Another New Year

Well, it is isn't it? I don't know why I can't get that excited about this particular change over. Usually I'm rather charmed by things like significant changing numbers (2009-->10 for example). But this year I just can't connect to it. Maybe because I already have so much change going on in my life that it seems insignificant. Who can say?

My trip home to the States was good, albeit short and busy. There was only one day where I sort of sat at home for a while. Every other day I was out doing something. Which is fun, but tiring. I got back just in time for New Years and went to a friend's for that. Now it's the weekend- just a weekend, and then work on Monday and back to the grind. I sort of wonder where my vacation went or if I even had one at all. I'd really just like to sit at home for a week. But that isn't going to happen any time soon, or at least in the next few months.

One week and one day left at my current job and I'm straight full time into the PhD. I actually try not to think about it to much because it's really intimidating and a big deal. Like looking at an impossibly high mountain from the valley floor, you can't imagine how you're going to reach the top or that it's going to take so long. You just have this vague belief that you will get there eventually, but it's scary.

I feel like I want to try and write more, but then I tend to always feel like that. There are always so many things I think I should be doing, want to be doing, would like to be doing- but finding the motivation and energy to actually do them seems impossible frequently. This is truly an underlying theme to my existence, one I don't particularly like, but accept. I will do what I will do and be what I will be but I will always think that I could have done or been more.

All I can do is try you know? Try to be better, do better, and most of all to be happy. No matter what life throws at me, if I can stay true to myself, if I can find happiness in what I manage to create around me, then I am content. Of course I want more- but I refuse to spend a lifetime in longing. Healthy desire is one thing, but constant dissatisfaction is entirely another and one I am not willing to accept. I think overall I've been very good at achieving this balance in my life. I do believe that although I do not have everything I want, that I am not everything I desire, that I am overall content.

Hopefully this year will bring more of the same.