Well.
My office has made me 'unofficially' redundant.
It's all very difficult actually, because it's clear that they have no interest in giving me any part time work. If they could have their way, I'd be out in the five weeks I'm owed. The only thing that is making them reasonable is that they are being considerate about my citizenship application and are willing to work with me to keep me on in some capacity (on the books that is) to try to make sure that my application doesn't get fucked. Of course the only reason I think they're being reasonable about that is they can then wiggle out of paying me redundancy pay since I'm not technically being made redundant.
So other than that, I've got pretty much nothing.
I'm irritated because it looks like they're willing to keep more architects than they originally said they would (at the expensive of other staff). I'm irritated because when V, the one person from my department who they want to keep said that she would want me to come in if she couldn't handle the workload they basically told her no- that someone else could do it. I'm irritated because I'm in this mess and part of me is still fairly worried that this is going to somehow impact my application and what if I don't get citizenship? Then what? I'm irritated that there isn't anything I can do about it and that I have little control over my immediate future and I am not a patient person.
I'm avoiding trying to work out exactly how much money I have versus how much money I need. I'm settling into the mindset that I'm about to become a super cheap person and stop spending money on pretty much anything. On the one hand I'm looking forward to having time off, and on the other hand I worry that I'm going to get depressed. I won't be able to look for work really until December. Who the fuck hires anyone in December?
Jesus what a fucking disaster. Not one that I won't live through, but seriously, one huge fucking headache.
I think the worst bit is that I'm just going to worry the entire time that somehow this is going to mean I don't get to stay here. I think when it comes down to it, this is actually my biggest fear. Not finding new work, and not really the being out of money and work (I think that's just particularly annoying because I won't be able to look for new work) but really my fear is that I've lived here five and a half years and it could all go up in a puff of smoke like that. I have zero rights if my application isn't approved. I'm just so very conscious of how knife edge wrong this situation is in terms of what I need for it to be.
And I want to add, that while my office is willing to work with me as best they can, they did make it absolutely clear in my meeting that they cannot do anything that jeopardizes the business. So it's not even completely settled yet- except that I know they really rather wish I wasn't there and they didn't have this problem.
So while I feel set on my course, there's obviously a lot of residual worry about how it all plays out. It's not like I have choices. In fact, I have pretty much no choices now. It's just all about wait and see. And what can I work out with my office. Since I woke up far too early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, I did have one idea to pitch to them about how to hopefully make me be truly 'permanent' until the technical end of my visa period at which point I don't think the government can slight me for anything. But I don't know if they'll accept it. Basically it involves moving two weeks of my 'unofficial five weeks notice' by requesting a week of unpaid leave in september and a week in october to be moved to the end of what I have left. That brings me two days short of meeting my visa requirement (which considering they can get away with not paying me redundancy because I'm not techncially being made redundant I think they should suck up and pay me).
So complicated.
So annoying.
So much possibility for it all to go tits up.
And there really just isn't anything I can do except exactly what I know I need to do and then it's out of my hands and I just wait while my money dwindles and the economy worsens.
In impulsive moments of being fed up with the situation, I sort of wonder if I should just go home and this idea of dual citizenship is a pipe dream that I'm never going to achieve.
18 September 2008
16 September 2008
More Diary Less Blog
I think my writing is turning far more into a dumping ground for all the junk spinning in my head than for anything particularly useful or constructive for others. I don't think this is a bad thing- though being so introspective is far more the realm of the teenager than the thirty-something. You get older and you learn to just get on with things a bit and quit staring at your navel.
But navel gazing seems to be the thing to do at the moment. Maybe it's the weather or the ridiculously difficult times that seem to be lurking around the bend, but when you can't buy comfort anymore, because every little bit counts, you better find it somewhere and I suppose it's in your head.
Sorry then that I'm not finding much comfort at the moment and am finding myself considerably grumpy. This feeling of angst can generally be broken down into three categories I think- relationships, work, and life.
I had a really strange dream last night that involved my favorite photographer. It was somewhat erotic- though not overly erotic though it did involve kissing. Kissing! How chaste. But it was charged and bizarre and involved exploring this multi floored architectural monstrosity of an abode and there were a lot of other people there as well.
This morning I took note that the maid and Mr.Aloof and L all seem to still be going along together despite the maid announcing on IC at least twice this past year that 'they'd broken up'. That and she keeps telling everyone who complainis about relationship issues to read the book, "It's called a break up because it's broken" but then doesn't seem to be able to follow her own smug advice.
None of this should make me angry but it does of course. I'm angry that they're still all involved that he's still getting the things he wants. That whatever was happening with me was meaningless and unimportant and a sham and every other negative word I can throw at it.
