skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I can hardly say that I have returned back to normal when I'm not sure there was much normal there to begin with. This half week of work is all a bit of a mess. Getting back 'into' things, since people have left and are leaving left and right. The office doesn't feel quite right anymore. Too much transition and change all at once. And softball just finished for the season. Everything is all still up in the air, and it needs to settle down.
In other news, the government here continues to pursue a stupid and knee-jerk policy that would potentially make me a criminal. I mean, some of the things I wrote here could quite easily fall into their stupid supposed category. You know, I wrote in when they were doing consultation. And apparently, the consultation did not support the initiative, but they just want to go ahead with it anyway. Hello thought police. What the fuck? I understand how it all got going, really I do. But is it not the responsibility of the government to move beyond an emotional level to a rational and higher level? Oh, wait... what am I talking about... Government. Letting citizens down daily since time began.
Speaking of which, I've planned a tryst for the week after next with Mr.Noshow. I'm actually sort of looking forward to it, though looking forward to being soundly thrashed is always a bit bittersweet. There's the anticipation and thrill, and the knowledge you are going to be seriously hurting, even if you like it... well... it's just a tingly mix. We've planned to meet up at a rentable dungeon in London. I'm also looking forward to that aspect. Update will be after it happens of course.
No word on my exam yet. I think I failed. As usual. But if we look at the past, that's probably a good sign, right?
I don't think I'm really back on London time yet...
I'll leave you with something you probably won't think is normal. Snowball snacky cake. SH bought me one (which is really two) for when I arrived in Chicago. I cut it in half so you could understand the wonder. Mmm-mmmm!
Although I've been on the computer, I've not been focused enough to really sit and write long things. Email has been neglected, and also, my blog.
Chicago has been good. The exam was, as all the exams have been, difficult and unfathomable and I have no idea how I did so I could have passed, but I could have failed, but it's over now, so there isn't any more I can do about this particular stab at it.
I hung out for one day before the family festivities with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I went out a couple times with SH and her friends. I saw my friend NC whose wedding I attended in Sienna last year and her husband J which is always nice.
Then the family arrived and it was bar mitzvah madness. The conservative leaning reformed synagogue was a bit more Hebrew than I'm used to or prefer. Though in some way it was nice to go to a service, not having been to one in three years. I used to go most Fridays when I lived in St. Louis. I miss the mental and spiritual recharge of just having a sort of meditative space and moment. I need to get back into yoga I think.
I think my family was a bit upset that I didn't spend more time with them, but it's hard to balance my time when I'm not staying with them either. There were transport issues. Of course no one would lend me their car.
And the week has gone past far too quickly, and tomorrow night I head back to London. I have other things to write about, in respect to the week. And I will when I get back, and get back into my schedule and routine. I also took some pictures I need to upload. So yes I'm alive. And when I get my thoughts in order, I'll write something more witty and substantial. Think good plane thoughts for me blogland. I'll see you again in ole blighty.
Is it life, or do I just mean the large tin can I'm going to get on tomorrow morning? Not sure. I certainly feel like a cog in a great machine at the moment. With almost no rational choice. I am on autopilot. This week has gone too fast, I have no time left. I must go, prepared or not.
I'll have fun once I'm there I'm sure. Well, I'll be relieved just to get there. And really, then I only have to focus on the test, all other thoughts, issues, and problems becomes irrelevant as they are part of my time 'here' and I will be 'there'. In that sense I always like going away, because it's like I exist in an alternate reality. A break from my life for a while. Enough to generally make me quite happy to be coming back to it.
So the next post that will be here will likely be from Chicago. Probably all about how I'm going to fail my exam. Hm... I've heard that before. A broken record? Or just a great machine...
In ten years I'll be the answer to life, the universe, and everything!
Well.
Another year has gone by since I was born. This year it feels a bit strange, like my birthday has already happened, because so much energy went into the house party. Not that there aren't plans for today as well. Probably lunch somewhere, softball after work and a yummy Japanese meal after softball. And if it's raining and softball is cancelled, the meal is still on.
