Snarkylicious

Busy As Usual

2012-02-18T21:49:00.002Z

That's how things are around here. Not surprising. At least nowadays I'm actually mostly working on my own stuff, which is great. The bad side is how little seems to get done in a day and how time just flies past. It makes me feel like I need to ramp up my efforts at least tenfold. Ah well.

So what exciting things have been happening in my life? It snowed here in the UK two weeks ago. That was nice. Except that no one understands what to do with the snow. It didn't really snow that much- maybe four inches max. However, no one shovels. So it quickly turns to slush and then ice overnight. Treacherous at best. At any rate, it happened to snow just when I needed to go up to Cambridge on my bike. I did it, stupidly turned down a less clear street, was cycling in a wheel track with a car behind me and when I tried to move out of the way to let the car pass, instead managed to fall of my bike in front of the car which promptly stopped. I was fine, and the bike was fine, although I got a wicked bruise on my inner thigh which is still not gone and that's two weeks now. At any rate, I managed to get to where I live, but decided to walk to my office the next day instead of cycle.

Now the snow is all gone- and we're back to the temperate weather of the UK which means it's just a bit above freezing and raining instead. I actually prefer snow, if only people would bother to deal with it.

I had a date with a guy who I will not have a date with again. I've got another guy texting me but I haven't met up with yet. Feeling unmotivated on the guy scene. Oh, don't get me wrong, no less motivated that I'd love to meet someone, but ever so tired of always meeting the wrong ones. Makes me dubious about a good one ever being out there, but it's not like the just come knocking on the door so if you don't ever put yourself out there and try, you most certainly will never get. It's just demoralizing periodically. C'est la vie.

I had family here, I went to a conference in Manchester where I got to present a paper I had accepted. I saw my good friend C and her toddler and husband who I haven't been up to see for almost coming on two years, although she's come down to London and I've seen her here. I could probably say more about these things, but I feel the moment has passed.

One outcome however, was to see some photographs of myself from the conference. I feel fat. Of course, I'm only ten pounds more than I've been the past eight years. But the weight that seemed to appear this time last year and has not gone away is beginning to upset me. So I've decided to work on my eating and am using an on-line calorie counter and phone app to track my food intake. This has worked for quite a few people I know, so I think it's a good thing to try, and I know I tend to overeat at meals, even though I don't really snack. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of this to people I know because I feel like weight loss should be somewhat private. And also I don't want to see this as a 'diet' I want to see it more like a 'life change' on my eating habits to something that is a bit healthier and better for the long term for maintaining a healthier, and thereby lower, weight.

Not broken

2012-01-04T15:26:00.000Z

When you have two hours to do some work, or just fuck it and procrastinate, what do you do? It's abundantly clear what I do. It's honestly a wonder I get anything done at all. Ever.

This is a post that I have been thinking about. Because some topics linger in your head and you examine them from all angles and push them and pull them and spin them about. And sometimes it takes time to understand them properly.

I wrote before about how I thought since Mr Aloof I have not felt any sort of intensity for anyone. I have worried about this, and it's possible indication of any number of things. But then, I was reminded that actually, I did have fairly strong feelings for the Economist. It's just that it never actually properly developed into anything. So I was wrong. I forgot. I glossed it over because it was unfulfilled.

But then I wondered did I have feelings for the Economist because he was the wrong sort of guy? Was the very reason that I felt something for him, because he was unable to commit, not really wanting to be in a relationship, unavailable? So I talked it over with H and the thing is, for the first month and a half or so, I didn't know those things about the Economist. No, we weren't rushing into a mad passionate relationship, but I did believe we were building up to something and gaining ground. Yes, there were possibly some clues that he wasn't what I wanted him to be, but I felt the rush early on. Not because I knew those things about him, but in spite of my learning those things about him.

It's not entirely conclusive to be fair, but I'm going to try and be positive about this because the alternative would be to be very negative about it. I was excited about the Economist. I felt a thrill when I was with him. He interested me in a way that no one had for a while and no one has since. He turned out to be a dud, that's fine. But that doesn't invalidate or taint my initial feelings.

So perhaps I'm not broken after all.

Just (rightfully) picky.

Accounting Time

2011-12-27T11:38:00.001Z

It's that time of year again, the end of it. The beginning of a new one. Time to reflect on the past 365 days- what was wished for and what was actually achieved. It's not quite the end of the month yet, but it's close enough for me to start considering my past year.

In many ways I feel oddly disappointed with this past year. It's not that I haven't achieved things, as I most certainly have, but instead I don't find these things satisfying. So on the plus side, I have been involved in the publication of 3 substantial reports, 3 business marketing summaries, I've had 2 conference papers accepted, and I've managed to do a small amount of my own work.

On the other hand, at this time last year I was thinking about the work I needed to do to begin my PhD work, mainly, that I needed to do Council research and start developing, and then do, my interviews. Now, a year later, I find that I need to do Council research and complete my interviews and that nothing much else by way of my own work has been achieved. On the plus side, because I complained about how much work I was doing for the research program (see the three reports listed above), I have received an additional six months of funding to account for the time lost. And, the reality is, I still have an entire year and a half to finish my PhD on schedule. So without distraction, I may actually be able to complete on time regardless, or close to it. And this new year is truly free of most other obligations leaving it free for me to pursue my own work and writing. So that's good, but you can see how an entire year later, I vaguely feel like I haven't gotten very far at all.

I only had one relationship of note this year, with Mr. English. That was a useful relationship in many ways as it taught me that I am not the sort of person to settle. Alternately, I feel strongly that I am willing to compromise in many ways, but there is also something that is 'too much'. Mr. English was 'too much'. And I do not have the personality or inclination to give up that much of myself just to have a relationship. The result of this was not to feel very positive about relationships however, and I find I am in a down turn about the entire subject at the moment. Forever knowing that I'm not unhappy with my life, but that I would really like to be able to share it with someone, and doubting that it will ever happen.

Friendships this year have been good. No major bust-ups or issues. Although I feel that there is growing distance between me and some of my friends as their lives go in other directions or take up significant portions of their attention. For the first time in a long time, I think most of my friends are in serious relationships and not single. This relates to the previous paragraph and again makes me feel in many ways like I am 'falling behind' in some way, but that is just how I feel, not particularly indicative of anything. A lot of friends having babies, or trying to have babies, or trying to and not having babies. That's also interesting and also makes me feel in many ways left out. Although it doesn't make me feel desperate for a baby, it honestly just makes me feel left out. Perhaps not the best incentive for reproduction.

My parents are much the same which is just as well. As they get older, I worry about them. And by extension, I worry about me and how I will cope with thins when they are not okay. I wish I had better relationships with my parents, but I know that I can't make them be people they are not, and that you are pretty much stuck with who they are. I'm glad that the relationship I do have with them both is better than what other people have with their parents. I'm thankful that I still have both of my parents when other people do not. It's impossible to be too upset about family things. My family is pretty good as far as families go. And that's what's important.

Anything else important about this year? I can't think of much. It seems in many ways unmemorable. Next year should be a big deal. At least, there's a shitload of things to take care of, and it looks like it's going to be a busy one. That's good. I'm starting the third year of my PhD now, it's time to get this thing finished. In many ways I'm enjoying this 'break' from the real world and having time to myself, but I miss the structure and accomplishment of having a job and actually getting real things done. I prefer action over research and while I'm going to be thrilled beyond belief when I actually complete my PhD, I also know I'm very much going to enjoy getting back to 'real' work. Not to mention a real salary!

Enough catching up for now. There are more mundane things I could record here and complain about. But another time I think.

Intensity

2011-11-09T17:41:00.001Z

This is what has been on my mind. It may have pushed me to reaching out to the girl. It is possible that these thoughts were stirred by her words, because they validate in some ways what I felt, though her experience and way of processing things was and probably is very different to mine.

Although I have beyond zero interest in ever remotely even considering anything further with Mr.Aloof, when I look at old emails, I notice something about myself. In part, I suppose that I was crazy to put up with the dribbles that he sent me. But more the intensity that I had when reaching out to him. The intensity that he, for better or for worse, inspired within me.

It took me a long time to identify it as love. And then even longer to think that it was something else entirely.

The thing is, although I have dated since Mr.Aloof, and that includes two reasonably timed relationships, one with Heathrow and another with Mr.English, as well as the dalliances with the Git, the Economist, and the Jackrabbit, I have not felt anything close to that intensity for anyone since. I have also not been in love with anyone since. I realize these two thoughts are not necessarily linked, but you can see why I might feel inclined to lump them together.

I partner this with a conversation I had recently with some people from my research center where we were talking about our Meyers Briggs and a colleague expressed surprise that I am INTJ. In particular she thought the 'I' should be an 'E' and I assured here that of all of them, that was probably the most stable and then another colleague piped up that, yes, although you may know me, how much do you really know about me? Suggesting that although I am social and engaging I am actually somewhat secretive.

Now this is sort of funny because one of the last things I consider myself to be is somewhat secretive. But I do tend not to blurt out stuff about myself to groups. Most of my relationships are one to one (hence the 'I') or in smaller intimate groups. Then I started thinking about this further. Am I so difficult to get to know? Am I so unfriendly or uninviting? And then, because I'm a silly girl, if I'm that hard to get to know, then clearly I'm never going to find a boyfriend.

What was it about Mr.Aloof that encouraged me to open up to him? Not his reciprocal nature, that's for sure. I believe in part, it had to do with the total intensity of the brief times we shared together. When you feel like you really transcend experience with someone and that they are there with you on some other plane of reality, then I suppose it's fairly easy to talk about everything else. Although, I remember being reticent to tell him how I felt sometimes because I feared it would drive him away.

So even those memories aren't quite right.

I can't entirely capture what I want to say about this. Although Mr.Aloof was a complete and utter bastard, we shared something that was incredibly powerful. It was probably not love, but it was something, and it marked me. Now, I date new people. I try to balance not having someone be a total dick to me but still wanting to experience some of those thrills and highs that I had with him. Primarily founded in my sexual proclivities. I have not found anyone like this at all.

This young girl by the way, she has. She took a different path, but then, she's a very different person. And much younger than me. I was never like her, even when I was her age. I think it will be interesting to meet her, and while it will be useful in some ways, it will cause me much to think about introspectively in others. Because I read her blog, and part of me doesn't believe entirely in what she has anymore. Not that I don't believe that she has it, but I see what she has, and I don't want that either.

I fear what I want doesn't exist sometimes. And I fear that I will never -feel- again, and to the depth for another human being that I have now experienced. I am probably wrong in this. But until life shows me otherwise, then what have I got?

Digging and Filling

2011-11-08T21:30:00.001Z

There is no good way to write this post. But I need to record it. The end result is good I think. Confusing in some ways, but good.

When to start. In 2006? Last month? How about with the basic facts. I stalk people. People I used to know. People I may have never met. People who crossed my path for some reason at some point and piqued my interest. At the time, I found them, and then, I find it hard to let them go. Some people I stalk irregularly, and others more often. Mostly it depends on how much effort it takes.

The fallout of three years wasted with Mr.Aloof is that there are a couple of profiles I follow from moments of revelation with him. This is about the first. The first one I knew about. The one who seemed to have the things I wanted. The one who wrote about things that I had had as if they were hers. I hated her then. I confronted him. He encouraged my feelings by filling in details of her craziness and obsessiveness. She continued to pursue him while he was pursuing me, and Toy. I distinctly remember that I practically begged him that he never invite her to any of the activities he planned because I didn't think I would be able to handle meeting her.

How well my own fears and hurts played into his hands.

It's now over four years from then. I've continued to follow this girl. She was infrequent, not overly interesting. And as it was so long ago, and also, as so many awful things happened after her, it didn't really matter. It was habit.

So it was equally habit when a month ago she started a tumblr blog, I just clicked and started following that too.

It was interesting. Of course tumblr is mostly for images, and the image she posted are ones I enjoy. But she also was writing. Giving me extra glimpses of that time. Of things that I didn't understand. One of the perks of stalking. She has a new partner now and he has a tumblr too. I followed his as well for good measure, again, don't get me wrong, there's a reasonable overlap of interests, and enough reasons to look at the blogs, even without the extra connections. But still, the real gold for me was the nuggets I learned.

But then slowly, the things I started to learn upset me. And some of the images I saw being posted were ones I had sent to Mr.Aloof. And suddenly, I wanted this girl to know about me. I wanted her to know some of the things he said about her, because it didn't match what she was posting on her blog. I wanted her to know some of those photos were mine. Some of those words were mine. Those items were mine. Or rather, mine first.

I have no idea what drove me to do what I did. I tried to work out a way to contact her anonymously but it didn't really work. So I made a tumblr. I used his old emails to me to make a very succinct but clear story to show that I wasn't crazy. I included a blog I had on IC about the day I found out about her. Then, I used that tumblr to follow her blog. I figured there was a small chance she wouldn't check the blog. Then I saw that she was on IC and I realized that since I'd copied a post, it would be easy to find me directly. All that effort for nothing. But, it wasn't for nothing. I was still torn and unsure. I needed to make it difficult. To see if it was really worth it.

And she contacted me almost in a panic. That it was Mr.Aloof fucking around with her. I quickly assured her it was not so. But that I needed to know, and I needed her to know. I wanted some clarity, and I felt perhaps I could give her some as well.

We've had a frantic 24 hours of message exchange.

I am still a bit in shock about the things I learned. When Mr.Aloof split with me in May 2006, he'd already been seeing her since January. The reason he split with me, was not to be alone and because he had no time as he suggested, but because she was moving in to the warehouse. And then, they moved in to a flat in Croydon together. When I found out about her, a week after he and I had hooked up, he was actually living with this woman. And then subsequently telling me she was nothing and not anyone of consequence. She was in Dorking around the same time I was, albeit only once. But even in 2007, as I got back with him and with Toy for yet another year of my life, and all of it was so much drama, he was pursuing her.

And the maid. And others.

She told me of the others. She asks did I know them? Did I know of the others? Jesus, how many were there? No wonder the man had no time at all.

But the icing on the cake. Guess what he called her in 2006 and throughout their time together as a way to goad her? You'll never guess. He called her... Ms.Aloof. I shit you not. I was tempted to send her here, to this blog, to prove I couldn't make this stuff up.

I might meet this girl for a coffee. We were both a bit overwhelmed by my actions and subsequent revelations. She knows more things that might help fill gaps as do I. I find with this level of exposure it has the knock on effect of being some kind of relief. I've known these things for so long, but I didn't really have anyone who understood completely. She understands because she experienced it. It's amazing in a way, to validate that I'm not crazy or making this shit up. Because she understands the lows, but she also understands the highs. And I don't think almost anyone I know really understands what it's like to be so overcome by someone so masterful in the arenas that I wander.

Fuck. I have her emails saved. And she's written it up in her tumblr. I don't need to record all the detail here, I just needed to record something. I have more to say on this in another post. Which is probably related to why I spontaneously decided to reach out to her now. But that will have to be for another time. This post is for this.

Mr.Aloof was, and probably still is, a fucking sociopath. I can't possibly explain what this small bit of revelation has done for me. The good thing, is that I can see how far I've come. And, post therapy, and possibly even without, I can guarantee I will never, ever fall for something like that ever again.

Perspective

2011-10-31T12:27:00.000Z

I have a short break in my work mania. I've handed off the draft report to three reviewers for feedback. I should be getting it back in the next couple of days, and then I will be working like a crazy person again to make all the final changes and get it ready for the big event on November 15th.

But right now, I have a break. I haven't done much. I had ideas that I would do things but mostly I sat around my flat in a stupor. I talked to my mom for a few hours. I watched television. I read at least two books on my Kindle. I did a single load of laundry. But really, I did not much of anything. Today I should have gone in to my office space, and I got up and got dressed as if I was going on. But then I puttered around and somehow it's past noon and I'm clearly not going in. But I don't really have anything to do there. So why should I? Instead I'm meeting T for lunch which should be good, and I need to go to that in about fifteen minutes.