Of course the smarter side to me recognizes that it's not all pretty and smug like the maid likes to portray. After all, you don't split with someone twice in one year if everything is fine. Obviously it's not. And I'd even go one step more and say he's probably doing to her exactly like he did to me and I know how powerful that hook is that keeps you coming back and makes you feel like it's all your fault. But I can't keep myself from being angry about it still. Not hurt so much- not anymore. And I don't even know what I would say to him were he to appear again. In some ways, my concept of him in my head has become more like a stranger. And this is good. But I'm not done being angry, and this is bad. Anger means caring and caring means not being over it. Though I suppose I'll get there eventually. At the moment I'm still just frustrated and angry at the lingering hurt of all of it still.
Work is a complicated mess still and I just heard that a firm where my friend E works is making 20 people redundant and I am even more sure now than I was before that what I need to do is get my citizenship first and foremost. Scary times ahead for architects and their fellows and it's going to be a struggle. This is of course a general observation. A more specific thought about my office is just how unpleasant it's going to be when only the bare bones are left and people start leaving. The one thing I have always loved about this office was the people and the atmosphere. I think it's one of the things that everyone loves about it. But it's going to take some time to recover from a blow like this. So even for the people who do stay, it will become a more somber place I fear.
Life in general. Well, I have the shrinky dink appointment today where I can talk about my general disgruntledness and angst. But when so many thing seem on the fritz or out of my control I tend to get this mad desire to make it all worse. I call this exercise, 'making my outside match my inside'- where I feel in times of mental stress the desire to fuck up things around me to match how I feel. Self destructive and not a good idea, I can generally stave it off, but it does put me in a funk. So I'm in a funk. About my life, where it's going, what I've done, and what it all means. At the moment the answer seems to be 'nowhere', 'nothing', and 'fuck all'- though I know that isn't the case, that's just the overwhelming sense of how I feel about it.
But navel gazing seems to be the thing to do at the moment. Maybe it's the weather or the ridiculously difficult times that seem to be lurking around the bend, but when you can't buy comfort anymore, because every little bit counts, you better find it somewhere and I suppose it's in your head.
Sorry then that I'm not finding much comfort at the moment and am finding myself considerably grumpy. This feeling of angst can generally be broken down into three categories I think- relationships, work, and life.
I had a really strange dream last night that involved my favorite photographer. It was somewhat erotic- though not overly erotic though it did involve kissing. Kissing! How chaste. But it was charged and bizarre and involved exploring this multi floored architectural monstrosity of an abode and there were a lot of other people there as well.
This morning I took note that the maid and Mr.Aloof and L all seem to still be going along together despite the maid announcing on IC at least twice this past year that 'they'd broken up'. That and she keeps telling everyone who complainis about relationship issues to read the book, "It's called a break up because it's broken" but then doesn't seem to be able to follow her own smug advice.
None of this should make me angry but it does of course. I'm angry that they're still all involved that he's still getting the things he wants. That whatever was happening with me was meaningless and unimportant and a sham and every other negative word I can throw at it.
Of course the smarter side to me recognizes that it's not all pretty and smug like the maid likes to portray. After all, you don't split with someone twice in one year if everything is fine. Obviously it's not. And I'd even go one step more and say he's probably doing to her exactly like he did to me and I know how powerful that hook is that keeps you coming back and makes you feel like it's all your fault. But I can't keep myself from being angry about it still. Not hurt so much- not anymore. And I don't even know what I would say to him were he to appear again. In some ways, my concept of him in my head has become more like a stranger. And this is good. But I'm not done being angry, and this is bad. Anger means caring and caring means not being over it. Though I suppose I'll get there eventually. At the moment I'm still just frustrated and angry at the lingering hurt of all of it still.
Work is a complicated mess still and I just heard that a firm where my friend E works is making 20 people redundant and I am even more sure now than I was before that what I need to do is get my citizenship first and foremost. Scary times ahead for architects and their fellows and it's going to be a struggle. This is of course a general observation. A more specific thought about my office is just how unpleasant it's going to be when only the bare bones are left and people start leaving. The one thing I have always loved about this office was the people and the atmosphere. I think it's one of the things that everyone loves about it. But it's going to take some time to recover from a blow like this. So even for the people who do stay, it will become a more somber place I fear.
