Social Intricacy

So I go from being a person who thinks I'll never be involved with anyone ever again. Never have a chance to be in a relationship ever again. Never have anyone be interested in me ever again (well, was anyone ever?). And here I am feeling almost (almost) like I'm beating off opportunities with a stick. Of course nothing seems quite right- and if it did, that would make all the other options and choices easy to discard.

So I'm confused, as it were. For my own benefit of mental organization, the current cast of characters include:

The Other Couple. I began seeing TOC when I was still involved with Mr.Aloof and toy. If anything, it was an immature and passive aggressive response to start seeing them- probably to try and manipulate Mr.Aloof to some degree. It worked in some ways, but not at all in others. And in the meantime TOC have proven themselves to be nice and fun and considerate and consistent. I have been involved with them for a year, though I've known them probably half again as long. They currently want to see me and I find I am putting them off a bit. Because I'm not sure how my involvement with them fits in with everything else going on.

The Photographer. Well, he's not really 'in the picture' or even much of an option in some ways. I haven't pursued it much. Again, because I'm not at all sure how my playing with him would fit in with everything else. However, the one time we did mess around it was lots of fun. Today, he was outside texting to see if I was free, but I am working on my lecture (like I am right now in fact. Ha.), and I now have a flatmate again which sort of puts a damper on naughty business. We had an extended text conversation however, and he says he'll be in touch soon. Hm....

Heathrow. My cute long haired octopus boy who makes me say very naughty things (yes, makes me!) and is breathlessly talented with rope, is currently the main focus of my interest. But what is going on exactly? If I could see him more than every other week, I'd maybe have a better idea. Or another way to look at it, is even if our relationship status wasn't any more defined, if I saw him more often, I'd be less interested in scratching that itch with others. But part of me struggles with feeling like I shouldn't put too much in this because I do only see him every other week (at the moment) and he's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship, although is definition of relationship and mine seem to be separated by a large gap. I like Heathrow, a lot. And maybe that scares me a bit. I also know Heathrow at least plays with lots of other people. So I'm not really clear where the line or rules are. The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings, but I haven't talked to him about these things. Currently in my thought process, Heathrow is distinguished by being the only person I'm sleeping with, and the only person I want to sleep with (and while this is true, I've avoided TOC instead of telling them this at the moment). He's the person I want to be intimate with, though by definition playing with others is a certain level of intimacy. Heathrow is on and in my thoughts when others aren't.

M. My new friend with the whips. M is easy to talk to and we share a laugh. There hasn't been anything close to 'sex', though it's impossible to completely remove play from 'sexual contact'. I mean, obviously a lot of it is all an erotic turn on, does it matter if you actually are touched by someone in that way or even kissed? What about being touched in other ways? Or held? Complicated. M knows about Heathrow. M knows Heathrow. And M respects that I am interested in Heathrow, but it doesn't keep him from wanting to test out his whips or rope on me. And given that I'm technically free and enjoy such activities, I'm not sure why I shouldn't. Except I haven't told Heathrow about our involvement in this way at all, though he knows we're talking.

And then there's just the random people that memo me on IC and actually seem interesting. After years of jerks and uninteresting people, suddenly, there's these interesting people that want to talk to me and want to meet up and I feel like I have enough on my plate at the moment, but I'm reluctant to pull my ad because some of the people above would see it and I don't want that to influence anything.

So it's complicated really.

M tells me it's not complicated at all. That I should talk to Heathrow and should stop seeing people if they aren't who I want to see, and don't play with people if I don't want to. But I guess that's part of the problem. My wanting to is somehow tied to what the alternative is. So, if Heathrow isn't interested and doesn't care, then why should I give anything up?

Except really, I'd rather be spending time with him- it's just that that's not possible.

Oh well. I'm sure this will all play itself out eventually. I just hate the waiting and the not knowing and the ever present fear that I'm going to do something wrong. Yes. As a matter of fact, in all of this, that's my biggest fear. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I want it to all work itself out okay. And of course as a secondary consideration to all of this, I really don't want to be hurt either. Ugh.