But in the meantime, I'm here. Thinking about perspective and how people really should try to have it more often. I guess I should try to have it sometimes. I was talking to my mom about life things and we were saying that really, when it comes to work and my professional life, I've been very lucky. Not lucky in the sense that I've made a lot of money (because I haven't) but lucky in that I found a career path that I'm good at and that I enjoy and that makes me happy. That even when things were up in the air or unsure, I always seem to come out on top when it comes to work. I know a lot of people who don't enjoy what they do, or haven't had luck at work. And I can't say that's been me. I've been very lucky in that regard.

And I've been very lucky in my living spaces. I live in a city I love. I've lived in many cities and had lots of great living experiences. Again, others have not been so lucky in this area. I can't complain.

The one area I've not been lucky is relationships. Although I've grown significantly and I think I'm a much happier person in this area, I still don't have that someone special. My mother told me that my relatives (on her side) think I'm a lesbian. That was nice. If I was a lesbian, I'd probably have a frigging relationship. Also, I would not feel any need to hide this from my family. But no, no luck with relationships.

But my perspective should be a little bit better than it is sometimes. Because in two major areas of life, I've got a pretty good thing going. And even my relationship in terms of the one I've developed with myself, is much better as well. So in the big big picture, things really aren't all that awful.

This is particularly on my mind at the moment because I have a friend who has pretty much lost the plot and could use some perspective. I think she's mad at me because I said in a tiny little paragraph something to this effect although I did my best to phrase it in the nicest way possible. Life isn't fair you know. So you need to count your blessings where you have them, and not take things that you have for granted because I guarantee out of all the friends I have, if you think "Oh poor me" then I promise you your shit could be a whole lot worse. I'm not saying anything quite so insensitive as 'get over it' but some perspective would not be amiss.

Just Hanging On

2011-10-22T18:56:00.003+01:00

I don't know what I wrote about last time. I feel very much adrift at the moment, trying to get this report together. It's coming together, but it's all haphazard. And on top of everything else, I have been sick this week- first cold of the season. So I spent at least two days, but probably more like three, slightly delirious and feverish and I would be hard pressed to tell you everything I did in those days, although I know that part of it included needing to go to Cambridge and having to cycle to Tottenham Hale station because my local station had no trains and all the while as I cycled through London I was thinking, really, this isn't the best idea given that I'm fucking sick!!

But I made it through. Did what I needed to do. Have been working relatively diligently. It's coming together but I'm sort of afraid if anyone were to lift up that thin facade, they'd be presented with the total wreck that lies underneath. I have no confidence that the work I'm doing right now is what it should be. In fact, I know that it isn't. What I'm trying to do is write a report that is supposed to be the result of a three year research program. What research? There hasn't been any bloody research. Me and the other PhD, we're pulling all this shit together on a shoestring and by an hourglass. I think the worst part, is that from the little that I'm scraping together, I can see that actually- actually, there is real potential in this work. There is actually something interesting and potentially important within it. But it's never going to be looked at again. It's not going to be used or investigated properly.

But it doesn't matter. I just need to get it done. At least now my cold is receding although I'm terrified that I'm going to be left with the obligatory cough that won't go away. I have six days to finish off the first draft before it gets sent off to those who will rip it apart. Then I have just a scant few days to make any changes, get it out again, and have it all ready for the big event. The big event is scheduled for November 15. If we can pull this shit together, if we can really do it, then after that date I am free of all of this work for my research program. Then the only thing that I will have left to do for the next year and a half (plus an additional six month overrun if necessary) is my own fucking work. I can't tell you what a relief that will be, but I also can't explain how much I have disliked this particular exercise. Which sort of sucks because it's just like writing a PhD. So I'm wasting my energy and interest on this bullshit when really I need to save that up for my own big job. I'm sure it will be fine and after this work is done, I will take a small mental break and then be much much happier about life. But I'm not there yet, so for now it's all just postulating.

In other news, I've been depressed about the dating situation or lack thereof. Of course it's not that I have any time for dating. But still, I'm feeling particularly down about it at the moment. Maybe I'm just not cut out for long term relationships. I've never had one. For some reason as time goes on it just seems less and less likely. I mean, I know that's not exactly true. And it's important that I'm not trying to blame myself in this. It's just fucking depressing is all. I don't have loads more to say about it that I haven't said before. I just think that the odds of my ever finding someone who I love and who loves me back is minimal.

Right. I need to go get my dinner out of the oven. As I'm going to Cambridge tomorrow, I have nothing in particular to make a good dinner out of, so I've roasted up some sweet potatoes and made some rice to go with it. Not particularly exciting but at least it's warm and moderately healthy. Much better than the Doritos and nacho cheese dip that was my second choice.

Reboot

2011-10-05T14:45:00.003+01:00

I'm having one of those days where I just need to recover. I have one very large and massive thing yet to accomplish which will take the entirety of the rest of this month. In addition I have two smaller things which are mostly complete but are not actually complete and will probably need some revision yet. I can just about see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe.

Yesterday I got off to my supervisor my first draft of my conference paper. I felt like it was probably pretty poor. I mean, it's not poor, but it's not very well structured. A bit all over the place. I have been working on it straight for five days. That included all weekend where we had some of the best weather ever. What was I doing? I was inside working on this fucking paper.

But I got it off. So that's good. It's in a format that is at least most of the way there, even if there are major sorts of revisions. I don't care. That's easier than writing it to begin with. So today I should have jumped right in and started on my next massive report. But I can't find the motivation and it's very hard to just switch your brain around like that. I try to focus on one topic which means remembering all sorts of references and details about it. And now I need to switch to an entirely different research topic which means I need to get all into it and re-familiarize myself with all of those references as opposed to the ones that are currently in my head.

So basically today I am not being productive at all and although I'm at my industrial partner's office I'm having a self imposed break in order to give my brain a chance to prepare for the next big task. To be fair, I will end up with a week more than what I thought I had at this rate anyway, and while I believe that I will absolutely need that entire week, I'm still a little bit ahead of the game, so I think it's okay to take a day off.

That's what the hare thought too, huh? Whatever.

Life is otherwise not all that interesting. I had a first meeting date with a guy off a dating website. I wasn't sure about him. Too many differences I think. Maybe I'm just not in the right sort of place to be dating. It does seem to come in cycles. I'm in a very down cycle about the whole thing again. It's better to not push myself in which case. I just have too much stuff going on that I have very little patience for things that aren't right or aren't making me happy.

Alternately, I have loads of patience and squeezed in time for people that do make me happy, seeing as how social activities and friendships are probably the only thing that gets me through these fucking tedious days. Oh and next week, we can also say that chocolate will be helping as well, seeing as it's the chocolate unwrapped thing I went to last year where you could eat your weight in chocolate for all under a tenner. Good deal. See, as long as I have things to look forward to, I can handle this.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Am I Halfway Yet?

2011-09-26T14:54:00.000+01:00

I don't really understand this new blogger format and it's been fucking with my writing and posts. This type looks too small, but the next size looks too big. It also keeps putting super sized breaks between lines which is annoying as fuck. Jesus. Between blogger and facebook some bunch of engineering idiots need to just leave the shit alone and go do something better with their time. Like discovering new no carbon energy sources or something. Maybe what I should do is write everything first and then change the type second. Anyway, this is all besides the point.

Life has been very busy lately. Far businer than it has any business being. It's mostly all good stuff, but it's ridiculous. I wrote about going camping. I wrote about September 11th. So now it's the 26th. Since my last post I have been to Italy to present a paper at a conference, I have been to Oxford to present a poster at a conference. I have been back and forth to Cambridge on a single day to meet with three new students that I am Director of Studies for. I have had my friend S from Africa visiting for a week so have been going out for some very social dinners. I had another colleague from Cambridge stay over. I met up with an ex colleague from Baltimore for dinner. I had two more research interviews which involved my traveling around London. I think that might be everything. It probably isn't.

I've been very stressed but managing it reasonably well. I still have a lot to do however. This is why I wonder at what point I am in this work-load continuum. I am chairing a meeting tomorrow at which I am also making a short presentation about my work. I need to write a first draft of another conference paper hopefully by the end of this week. I need to follow up with my research interviews that I have not yet had yet and I need to follow up with the ones I just had and said I would follow up with. I need to chase my industrial partner for their feedback on the latest 'Think Piece'. I need to chase my fellow PhD A for his contributions to the second research paper so I can do my part of that as well. There is other stuff to do as well like figure out where the hell I misplaced my ticket and fine receipt for not having my student card on me on the train to Gatwick, write some new blog posts for the other blog which are now stacking up, and also do my taxes for last year. I should do this one in particular- they owe me money back.

I think I am managing all of this alright because a lot of it is fun mixed up with all the shit I 'have' to do and is therefore less fun. I am enjoying seeing people and going out and doing things. But it is tiring. I figure my current level of effort and energy is going to be required through about mid November. At which point I'll have about two weeks of rest before I go to the States. Fucking hell.

Still, I'm not really complaining. It is mostly good stuff. There is some petty bullshit going on- particularly surrounding my supervisor. But this seems to be impacting me slightly less personally at the moment so I'm trying to keep it all that way.

I suppose the only other thing that I need to try and do is to keep on getting out there on the dating scene. I had one date as well in the past couple of weeks, but nothing came of it. No biggie. Now, back to work!

Grief

2011-09-11T12:12:00.001+01:00

I feel uneasy about memorials. In particular I feel uneasy when people are swept up with grief that is not their own. When they seem to almost prey on and amplify the true grief of others. Does it help? I think sometimes I find it vulgar. But grief does need to be expressed and shared. I guess I just think it's important to try and remember your place in it. Even within overwhelming grief, you still have a place. It helps to ground you. Give you strength. Helps you bear it.

Significantly to me however, if you don't belong in the center of it, you really just shouldn't be there. I don't belong in the center of any grief or memorials about 9/11. It was a horrible day which turned into a terrible week which led to a disastrous war and helped to continue to divide a country that was already divided, even when everyone spoke of unity.

I was far away from anything significant on the day itself. I was in St. Louis. I remember waking up to my radio alarm. I remember distinctly that Molly Ivins had a piece on NPR which was hilarious and poked fun and George W. I remember thinking that I was going to have to find it online to play for people later.

It wasn't a great day for me to start out with. I had a flight scheduled for that afternoon. My design studio was going to fly to London to look at some projects and have various lectures and things. I was feeling very nervous about the flight- like I always do. It had been many years since I had done such a long flight. I had already been to the doctors and gotten sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication. I was just in the process of having my phobia properly diagnosed and the symptoms treated. It wasn't a good day for me.

I remember I got a phone call. It was probably around 8 my time, 9 east coast time. It was my friend JF. It was unusual for him to be calling me. He practically begged me not to turn on the news that day. I understood his concern instantly as most of my friends are aware of my phobia. "There's been a plane crash." I said to him, it wasn't really a question because I knew there was no other reason for the warning on that day. He admitted there was. I told him there was no way I would be able not to look at the news. He told me a plane had crashed into the World Trade Towers. I didn't understand. I told him I had to go, I turned on the news.

I hitting the first tower. How it came at it with speed and seemed to just be absorbed by the building. First there was a plane, and then there just wasn't. It didn't seem possible. And somehow the building was still standing. No one knew what was going on. I can't remember if a second plane hit the second tower before I left to go to class. See, I had a 9am class to get to. It didn't seem real. My mom lives in Brooklyn but she works from home. I figured she was fine. I went to school.

I got to class. Most people just rolled out of bed and dragged themselves to class. Not morning people, most people had not looked at any news. Cell phones were still 'special' and not as commonly used as they are now. I know I didn't have one. Anyway, the phone lines went all funny that day. It was hard to reach people. I remember going to class in a daze. To be honest, I was mostly thinking about my flight later. About the rising panic I felt. I got to class and asked some people if they had seen the news. No one had. Maybe someone said they thought they heard something. The professor came. We had class.

By the time we got out of class the world had changed. No one thought to stop the class. No one knew anything until we left the classroom. The halls were in chaos. The Associate Dean was standing in the central hall at the crossroads of the entrances to the building and trying to tell people that classes were cancelled, that counseling and assistance were available. That more information would be available as it was known. I bypassed this madness and made my way to my friend who was the Associate Dean's PA. At this point, I was about to have a phobic breakdown about my flight. I didn't see how it was possible that I could get on a flight later. I was verging on hysterical. I heard something about planes crashing in DC- into the Pentagon. I thought I was going to lose it completely. I found S. I was crying. I was terrified. She assured me that there was no way our flight was leaving later. She said all flights were grounded. She updated me as to what had happened. Had the towers fallen by then? There was a television set up. All of the news stations just kept cycling through the only images they had. I stayed there with her for a while. At some point I realized I had to call my parents. Classes were cancelled. Flights were cancelled. I didn't know what to do. I think I went home.

I managed to call my mother. She was fine and at home but frightened and manic. Her type of panic is the kind I don't like. She takes it all in. She makes it about her. I couldn't keep talking to her because it was going to make me angry. I was happy that she was safe. I think I called my dad. Or maybe he called me. He was also fine. He doesn't live far from the Pentagon at all. He heard the plane and possibly the explosion. He said you could tell something was wrong. It was too loud, it was too low. But he was safe.

Like I said, phone lines went funny. It was hard to get in touch with people. No one knew what to do. I think I was at home. I don't even remember. Just watching the news. Waiting for scraps of any new information. Horrified by all the new images that would come out in a steady trickle. Feeling impotent and useless, not knowing at all what to do with the scale of the horror presented to me, but knowing that I was safe. Although at that time, no one was sure that they were safe. You had no clue if something else big was about to happen.

We all know what happened. Three weeks later I did fly to London. That was weird. But by then everything had changed. We had learned what had happened. We were learning how to move on. Of course being from NYC, I was worried that I might know someone. Many people I know have stories that are far more graphic and frightening. But my personal link to the tragedy was not one that I expected. It turns out that the person I knew who died in the towers was not someone I knew from NY but rather someone I knew from the University of Virginia. Douglas Ketcham I don't remember how I found out that he had been a victim of the attacks. Probably from E. And then I felt bad because Doug and I had never been close. I knew him but I didn't. Part of me wished that I had somehow done more to be a better friend, knowing what would befall him later. But you can't change the past.

But it's weird. I remember Doug and Matt joining my portal at Monroe Hill (a residential college we all lived in). Doug and Matt were a funny pair. They were friends from before. Both deeply religious. I can't say I understood them all that well. They both ended up pledging at my service fraternity, Alpha Phi Omega. So Doug was my brother. We must have worked side by side on many a Saturday morning. We would have attended many meetings together on Wednesday nights and clasped hands and sang of brotherhood. I remember that they use to play card games down in his and Matt's rooms. I was down there a few times. Not many. The truth is, I didn't know him well. We never bonded. I interacted with him probably on a daily basis for one year- or was it two? But all he ever was to me was an acquaintance, not really a friend.

But he was real and there and I know that he had very good friends amongst my friends. He was a living breathing person with his whole life ahead of him. And then he got lost in a national tragedy, with so many others.

So ten years have passed and life moves on. I've been to visit the WTC site. It looks so small in some ways. It's hard to remember the buildings that were once there- how did their enormity fit in such a small space? I remember eating at Windows on the World with my mother and my aunt. I remember looking down on the city from the restaurant. That helicopters flew beneath us. It reminds me that my aunt died before 9/11 ever happened. That tragedy- personal tragedy- happens every day in every way to many people. That the grief of a nation is just the same as the grief of a mother or sister or a niece. It doesn't negate personal grief or loss. I don't know how those people feel whose grief has been 'taken' by a nation. Do they resent it? Do they struggle to move on? It's hard enough to move on under normal circumstances. In a very Jewish way, my grief is much more for those who are left behind. For those whose lives have been irreversibly altered. Who have not been able to move forward from this moment.

I am glad I am not in America today. I would struggle with the overwhelming packaged grief that will be foisted on every person in the country. But I am sad that I am not in America today. Because I am an American and my countries mourning, is also my own. So I will mourn in my own private way. It's impossible to ever forget such a day or such a thing. And that is just for me- someone who was far away, and who was barely touched personally. It's still terrible. Senseless. Horrifying. I don't need video replay to remind me. I don't need all the moments of silence or the names being read out. How can anyone possibly forget such a thing? But I do think it's important to remember who your grief is for. And your place in it.