Life in general. Well, I have the shrinky dink appointment today where I can talk about my general disgruntledness and angst. But when so many thing seem on the fritz or out of my control I tend to get this mad desire to make it all worse. I call this exercise, 'making my outside match my inside'- where I feel in times of mental stress the desire to fuck up things around me to match how I feel. Self destructive and not a good idea, I can generally stave it off, but it does put me in a funk. So I'm in a funk. About my life, where it's going, what I've done, and what it all means. At the moment the answer seems to be 'nowhere', 'nothing', and 'fuck all'- though I know that isn't the case, that's just the overwhelming sense of how I feel about it.
13 September 2008
Work Takes a Tumble
So we had meetings on Friday and it wasn't very good news. From my team of three they are hoping to make two redundancies. This isn't very good odds under any circumstances.
I stuck around to talk with the two directors after our team meeting to explain my visa situation. There is no way that I am going to not be applying for citizenship as soon as possible. Yes, I could potentially look for another job, hope that they sponsor me for a new work permit, get a new visa, etc.- and then apply for citizenship. However, I am four weeks away from applying for citizenship. This is completely unreasonable. Also, there is no guarantee given the current job climate that I would get a new work permit. That is a real risk that most people never consider (because it hasn't been an issue) but would be possible at which point I would not be eligible for citizenship and would have to leave the country. Unacceptable.
So basically I explained this to the office and said that even if I was one of the people they wished to make redundant, I would rather stay on in any sort of limited capacity until my application came through. They seemed to be alright with this in principle, though obviously I was just introducing the subject. Basically, my understanding of how this will work is that if I am one of the two 'chosen', I have about a month left of full time work and then I will need to arrange something with the office. Hopefully where I can work three days a week. I will continue in this way until my paperwork comes through and can use the free days to secure a new job.
In the worse case scenario, I will stay on the books but they won't have any days a week for me to work- or will only use me sometimes on an irregular basis. This will make the three months of paperwork processing particularly difficult. I will manage, but it will be a financial hardship. In this scenario I will also use my free time to find a new job and have it lined up.
The best case scenario is that the office intends to put me on part time but so many people are made redundant and then new work comes in and I can just continue to work through Christmas and this is all just a massive headache of preventative thought. But I need to plan for the worst case scenario really, and it's not great.
The reason that I need to stick with my job, aside from the not wanting to apply for a new work permit thing, is that once my citizenship application is made, I will not have the ability to take new work since I won't have a work permit and I won't be able to show I have the legal right to work in the country. This is where my hands become tied. So while I can look for work, and secure a job, I can't legally start working until the citizenship comes through. And this will take three months to process.
So here I am, over a barrel it feels like. All I can think though, is that the key to all of this is to have my citizenship. Once I have that, none of this will ever plague me again and I will be free to make any number of decisions or choices that are closed to me now. That's why it's so critical, and that's why it's my priority.
So it's going to be a tough few months I think, but it's not the end of the world. I have enough savings to probably last me two months of complete unemployment and I have credit cards for the third. And hopefully it won't come to that and I'll get a couple days a week to tide me over. It'll just be unpleasant, but I will get through it.
And then I will be free.
In other news, the 'maybe date thing' was alright really. I thought he was interesting and we certainly didn't run out of things to say. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I suppose at the very least, I may have made a new friend. And that's not entirely terrible as he seems to know quite a few people on the kink scene and stuff. Whatever, we'll see what happens. It's just not been the sort of week that's going to let me get my hopes up or excited about pretty much anything. On the other hand, maybe that's not the worst thing in this case.
I stuck around to talk with the two directors after our team meeting to explain my visa situation. There is no way that I am going to not be applying for citizenship as soon as possible. Yes, I could potentially look for another job, hope that they sponsor me for a new work permit, get a new visa, etc.- and then apply for citizenship. However, I am four weeks away from applying for citizenship. This is completely unreasonable. Also, there is no guarantee given the current job climate that I would get a new work permit. That is a real risk that most people never consider (because it hasn't been an issue) but would be possible at which point I would not be eligible for citizenship and would have to leave the country. Unacceptable.
So basically I explained this to the office and said that even if I was one of the people they wished to make redundant, I would rather stay on in any sort of limited capacity until my application came through. They seemed to be alright with this in principle, though obviously I was just introducing the subject. Basically, my understanding of how this will work is that if I am one of the two 'chosen', I have about a month left of full time work and then I will need to arrange something with the office. Hopefully where I can work three days a week. I will continue in this way until my paperwork comes through and can use the free days to secure a new job.
In the worse case scenario, I will stay on the books but they won't have any days a week for me to work- or will only use me sometimes on an irregular basis. This will make the three months of paperwork processing particularly difficult. I will manage, but it will be a financial hardship. In this scenario I will also use my free time to find a new job and have it lined up.