It's a strange year for me I think. Because it's a year where not very much has happened perhaps. I was living the status quo. Work continues to be work, Mr.Aloof featured prominently in an aloof way. I woke up, I lived, I played, I went to sleep. This year I have no vision for. Will it be more of the same or will there be change? The biggest change I could make in my life would be to change jobs. Something that is frequently a consideration. Not because I don't like my job, or my office, but because of how my office sees me. I am not a martyr to someone else's business. I like to be appreciated and taken care of. This is not my current situation.
This was hammered home yesterday by us getting our annual salary reviews, only for me to find that I had no salary review. I received the regular interest-based increase that anyone else got. But nothing else. Even though I have taken on tons more responsibility in the past year, and even though I told them that my salary was not acceptable.
So it's something I need to address at least initially today, will probably really deal with it when I get back. The thing is, I'm tired of fighting with my office for scraps. Knowing I could go to another job in the city with more prestige, more work, and instantly get a 6k increase in salary more than likely. When all I want from my office to make me more content is 2k. They just go that little extra bit too much, that step across what is reasonable and moves into the realm of 'taking the piss'. And it's not at all what I want to deal with. And certainly not on my birthday.
I have hopes for the upcoming year of course. Health. Happiness. I would really like it if I could meet someone and have a 'relationship'. Maybe I'll have to get a new job. I'd like to finally finish my exams and be a licensed architect. It's all a big unknown. Sometimes I think you have to shake up your life a bit in order to really live it. And sometimes I think it's nice to relax into the comfort of a life that you've worked hard to achieve. It's just that I'm still young-ish. I'm not entirely sure what else it is I want to do, but I feel this ball of potential spinning inside of me sometimes, knowing that there is more that I could do. And hoping I find out what it is.
Happy Birthday to me.
Actually, I'm not sure even my future imaginary children would eat such things. Probably they'd try to make me eat them. This is right up there with 'Don't Eat that Steve' which is fantastic, though he hasn't posted anything new for a long time. Thanks to boing boing for the link.
For being so succinct in showing me where I stand on the cosmic karmic scale. I mean, are you kidding me? For fucks sake. Oh no, just having a phobia isn't enough, we're going to play with it! Yippee!! I was supposed to fly on 9/11 you know. To England of all places. We flew out three weeks later instead. That was stressful. This? This is un-fucking-believable. Why me?
Yet again I've fallen far behind in my studying goals. I haven't read the material I should have by now. I'm not sure I'll have time to read it before I go in a week and a half. This weekend I'm going to close up shop and put my nose to the grindstone. I need to. Do I have to say it? I think it's likely I'm going to fail this one... but I MEAN it this time... *sigh*. I know you won't believe me, but I'm getting worse and worse as these exams go on. Something is going to break at some point, and that point might as well be now.
Of course having to study is not very pleasant. And my regular work is very busy as well. This makes me generally a very busy girl. And while trapped in this moment of being very busy, I find that my mind wanders down ways that are not conducive to studying or working. As usual.
I think this latest dating setback has hit my rather hard actually. Today I found myself missing Mr.Aloof tangibly. Which is strange, because I don't and haven't much recently. I wanted to email. I wanted to hear from him. I didn't, which is good. But I note the intense need inside of me. And then I thought about it all some more. All this dating bullshit. And how screwy my own dating history has been. I was thinking to myself today that it seems likely that I'll actually never have a boyfriend. And I sort of wonder how my entire life passed on by in this fashion. Of course if I'd been before where I am now, this would never have been the case. There are reasons and explanations for everything that happened in my life. Still.... it's never really been a 'thing' in my life. I have operated generally alone for as long as I can remember. And I so desperately want not to be alone. But maybe it's just not going to happen. When should I just give up? Stop torturing myself looking, putting myself up again and again for rejection? I don't know.
On the plus side, all of this mental energy torn between work, studying, and pondering my less than fulfilling life has the benefit of letting me not worry yet about my upcoming flight. I haven't really been thinking about it much at all. And that's probably a good thing.