Or at any rate, that's my way of dealing with it.

Oops There Goes Gravity

2011-08-29T16:49:00.004+01:00

So I'm back from my holiday. What a glorious holiday it was. Who knew that the North Norfolk coast was that fucking beautiful? I mean seriously? Miles of sandy beaches. Shallow and cool but not freezing water. Seals. Seafood. Charming vernacular architecture. Beautiful stately homes. The biggest hat shop I think I've ever seen.

That photo is from my first day. R and I cycled from our campsite to the beach. This is what we found. It was about a 5 mile cycle. Not too difficult, but enough to make you feel like you worked for it. The following day I did an off-road cycle to a different part of the beach with H and her horse. That was more challenging, but mostly because I was proper off roading, and being followed by a horse.

The weather was mostly good the entire time. Only on the last couple of days did we get rain. Luckily there was still plenty to do- like eat at Cookie's crab shack and go visit Sandringham and visit the national lavender collection. This is a part of the country I would happily go back and visit. In fact, I'd work to get my drivers license just so I could go on my own and not be reliant on anyone else. Really wonderful.

Of course now I'm back. And in Cambridge. I had about 24 hours at home before I had to get all my things in order and head out the door. It's not so bad now that I'm here, but I wasn't thrilled to spend so little time at home. Luckily I think I managed to do most of my laundry. I have a huge list of things that must be accomplished this week. I have vaguely managed to accomplish one big one today- one that I was supposed to do before I left and before all the shit with A kicked off. The meeting surrounding that bullshit is tomorrow morning at 10am. This means I need to send an email out in the hopes that I can pass off one of the other things I absolutely must take care of tomorrow. Unfortunately it involves a poster that is currently located at my industrial partner's office in London and somehow getting it in the post to Oxford. If I can't get someone there to help me, it means I'll have to pay to reprint it here and find a place to send it from. I really hope I can pass this off to someone in London. But tricky as I'll be in meetings all morning so how can I know if it's being done or not? Ugh.

I am incredibly cranky about (school)work stuff at the moment. I'm particularly annoyed at my supervisor but recognize that I can't really go off on one to her as she needs to continue to be my supervisor into the future but at this point I am really disappointed in her. I think she has overly slacked on some of her responsibilities and I'm just beyond done with being asked to pick any of them up. We'll see how tomorrow goes. Wish I had a tranquilizer of some sort I could take in advance. I think I'm going to be so tightly wound that any little thing will make me snap. Not a good position to be in.

In the meantime the only other bad thing that happened is that while I was away my email box filled up so I have no idea what was sent to me that I missed. And I am missing some very important things. So I've sent some chasing emails after some of that, but it's frustrating. Who the hell has email limits these days anyway? Especially for email you pay for. Ridiculous. I have bigger storage with my free email, it's just a massive pain to change everything over at this point- I've had the same primary email address for well over 15 years now.

I feel like my brain is working in overtime. I've been concentrating very well today in general which means I'm not concentrating now at all. A million different thoughts all flying past at a mile a minute.

Have I mentioned the new Hackney Picturehouse opening up? I am so excited to have a 4 screen cinema which is basically going to be less than a 10 minute walk from my house. I signed up to become a founding member which got me some free tickets and discounts on tickets and food for the first 15 months. Supposed to be opening in just a few months- I can see that I'll be making a lot fewer trips to Islington. As long as they take the orange Wednesday discount. T and I have our every other week date of course!

Right. Enough rambling. I need to whiz out an email and then get to a grocery store. Although I had an all you could eat dim sum lunch for twelve quid that was awesome. I really can't envision dinner at this moment and it's already 5pm.

Chain of Command

2011-08-19T20:54:00.003+01:00

Today has not been a good day. My birthday on Tuesday, was fabulous. Really, it might have been the best birthday I ever had. I had over 20 people come and celebrate with me. I felt loved and special and happy. This week has also been pretty good. My cousin was visiting me from Chicago. He's 18 and just about to start college. We went around doing tourist type things and got to know each other better as adults. I also let him in on a few family secrets. Not on purpose- it just didn't occur to me that he didn't know these things. Oops. But it was lovely. Lovely and fun.

Today however, has been awful. I got into a heated debate with A, the other PhD student. Occasionally he and I end up in these arguments that are really awful. We haven't had one for a while. It may have even been better that it was by email instead of in person. In person these things have had the tendency to drag on for hours of circuitous repetition. Email was more sharp, but also more to the point. The last time we had one of these arguments I came to the conclusion that the only reason we have them is because we are trying to decide something that is not our job to decide. This time was no different.

See, A and I are the only people working with our industrial partner under AC. AC is the Research Manager. That is her job. She took over this job from the previous research manager who didn't do all that good a job at building a dialogue with the client. He did an excellent job on the research however. AC has been very much the opposite. She's spent all her energy networking but really is not very involved in the actual research. The project really needs someone who is more balanced.

So today the argument fell into the pattern of all the past arguments. A and I did not agree. He tries to convince me he's right, I try to convince him I'm right. And then... the argument just grows circular. We both tend to dig in. There isn't going to be a resolution when you really don't agree with the other person. And, although I think that I'm right, I can see that in the wacky world of research and academia, we could both be right, it really just depends on the research direction. And, critically, on the Research Managers decision. Which we never have. Because AC is never around or available and even when she is, she's very much 'hand's off' the research. And in times like these, it is particularly unhelpful.

So today has been a shitty day. I got angry and said some snippy things. I didn't use profanity but I was aggressive. I also note that if I was a guy, it wouldn't be nearly so heinous to be aggressive, but because I'm a woman- oh no. Can't do that. Aggressive just means bitchy. So I'm doubly angry. Angry about the whole argument, and angry that I'm probably going to come out looking bad. Fuck it. I was never meant to be a politician. I do know that this level of tact is beyond me. I just get too angry, too frustrated, and too wound up. I'm not interested in sitting back while someone continues to attack me. I'm perfectly fine standing up for myself, even though I realize this often backfires in outward appearance.

So now I'm just incredibly stressed. This argument means that work on the research paper that is due in early November has ground to a halt. I can't possibly even think about working on it until mid October. It's unclear if A is going to work on it any more at all. This will now necessitate further meetings with the entire team in order to talk about what we are going to do. Part of this will require us to bring AC up to speed- if she can even be bothered to get that involved, because we will be unable to make a decision without her. All of this takes time I don't fucking have right now. I'm stressed enough as it is.

I'm about to go on holiday tomorrow for a week. I can barely stand the thought- because I know that things will be going on this week and I need to be available. And I am not going to be available. I've checked with H that I can use her phone in order to check my email once a day. It was that or go buy an internet dongle and bring my computer with me. I'd like to avoid that. I'd like a week without my computer. But I have so much work to do.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and do some of it. The stuff that I intended to do today except that I ended up spending hours arguing with A over email instead. I thought I was getting on top of everything I needed to do and now I feel very much behind. So fucking stressed. I really hope I can relax at least a little bit next week. I really need it.

Foursome?

2011-08-14T12:06:00.004+01:00

Recently, I had an opportunity to see the other couple. They have been married now about two years, and are about a month away from having a baby. We haven't messed around for a while. Let me think. Last time we messed around they were just at 8 weeks pregnant, and I really only messed around with him. I remember this because I was over there and I asked if they were pregnant and they said 'no' and then a couple days later they called to tell me they were, in fact, pregnant but didn't want to say until after the scan.

At any rate, I saw them recently. For the baby shower. Which is one month before their due date. I feel somewhat guilty about this because it happens to be the same weekend I broke up with Mr English. I fear this makes me a bad person, but then, there are any number of things wrong with how it all played out. For starters, I never ever told Mr English about my more colorful past- or rather, I alluded to some of it and he never asked. So it wasn't something I talked to him about. Had I not been on the verge of splitting with him, I would never have done what I did. I don't think. No, I wouldn't have. I think the fact that I stuck around, that what happened, happened, was symptomatic of what I already knew. And I think I would not have done it unless I was absolutely going to end things with him immediately. But I feel the need to say up front that it doesn't make me feel overly splendid about myself. Anyway. That's not the part I want to focus on.

So I hung around after the baby shower. We talked about life and things in general. I talked with them about Mr English and how I felt about it. And about relationships in general and how I didn't really want casual messing about any more. So I suppose it's only funny how I ended up in bed with them. It all started as we were talking about the pregnancy and about perineal massage. She is a fairly petite girl and at 8 months is already huge, only expecting to get huger. And she's afraid, I think, as any sane woman would be, of the experience of giving birth. And of tearing. So this perineal massage is supposed to help prepare your delicate areas for the stretching they are about to undergo. We were discussing this and then they asked if I wanted to watch/help and I, fascinated, agreed.

I have to admit to something of a pregnancy fetish. I mean, not a fetish per se because I don't really find myself overly attracted to women, and not pregnant women. But I am fascinated by pregnancy. Particularly in humans. Maybe because it's something I've not experienced, and may never experience. I don't know why- it just grabs my attention completely and I'm completely intrigued by how it all 'fits in there' and works. And I'm particularly intrigued about how a woman's body changes to accommodate this intrusion. So I was very interested to see how her body had changed during the pregnancy- how her shape and posture changed to make room for this bump.

In preparation for the perineal massage, we watched the video above, but then we were looking at other videos and found one of a hippie lady talking about it as a sexual experience. I asked them if they'd tried the hippie approach and they said no. Then we cleaned up and got down to business. From behind it's almost impossible to see that she is pregnant. They showed me the massage technique and let me have a go. While I had a go, he went about seeing if he could get her off at the same time. And he did, twice.

Then everyone shifted around. Did they have sex for a while as she and I kissed and she played with my breasts? Sounds right. And I know we ended up in a position where he was fucking her and getting me off, and she and I were kissing. It was all very well orchestrated actually. So I had sex. With a pregnant couple who were not just a little bit pregnant but very pregnant. And it was cool and fun and fascinating.

I still don't really think in general that it's what I want to be doing however. I want to find someone just for me- someone I can talk to about my past and my openness about things. And yet I don't want an open relationship interestingly enough. Not really. Fuck. I guess I'm just really complex and it's time like this that I'm not at all confused why I haven't been able to find the right person.

It's not that I think there's anything wrong with me, or what I've gotten up to. But how on earth am I going to find someone who is cool enough to be comfortable with it all? I know my lifestyle choices can hardly be considered mainstream. Dammit.

As a happy side note to this however, I also want to say that I have the greatest respect for the other couple. That they are a good example to me of people who don't see their sexuality as 'a phase'. That they embrace and are comfortable with who they are- at the different stages of their lives that they are undertaking together. They are sexually intimate and compatible, and they have excellent communication. They are, in fact, extremely well suited for each other and a truly lovely and loving couple. I suppose as a contrast to my fear above, they are a good example, that these things are indeed possible. So there.

Stressed and Sad

2011-08-07T19:14:00.003+01:00

I just got off the phone with Mr English. I broke up with him. I feel awful about it. I mean, really awful about it. I'm crying and everything. I'm not really sure why I'm crying- maybe just the built up tension in preparing myself to have the conversation and then finally having it. Or perhaps a true sense of loss for what almost was but wasn't.

It wasn't an easy conversation to initiate. We fell into an easy pattern of just regular chatting which was nice and comforting and pleasant. And so it fell on me to bring it up. Somehow I managed. Somehow I got out what I needed to say. And he wasn't surprised or even in disagreement. It's hard when you really do honestly like someone but you know they just aren't going to be the right ones for each other.

Although part of me feels like this is some degree of progress. Not to be having drawn out horrible and ugly break ups with people where you act like irrational emotional idiots, but to have mature adult and difficult conversations about where you are and what you want in life and not to place blame on anyone or anything. I home that Mr English and I can be friends. We'll see. I do honestly hope that he finds the right person for him to make him happy. And I don't have any ill will towards him whatsoever. This has to be some degree of progress in the relationship continuum. Doesn't it?

In the meantime I'm incredibly stressed about work. Deadlines. Things that need doing. I don't feel like writing it all down here as I've verbally dumped it on more than one person at this point. Suffice to say I'm going to have a very full, busy, and challenging 2 months. It will be filled with highs and lows- with thrills and drudgery. It's going to test me. I think I am not going to be the most pleasant person to be around. I need to get through it. Take what enjoyment I can from the good things, and do as best as I can for the tasks and deadlines.

It's possible that my already stressed state enabled me to add to my unhappiness. That does happen with me- when things are down and bad, I somehow manage to make them worse. Or even, I want to make them worse. I want things to just be the worse they can be and be over with it all.

But this has been weighing on my mind. It wasn't spontaneous. It wasn't unconsidered. It was absolutely the right thing to do, but I still just feel like complete shit. I know this feeling will pass. I honestly for the life of me cannot work out exactly why I feel so completely awful about it but I really do. Some sort of self blame thing going on or other self abuse. Somehow feeling that something is my fault although I would not be able to tell you what I think is my fault, or what is wrong. Just that feelings have been hurt and that is a bad thing. And if a bad thing has happened, there must be someone to blame. I feel like a bad person, even though I know I'm not. And I know that both of us aren't even that hurt.

Or rather, the truth is hurtful, but we both completely accept that it's the truth. We want different things and we aren't right for each other. We enjoy each others company a lot, but that's not enough to make a future together, which is what we both want with a partner, so it doesn't make sense to take up all this time with something we know will not work out. That isn't bad. But I suppose it is sad. It's not like you start down these paths wanting these sorts of outcomes. You hope for the best of course, and what you get you simply have to deal with.

I have other things to talk about that are not appropriate for this post. Right now I just need to be sad. Other stories and anecdotes will have to be for another time.

Life Shape

2011-08-01T11:59:00.004+01:00

In between all of my mad rushing around and doing things, I've had time to sit around and ponder my existence. Like I do. I think at the moment this has been particularly brought about by my assessment of why me and Mr English are not going to work out. It brings me back to a place that I spent most of my life, primarily trying to understand what my role in the outcome is. Or, to use the old terminology, how is this my fault?

Now, I'm not exactly in the same place. At least not in the sense that I am looking to assign blame in a critical or judgmental fashion. I don't think that I'm defective, or ugly, or not thin enough or not anything enough. In fact now, I sort of think the opposite. My life, at almost 37 (birthday post in just a few weeks time!) is very developed and complete. I have explored and developed many facets of myself. In general I like who I am (always wishing for thinner and prettier of course, but at least not brow beating myself over it). But now I see that it is the very fact that I have matured and developed that may in fact, keep me from finding the right partner.

My life is complicated at the moment. I spend half of it in London, half of it in Cambridge, and often I screw up the schedule because something pressing must be accommodated. I have people to see and places to go. I don't have a car, and at the moment being a student again, I'm also a bit tight on cash. I manage my life well, in that, I get to the places I need to go, I see the people I need and want to see. But there isn't too much flexibility in there for adding extra. I need a partner who can, at least at the moment, conform to my life and my schedule.

But it's even more than that. When thinking about the two main stumbling blocks between me and Mr English- the country/city divide and the living-in-other-parts-of-the-world problem. I see that it's not just Mr English who might struggle with these things. Most people can't up and leave their job to go live in another city for a year. I am hoping that is exactly what I will get the chance to do after the PhD is complete, but how on earth does that fit with someone else's life plan?

And after a week in the countryside I am more determined than ever that I never, ever want to live anyplace other than in a city. Even when I have children. I want to have all the food and culture and playgrounds and museums and things on my doorstep. I do not want to be a slave to cars and gardens. I hate it. I mean, I really hate it.

Even when it comes to sexuality I see a problem with me and future mates. Most of my 30's has been dedicated to coming to grips with me as a sexual person. This has meant exploring some of my desires, particularly my bdsm related desires. It is not fulfilling to be with someone who doesn't even want to talk or learn or explore it. Now I'm not even saying that someone needs to be as fully versed as I am, or even that they need to be as interested as I am, but I'd really prefer if they were at least GGG as coined by Dan Savage. So that we can at least find a way for us both to be fulfilled. I think I'm pretty GGG actually when it comes to most things, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't even want to know what interests me or turns me on, let alone not be willing to at least explore a little bit of it to make me happy!