The best case scenario is that the office intends to put me on part time but so many people are made redundant and then new work comes in and I can just continue to work through Christmas and this is all just a massive headache of preventative thought. But I need to plan for the worst case scenario really, and it's not great.
The reason that I need to stick with my job, aside from the not wanting to apply for a new work permit thing, is that once my citizenship application is made, I will not have the ability to take new work since I won't have a work permit and I won't be able to show I have the legal right to work in the country. This is where my hands become tied. So while I can look for work, and secure a job, I can't legally start working until the citizenship comes through. And this will take three months to process.
So here I am, over a barrel it feels like. All I can think though, is that the key to all of this is to have my citizenship. Once I have that, none of this will ever plague me again and I will be free to make any number of decisions or choices that are closed to me now. That's why it's so critical, and that's why it's my priority.
So it's going to be a tough few months I think, but it's not the end of the world. I have enough savings to probably last me two months of complete unemployment and I have credit cards for the third. And hopefully it won't come to that and I'll get a couple days a week to tide me over. It'll just be unpleasant, but I will get through it.
And then I will be free.
In other news, the 'maybe date thing' was alright really. I thought he was interesting and we certainly didn't run out of things to say. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I suppose at the very least, I may have made a new friend. And that's not entirely terrible as he seems to know quite a few people on the kink scene and stuff. Whatever, we'll see what happens. It's just not been the sort of week that's going to let me get my hopes up or excited about pretty much anything. On the other hand, maybe that's not the worst thing in this case.
12 September 2008
Updates
There are actually so many little niggling things going on that it's almost impossible to make sense of it all, or put it in any sort of perspective or order. I have a pile of laundry to do that is threatening to take over my room, and I've also scheduled my Life in the UK test. I've gotten my bike serviced and rode it in to work, and work has sent around another set of redundancy letters- except this time they sent out around 40, but the three of us got them all again. I have scuba lesson two on Monday while my sinuses are still not completely clear, and I have won my battle with Hackney over the bike shed key except now I don't know when I'm going to get it sorted. My neighbour borrowed £200 pounds off me which made me somewhat uncomfortable, and I am going to see men in tights next Wednesday. The London Freewheel is next weekend, and I have a date (maybe) tomorrow.
I'm sure if you managed to read that carefully, you can determine for yourself which is probably the most important, but I feel like it's all deja vu except this time I am going to put my foot down about my visa issues and I will be damned if this is going to fuck up my ability to either get citizenship or for that matter stay in the country. Because that is fucking ridiculous at this point within a month and a half of being able to apply and be done with this paperwork bullshit forever.
Still, it's the same problem as before- it's putting your entire life on hold and second guessing all your plans because you just have no clue what the future is going to throw at you and you need to be ready to turn on a dime. I can't make commitments about important future like things because I don't know what my situation is going to be in a month's time let alone three.
But no, I won't stand for it now. If it had been me two months ago, I would have been inconvenienced and annoyed but I would have worked around it. Now, however, it's critical and my very few choices have been streamlined and reduced and I'm not going to let it all fall apart. I'm just not.
So this is so preposterous that I'm not even thinking about it like I was last time, I'm just exasperated at having so little knowledge or control over things that should be somewhat reliable, and I really just want to get through the next three months and get the things done I need to get done and be on the other side of it all.
So there's that.
Then the dating thing still weighs heavily on my mind. Therapy is not helping me I think in this respect and the more distance I get from Mr.Aloof (though I'm not at all suggesting it isn't still frequently on my mind), the more I just feel completely alone (and still pretty angry). What's the point of working on my issues or knowing my behaviors better when there is no one to test it out on? You don't go to therapy and get tester boyfriends to take home and experiment with. You go to therapy and talk about things that ostensibly will matter one day when I might meet someone new, but that's just not happening. Frankly, given my history and behavior patterns, I don't even know if it will happen. I do everything I'm supposed to do and I really just don't meet that many people. That's it. That's all there is to it. I may never meet someone. That happens to good, regular, nice, normal people. So it may just happen to me. And going to therapy to talk about it week after week is sometimes just really depressing. Because what difference does it make if I'm changing? My life isn't changing. My life isn't really all that bad. I wouldn't want it to change very much. I just don't have a boyfriend, and I have no clue what more I can do (other than what I'm already doing which is not 'nothing' but it's clearly not good enough).
Which I suppose comes back in a roundabout way to the fact that I have a maybe date tomorrow with a guy I contacted off IC because his profile interested me a bit and we exchanged a lot of chatter and agreed to meet. But is it a date really? I don't know. I can't even get my hopes up like that anymore. It's just an experience and an interesting person, and that's cool and great- but I guess my expectations are low and that's probably a really bad way to approach it.
