Family Flying Off

After a very busy nine days, my family, or at least some of them, are flying back to the States having been here for nine-ish days. It's been very full on. Mostly fine. My family isn't really into doing anything. Most of their time here was spent sitting on the sofa. But M got to spend time with some of her family, which we are on rather short supply of, and she loved it. So that was good.  It cost me a lot of money, which wasn't so good. I did a sense check in an online forum I frequent and perhaps my expectation wasn't right that guests should pay for their way. But I ended up shelling out a lot for almost all the food to feed three additional adults for two meals a day, plus TDay itself (minus the turkey which my dad covered). But... money makes people nuts. I'm not thrilled it cost me a lot to have a good time with family for a week, but, it is what it is and a good time was had by all. So there you have it.  And we had the extra bonus of it being the first night of Chanukah last night, so we got to celebrate that too which isn't typical but was also very nice.

I was hopeful that things were slowly getting into some sort of normal pattern where Covid was with us but manageable, and then omicron hit the scene. I'm glad the family is headed home today because more restrictions seem inevitable and have already started. I have students coming in two weeks and we have no idea what the situation will be then. Everyone is feeling a bit anxious and that's fair. My booster is scheduled for the 24th of December, so after the students go. If I feel crappy, that's fine seeing as we don't celebrate XMas. I would just like to get it on board.

In the meantime, the nights continue to be longer. The weather is cold. Work is alright. I'm sad that my family is gone. Even though they are a pain in the ass a lot of the time, it was nice to have them around and spend time with them. Especially this side as I haven't seen them for two years. Hopefully we can make it to the States in the summer, but it's so hard to know.

Shabbat shallom y'all

 

One thing I've gotten into the habit of is Friday night dinners.  Being Jewish has always been a fairly low key undertone to my life. There's no real equivalent to American Reformed Jews here in the UK.  On top of which I now live in a fairly small city (150k population). While it's nice and international, the religious communities are small.  My choices are chabad (no) or UK Reform which is more like US Conservative. But if I want my daughter to connect to her Jewish heritage, needs must. So we belong to the local Reform Synagogue, which is fine. And I do my part to increase our activities at hone, hence Shabbat.  

It's also been a great way to connect with my mom, who now has a small retirement flat in the same city and stays here 6 months out of the year. When she's not here, we do video Shabbat together. It's actually turned into a really nice family thing and a way for me to create a religious association where we generally have very few. Judaism is a lot about family- and I'm glad that I've been able to create this tradition. Although obviously contrived because I never really did Shabbat dinner pre-kid. But I'm okay with that.

I've perfected my bread machine challah dough recipe. I make little challah's because we're only two people and I don't eat a lot of bread. So one batch of dough makes 4 little challah- a month worth of Shabbat dinners.  We say all the blessings, but I've yet to introduce more of the 'day of rest' concepts to my daughter. Right now, we just do Friday dinner. That's cool. It's something.  I look forward to it. It makes a nice rhythm to the week.

It would be nice to share it with a bigger community.  This may come in time, there's been talks with some synagogue friends about joined up Shabbat dinners but Friday nights are tough, especially with kids. It's fine.

Anyway, I've made a few playlists of Shabbat music, getting in the spirit. Bread is defrosting on the table (soon to go into the oven) and candles and wine are ready.  Shabbat shalom y'all!

Remember me?

 

It's been a long time. No one I know appears to be blogging anymore. In fact, I very much doubt that most people in general are blogging anymore. Now it's all insta and tiktok. That's fine. I'm old. I can be old school about this.

Once upon a time, I wrote a lot. Journaling was part of my routine. I went from paper journals to blogging. And then it all stopped. I can't really pinpoint the slide. It just happened. And years of my life passed. They've been some great years. I'm a mother now. That's different. I'm still close friends with the guy I had started seeing casually over seven years ago. We're not together- and that's absolutely for the best. But he's very much a part of our lives. No, he's not the dad. My girl's got a doner not a dad don't you know.

We've had a global pandemic. The world turned upside down.

The planetary situation gets worse.

Life goes on.

I am trying to work on myself for a bit. This may mean getting back in touch with writing. We'll see.

I've made a good life for myself. I've got a solid job, and my kid. What I don't have are particularly close friends anymore. I miss that. I've got tons of acquaintances. Lots of general friends. But my best friends have all moved away, become distant, etc. It's hard. I get it. I'm probably not the best at keeping in touch either. It feels like they have new lives and friends.  I guess it's good that I've always been pretty used to being on my own. Not that I'm really on my own, caring for a tiny human. But you know what I mean.