So now I just feel old and curmudgeonly. It's not that I don't like myself or think I have great qualities, I just think that the likelihood of my finding anyone who can put up with it on a permanent basis seems less and less and less. Sort of an inverse paradox about finally finding myself, but then that being the main reason I can't find anyone else. That's a little bit ridiculous and also counter to that lovely adage that no one will love you until you learn to love yourself. It's taken me almost 37 years and I think I'm really no closer than I was before, and if anything, I'm worse off (in respect to finding that other person obviously, not in respect to how I feel about myself which has been a tremendous improvement). Ridiculous.

When You Know You Know

2011-07-27T19:20:00.003+01:00

So I thought that Mr English was coming around tonight and we'd go get some dinner and fool around before he went home. Except I haven't heard from him. In fact I haven't heard from him at all since he left here on Sunday. I just sent him a text to see if I was mistaken- maybe he thought we were meeting tomorrow. But I know we said Wednesday. So it's Wednesday and he's not here and he's being all quiet.

I'm annoyed and this is why I know that things are not right between us. Actually I suppose there are many indications. Lets start with the fact that we haven't communicated at all since he left here. That's not really good is it? I mean, when you're dating someone, especially early on, should you not want to talk to them and be in touch with them? It's not that I had anything pressing to say to him that I didn't. I just had nothing to say to him so I didn't. And I sort of assume that's the same in reverse. Actually I don't feel good or bad about this, it's more just fact. It doesn't upset me that I haven't had anything to say to him, or him me, but objectively, I think it's not a promising sign.

And ultimately I'm still plagued by the thinking that we aren't long term lifestyle compatible. He wants a quiet country life and I want an urban one. He would be happy to stay in the Cambridge area forever, and I want to live in other countries again and may want to live in the States again at some point. He likes outdoor activities like serious hiking and I just don't. When he was here on Sunday I asked him why he hadn't dated one of his flatmates- a good friend of his who goes on these epic hiking trips and seems to share many lifestyle patterns. He said they did have a period of mad shagging but ultimately she didn't want kids so now they're just friends. So I do want kids and would love to be in a settled relationship, but all the rest of our stuff doesn't match up. It's like what would be best for him is my best qualities and her best qualities combined, but maybe neither one of us is quite right.

And of course I'm deflecting from my own reflection by thinking of him. What he wants. What would be best for him. I'm sort of avoiding being direct about myself. But it's sort of the same. I am intrigued that I have met a guy who really is ready to settle and commit but I can also see that it's not quite right. I want to live in a city. My career may mean that I move around until I'm really ready to settle. I don't want to be dependent on a car. I don't want to have a garden (at least, not a very big one). I can also see that if I was madly in love with someone, I would start to give up these things. I know I would. For someone I was head over heels for I would let myself and my desires start to dissolve. Not that it's a good thing- but it also shows me that while I very much like Mr English, I know I'm not in love with him. And I don't think he's in love with me. It's been over 4 months now really, if it were going to happen, I think it would have.

So I know. I know that I know. But I feel awful about it. Because in many ways I'm incredibly fond of Mr English. I don't really want this to be the case- that it's 'not right'. Yet it seems so very clear that it's so. I don't know how to have the conversation with him because when I see him we have a good time and it's fun and nice so it seems contrary to just bring up something unpleasant.

I'm sure that this is going to resolve itself. There isn't any reason for me to stress and worry and angst over it. But I do. It's just how I am I guess.

As yet another objective side note, in the whole time I've been working on this post, he's still not texted back. That's very odd, isn't it? Sometimes I think I should avoid relationships all together. They're too much bloody hassle.

Unnecessary Proof

2011-07-26T13:33:00.003+01:00

This week I am house and dog sitting for my supervisor. Her family lives in a listed cottage on the outskirts of Fulbourn by Cambridge. I arrived Friday afternoon and it is only Tuesday. I'm here until Sunday. So far I have learned a lesson I already knew, and have added something new. First, I am not meant to live in the countryside. It's awful. It's boring. It's too quiet. It's car dependent. It's far away. Honestly. I don't understand why anyone would aspire to this lifestyle. It probably doesn't help that I'm not very outdoorsy. So Just sit in this cottage thankfully with Internet and a large plasma screen and leave 3x a day to walk the dog.

That's the other thing I've learned. Maybe I don't ever want to own a dog. What a nuisance. I suppose if you could let your dog out to poop in a yard, then that would be different. And I believe that this family does actually let their dog out to poop in the yard- they don't walk it 3 times a day. But they've asked me to walk it three times a day and oh yes, not to leave it alone for anything more than four hours. I feel trapped.

Even though it's only less than 5 miles from Cambridge the bus takes 40 minutes. I could cycle of course, although that would probably take 30 minutes and then I'd be sweaty and have helmet hair. No, it's better than I just stay out here. Sitting in the house. Peering out the window. Occasionally walking the dog.

Mr English continues to be a diversion, although one I should think about ending. I was in fact thinking about ending it before he came over to visit me here on Sunday. But then we ended up fooling around and it was fun and all thoughts of breaking with him drifted. But I know it's coming close. Although there are certain things we both want- there are important things where we disagree about future goals and desires. Mainly that he thinks this cottage is the ideal place to live and I think it's hell. I don't see how this can be reconciled. I think I would be willing to make huge sacrifices for someone I was madly in love with. But although I am incredibly fond of Mr English, I am not in love with him. And I don't think I'm going to fall in love with him at this rate. This means I am extremely unwilling to consider much compromise in terms of what I want out of my future and life. Primarily this is living in a big city and also that my professional career might mean I get to move around a bit (and actually that sounds appealing to me, so it's not like a hardship in any way). I hate having to split with people though. It makes me feel bad.

I'm submitting an abstract for another conference paper. One that will hopefully motivate me to jump start my own academic research for my PhD. I work better with deadlines, which was sort of a known thing. So this conference sounds perfect. Submit the abstract by the end of the week, and if it's accepted (which I really hope it is) then the full paper will be due in October which gives me from now until then to get my fucking work done. It really wouldn't be an issue at all if there wasn't additional work for my research group vaguely hanging over my head. If that was completely gone, then I'd feel okay. But knowing that's lurking there is unsettling. It's still going to be a hard slog of work to make this deadline, but I figure it's the kick in the ass that I seriously need at this point.

Last, while the rest of the world suffers under a heat wave, I'm sorry to say that it's cold and dreary here in England. This means the one benefit to being out in this cottage- that they have a seasonal above ground pool, is completely useless so far. Figures.

Knackered Knee and Other Things

2011-07-02T09:00:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I did something awful to my knee. I wasn't doing anything special or unusual- I was squatting to look into my oven while I was roasting and baking things. I went to stand up and my knee felt completely wrong and out of joint and bordering on extremely painful. Then it all seemed to click back into place but only with some discomfort. Today it feels weak and stiff at the same time. Almost like it needs to crack or something, but it's not doing it. I had wanted to go to the gym this morning but that might not be a good idea. Maybe I'll see when the pool is open for adult swimming instead, that could be good.

I've had a very busy and stressful week. I spent a lot of it running all over the place and doing things. This is alright in some ways because I enjoy most of the things I run around to do, but it is tiring. Thursday saw me rushing from a meeting in London to Kings Cross to get on a train to Cambridge for a meeting there. As I was up there, I decided to see Mr English which was alright but just one more thing and also I don't sleep as well on his bed. So yesterday when I finally got home, I ended up napping for a few hours. I think lack of sleep the night before and the general business of my week just caught up with me.

It's Saturday now and tomorrow I am up to Cambridge for the week. As usual I don't really want to go. This week it's particularly acute because I was just there. But it doesn't matter how I feel about it because I'm just going to go on and get on with things.

In other news I had my first paper accepted to a conference. This means that I am published. It also means I get a little holiday to Bologna in September. This is exciting. Attending the conference should be fun. Being published is cool. But I need to get on top of finalizing all the details and registration asap. Just something else to add to the list.

My friend S and his boyfriend are leaving the country for a long time in just a few days. I'm trying not to be sad about this. Part of me feels like my friend circle is shrinking and closing in. Or more that my immediate friend circle is doing so- I'm not actually losing these friends, they're just less accessible in a day to day way. I am meeting new people in my life, but it does take time for acquaintances to become friends. I have many acquaintances at the moment, but maybe I feel I'm losing the closeness of good friends. Even the ones remaining seem to have plans to go away. I know that things move on, and I know that I am also happy with many aspects of my life, but it doesn't make me less sad to see these people go.

Synchronized Swimming

2011-06-22T10:34:00.003+01:00

So out of 8 events and over 600 pounds worth of ticket applications, it turns out that I have only got 2 tickets to see the synchronized swimming at the 2012 Olympics. An event that, I might add, has not even sold out and will be available to buy tickets for starting tomorrow. So aside from me picking what is clearly an unpopular event, I really didn't get much. Don't get me wrong- I'm excited to go to an event, and I was always keen on synchronized swimming. It's sort of like cirque du soleil- how can that be bad? On the other hand, it's an event that didn't sell out. So while I got tickets because I clearly picked an unpopular event, I was also sort of guaranteed these tickets. Anything else I applied for that was actually competitive, I didn't get.

Well fine. Whatever. I'll be excited about my one event. I think it's being held at the aquatic center which means it will be at the main Olympic park which is close to my house and that means I'll have an excuse to go experience it. I've never been to an Olympics before, so it's impossible not to be excited about it, even if I wish I could have seen more and think that there was clearly something very wrong with the ticketing process.

I know people who got all the tickets they applied for, and I know people who got no tickets they applied for. I heard some statistic that if you didn't account for the price banding, based on how many people applied and how many tickets were available, everyone should have gotten 3 tickets. So it seems really poor that some people got all the tickets and something like over a million people got no tickets. I can't believe that this was the best possible system or that there wasn't an alternative that would have been more fair.

We'll see what happens over the course of the next year. My guess is these will be the only tickets I have and the only event I go to see. But you never know who has tickets and might be offering one to friends, etc etc. I think I can be happy because I'm going to get to see something- even if it's something no one else seems to have wanted to see. If I hadn't gotten any tickets at all, I think I would have been pretty pissed off.

The Current Schedule

2011-06-19T10:03:00.004+01:00

Today I must pack my bags and head up to Cambridge for the week. This is the new schedule. Like Mr. Miyagi I am week-on, week-off. This is better than the old schedule which was half-week, half-week. With that schedule I felt perpetually lost and it really took it's toll. Instead of feeling as though I were half in London and half in Cambridge I felt as though I were neither in London nor in Cambridge. This new schedule is much better.

And yet it's always awful to leave my home. I like my home. I like London. I like my life here. It's true, there is another life with other people waiting for me just north of here. A life I also enjoy and yet it does not feel as complete as the one here. Probably because of my house and my things. I am on a visitor there, but my base is here.

And I hate leaving it. Every time I have to contemplate packing my panniers and getting on the train I just feel the weight of it dragging my feet down. I haven't done enough this week. I didn't do enough laundry. I didn't run enough errands. I still have food that will go off in the fridge but I can't easily take with me. It's all excuses, I know. This schedule is so much better than before.

Still, today is a travel day and the ennui is already setting in even though I'm supposed to go up early in order to go to a barbecue at my supervisor's house along with a number of other friends up there. It should be good fun, and once I am there I will be happy, it's just all the more running around and not feeling settled. And leaving my life here behind, for the week.

Over the next couple of months it gets a bit messy. I'm house sitting for my supervisor for a week which is the wrong week, ie, a London week. So that throws things out. My cousin is coming to visit during a Cambridge week and so I will need to be in London so that throws things out. Then I'm going camping for a week in August for my birthday during a London week, so that throws things out as well. By September it should settle back into something normal perhaps. Although I'm considering trying to take on some supervisions for the next academic year. I need to discuss this with my supervisor because I don't think she'll agree to it at the moment although it's what I really need to do for my longer term goals. It's just that I've fallen so far behind this year already, I know she'll balk at my taking on extra work.

And if I were to do so, I would also be committing myself to going up to Cambridge once a week during my London weeks just to see students. I could do this, and the extra money from the teaching would certainly cover the extra ticket, but it's all time and extra. I don't know. I need to speak with her about this. I need to get going on my own work so that it seems less of an issue. I don't know if there's any time to balance these things out. I think probably not.

Well, I have two years to go, so I suppose there is always the year after. But I would prefer to start sooner. That is, assuming they even accept me to do it which is not at all a guarantee. I would love to be able to get my schedule under control and be more manageable but it seems like it's just not going to happen. At least the current schedule is ostensibly better than the old schedule. For now.

Universal Answers on a Postcard

2011-06-18T14:09:00.004+01:00

So I've been seeing this guy... lets call him... Mr.English for now. Our first date was before I went to the States, and then we had a month apart. He's based in Cambridge, I'm really based in London. We slept together on the 4th date. We've so far had 6.

I'm not gonna write you a love song

We get along pretty well. We don't seem to run out of conversation. This is what attracted me to him as an idea, even before we met. We exchanged long and stimulating email. So many guys don't. I found that in person, our ability to continue to talk about nothing in particular seemed to hold true. A good sign.

'cause you asked for it

But there are other signs that are less good. And I don't know what to think. I don't know at all what to think. Most of the time I try not to think about it at all because I don't think I have the answer yet. What I'm trying to do is give myself some time. Time with him in the hopes that what is unclear will become clear.

'cause you need one, you see

So in his favor I have... conversation and interest. He seems to take me in stride and is not intimidated. He can be funny. He's generous. He doesn't seem damaged and instead seems to be someone who wants to be in, and is ready for, a proper relationship.

I'm not gonna write you a love song

Not in his favor I have... the fact that he lives in a suburb of Cambridge and thinks this is a good thing. That he is broody (not that I ever needed this instruction, but I can see why men find this unattractive in women). He may not share my kink interests, and while he is fun in bed and by far not the worst, he is also not the best for me in this regard. And finally, while we talk endlessly about nothing, our ability to talk about important things seems somewhat lacking, although it is ONLY date 6 and that is perhaps expecting too much, particularly from someone who is English.

'cause you tell me it's

Does this point to him being not the one? But what is the one. For the first time in my life I am met with someone who is not my ideal and yet I could envision being with. Is that settling? By even considering it settling am I answering my own question? Settling seems easy in abstraction but is perhaps more complex in reality.

Make or break in this

I was talking to SA about this. Most of my friends are interested in my new past time, though no one has met him. Everyone senses my own discomfort and unease with the situation, although with somewhat different responses to it. I expressed how I felt to SA who said that he wanted the full deal. The person who inspired and met him at every level. That nothing less would do. I feel that way myself in that, I want that so desperately.

If you're on your way

But there are no guarantees. If you hold out for this- for the love song. For the one. For the sun and the moon and the stars. You might get it, because some people do. Or you might get nothing at all. Is that a worth while gamble when there are other options that might just do? That might offer something different? That might offer anything at all?

I'm not gonna write you to stay

I don't have certainty in this. I have my own history to deal with. I know that new people frighten me, that I tend to push things away before I trust them. I don't know if I'm leaning towards negativity because it's different and I'm not there yet, or if there is truth in it. I know that Mr.English is good enough for me that he has managed to pass some of my barriers, and yet others are still firmly in place. But is that because they are right, or is it just because of me?

If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better

Am I clutching at straws? Wishing for things that aren't real? Hoping for dreams that are childish and won't come? Am I making false comparisons between a new person I barely know and others who I know better but are unavailable to me? Am I too difficult? Too demanding? Too naive? Too stubborn? Too foolish? Too wary?

Reason to write you a love song today

I'm going to continue to give this one some time. I am afraid that I might know the answer, but equally afraid that I am wrong. I want the love song. I want the pretty picture. I want the story book. But I'm tired and getting old and I see that in some ways I am running out of time. I can see that something good might be okay even if it means giving up a chance for something amazing. And I can see how that very thought might kill me slowly over time. Don't know don't know don't know. Gonna give it some time.