I don't know. I'm clearly disgruntled and busy and have tons of things going on so that I don't have a moment to just sit and do nothing which is not particularly good for me under most circumstances. I'm a woman that needs my down time and my me time and my zoning out time and my lazy time and I am simply not having any of it so that I feel like I'm on autopilot and trying to keep all the plates in the air.
Then I get critical of this thinking that it's not all that much and I shouldn't be so damn lazy and it's not that difficult to keep those plates in the air really and I'm being a lazy so and so.
Fuck it's like there's so many things crowding my head that every sentence is becoming a run on sentence as well of lots of words and exasperation. Well. Whatever. That's what's going on around here.
I'm sure if you managed to read that carefully, you can determine for yourself which is probably the most important, but I feel like it's all deja vu except this time I am going to put my foot down about my visa issues and I will be damned if this is going to fuck up my ability to either get citizenship or for that matter stay in the country. Because that is fucking ridiculous at this point within a month and a half of being able to apply and be done with this paperwork bullshit forever.
Still, it's the same problem as before- it's putting your entire life on hold and second guessing all your plans because you just have no clue what the future is going to throw at you and you need to be ready to turn on a dime. I can't make commitments about important future like things because I don't know what my situation is going to be in a month's time let alone three.
But no, I won't stand for it now. If it had been me two months ago, I would have been inconvenienced and annoyed but I would have worked around it. Now, however, it's critical and my very few choices have been streamlined and reduced and I'm not going to let it all fall apart. I'm just not.
So this is so preposterous that I'm not even thinking about it like I was last time, I'm just exasperated at having so little knowledge or control over things that should be somewhat reliable, and I really just want to get through the next three months and get the things done I need to get done and be on the other side of it all.
So there's that.
Then the dating thing still weighs heavily on my mind. Therapy is not helping me I think in this respect and the more distance I get from Mr.Aloof (though I'm not at all suggesting it isn't still frequently on my mind), the more I just feel completely alone (and still pretty angry). What's the point of working on my issues or knowing my behaviors better when there is no one to test it out on? You don't go to therapy and get tester boyfriends to take home and experiment with. You go to therapy and talk about things that ostensibly will matter one day when I might meet someone new, but that's just not happening. Frankly, given my history and behavior patterns, I don't even know if it will happen. I do everything I'm supposed to do and I really just don't meet that many people. That's it. That's all there is to it. I may never meet someone. That happens to good, regular, nice, normal people. So it may just happen to me. And going to therapy to talk about it week after week is sometimes just really depressing. Because what difference does it make if I'm changing? My life isn't changing. My life isn't really all that bad. I wouldn't want it to change very much. I just don't have a boyfriend, and I have no clue what more I can do (other than what I'm already doing which is not 'nothing' but it's clearly not good enough).
Which I suppose comes back in a roundabout way to the fact that I have a maybe date tomorrow with a guy I contacted off IC because his profile interested me a bit and we exchanged a lot of chatter and agreed to meet. But is it a date really? I don't know. I can't even get my hopes up like that anymore. It's just an experience and an interesting person, and that's cool and great- but I guess my expectations are low and that's probably a really bad way to approach it.
I don't know. I'm clearly disgruntled and busy and have tons of things going on so that I don't have a moment to just sit and do nothing which is not particularly good for me under most circumstances. I'm a woman that needs my down time and my me time and my zoning out time and my lazy time and I am simply not having any of it so that I feel like I'm on autopilot and trying to keep all the plates in the air.
Then I get critical of this thinking that it's not all that much and I shouldn't be so damn lazy and it's not that difficult to keep those plates in the air really and I'm being a lazy so and so.
Fuck it's like there's so many things crowding my head that every sentence is becoming a run on sentence as well of lots of words and exasperation. Well. Whatever. That's what's going on around here.
09 September 2008
Stuffy
Well, Louche had the right of it I'd say on the previous post comments. Scuba is an awful lot like naughty business- what with the rubbery constricting onesies and all that breath control. Overall I thought scuba was okay but not brilliant. I am not at all convinced that it is going to be something I add to my repertoire beyond this certification- if I get the certification. We'll see. I'll get through this first bit, but the open water dives are yet to come.
The main issue for me is the breathing. Well, lets back that up. The main issue for me yesterday was that I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'd been sneezing for two days and while I didn't feel overly stuffy, as soon as chlorine hit my sinuses, I was clogged like a mofo. On the one hand, this made breathing through the mouth easier. On the other hand, this made me feel like every breath was a struggle. This is either true, or this was mild panic. I'll be able to tell more next week when I do it all over again.