I think I stopped writing because things seemed less important. They say as you get older your emotions tend to flatten. For me I think this has been completely true. I used to care a lot about a lot of things. I used to have strong opinions about pretty much everything. Now, not so much. I mean, if pushed, I certainly have an opinion, but I'm not sure I care like I used to.  Although I'm sure that the people I interact with regularly probably still think I'm fairly opinionated! That's okay. I'm not saying I'm a completely different person. But things change.

It could be my age. It could also be a product of the modern age. Everything on demand. On the phone. Stuff is funny for half a second and you move on.  There definitely hasn't been loads to talk about while stuck at home for two years. In 18 months I didn't go more than 5 miles from my house. That sucked. Raising a kid is tiring. Rewarding, but tiring. I haven't read a book in five years. I keep buying them. I mean, I like books. But when I'll read them, I have no idea.

I don't mean to suggest that things are bad. Mostly the opposite. Things are pretty good. Job is good, family is good. I guess I'm not striving for things like I used to. I'm not sure what my goals are now. Keep doing what I'm doing. Raise my girl. Have some holidays. Eat nice food. I'm lucky. I know I'm tremendously lucky. It's not perfect. I don't have everything I ever dreamed, but my life is good. So I find that I'm content. And unfortunately, content just seems.... boring.

I started on this plan that suggested journaling and gratitude as a way of improving yourself. I don't know if I'm down with gratitude. But I thought I could just start by writing. See what happens. Maybe I'll keep it up, and maybe I'll be gone another seven years. Who knows?

Keeps on spinning

It looks like I actually wrote a few times towards the end of last year and then it looks like I haven't written anything this year at all.  So I suppose this will remedy that.  As per usual with such lapses it means that swathes of my life are going to be left to my own memory which I must admit gets spottier and spottier as I get older.  I used to have a fabulous memory.  In fact I would say an over-active memory.  Nowadays I suppose I just don't think things that are happening of worthy of such intense scrutiny and therefore remembrance.  Funny how things change.

It's my birthday this Saturday and I turn 40.  I, like most humans, like round numbers and things that suggest patterns so of course 40 seems like something meaningful when in fact it is simply the year between 39 and 41.  I've managed to pull together an exciting bunch of celebratory events.  Friday I'll be having dinner with a large group of friends at Bocca di Lupo which I have not yet eaten at but have wanted to for ages.  I expect this to be a lovely and delicious meal that will make me very happy.  The on Sunday I'm off to Corsica with a friend (and another who is coming along later on Wednesday night).  A real proper holiday in a holiday location.  I don't feel prepared for the trip, but then I have all Saturday to pack and sort things out.  I'm good at the last minute packing.

I've been seeing a guy for about a month now.  I feel very strongly that he's not a keeper, but we're having some fun at the moment.  I don't know how long it will last, but for now fun is good.  Although I'm fairly convinced he's been giving me strep throat and is some sort of carrier.  This is due to me getting a sore throat just after getting a horrible sore throat for which I took antibiotics which happened a couple of days after the first time we kissed. Then I finished the antibiotics course, we get together, and sore throat again.  It doesn't take a genius.

I've been working this past year at a good job but it is a sabbatical cover so it ends at the end of the year.  There had been some hope that there would be a way for me to stay on and a few months ago this led to all sorts of stress about the possibility of moving to Cambridge for real and how that would be.  But at the moment it looks like that will not be what happens.  So I'm looking elsewhere.  I've applied for 2 jobs in London, and 1 in Cardiff. I've also got a meeting in just under an hour for an industry job in London although it's not really a formal interview it's a 'conversation', but it is an interview sort of.

----

Back from that.  It was sort of an interview.  It was fine.  We'll see if anything comes out of it.

I'm exhausted.  This is probably from fighting off whatever infection I have.  At least I hope it sort of feels like it's not getting worse.  So that's good.  But I'm still exhausted.

And stressed. I have a lot to do.  Lots for work, lots for holiday.  Just lots to do.  And it's already Wednesday... I'm just not being particularly productive.  This is no good.

I'm sure there is more I could say and I was very motivated to write earlier but now I just feel tired.  The guy is coming over tonight and I'm not enthused about it.  I just want to sleep.  I really can't see him lasting super long at this rate.  Sort of a shame, but I guess the shame is he isn't what I hoped for, not that I want him in particular to last super long.