Can't Catch Up

2011-06-12T22:15:00.003+01:00

I know, it's been a while again. A lot has happened. I didn't keep up with things here. Now many of my moments in history are just gone. I had my third date, but more on that later. I went to the States and saw the family. I came back, I've been impossibly busy with work for my industrial partner and doing nothing to progress my own work. I had to get a new washing machine. I got only one pair of Olympic tickets when I bid on 8 different events. But then some people got nothing, so better than nothing I guess.

S was here for over a week which was tiring but great. SA and T are off on world travels and may not be back to England for some time. SP got an offer for a PhD studentship so she will be starting that up in the fall and then we will both be doing PhD's although sadly not at the same university. Still, it will be good to have a contact at another university in a similar area. No contact from M, not that I mind. Although the thought of her does fill me with ire when I bother to consider it. Everyone else seems to be doing alright.

I printed my blog book for 2006. I am awaiting it now. I am even more excited than when I got the first one because I know just how good it will be. And I spent some more time being funky with the cover so I'm looking forward to how that turns out.

I set up my Etsy shop and have sold my first item which I am shipping off to Australia tomorrow. I was very excited about it, and in some ways still am, but I need to sell a few more items before there is any sort of profit in this endeavor. Still, it's just nice to sell something regardless. Every little helps cover what my expense has been. I think if I were to sell just a couple more I would have covered all my costs, and I've already sold three without Etsy, so really, that probably does cover everything to be honest.

My mom has been in Italy for three weeks now. I am curious to hear how her trip has been. One of the women she was on vacation with put some post on Facebook about how she was on holiday and then sent her greetings from herself, and the third woman on the trip- but not my mother. I thought that was rude, so I left a snarky comment asking if she'd lost my mother. I wonder if the trip was okay or if they had issues.

I've submitted a paper to a conference and have also submitted an abstract to a conference. I should have heard back from the second one by now, which is maybe slightly worrying. I hope I get in to the first one. It's in Italy so that would mean a trip to Bologna in September which would be cool.

My cousin D is coming to stay with me in August for a few days. He'll be here for my birthday which is nice. He's in between high school and college this summer. He's coming to the UK for some sort of program that he's involved in and then adding a few days to see me. I think this should be good fun.

So on my return from the States I had a second date with the third guy. We've now had six dates. I'm conflicted about him. I'm giving it some time in the hopes that the worries I have resolve themselves one way or the other. In the meantime I'm enjoying a bit of fun and hanky panky. I might write more on this later, although, given my current writing habit, who knows.

I still miss the writing. The other blog is taking up some of that. It requires a bit of a commitment and X and SA have both been off and on shit about the commitment it takes leaving me to be the one holding down the fort. The blog is going well, but it's hard to come up with one article a week. It's a lot of effort. Which is why the others have struggled. I know. But if we don't keep the writing up, we don't keep the readership up. It's a viscous cycle that way. I guess ideally we'd add one more writer to the group and then everyone could write a single article every other week.

I'm going to try and write here more again. Although I know I always say that. I hate doing catch up posts when I feel there is so much to record, but no time to delve into anything.

Strike Two!

2011-04-02T14:53:00.003+01:00

Two dates down and one to go. So far a very mixed bag but not with any outcomes of note. Guy number 1 I saw on Wednesday. He has originally asked if I wanted to go to some erotic awards event with him by Angel. The background on him is that he's American and traveling. So I figured he was really just looking for a hook up. However, we had a 99% match score, a low enemy score, he was Jewish, and I thought, well, why not? I was perhaps also slightly emboldened by recently reading about two silly chaps I know doing something similar on their recent trip to New York, although they did sort of get up to hijinks, on the other hand, I can also see how its just something a bit fun and exciting to do and a novel way to visit a city. So I agreed. But I wasn't sure I would make the awards thing because it started at 7 and I had tons to do in Cambridge.

As it turns out there was no way I was going to make it in time so instead we decided on dinner in Islington some where which was just as well. We met at 8 by the tube station and walked to a very nice Turkish I know which is on my half price card. He was enjoyable company and it was strange to be around an American. We probably have quite a bit in common and if he and I were in the same place he would most assuredly be someone I would be interested in getting to know more. But alas, he is not. After dinner, we went to Ottolenghi for some awesome dessert, then I walked him back to the tube and although we had a little bit of a snog to say goodbye, say goodbye we did and that was that.

So date one was enjoyable and fun, but will not result in anything. Next.

Last night I had another date lined up with someone I had a reasonably high match score with. His pre-date communication had been sparse so I wasn't entirely convinced but I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and at least go for a drink. We met up by Liverpool Street station and went to a rather swish lounge. He wasn't entirely what I expected initially and to be completely honest I was a bit put off by his somewhat thick accent. But as the evening wore on the accent didn't bother me quite as much. It was a very pleasant evening but I just didn't feel any particular connection there. I can imagine that if he was within my group of friends, he might be someone I enjoyed hanging out with, but I really couldn't envision anything beyond that. No spark.

On the upside, I got two amazing cocktails out of it which would otherwise have been out of my price range and I had a pleasant evening. With him there may need to be a 'ding' message, as I'm not sure he got the same feeling I did. But really, no.

So that's two up and two down. I have a third date scheduled for Tuesday with a guy who seems like a bit of a dork. Of course I went to a nerd high school and grew up surrounded by dorks. Adult dorks can be lovable wonderful partners, and he's certainly been entertaining by way of pre-date communication. But I wonder if he's actually just going to be too nice. Many dorks are you see. And as much as I admire and respect that, I am not always so inclined. I need someone with a bit of the dark in them. But I'm not making any guesses. I will go to dinner with an open mind and see how it all goes from there.

I will try to avoid thinking on the fact that things often happen in threes.....

Sleuthing Distraction

2011-03-29T22:51:00.002+01:00

I wonder if it's the weather. The sun has come out, it has warmed a bit, the clocks have changed. In about two weeks time I go to the States. In the meantime, my world seems to have exploded with activity the way the world wakes from winter slumber. Except there is no rhyme or reason for all of these things to intersect.

So instead of tackling my obligations in a focused and systematic manner, instead I allow myself to indulge in my comfortable patterns, and I procrastinate. The Internet is my primary procrastination tool. It offers no end of interesting tidbits and gizmo's to keep me occupied. When I can't find anything new I find that I cycle through the same pattern of sites looking for a change like a record with a scratch. Repeat repeat repeat.

I'm not saying this with judgement. It's just how it is. Most of the time I accept it is how I am. I don't particularly like it. I find it wasteful and frustrating to be honest. But I am older and resigned and I can fight the tide as much as I can change my person. At least I recognize it.

But this is not about that. Because I was bored and avoiding my work and had finished my regular Internet haunts and was not interested in the cycle of checking I needed something else to do. Something that would hold my interest for the moment. So I sleuthed. I have not done this for a while. Well, not really. I suppose there are people I check up on with some degree of regularity. I don't think of it as sleuthing much. But I just indulged in some proper sleuthing and as is usually the case when such actions are fruitful, I have found something interesting.

I decided to see if I could track down my first ever boyfriend. He has a rather common name, though not as common as some, enough to be a problem in respect to simple searches. We met when we were both at University, albeit in different Universities in different states by a computer. Oh the early days of green screens and chat rooms! At any rate, we met in person a few times. But like most early loves it did not last. We were out of touch for a while and then he contacted me. He had moved to an area not so far from where I was then living. We met up twice I think. I don't remember much from that time. I was living with someone I was not dating but was in love with. My life was soon to turn upside down and inside out. My meeting with my first love again is just a smudge on an otherwise overwhelming image of my past.

And so we lost touch again. I remember trying to get a message to him. Trying to track him down and being rebuffed. That was it. I moved again, and again. It's probably been about ten years now. Possibly more. I think I've looked him up occasionally without much luck. I haven't done it for at least a year, probably longer. But I decided to give it a go. And I found him. I found his LinkedIn and his Facebook. He works for Time Warner, he lives in North Carolina now. I wouldn't have recognized him had we passed on the street. I wouldn't have recognized him if we were sat facing each other at a table. Funny huh? But I knew him as a skinny young man. And most men fill out by the time they hit 30. Not that he's big, he's just... unrecognizable to me.

Strange I suppose. Why did I decide to look him up now? Not sure. I suppose that dating is on my mind. I have not one, not two, but three dates in the next seven days. None of which were initiated by me, all of which are with different guys. Like I said, I think there is something in the weather or maybe it's the water, or perhaps it's a bit of both. Thinking about meeting new people. Tempering my expectation. Thinking about the past. Yes, this is how it must have led me to the path. Subconscious to be sure.

I am someone who likes knowledge. I like answers. The Internet is possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me. It allows me to pursue whims and follies. It's too easy. I think sometimes I need better boundaries and limits. Maybe then I would be more focused. It's probably not true though. I would probably just then watch an awful lot of television.

I didn't have a big purpose in writing this here, I just wanted to note it in passing. I suppose somehow it means something to me, I just really couldn't tell you what.

Marching Through March

2011-03-19T12:42:00.003Z

So things are a bit better than they were. I had a few major deadlines pass, and having met them, a large chunk of work that was stressing me out has finished. There is still a lot more to do and the pressure isn't entirely off, but I'm feeling a bit better about things.

Yesterday I received my first 'blog book' made using Blurb. It took me a while to put 2005 together and the final book was around 240 pages. But I can't speak highly enough about the quality and printing. I was so impressed- it came and was even better than I thought it was going to be. It's inspired me to start on 2006 immediately. It makes me so happy to be able to have all of my blog writing in one place.

In fact I'm so impressed with this that my new plan is to make a cook-book out of the vegetarian dishes published by Ottolenghi in the Guardian. I've started grabbing the recipes already. Some of them are the same that are in the cookbooks but most of them are different. I think this would make a great gift for H and also S and perhaps T. The only problem is that unless I make each dish myself, I'm not going to have the right photos to go with each recipe. So I'll have to think about this. I have a couple of ideas but I'm not sure.

In an hours time I'm going to meet up with C to get some weed. I'm almost out of brownies so I think I'm going to make another batch. They're much better than smoking and obviously last a long time. I also got some for G so I can give that to him the next time I see him, with an ever so slight mark-up to reduce my purchase a bit. Win win!

I've booked tickets to the states for April for 3 weeks so that will be nice. I need to do some shopping while I'm there so will need to be incredibly strict about this one suitcase thing. I'm tempted to go buy one larger suitcase seeing as I hate the one I have currently anyway. I don't know. I'll think about it. I think what I'll do is travel with minimal clothes, buy some clothes and wear them there which means I'll need to go shopping quickly. But that's hardly a burden. I guess every 2 years I need to get jeans. It takes me that long to wear through them. I don't think I got jeans last year, but it's hard to remember, maybe I did?

In other news, life is mostly work related and not very social in the sense that 2011 appears to be a no-boy sort of year. I did mess about with the other couple that one time, but I'm not even counting that. On the plus side, my every other week movie and date night with T has worked brilliantly. Two for one pizza in Cambridge on Mondays provides a good reason for socializing with different people. And I try to fit in seeing other people as well. On Thursday I had really lovely evening with Ms.Woo in Islington. These things make me happy. Regular sex and a boyfriend would also make me happy, but at least these sorts of activities I can arrange on my own.

I realize this entry has been a bit nonsensical. My mind is just working that way at the moment. I'm sure I'll have more important and significant things to say some other time.

Struggling

2011-02-22T21:53:00.005Z

I'd like to write something happy and exciting but I'm afraid I can't. The funk is still with me. I feel lost a bit. Adrift. Somewhat isolated. I am also feeling old. On the one hand I like what I'm doing with my life just now, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. That I'm not where I should be at this point in my life.

It's a repetitive lament. On the work front I continue to feel like I'm not getting my own stuff done. I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel that I'm falling behind. I feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I feel like I won't be able to do what I need to do.

On the positive side on the work front I had one of the girl's in the center tell me that me and this other guy M are considered the smartest ones out of the group and that she says people speak quite highly of my intellect when I'm not around. So that made me feel good.

But my view of my own work is currently not good.

And then there's the relationships. Or lack of relationships. In fact, no relationships. And feeling old again, and that I'm just not going to get those chances. I won't even have the choice you see. No choice. I'm getting old, and the window is passing by. I might yet meet someone one day, but I am probably never going to have a family. That makes me a bit sad. For the record, I think I would have made an awesome parent.

The commute is still really getting to me. I don't feel like I exist in any place. Instead of feeling that I'm half in Cambridge and half in London what I feel like is that I'm not in Cambridge and I'm not in London. I'm not anywhere. This is the adrift bit. There's nothing to hold me. It doesn't really matter. I show up here, I show up there. I just appear, and disappear.

I'm frustrated with lack of funding. I'm frustrated with my house. I feel like I don't live in a particularly grown up house. I want to get my shit together. I want to fix my lounge wall and get a gas fire put in and proper shelves. I want to fix the bathroom. Of course I can't afford any of this just now. Or rather, I could blow my savings on doing this but that would not be a particularly clever idea. I just feel stalled although I know I'm not really stalled. I know I'm doing this cool thing. I know that my friend X has been out of work now for some time and that I could just as easily not be doing the PhD and not be doing anything at all. I am doing exactly what I should be doing and I am kind of damn lucky to be doing it.

It just doesn't feel that way in the day to day grind of it. Sometimes.

To try and be positive about something else though, the other blog venture is going really well. I'm pleased about that. It's providing a good outlet for some additional writing and professional thought muscle flexing.

I'm also happy that I seem to do well in my classes that I'm taking and sitting in on in Land Economy. I have to take the one class for credit and the other two I'm sitting in on because they seemed really interesting. And they are extremely interesting, but I also already know a lot of the stuff they're saying and I've made some comments in class that have been well received. So that also made me feel good.

Huh. I feel good when people recognize I'm smart. I'm seeing a trend. Well. What the fuck else do I have going on? It's not like I'm getting any other kudos at the moment for say, being exceptionally pretty, or well dressed, or kind. I guess I have to settle for what I can get.

Other positive thinking is that the past two weeks I've gone to the gym 3 out of the 4 days I've been in London. That's been good. And I've done sit-ups whilst in Cambridge which is good. I'm still feeling tremendously out of shape and it's probably going to be another week or two before I can ratchet up the regimen to some more serious toning and burning, but I'm happy to find that I have the energy and motivation to go to the gym. And I do enjoy it when I'm there. Maybe me and the gym just need to go in cycles and I'm on an up cycle. Whatever it is I'm not going to complain about that particular one.

Not much else to report. Everyone seems to have worse problems than I do. On top of all of this whinging I feel like I'm making something out of nothing. Not when I don't really have anything particularly serious going on.

Oh, I met up with the other couple and there was some hanky panky going on. I'm not sure I want to get into that just now. Suffice to say, casual just isn't really doing it for me at the moment. Or maybe it was because it was only with him and not also with her. But no, really, I don't want to fuck around just now, I either want someone who wants to be with me or maybe I just don't want anything for a bit. It's not satisfying. At least, not just at the moment. I felt similarly at the rope workshop. I tied up H in a couple of pretty good ties which was nice. But then this guy K tied me up and that was cool and all but I couldn't be in the right head space for it to enjoy it the way I would like to either. I think when it comes to me and relationships or intimacy at the moment I'm feeling incredibly selfish. I want it to be the real deal or I don't want anything to do with it. Of course, that doesn't actually match up to my behavior, but I know how I feel, even if I choose to pursue other avenues.

Funk

2011-02-14T19:14:00.002Z

As in, I'm in one. It's been going on for at least a few days now. My life seems busy but aimless. I think this is the majority of the reason, although lack of any interesting relationship status also isn't helping. But actually, I think it has more to do with my workload. I'm very cranky about it at the moment. I'm annoyed at having things piled on me and not being able to pursue what I want to be pursuing. And every time I get a chance to do a little bit of my own work, I feel like I haven't done enough, that there's loads more to do, and no time to do it in. It's frustrating and difficult and I just find that I'm in a particularly grouchy mood.