But really, there is this cold to consider as well. Today I am definitely feeling like I have a cold. So I'm sure there were some initial stages of it making its presence known yesterday. And it did make the whole thing a bit more complicated. I knew that the breathing was going to be my biggest concern anyway. I just don't do well with not having air. I panic. I suppose this is a natural reaction, just like how when you start breathing through your regulator and let your head slip below the water, the first thing my body wanted to do was stop breathing. Because that's what you do when your head goes underwater- makes sense to me. Of course, as we all learned, the fist rule of scuba is to keep breathing. You see the problem.
Then there was the clicky ragged breathing that was happening under water. I felt like I had to 'work' to inhale. Suck in harder as it were. Just like when you have a cold. So either this is normal, or it's because I actually have a cold. We can all stay tuned for that one.
So one of the first things you learn is how to take your regulator on and off underwater. This one I don't like at all. Not one bit. And this was when it was all controlled and I had my hand on it. Imagine if someone kicked it out of my mouth. I don't see how I wouldn't panic. I need air. I need a constant supply of air. I don't like being cut off from air or possible chance of air with no warning. This makes me panic. Panic is no good when you need to grab hold of your floating regulator, open your mouth (to the water- fuck it, I know you're supposed to be blowing bubbles, but water gets in there and again, call it a natural reaction but my mouth just doesn't want to open) and get that regulator back in, clear it, and start breathing again.
Fuck me. Next week we work on what happens when your air supply goes off. For me this will be the same as having your regulator removed by mistake. I envision total panic. I'm not sure I'm going to make it but we'll see.
Of course the wetsuits provided endless entertainment. I've never worn a wetsuit before and it was a bizarre experience. Getting it on was a huge chore- I'm sure it wasn't sized quite right for me, though it did get on, the legs and arms were slightly long. If every anything has ever made me feel like a sausage in a casing, this had to be it. Go go bondage wetsuit. It did get more comfortable as it adjusted in the water. But it also heated up in the water, and I kept needing to pull at the wrists and neck to let cool water flood my hot little suit.
Last, everyone on my course except me is going someplace sunny and pretty to do their open water dives. One couple is going to the Maldives, another guy is going to Bali and S is going to Corsica. Me, I'm going to a puddle by Heathrow which is apparently so murky you have to follow a pole down as you descend into muck.
And I'm going to have to take my regulator out in this? Fucking hell.
The main issue for me is the breathing. Well, lets back that up. The main issue for me yesterday was that I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'd been sneezing for two days and while I didn't feel overly stuffy, as soon as chlorine hit my sinuses, I was clogged like a mofo. On the one hand, this made breathing through the mouth easier. On the other hand, this made me feel like every breath was a struggle. This is either true, or this was mild panic. I'll be able to tell more next week when I do it all over again.
But really, there is this cold to consider as well. Today I am definitely feeling like I have a cold. So I'm sure there were some initial stages of it making its presence known yesterday. And it did make the whole thing a bit more complicated. I knew that the breathing was going to be my biggest concern anyway. I just don't do well with not having air. I panic. I suppose this is a natural reaction, just like how when you start breathing through your regulator and let your head slip below the water, the first thing my body wanted to do was stop breathing. Because that's what you do when your head goes underwater- makes sense to me. Of course, as we all learned, the fist rule of scuba is to keep breathing. You see the problem.
Then there was the clicky ragged breathing that was happening under water. I felt like I had to 'work' to inhale. Suck in harder as it were. Just like when you have a cold. So either this is normal, or it's because I actually have a cold. We can all stay tuned for that one.
So one of the first things you learn is how to take your regulator on and off underwater. This one I don't like at all. Not one bit. And this was when it was all controlled and I had my hand on it. Imagine if someone kicked it out of my mouth. I don't see how I wouldn't panic. I need air. I need a constant supply of air. I don't like being cut off from air or possible chance of air with no warning. This makes me panic. Panic is no good when you need to grab hold of your floating regulator, open your mouth (to the water- fuck it, I know you're supposed to be blowing bubbles, but water gets in there and again, call it a natural reaction but my mouth just doesn't want to open) and get that regulator back in, clear it, and start breathing again.
Fuck me. Next week we work on what happens when your air supply goes off. For me this will be the same as having your regulator removed by mistake. I envision total panic. I'm not sure I'm going to make it but we'll see.