I don't even thing I'm making sense anymore. 

Until next time.

2014 - All Change

With the new year having turned the corner, I feel like I'm just keeping up.  However, there is no denying that this is a big year for me, with a lot of change and contemplation needing to happen in the next 12 months.

The PhD is coming to the end.  It's not there yet, I'm completely sick of working on it.  But with almost 60,000 words and 250 pages, I'm definitely within sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it still flickers in and out of my view, it's getting clearer, and closer, every day.

This means that this year will see the end of this 4+ year journey and my return to 'real' work.  Although I have no actual offers of any kind on the table, I have a couple of different leads and potential opportunities which are both exciting for different reasons.  The fact is, one does not negate the other, and I'm likely to pursue the one (if it comes through) and hold the other in my pocket.  But thinking about jobs leads me to also consider this next phase of my life.

Which of course makes me think about the whole children issue.  If I want to have a child, then I think I want to start that not this year, but the year after.  That means I need a job which is secure, and where I will have support.  Particularly if I'm going to do this on my own.  I'm nervous about the whole kid thing.  It was a big year last year with all the egg freezing which made me think about it a lot.  I felt sure that I had come to a decision, but it's a scary decision and I still worry that maybe it's not the right choice.  Although when I think about why I think it might not be the right choice I think things like, 'it will be hard', or 'the child might hate me', or 'is it responsible to not have a father-figure'.  And none of these seem like very good reasons, because I think it's hard on everyone, and your child is always going to hate you at some point for something, and while not having a father-figure is certainly not ideal, it happens.  I also note that none of those reasons were, 'I don't really want to be a mother' which I think is probably more important.  Anyway, it's a lot to think about still.  And choices I make this year, will set up decisions for the next year.

In addition, I have 3 friends who will be welcoming new children into their families this year, that I know of, so far.  I suspect there will be more.

I also happen to turn 40 this year which seems like a milestone of some sort.  I haven't decided what I want to do to mark it.  I had some ideas but I've recently changed my mind. Maybe.  The real problem is, is that my mother's birthday is 8 days from mine and as she had me when she turned 30, is also a milestone for her.  My whole life my milestone birthdays have been somewhat overshadowed by hers and this is an instance where I'm not really in the mood to deal with the arguing.  On the other hand, that doesn't seem very nice or generous of me and you know, it's only a birthday.  But, if I wanted to, for example, go on a yoga retreat, I don't think my mom would be up for that.  So that's sort of annoying, but I'm sure in the end it will be fine.

Also this year I've had one friend return to London, and will maybe see the return of another, but I will also have the loss of one.  In fact over the next year and a little bit, I will lose two of my closest friends here (and possibly a third), to places far afield.  So the fact of the matter is, my life as I know it will change in many ways in the next year, across many different fronts. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous about it all.  I mean yes, it's all very exciting in many ways.  But I get nervous about uncertainty.  I don't really embrace it, though I think I'm good at rolling with it.  And in the end, I will make the best of what the options are and life will continue on it's merry way.  One thing is for certain though, it's going to be a big year of change, and I can't even imagine what I'll be writing here next year.

Clarification

Because when I posted the last post, there were three shitty things that had happened and I figured that just about summed it up.

First, I had a paper that I submitted to a journal, that I had already had the abstract accepted for, that a number of people had proof read for me, rejected.

Then this morning I had the retrieval for my egg freezing and they got 3 eggs which was a low number and in fact the lowest of the 3 cycles I've done, and while three his better than one, it was still disappointing and upsetting, especially because I was expecting a minimum of 5.

And when I got home I had email from the guy saying that he just wasn't feeling a spark to date me but you know, he'd like to be friends because we have a good connection.  So let me paraphrase, we have a good mental connection because we've had great email and conversation but what it comes down to is after we met in person he wasn't attracted to me.  He didn't say that, but it's what he meant.

And so I thought I was having a pretty shitty day and a big fuck you to the day seemed appropriate.

But wait, there's more!

Because I was just on the phone with my mother this evening and she starts saying how I've obviously put on weight (I haven't).  And then she says, "Oh, because the most recent pictures of you on facebook made it look like you have."  Thanks.  "Well, I mean those pictures from the two weddings of you were really unflattering."  Thanks.  "I'm sorry, I mean your face just looked really heavy."  Thanks.  "No really I'm sorry, it's just those pictures were really unflattering."

It's 8:45 and I'm going to bed.  I've had enough of today.

How I feel about today

That is all.