Of course there could be relationship factors in this as well. I've been distinctly unhappy with my weight and appearance. I have not shifted the weight I gained since going to Italy, and even before that I'd only just managed to get it back into the 'acceptable high' zone. I'm now still five pounds over that and fuming about it. So I've rejoined my gym. I had a slow start the week before and didn't go, but this past week I went Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Now that I'm in Cambridge I obviously can't go, but I did do sit-ups this morning. I think I can be good about going at least three out of the four days I'm in London, although ideally I'll go all four days. It is hard though, I'm not going to lie to myself about it. I managed to go this past week, but I think I just need to take it a week at a time and see how it goes.

Just a bit ago I got an email from the jackrabbit who is back from Columbia. I suggested we meet up for a drink a week ago and he just replied to say yes but felt the need to emphasize 'as friends'. Which is fine of course, and not that far off from what I expected (and also why I suggested just to meet for drinks) but it still isn't very nice, is it? No.

I think I'm in a terrible mood when it comes to boys and dating at the moment. I find I have zero patience for boys who don't appear to put in any effort. What happened to the art of conversation? Or to courting? I don't want to be the one asking all the questions and picking all the dates. I'd like a bit of input, some enthusiasm. I don't think this is unreasonable, but I think my attitude has perhaps been a bit harsh. When I say I have zero patience for this behavior, I mean I have absolutely zero patience. I'll exchange a few emails but if no questions in my direction are forthcoming, or no art of conversation, I'm likely to point out to the person that they aren't doing a very good job. Not surprisingly, this has resulted in a slew of boys not writing back to me. And while I care, I also don't. I don't have the time to train someone how to be interesting! Am I mental? Is this some disastrous by product of gender equality? That men have forgotten how to be engaging? At any rate, I'm not having it. But I can't say that it's improving my mood.

I suppose I could be a bit put off that most people I know are now coupled up whereas it wasn't so long ago when most people I knew were not. This has two negative impacts on my psyche, the first is that I feel more lonely, but the second is that it starts to edge upon those old feelings of defectiveness. I feel left behind, or semi retarded. Because obviously there must be something wrong with me if everyone else is doing it. Even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is not true, and that is by far an improvement on my previous mentality, I can't say that I've 100% learned how to compensate for still feeling bad about it.

So to sum up. Work life sort of sucks. Social life sort of sucks. Not happy with appearance or body. Kind of in a funk. Yep, that about does it.

There Must Be Something Wrong With You

2011-01-25T16:03:00.003Z

Mistress Matisse who I read regularly tweeted yesterday something that I replied to but have had time to think about and feel that I need to say more on the subject because it was offensive and it irritated me. The tweet in question was this:

"Theory: if someone has not ever chosen to cohabitate with a partner by age 40, the odds of him/her ever deciding to do so are slim. Discuss."

My reply was as follows:

"Er.. if they had the *option* and chose not to, maybe. If they never had the option before, then I'd say that's not true."

The more I've thought about this, the more cross it's made me. In particular coming from someone involved in the whole 'sex and relationships' industry. There are many reasons why cohabitation may not have occurred before age 40 and I would say many have zero implications on whether or not after this magic age of 40 most people are somehow statistically out of options.

First of all, there is no general promise in this life that you are going to get someone to cohabitate with. Before I discuss any other aspect of this question, I'd like to make that abundantly clear. This isn't a life guarantee. For some people, it just doesn't happen. So regardless of if you are 25 or 40 or 70, if the dice weren't in your favor, then they weren't in your favor. Is there some magic age limit when you are suddenly out of luck? No. And actually, after a lot of people get out of their 'starter marriages', I'd say that there are many people who find love and relationships post-40. Sometimes that includes finding someone who, shock and horror, may not have been married or cohabitated with anyone before. So in general, I call bullshit on this.

If there is some physical or social reason that makes you less likely to find a partner, are you more or less likely to find a partner before or after age 40? Again I call bullshit and say this is an arbitrary number that doesn't matter. I suppose if there is something actually hindering you that makes it harder for you to find someone, then it's reasonable to assume it may continue to be difficult to find someone, but also, think of all the years you may have already spent looking! Maybe by 40 you are better at it, or people who know you accept you more for who you are. Are you statistically less likely to find your life partner (and live with them) because 40 came and went? I don't think so.

Here's what I particular dislike about this tweet. It implies by its very nature that there is something wrong with someone who hasn't managed to achieve this apparent life aim of cohabitation. It does not take into account what they may want, or what choices may or may not have been available to them. It just casually dismisses anyone over 40 for having something so wrong with them that there is no hope for them in the future. Well, all the over 40's who haven't cohabitated but want to, I suppose you should all just go kill yourselves now, because I guess there just isn't any hope for you.

Which brings me around to my original response which has everything to do with the use of the word choice as the single way out of this abhorrent comment that I'll allow. I suppose it is possible that if you are someone who found great relationships but chose not to cohabitate and you have not addressed (or do not care to address) why you chose not to cohabitate, then amazingly it is true, as you pass the age of 40 you are likely to be the same person you were at 39 who does not choose to cohabitate with others. However, that seems like a not so intelligent sort of comment about people and their behavior, and so not the one that I think was intended, and certainly not what was conveyed.

Now in general, I don't think twitter is even the right place for a conversation or debate like this. Most obviously it doesn't give the original author space to explain exactly what they meant and instead leaves a rather insulting statement of only one sentence to try and do the job for them. Usually I enjoy following Matisse and her offerings. This time I'm afraid, not so much.

Saturday Slowness

2011-01-22T14:47:00.002Z

This is not going to be a post about anything in particular. It's Saturday and almost 3. I'm hanging about in my lounge, still in my pajamas. I've got a load of laundry about to be ready to hang up, and I've sorted out my DVD shelf by moving some other stuff around. This has enlightened me to the fact that my 'L Word' season 2 is missing. I have no idea who has it.

No further word from Mr.Aloof since he tried it on. Which is fine by me. I don't need him pushing at me which forces my had in being more and more firmly bitchy towards him. Then of course he feels like he is the one who has been wronged. Sometimes no really does mean no you know.

I feel like I just returned from Cambridge and am in no way ready to go up there again tomorrow. I've just checked the train and at least it's running, as last Sunday it was not and I had to travel Monday morning instead. Still, I honestly feel like I just got back. I don't have time to do anything, take care of anything, and then I'm up there again. And this week I have to stay through Thursday, and next week I have to be there on Thursday as well. Actually the week after next I'm off to Liverpool for two days, so I'll have no time at all at home before I'm back in Cambridge. I know that this is really just things re-settling into place, but right now it's a real burden. I'll get used to it, mainly because there isn't any other choice. And honestly, if this is the worst aspect of my current life I can't say that it's that bad. But it is enough to be annoying and draining just now. Until it settles into some sort of routine.

I've been spending a small amount of my free time turning this blog into a printable book (using blurb for anyone who might want to do the same). I've decided to do a book for every year so I can add them to my collection of hand written journals. It has always bothered me that all of this writing is separated from the other records I have kept of my life. This has turned into something of a time consuming endeavor however. And I note that many images used in the early days of this blog are simply missing, and so already the record of the past is incomplete. In some cases I remember very clearly what the image was, so I have been able to repair it. But in many cases, the image is just lost. I look forward to the first book however. I'm working on 2005 and am about 1/3 of the way through it. It's interesting to read back, but then, it always is. This is part of the reason I need it printed to join the rest. Though I wonder what will happen to any of these things in the future. Funny things we do us human beings.

Nothing much interesting on the relationship front. I had a very vivid dream last night of being with someone- not having sex with them, but having them touch me and hold me. I remember that we were spooning, with my back to his big spoon. It felt incredibly real. When I woke up I was disturbed slightly. Although there was a lot more to the dream that was equally disturbing though in different ways. It was one of my 'epic' dreams and I woke up remembering quite a bit of it which is often just confusing. This was only one very small part.

I have only managed to lose 3 lbs since putting on 6 from going to Italy which I am not pleased about. This is pushing me to behave badly in respect to my eating to force the remaining 3 pounds to go. I dislike feeling obsessive about my weight, but then I dislike being overweight. Nothing new there. This current schedule does nothing to improve my eating. What I really wanted to do today was cook some good and healthy food but of course, what's the point. I can't take it to Cambridge with me, and it will rot here in the interim.

I don't want this all to be bitching and moaning however. I am in many ways looking forward to this year. I feel so much more in control of my work and what I need to do. Yes, there are a million annoyances clamoring for my time and attention, but I feel confident that I am on the right track and can tackle this whole PhD thing. Of course part of me feels quite strongly that what I'm doing would in no way be considered a real PhD by most US institutions, but what difference does it make once I have the thing? I'm getting a PhD from Cambridge! Not only that, but I seem to be doing it reasonably well. I'll stick with that for the time being. It gives me... energy and motivation to keep it up.

I'm sure there was something else I wanted to write about but I really can't remember what it was. Ah well.

Too Late

2011-01-15T19:37:00.002Z

Yesterday I had a very strange email conversation with Mr.Aloof. That's right, the twat who twisted me up and shat me out a few years ago. After therapy and after I told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms, he would tentatively reach out to me about every 3-6 months. At first these moments of contact frightened me, but as time passed, I began to feel nothing. If anything, I felt a bit bitchy towards him.

I suppose it shows just how over everything I am. He holds zero power over me, although he can still irritate me, it's mainly for being a stupid twat, not for actually harming me in any way. I guess I allow this intermittent contact because I remember that I actually really liked this person once. That there were qualities about him that I enjoyed as a person, not just as a carnal lover. But I have always been very clear with him that there was pretty much nothing left and that I chatted with him on a whim. I would disappear just as much as he used to.

So this has been the pattern for the past couple years. I barely even register it. But yesterday was a bit odd. He's in Japan now, as he has been for most of last year. I was in the office late. He was out drinking late. He was drunk. And interesting for a change. Open and provocative. But then he tried. He tried to see if there was a weakness there, a point of entry. Of course there was not. But his persistence was... well... strange. I have never attempted to give him any false hope or be anything less than blatantly honest about how I viewed things.

I suppose part of his character is this desire for the unattainable. I think this is how I appear to him now. Now he wants to see me, to be with me, he wants to know what I want. And on some level, this was pleasing to read in a rather malicious and vindictive way. Until I reminded myself that were I to be inclined to acquiesce to any of his interest I would find the same person I knew then. When he had what he pursued, he would no longer want it. I have zero interest in this game and told him as much.

Which of course, pissed him off. Which I found both amusing and irritating. He hasn't changed at all. He thinks he has changed but nothing has changed. Lost soul that he is. I almost feel badly for him, but then I do not. He has made his life-bed and so must sleep in it.

Still, it was a very strange conversation.

Italy was good. Very good. Nice to get away and get a real vacation and a real break. I don't remember when I last did. Of course it only gave me a taste for it and now I want more! Need to watch that budget though. This trip was it for the year perhaps, aside from the annual one stateside. We'll see. I do have enough air miles to go pretty much anywhere I want, but I'm saving them for just now until I have a very good idea.

I've come back, as expected, to a shitload of work. I knew this would be the case. All I really want to do is work on my own PhD research and yet I have tons of other things vying for my attention. January is half done and I only allowed January and February to develop stage one of my research. Of course there is still time, but I want to do that now, not do all this other crap. Currently I'm procrastinating from my coursework which is due on the 19th. I've only had this coursework since the end of November but I only really started it yesterday. I could smack myself around sometimes for this behavior, although in truth I was busy working on the 3D model for my paying client in December, so it's not like I was doing nothing.

I think coming back from holiday to all this work and grey weather has put me in a bit of a funk. I'm feeling very isolated at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why. But I'm sure it will pass.

Not Me

2011-01-02T11:19:00.002Z

Seeing as I've had somewhat similar information which has made me unhappy from two different people come at me in less than 12 hours, I figured it warrants a blog.

Last night I met up with Econ. He has generally been a twat, and I didn't have expectations in seeing him, and so all of that was fine. We met up for drinks in Hoxton. When he greeted me, he kissed me on the lips. But there was no real intimacy for the majority of the evening. We chatted, we played a couple rounds of scrabble. But there were slight touches here and there and at one point he rested his head on my shoulder and I stroked his hair. Then the bar was closing and we were parting and we were saying goodbye but it was just strange. He wasn't quite going, it was all a bit awkward. I told him he was weird. We talked a bit, I told him he was weird again and then he tells me that the other person he told me he was seeing in September, well, that had progressed a bit, for whatever that was worth. So okay. You wait until the entire end of an evening to tell me you are seeing someone else? Oh yeah, and he kissed me on the lips again to say goodbye. To be honest, if I was his girlfriend, I wouldn't be at all impressed with this behavior. I guess it's a good thing I'm not his girlfriend. It doesn't mean though that it still doesn't sting a bit, or that the annoyance isn't there.

Then I wake up this morning to an email from the jackrabbit in Columbia which was cool. And it was all very chatty and then he throws in at the last bit that he might be getting back together with his ex. Now with the jackrabbit, I didn't see a 'relationship' blooming, so it's not necessarily hurtful in the same way. But I find it's still a bit hurtful somehow. Maybe I thought we could continue our fun when he got back. And I guess as he's thinking of 'getting back together with someone' on top of the news of last night, it just smacks me on the face twice that it always seems to be 'not me' in dealings with guys.

And it hurts a bit.

Not paralytically, but enough to bug me.

There isn't anything to be done about it of course. And it's probably for the best in some ways because I knew that neither one of them was quite right for assorted reasons. So better to have that be more clear than less clear. But it leaves me at square zero pretty much. And to be honest I am oh so tired of being at square zero. I have a nice home here at square zero, and I know how to be happy here. But I see those other squares out there and I wonder why it is I just don't seem to be allowed to go on them.

I said to someone a few days ago that part of the problem I think is that I don't think I need a man. I want a man. And that's an entirely different proposition. I am clearly extremely independent and capable. And maybe this is off putting. Maybe I give off the wrong sort of vibe. I know that seems insulting in some way to people in relationships, but I just try to understand what it is about me that creates my life, and this is something that seems to come up frequently.

Or maybe I'm just grasping at straws. Because it's easier to have explanations than no explanations. And it's better for me to have explanations that are not 'I am shit'. And that's the only good thing I can say. I'm not entirely hating myself this morning over this. Though maybe there's a slight whiff of it in the air, I'm not embracing it. So that's a good thing.

Regardless. It will all pass and it will all be fine. I'm off to Italy tomorrow morning so I can have a real vacation from my life. I think I need it.

End of the Year Assessment

2010-12-31T11:09:00.004Z

Writing has slipped a bit, although not entirely. I've started a new blog/e-zine with a couple of friends of mine which has taken some of my time away. Although that's personal in a sense that we are commenting on things, it's also work related, so it's not personal in the way this blog is. If you know me and you want the link, send me an email. If you don't know me, I'm afraid that there will be no link between this blog and that as I use my real name there.

So it's the end of the year. Or really, a rather arbitrary moment in time that we call the end of the year. I generally hate new years as the biggest let down and non-holiday holiday that there is. People always put so much effort and need into it and it almost always disappoints. So I generally opt out of New Years type celebrations. But I don't tend to opt out of reflection, because reflection is what I do best. Usually I just spout off on my own but I saw a rather long end of year assessment form so I figure this year I'll try something different.

What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
A lot. Though starting the PhD is probably the biggest and most significant. I also became a British citizen.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions as I figure it's only a sure way to disappointment. My goal in life is to improve my happiness and satisfaction. I think I most certainly worked towards this aim this past year. My goal for next year will be the same.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, although babies and children featured prominently in the year. Two close friends of mine were trying to get pregnant. One is not yet pregnant and starting various invasive treatments, and one found out her partner is infertile. Another friend of mine didn't gain a baby but instead a step-child (well, basically, they're not married yet but they are all living together).

Did anyone close to you die?
No. Thankfully.

What countries did you visit?
This year was not very good for travel. I think I only went to the States and traveled around the UK. I'm starting next year off better however as on Monday I'm off to Italy!!

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A relationship. A good relationship.