Of course the wetsuits provided endless entertainment. I've never worn a wetsuit before and it was a bizarre experience. Getting it on was a huge chore- I'm sure it wasn't sized quite right for me, though it did get on, the legs and arms were slightly long. If every anything has ever made me feel like a sausage in a casing, this had to be it. Go go bondage wetsuit. It did get more comfortable as it adjusted in the water. But it also heated up in the water, and I kept needing to pull at the wrists and neck to let cool water flood my hot little suit.
Last, everyone on my course except me is going someplace sunny and pretty to do their open water dives. One couple is going to the Maldives, another guy is going to Bali and S is going to Corsica. Me, I'm going to a puddle by Heathrow which is apparently so murky you have to follow a pole down as you descend into muck.
And I'm going to have to take my regulator out in this? Fucking hell.
07 September 2008
Pre SCUBA Concerns 1
S and I have now watched the four hours of video required, though I have only read about 1/4 of the book that I should probably read 1/2 by tomorrow. It's okay. I watched the video.
In general, I think I may like scuba- mainly because I love most things water related. I was a lifeguard a lifetime ago, and co-captain of my high school swim team.
However.
I have never liked snorkeling. I have always thought it was pretty much the shit of the shit. Mainly, I hate breathing water. I know, pretty unique. But seriously. Breathing water is a big no-no for me. So there's that. I really don't understand how the water stays out of your mouth with the respirator going in and out. Obviously some water gets in there, so either you drink it or it gets 'blown out'. But I'm dubious about how well it gets blown out. And how do you swallow with that damn thing in your mouth anyway? I'm known for my blow job issues, this just seems like a ridiculous extension.
Next.
There was a whole bit about reverse pressure problems in air spaces. Specifically how you can get it in a tooth that has a cavity. Oh, well, I happen to know for a fact that I have two cavities in my wisdom teeth because I haven't bothered to get them looked at since I went to the dentist who told me so at Easter. Mostly because her advice was to get those wisdom teeth taken out- which I suppose I could do, but I still figured I'd take care of everything back here in the UK. Obviously, I've avoided it. Now I find out I can get expanding air pressure in a cavity.
The only thing I am glad about at the moment is that I bought a bathing suit in Chicago to replace the one that shredded right before I left from elastic corrosion.
Not sure when I'm going to post next- thought first lesson impressions could be fun. Between this and that and everything else, I feel like I'm running around ragged. Bollocks.
In general, I think I may like scuba- mainly because I love most things water related. I was a lifeguard a lifetime ago, and co-captain of my high school swim team.
However.
I have never liked snorkeling. I have always thought it was pretty much the shit of the shit. Mainly, I hate breathing water. I know, pretty unique. But seriously. Breathing water is a big no-no for me. So there's that. I really don't understand how the water stays out of your mouth with the respirator going in and out. Obviously some water gets in there, so either you drink it or it gets 'blown out'. But I'm dubious about how well it gets blown out. And how do you swallow with that damn thing in your mouth anyway? I'm known for my blow job issues, this just seems like a ridiculous extension.
Next.
There was a whole bit about reverse pressure problems in air spaces. Specifically how you can get it in a tooth that has a cavity. Oh, well, I happen to know for a fact that I have two cavities in my wisdom teeth because I haven't bothered to get them looked at since I went to the dentist who told me so at Easter. Mostly because her advice was to get those wisdom teeth taken out- which I suppose I could do, but I still figured I'd take care of everything back here in the UK. Obviously, I've avoided it. Now I find out I can get expanding air pressure in a cavity.
The only thing I am glad about at the moment is that I bought a bathing suit in Chicago to replace the one that shredded right before I left from elastic corrosion.
Not sure when I'm going to post next- thought first lesson impressions could be fun. Between this and that and everything else, I feel like I'm running around ragged. Bollocks.
05 September 2008
Not Really Working
How can you blame me though? It's the one day that I'm at work and it's Friday for crying out loud. This was all badly planned I tell you. Silly, silly me.
So yes, here I am at work, doing pretty much nothing all morning. It's impressive actually, how little I can do sometimes. I got up extra early and went to therapy this morning at 8am. This was to make up for the appointment I missed while being away. Most therapists have this system where they can give you notice that they will be away for some reason and you miss your appointment and you aren't charged for it. However, most therapists will charge you for a missed appointment even if you know you are going to be out of town or on vacation months in advance. This pisses me off generally- I mean, I understand in principle but I think you should be given at least one flex day for just this circumstance. At any rate, I knew I'd miss therapy but I asked if there was another time I could slot in instead. And there was, it just happened to be at 8am this morning. Still, call it the stingy side of me, I'm glad I'm not being made to pay for something I'm not getting the benefit from. So that's alright. Also, I think people just don't ask their therapists if there is an alternate time slot. My theory being, she could see someone while I'm away in my slot- so why not? And it worked.
