as well as separated three years and still not divorced, but he was interesting and the conversation seemed to be going alright but he had no photos on his profile. So I pointed him to where he could find a photo of me and asked for one in return, only to be told a few hours later, that having looked at my photographs, it was clear to him he would not be interested in anything beyond friendship so best to be honest up front about such things.

While I agree, it's not like it feels particularly nice to hear.

As a counterpoint to this, I suppose, I had a date a couple of weeks go that didn't work out at all, but one of the first things the man said to me upon meeting is that I was far more attractive in person than I was in my photographs.

How am I supposed to take this stuff?

Because it seems to me that the only clear course of action is to descend in some sort of self displeasure. Obviously there's something wrong with me, something so wrong that it's just bleating itself out before I even have a chance to speak. Yes, I know that this does not make sense in regards to my last bit of story, but what part do you think I'm focusing on? The fact that he said I was pretty in person or the fact that he basically said my photos were ugly? The same photos, I should point out, that I just got rejected on, and photos that I think are probably the best ones I have of me. I am not photogenic!!

But it's more than that you know. How much in life can women be constantly told that her looks don't matter and she shouldn't be obsessed with them, and then equally be told that she's being judged on her looks all the time? I really work hard to try not to think about this stuff too much because I know where my tendencies sit. But it's really hard when it's reflected in your face.