What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm thinking back over the year and I have to say that no particular date is standing out or coming to mind. My birthday trip to the New Forest was excellent and I saw an amazing shooting star. The Xmas party of my industrial partner I got to attend at the Savoy Hotel. Getting set on fire unintentionally and losing a chunk of hair.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I still think starting the PhD is huge and as part of that, writing my first year report which was 24,000 words and 76 pages was the biggest thing I've ever written and a huge fucking deal. It made me feel confident that I could actually do this PhD thing and wasn't completely faking it. It isn't entirely tangible but I'd say one of my biggest achievements of the year is a positive change in self confidence, both professionally and personally. It has a long way to go, but I can see that I've improved and am not as hindered as I once was by the complete lack.

What was your biggest failure?
I'm struggling to think of anything as a failure. I've been lazy. I've lied. I gained some weight (when I say this, I mean only around 5 pounds but it's 5 pounds over what I consider my maximum weight and so I'm annoyed) and generally feel less fit even though I cycle in Cambridge.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, there was the whole hair on fire thing, but I wasn't really injured. I've been plagued by sinus trouble this year and a particularly bad bout of my skin problems. I now have the winter cough that won't go away. I also fucked up my shoulder at some point and continue to suffer various upper back, shoulder, and neck pain mostly due to bad posture. Oh and the BOHS came back which was very unwelcome. No hospital visits though, so I consider it all a success.

What was the best thing you bought?
My new computer. Was that this year or the end of last year? I think it was this year when I went home around Easter. It was time for a new computer and I couldn't be happier with how well this one has worked out for me.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friend H who I went on my birthday camping trip with and spent Xmas with has been pretty amazing this year in terms of her ability to do for others without wanting in return. I would be more selfish than she is, or at least expect more reciprocation. She's really done a lot in the name of simple friendship this year and it was over and above the norm or what's expected.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The most clear winner in this category is M. She has been a complete nightmare this year and I am annoyed by her continual sense of self righteousness and passive aggressive behavior. She has behaved terribly and it's shocking. In addition to that, there were two boys this year who generally acted like twats and were huge disappointments. My downstairs neighbor and his fence also would rate high on this list.

Where did most of your money go?
Most of it went to food, shelter, and transportation. This includes my weekly train back and forth to Cambridge and the extra accommodation that I pay for there. When I've splurged I've tended to splurge on meals out with friends, so that still falls under the food category. I did have some big purchases like the computer, my voice recorder pen, some clothes and shoes.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finding my PhD topic, finishing my first year report, the Xmas party at the Savoy. My citizenship ceremony.

What song will always remind you of 2010?
I never think of songs and years. If there was some occasion that had a particular song playing, then maybe it would stick in my head. But this is not the role that music plays in my life. However, as I've just edited this to remember including my citizenship ceremony, how about 'God Save the Queen'?

Compared to this time last year you are: Happier or sadder?
Happier. Though there is always room for more.

Compared to this time last year you are: Thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Though probably only by 5 pounds, but it's enough to make me very very cross.

Compared to this time last year you are: Richer or poorer?
Richer. And certainly more stable. This time last year I was probably doing better as I was working for my old office, but it is entirely unclear how long that would have lasted. The PhD stipend is meager but do-able. I still take up some contract work, I have my lodger. It's enough for me to live my life generally how I want without worry right now though I'm obviously not saving much to speak of.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Traveling. Having sex (though this wasn't completely up to me obviously). Seeing friends.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Letting people get to me. Commuting, although it couldn't be helped.

How did you spend Xmas?
Xmas Eve veggie feast at H's. Xmas morning present opening. Horse riding. Veggie feast leftovers. Volunteering at a Crisis dependency shelter. Dinner at another friend's. Crashing out when I couldn't drink anymore.

How many one-night stands?
None. I really don't like them and wouldn't aspire to any. Though G is practically a one night stand with only two nights to account for and his follow-up behavior.

What was your favorite TV program?
Being Human and Misfits will both rank high. I discovered Gavin and Stacey even though it was already finished.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a very strong word, so generally I'd say no, but M has seriously pushed my patience to the limit.

What was the best book you read?
I read a lot of books. I'm trying to think if anything made it to the shelf this year. Probably the best things I read this year were more work oriented than entertaining. Green Metropolis made a big impression on me.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Again, I really don't think that I think of music in this way. I don't spend time listening to much new music or being up to date with musicians. I tend to rely on old favorites. WXPN World Cafe Cd's always provide new stimulation however. And if I really had to pick a new discovery it would be Tim Minchin who I only learned about this year and then got to see perform. I heart him.

What did you want and get?
Er... a computer? Some sex? British citizenship! That was a big deal, and a long time wanting!

What was your favorite film of this year?
Damn. I'm not sure I remember the films I saw this year. I'm sure I saw some good films as well, but I'm having a hard time calling any to mind. I'm going to have to say Scott Pilgrim vs. the World which was a really entertaining film and I had entertaining company for it. Unfortunately that company turned out to be one of the two twatty boys. Avatar was also good, if only for the pure visual spectacle of it.

What did you do on your birthday and hold old were you?
I was camping in the New Forest with H. I was riding my bike across a stream. I was eating Ottolenghi treats under an open sky and watching meteors. I was sleeping in a tent. I was reading the True Blood books. I was stroking the nose of a horse. I turned 36.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Concept? What concept?

What kept you sane?
My friends. Always.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I never particularly fancy celebrities. I think they'd all be arrogant and shit in bed.

What political issue stirred you the most?
All of them? I am not in favor of the new UK government and many of their policies. Intense budget cuts with no real plans for how to address the issues, tuition fee increases without a good plan for providing funding for students who need it. In the US the continual polarization of politics is infuriating. As are climate change deniers and the lack of the Conference of Parties to reach a global agreement on emissions.

Who did you miss?
My Aunt. I always miss my aunt even though she's been gone over 10 years now. I missed S who is off in Africa. I missed a lot of my friends as I was often someplace else.

Who was the best new person you met?
I met a lot of people in Cambridge this year and at my industrial partner's office. I also met a guy who dazzled me and who also has turned into one of the worst people I met all year. Typical.

What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010?
I do have actual skills. Yes, they could be better, and yes, there are people out there better than me but it doesn't invalidate that I actually have skills of my own.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about....

And Relax

2010-12-11T09:54:00.003Z

Well, sort of. For the most part. December 10th has now come and gone and with it the last bit of major work that I needed to concern myself with this year. The workshop seemed to go very well. There were a lot of important and knowledgeable people there who seemed to really get into what we were asking them to do. There were a couple of small glitches, but mostly things that I noticed, because I am a perfectionist and because I am actually reasonably good at this sort of stuff, I notice when people don't do as well or don't do what they should have done. But it didn't negatively impact the day in particular, and so in general I would say it went well.

I was exhausted going home- I feel fast asleep on the bus. I mean, I often fall asleep on the bus but I wouldn't have been surprised if I was snoring or something this time. I was really out of it and did the whole 'jerk awake' thing a couple of times.

This morning my cough seems a bit worse for all the talking I've been doing lately, and my back and neck are sort of hurting (though this is probably more from doing exactly what I'm doing now- typing on the sofa as opposed to sitting in a good chair). But really I'm looking at a significant portion of down time until mid-January when I need to kick off with my own work and research now, which I'm really very excited about (though somewhat intimidated by).

This past week on Wednesday I also had my second meeting as 'Director of Studies' with my three students on the Master's course at Cambridge. Those went very well and I was flattered because all three of the students reported that in discussion with other students on the course, they all felt I was the best DoS and also supervisor that anyone had. That made me feel very good. Who wouldn't like validation for the work that they do? But in particular I do think that after the PhD I want to look into teaching more and it's this sort of thing that makes me feel like that's exactly the right decision. I know I won't be ideal for every student, and there will always be students who don't like me, or don't get what I'm trying to tell them. But in general if the feedback is positive, then that will help me overcome my tendency to fixate on 'bad things'. At any rate, right now I feel very good about it because all I got was positive feedback so that made me happy.

Amusingly this experience was contrasted by having a big argument on the same day with A who is the other PhD student that started when I started. We were discussing the information for the workshop and he had undertaken one of the major exercises and we were going through it and I was pointing out a few things I would change. Everything I point out to him he argues with me about. I wanted to be like, "Look. I've done probably over 100 consultations, workshops, stakeholder meetings, or professional meetings with diverse professional people IN THIS INDUSTRY and I think I know what wording works best and what doesn't, and how to put together a handout." But I didn't, because that would have been incredibly bitchy and probably not received well. But honestly. It's entirely obvious that he feels a need to 'prove' that we are equal, but I'm ten years older than him and have worked substantially, so while we are equal in the PhD sense, we are certainly not equal in the life experience sense and I really wish he'd recognize that sometimes instead of always arguing with me.

Also, when someone argues with me like that about something I am sure about, I don't back down either. So it becomes a very useless exercise. I did keep saying to him that I didn't want to discuss it and we needed to call the third person (who I knew he would listen to) but he just kept hammering on about it so I kept deflecting. It was just overall, very annoying. But I'm really not sure how else to deal with him as I'm certainly not going to let him have has own way, especially when it is anything that is going to have my name attached to it, and I think he's completely and utterly wrong.

In boy land there isn't too much of interest going on. Little jackrabbit is off in Columbia, though he did send me an email so that was nice. I also have been sitting on a huge annoyance at Econ so I sent him a text last night which only said 'nudge' but was enough to kick off a text conversation and plans to meet up next week and maybe the week after. I probably shouldn't have done that in the sense that, I should find a way to just let him drop off. But I knew that he'd be in touch at some point anyway so it's no good to try and let someone go when they just pop up again unless it's more finished in my opinion. So whatever. I don't hope for anything from him in particular, and I do enjoy his company, and if we meet up maybe I will tell him off for being so crap about things. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Later tonight I'm going to Volupte for a friend's birthday. What I really need to do is go get a dress for that because I don't have anything to wear. That was my original plan for today- dress shopping. But right now I"m relaxing on the sofa as I can't stand the thought of the holiday crowds. Where can I go shopping with good selection which is not Oxford Circus? Need to think.

Winter Sport?

2010-11-28T16:24:00.003Z

It's Sunday afternoon and so as soon as I eat an early dinner I'm going to pack up my panniers and head off to Cambridge. It's already dark out, so I've missed my chance at daylight. And it's also very cold, although in London it has not snowed, it has snowed in other places around the country.

Cycling in the cold is a very different exercise than cycling in the summer. Unfortunately, there is really no good alternative for transportation. Last week I was up in Cambridge without the bike because I got a free ride. It was fairly miserable to have to walk everywhere, and although I'm sure all the walking was good for me, it annoyed me and ate up my time. I feel like I waste enough time on trains as it is, I don't need to waste extra time walking around when I could at least quarter that by being on two wheels.

I have a ski jacket which helps block the wind and keep me warm, although I don't think it's a particularly brilliant ski jacket and it's a bit bulky. I have ski gloves with grips as well which help, but I find that even the best gloves do little to keep my hands warm. Although this has never been verified, I think I have poor circulation in my hands, so this doesn't help.

The helmet is a bit of a challenge. It's critical to keep my ears covered, so I have a fleece headband I can wear beneath the brim of the helmet. But I also need to protect my face. What I really need desperately is a pair of cycling glasses. What I will also use is a thin scarf I can generally wrap around my head and fit under my helmet.

Legs are also a bit of a challenge. Jeans are not the warmest leg covering, and yet they are my mainstay of leg garb. Ideally perhaps I would wear something under the jeans, some sort of thermals. But that requires effort I don't have. Also, once I get to where I am going, I'd need to somehow dispose of the thermals which seems like a pain. So I'll suffer on legs and hands for the time being, albeit with some degree of coverage.

It makes me feel a bit hardcore to gear up and get out there like this. Although, as I say, I don't see any other alternative, so it's either suck it up and get on with it, or I don't know what. I don't really see the point of complaining or being miserable about it. I'd rather find ways to enjoy the experience.

Gearing Back Up

2010-11-22T13:50:00.003Z

I've had a week to sort of be brain dead. Although that wasn't a very good plan as I had a lot of things I could have (and should have) been doing. But I needed to recharge so I mostly did it through work-related inactivity. I did take the opportunity to meet up with various people so that was nice. An entire morning spent in bed. Some time spent at home.

In fact, when I think on it, it's a bit of a haze. I don't know what I did really this past week for the most part, except that I tried to do as little work as possible. Except now I have work to do again, and it's pretty much going to be a push from now through December 10.

I have two meetings this week- one with my supervisor and the other with my adviser, for their comments on my first year report draft. That's due on the 3rd. So once I get the final comments I'm going to need to get back into that. I think I've taken enough of a break from it that I can bear to look at it again. As an observation, my first year report is about 24,000 words and 76 pages. The maximum for a PhD in the engineering department is 65,000 words. So my final PhD will be not quite 3x as big as what I just did. Holy shit.

I'm somehow in charge of organizing a workshop for 'very important people' on the 10th. Preparation work for this workshop has slipped a lot and it needs to gear back up as well. But this is overlapped with getting my first year report done. Obviously my own work takes priority, but only by a small amount as this is sort of related. It will all come together, but it's going to be a rough go.

At least I had some fun. A good portion of this weekend was spent corrupting the young jackrabbit. We met up on Saturday night and spent the evening wandering around the city so he could take some photos. We headed back to mine with a pit stop for him to get coffee to drink in the morning since I don't drink coffee and only have instant which was apparently not good enough. Got home and fooled around and went to sleep. The previous two times he's slept over I haven't snored but apparently I snored. So he kept nudging me. Which doesn't really bother me but means he didn't sleep that well, alas. At least he had his coffee in the morning. Eventually we got up and managed to get down to my local nice cafe for brunch, then got more coffee from an Italian place I've never actually eaten at on Lower Clapton Road but keep meaning to, then came back to mine again.

As the boy is addicted to oatmeal raisin cookies and his favorite ones have stopped being sold at Tesco, I made a batch of cookies. To pass the time while I baked, I gave the boy a pot brownie and set him up on the computer. Eventually all the cookies were done, and only some had succumbed to the munchies and we went back up to my room. I had invited the boy last weekend to come with me this Sunday to the return of Peer Rope London. I figured this was as good a way to corrupt someone as anything. A generally low-key event full of kinky people and lots and lots of rope. So he was a bit nervous about this and had some questions about rope. So I showed him some pictures online and then, of course, offered a demonstration. So I tied the high boy up in a chest harness and started fooling around with him. This was fun. I'm really not overly toppy- so this was slightly awkward for me in that I don't like being the one in control, or having the focus on me and what I'm doing. But the boy makes me feel very comfortable and so that made it a bit easier. Plus I wanted to ensure that he was enjoying the experience which gave me some focus.

We had quite a bit of fun with the boy moderately disabled. He wasn't as disabled as all that, just without the use of his arms. But he managed to be sneaky about reaching around from behind his back where his wrists were secured and a good time was generally had by all. Eventually we made our way to the PRL and got there perhaps not quite an hour after it started where there was some group lessons going on. The jackrabbit and I ended up talking to Heathrow which was interesting, though thankfully not awkward. Luckily the lessons ended so soon the mats were free. And a very lovely lady came in looking to be tied up so I had my first bunny.

I felt very out of practice with my ropework as I haven't done any for many months now. But it apparently didn't matter. I think I manage to provide a good... service if that makes sense. In the meantime, the jackrabbit, who had all his camera equipment from the night before, got permission from my bunny to take some photos. As per usual, she simply asked for no face shots, but that's sort of standard within the community and he agreed. So as I tied her up, he was taking loads of photos. And a lot of them came out really well. Eventually I let my bunny go and had H ready and willing to be tied up. So I had a second practice round. With her I wanted to try something different. I don't mind doing that with H because she knows me so if I screw something up it's not so bad, I wouldn't really want to do things too experimental with someone new because it could be less fun for them if I keep undoing something. But it worked okay. Not exactly what I wanted, but pretty good. And the jackrabbit was taking photos of that as well which was fun. Then I asked Mr.G to tie me up, and he did, although it was a bit short, and it was certainly rough. Not that I minded the rough part. At some point I was showing the jackrabbit how to do a two-column tie on me which is the basic tie for attaching any two 'posts' or 'columns' together (like two wrists, wrist to thigh, ankle to ankle, chest to arm, etc.). And at some point K was tying up H and asked for some advice so I helped out there with some ideas but generally left them to it. And a very good time was had by all.