So back from the family visit. Overall it was alright. Nothing hugely exceptional or of note that I haven't already covered like my driving a car or my dad's comment. It's not quite the same as when I go to visit my mom. This side of my family is more sedentary, and also cheap. So we never really do anything because it requires moving from the sofa and likely spending money. But it was relaxing. And I also got to play Guitar Hero 3 which I have never played before and was instantly reasonable at (at least on the easy setting). So that was tons of fun.
I went to see my grandmother who lives in a home. She's completely senile at this point and even though we were only there for like ten minutes it was tremendously depressing. Not just that the shell that was my grandmother was so depressing, but the amount of people living in this place, multiplied by how many places like that there are state-wide, nationally, globally.... this is what happens when you get old?? My god! It's seriously, seriously fucking depressing. I know she's being taken care of, but I can't see how it resembles anything like a life. Meanwhile my father and his two brothers are handling it in their own unique ways of 'bad' which doesn't really help either.
My family bothered me more than they usually do this visit- which isn't really about them acting any differently than they usually do, but for some reason it grated on me more than it normally does and I'm not really sure why. I'm happy to be home, though it's going to take a day or three to settle back into 'my space'- at the moment I still feel detached from everything.
But the weekend should be good- I'm dropping off my bike to get serviced, I'm going to the market, I'm going with T to look at a bike for her, the rope guy has reappeared, and on Monday I'm taking SCUBA lessons. That's right, I said SCUBA. It's something I've wanted to do forever, and S is going on vacation with her partner who dives so she is getting it done and I'm going to get it done with her. Except while she does her four 'test dives' in someplace warm, I'll be on a bus to somewhere by Heathrow, but that's alright. I'm looking forward to something different and new. Although really, I need to be taking this stupid Life in the UK test asap.
As per usual, when it rains it pours. Still, welcome home me! It's good to be back.
So yes, here I am at work, doing pretty much nothing all morning. It's impressive actually, how little I can do sometimes. I got up extra early and went to therapy this morning at 8am. This was to make up for the appointment I missed while being away. Most therapists have this system where they can give you notice that they will be away for some reason and you miss your appointment and you aren't charged for it. However, most therapists will charge you for a missed appointment even if you know you are going to be out of town or on vacation months in advance. This pisses me off generally- I mean, I understand in principle but I think you should be given at least one flex day for just this circumstance. At any rate, I knew I'd miss therapy but I asked if there was another time I could slot in instead. And there was, it just happened to be at 8am this morning. Still, call it the stingy side of me, I'm glad I'm not being made to pay for something I'm not getting the benefit from. So that's alright. Also, I think people just don't ask their therapists if there is an alternate time slot. My theory being, she could see someone while I'm away in my slot- so why not? And it worked.
So back from the family visit. Overall it was alright. Nothing hugely exceptional or of note that I haven't already covered like my driving a car or my dad's comment. It's not quite the same as when I go to visit my mom. This side of my family is more sedentary, and also cheap. So we never really do anything because it requires moving from the sofa and likely spending money. But it was relaxing. And I also got to play Guitar Hero 3 which I have never played before and was instantly reasonable at (at least on the easy setting). So that was tons of fun.
I went to see my grandmother who lives in a home. She's completely senile at this point and even though we were only there for like ten minutes it was tremendously depressing. Not just that the shell that was my grandmother was so depressing, but the amount of people living in this place, multiplied by how many places like that there are state-wide, nationally, globally.... this is what happens when you get old?? My god! It's seriously, seriously fucking depressing. I know she's being taken care of, but I can't see how it resembles anything like a life. Meanwhile my father and his two brothers are handling it in their own unique ways of 'bad' which doesn't really help either.
My family bothered me more than they usually do this visit- which isn't really about them acting any differently than they usually do, but for some reason it grated on me more than it normally does and I'm not really sure why. I'm happy to be home, though it's going to take a day or three to settle back into 'my space'- at the moment I still feel detached from everything.
But the weekend should be good- I'm dropping off my bike to get serviced, I'm going to the market, I'm going with T to look at a bike for her, the rope guy has reappeared, and on Monday I'm taking SCUBA lessons. That's right, I said SCUBA. It's something I've wanted to do forever, and S is going on vacation with her partner who dives so she is getting it done and I'm going to get it done with her. Except while she does her four 'test dives' in someplace warm, I'll be on a bus to somewhere by Heathrow, but that's alright. I'm looking forward to something different and new. Although really, I need to be taking this stupid Life in the UK test asap.
As per usual, when it rains it pours. Still, welcome home me! It's good to be back.
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