I'm looking forward to the jackrabbits photos, as they were somewhat abstract, I might put some up here. But eventually he had to go. Now,I knew that he was off traveling shortly, and had only learned on Saturday that he actually leaves in 2 weeks. I thought okay, well, I guess I'll get to see him one more time before he leaves. But as he left the event he said he wasn't sure if he'd have time to meet up before he took off as he had so much to do so that was a bit sad. I mean, I guess it's a toss up- do you say something early and taint the entire time together or do you say something at the end? Well, it's obvious which one he did, I'm just not sure which is better. He left after our goodbyes and I sort of had this small hole of 'oh'. Disappointment that perhaps that is all there was. But manageable. After all, I did always know he was going. It just sort of came abruptly.

At any rate, Heathrow gave me a lift back to Cambridge so I'm up here now but without my bike as it wouldn't possibly fit in his car. I suppose the walking is good for me, although my legs are incredibly sore. It's amazing how many muscles sex uses. Seriously. It must be a better workout than them gym for me to feeling it this much. Clearly the answer to my physical fitness is more sex! Ha.

So that's it. Pleasant memories of the week gone by to fortify me for this next uphill battle. Probably just what I needed.

It's Just a Number

2010-11-16T18:17:00.003Z

Recently I find that it is hard to remember how old I am. I mean, I know how old I am, but sometimes I think, is that right or is it another year this way or that? I actually had to think about it based on birth year earlier today to make sure that I was right.

I guess as you get older this matters less and less. Although it matters to some people a great deal. It will matter to me when I am 40, or at least, I might remember that year, that I am actually 40. But that's still almost four years away and a lot will happen between then and now.

Sometimes I wonder where all the time goes. I was thinking of my little jackrabbit and his youthful 28, considering what I was doing in my life when I was 28, and I was, in fact, moving to the UK. Then I think about how much I have grown between then and now- how much has changed. It's a lot really. But it never feels like that.

I was reading something the other day by a woman who is at least 20 years older than me and she was saying that when she thinks of herself, she still thinks of herself as she always has. Some sort of ageless 20-something. Not that she was 20-something, but that she didn't feel her age.

What does age feel like? I know there are symptoms of getting old. These damn body failures for starters. There was certainly a time I would have physically bounced back from most trauma. It's no longer a guarantee. I know that I'm much happier with myself now then I was when I was younger. This is a positive thing.

Youth is wasted on the young, and I used to think that was about the very young. But it applies to the vaguely young as well. How I wish I could occupy my 20 year old self with my 36 year old knowledge. How different my life could have been. But I don't really regret it, rather, it amuses me- that life in perpetuity is simply an exercise of 'so unfair'. You might as well find it funny, because there's no point getting angry about it.

Something I read recently said that to get into the habit for your PhD you should write every day. I'm not sure they meant that you should write in a journal, but I do need to get back into the habit of writing. So the blog is going to benefit from this for a while I think.

I feel out of the habit. That my posts are disjointed and unpurposed. Although my writing has never been overly purposeful. I've definitely gotten out of the habit of talking about 'things going on'. I think perhaps I should try more of that.

Body Fail

2010-11-15T22:47:00.003Z

As I know my readership is incredibly low, I never overly worry much about what I write here. But sometimes I do, seeing as I like most of the people I know who check in here, and know most of them, or at least half of them, in real life. Some things I want to keep a record of are embarrassing. It gives me pause.

So Saturday night I saw the young jackrabbit who did not disappoint. We had a lovely evening out on the town and ended up in the Trocadero (I think) playing arcade games for tickets with a bottle of wine cleverly poured into a water bottle. Ah those crazy youngsters- what will they think of next?? Eventually I brought the boy home with me where a fun time was had by all. This was followed by a morning outing to find the addicted boy some coffee and then more fun to be had by all, followed by a rest, a bit of corruption on my part, the boy having his first go with a flogger, finding out that it sort of turned him on, and still yet more fun was had by all.

He left around mid day in the hopes of finding better coffee which left me two hours to shower and get ready to meet the new date. But the new date postponed for this week. Which was just as well as I was tired. And had a hickey, although it was discretely towards the back of my neck and hidden by hair. So more on that to come.

The BOHS seems to be vaguely under control but I'm not at all convinced it's gone. Mostly because I haven't actually quit fiddling with myself since it came back. I should have given it a solid two week break and I didn't manage. Don't think about pink elephants and all that.

But that's not the particular body fail that I have in mind. In fact there are two.

The first is the horrible cough. The sinusitis or post nasal trip that seems to plague me every winter. It arrived after my cold a month ago and has not left. My sinuses are swollen and irritated. I cough a lot. People notice. It makes me feel self conscious and the coughing can also be somewhat tiring. On the plus side I've managed to arrange a visit to my local GP ENT specialist. According to the GP by phone I spoke to this morning, he's the local 'go to guy' for all the surgeries in the area which bodes well. Well, at least for that he might know what he's doing but I'm not holding my breath. Still, I fervently hope he has something useful to tell me so at least I can feel like I'm doing something.

The other problem is a bit more discreet. But seeing as no one seems to actually read these things, I feel it's much safer this far down the post. I've been suffering from vaginal itching- it's embarrassing and unpleasant. It is actually something I noticed a while ago. When my skin was so terrible earlier this year and was so utterly out of control, I started to get itching 'down there' and all I could imagine is that it was related. That somehow my skin disease had spread to my hoo-ha. I tried using some of the milder skin creams I had and it seemed to help but I was wary of using too much steroid based stuff on delicate mucus membranes. It never seemed to last very long and even went away for a while.

But it's back. It's back with a vengeance. I feel like a pervert and also like a sadist as I try to alleviate the itch without actually scratching anything (as that would clearly make it all worse). I'm sure all the sex didn't help matters at all. I'm not quite convinced I should see a doctor about it yet as I rather dread that appointment. I'm hoping it will calm down and get under control all on it's own. Or with some help. As it's fairly irritated, I'm reluctant to use the steroids, but before I left London I tried some lotion to see if just some basic lubrication would ease things and it actually helped a lot. So I'm going to try that for a bit and hope it goes away. Still, it's really awful to have things just 'go wrong' with you. And I think worse if they have anything to do with private areas. No one talks about such things so you just feel very much alone and even a bit ashamed. At any rate, we'll see.

On the body win side or quasi body fail depending on how you look at it, I also had a minor freak out last week that my weight had crept up beyond what I consider the limit of acceptability. Now I am someone who pretty much never diets and loves food, but I couldn't allow this to stay where it was or god forbid, continue. So I started to quasi diet which really only means that I've been incredibly strict about portions and snacking. Since I started this, I have managed to return to the upper limit of acceptable weight (which means I lost about 6 pounds) but as it's been somewhat successful, I'm tempted to keep it up to see what happens. I'm going to assume 'not much' because it's important to note that I'm not really dieting, just being careful about portions but still pretty much eating what I want and I assume that has limits on how far it's going to take me. I'm just a bit curious to see how far that is. And I'm pleased to have gotten back into the acceptable zone. So that's good.

In completely other and unrelated news, my windfall came in today which was pretty cool. Of course that money is to cover me until this time next year, when the next installment should come, so it's important not to get too excited. But that much money all in one check is pretty exciting. Hello Italy. Oh yes, my upcoming Italy trip. I haven't written about that yet. Next time.

Boys boys boys

2010-11-13T14:40:00.004Z

My keeping count post was done as part of this post, perhaps. Seeing as my dating life is having a small injection of activity, and that it's been a bit of high and low, I figure it's worth putting down my thoughts on the matter overall.

It would be wrong of me to not start off by saying that I was (and still am) really disappointed by the Econ situation. It's terrible to meet someone that you feel so strongly about and to not have that feeling be returned. I know that it's normal, common even. But it doesn't make it any less disappointing or painful. I say painful not because I was emotionally attached to him, but more because I recognize that the people I feel this way about are so few and far between. I don't meet one very often at all, and then on top of that, to have them not return my interest, is just really difficult. I have no idea of when another one might appear again.

So in the meantime I've made some effort to try and 'put myself out there'. Which is I think a cyclical process. I don't think dating like this is something you can do continuously. It wears you down all of this small talk and getting to know people. And the odds are not in your favor. But lets face it, the options are otherwise...? I have never met someone in the course of my day to day life that I have then begun dating. If I had to look at the odds in terms of what was a more productive tactic, it's -very- clear that waiting around for my regular life to spit someone up is pretty much a zero chance game. So I use Internet dating. But as I say, it can be very very draining, and I think you just need to go at it when you feel up for it, and honestly don't get to fussed about it when you don't.

So what have I been up to then? I was contacted by a young lad. He's amusing and entertaining, and cute. But he is young, and perhaps not quite as much of a thinker as a I prefer. But I enjoy his company and attention and I want a distraction. So that's alright. I'm going to see him tonight. I saw him last weekend. Distractions are good.

But then I suppose I'm being a bit naughty because even though I'm planning an overnight with the young jackrabbit, I have a date scheduled for tomorrow. It's a first date, and I'm not getting my hopes up very much because there isn't any reason to. But that's alright, it is another type of distraction. One that hopefully I won't have a massive hickey on my neck for, because perhaps that would be inappropriate. But that's also what turtlenecks are for.

I despair of all of this sometimes, I really do. Meeting someone you think is the bees knees only to be rebuffed. Meeting people who think you are some sort of bees knees and only to rebuff them. How does anyone ever manage??

And yet.

I know the answer to that, which is both consoling and not. It doesn't happen very often. That's the answer. Out of all the people I know in relationships, a reasonable proportion are in relationships I would not want. And I know a number of single people. The number of people in relationships I would aspire to for myself are few, perhaps, if I am generous, maybe 25% of people I know.

So what does this mean? If not that desire and longing is futile, instead that the odds are not in my favor. I want a relationship, I have always wanted a relationship. But I want a good relationship. And I understand that comes with sacrifice and compromise, because lets be honest, most relationships do. So I'm not saying that what I want is all my way or nothing, not at all. In fact I am frequently a person to bend over backwards for a partner within a relationship. I just want to find someone that I want to do that for, who lo and behold, might want to do that for me too. Who fancies me as much as I fancy them. Who actually wants to be with me who I actually want to be with.

It seems impossible sometimes, it really does. And to be honest, it's nothing I've ever experienced in my life. That can't bode particularly well I think, sometimes.

But I'm not giving up. And I'm not blaming myself (like I'm sure I used to do). I'll keep trucking along and trying. When the energy is there. Because while I think that it's very unlikely, it's still possible. And just because it's unlikely, it doesn't mean I want it any less. So to not acknowledge that either would be a mistake.

But I recognize that it might not happen, and that I can't pin my self image, my self worth or my happiness on whether or not it does. It doesn't mean there is a single thing wrong with me, it just means it wasn't my turn in this life. And as we all know, life's not fair. So why should it be now?

At any rate, I'm going through a phase of trying. Of being available. Of going out. Of meeting people. And it's providing a fruitful distraction. And a distraction is nice. It's not what I want ultimately, but it's alright. It's good for right now.

Honestly though. Boys. Can't live with 'em....

Headlong

2010-11-12T09:44:00.003Z

It is 9:45 in the morning. I have done a bit of work so far, but not enough. I'm at the difficult point of my report now. The only things left are the difficult things. As it is due by the end of the day, there is no more time to pussyfoot around these things, they simply must get done. Today I am engrossing myself in research methodologies and research design and program. I need to just get a version out there. Then I will have three weeks to refine and revise.

It's been a bit of a hard slog recently. I wish I'd done some things differently. I wish I'd known then what I know now. If I ever supervise a PhD student, I will be able to help them better than I have been given help. Not that I'm doing badly, I think this was just more difficult then it had to be.

It's an important step. It's a big submission. Currently 71 pages and 21,500 words (give or take). That will probably grow by five pages by the end of the day lets say. Five pages and then it's off. Then I have a lot of other stuff to get on with, but I'm not worried about that just now. Only this. It's only about this. The end is fast approaching, and I'm out of choices. Just need to get it done.

Keeping Count Part 2 - Growth

2010-11-07T13:00:00.007Z

I am of course, procrastinating. I have a huge huge huge deadline for this Friday and have been working hard, although there is still much to do.

I've had something of a naughty weekend. Well, not weekend but Friday night. This involved me hooking up with M- on our second date. This was a lot of fun. I even managed to work around the BOHS, so that was an added bonus. But it's occurred to me that this means that I have had sex with three people now, this year. This significantly changes my 'number'. So I think it's time for a new list to update the old. I am also, for the first time, going to use real first names. Because it's easier that way, and lets face it- they aren't particularly telling about anything at all.

Sean - 1994, +1y

Ben - 1999? (might have been '98), 2x?, 0y

Nick - 2004? (might have been '05) 1x, -5y

Barry - 2005 1x, +20y

Peter - 2005, 2006 2x, +10y

Alan - 2006-2008, +10y

John - 2008, +4y

Jo - 2008-2010 (with significant breaks), -1y

Mel - 2009, 0y

Gavin - 2010 2x, -3y

Leigh - 2010 3x, -1y

Michael - 2010 2x, -8y

2010 is a busy year it seems. I feel like some sort of dorky teenager with these lists, but sex is still, STILL so novel to me, that it seems important. Or maybe it's the only way I can get my head around trying to quantify my experiences, by being quantitative about it. I'm still not counting girls. Or maybe I should. Maybe it's a separate list. It's clearly much shorter.

Melanie & Kelly - 1997 1x
Lucy - 2008-9, 3x
Clair - 2008-10, (with significant breaks)

I think some of the dates are off, although it would be easy enough to check that mostly back through this blog or for older activities, my written journals. But this is a good enough guess for me now, and to be honest I'm procrastinating enough. I should write something about my recent entertainment, and the hickey on my neck. But I think that will have to wait for another time. I haven't had this much action since 2005. It's been kind of exciting, but also it's kind of depressing. I would like to have a relationship. Like, a real relationship that lasted for a while, where I have been with someone long enough to forget how many times we've actually had sex. In a way, the list just reminds me of how scant the experiences seem, how much dashed hope there has been.

Still, it is what it is, and it's here for me to keep track!

Unwelcome Guest

2010-10-30T10:40:00.003+01:00

I'm trying to be good and get work done this Saturday morning, but its almost 11 and although I've done a small bit of side work, I have not worked on my first year report, which had been my intention when my alarm went off at 7 this morning.

I didn't mean to get up at 7, I just wanted to start the process of waking up. And as part of my process of waking up and having a lie in, I thought a morning orgasm was in order. That's pretty typical for me. So far, nothing of note here.

What was of note however, was the unwelcome return of the BOHS. Are you fucking kidding me? I stopped at the first sign of stabbing head pain, but I still have a residual headache in the right half of my head hours later. And that was fom pretty rapid stopping.

A few days ago, although I didn't get the stabby head pain, I did feel a certain 'tightness' in my head post orgasm, or sort of throughout the 'final stages' as it were, and it did cross my mind then that it seemed dangerously close to tripping into pain territory. But I have had at least a couple of orgasms between then and this morning with no head pain.

Regardless, this is a most unwelcome development. I mean, after so much stress and heavy workload, it seems entirely fair and reasonable that orgasms are the way forward to good health and relaxation and now I am going to have to be off the sauce for at least a week if not two.

I'm also disturbed that this is the first time it has reappeared since what was it, 2004?? Unacceptable.

Should I consider this karmic retribution for not getting on with my work enough? Funny that the two week standard waiting period coincides with the two weeks I have to get a first draft of my first year report together. Or really I'm just being silly looking for mystic connections that don't exist.

Still. Fucking BOHS. Fuck fuck fuck!

Pushing the Edge

2010-10-23T17:00:00.004+01:00

I told myself that at 5pm I would go take a shower and get dressed as I have people arriving no later than 6:45 and we are immediately going out for the evening. Of course it has turned 5pm and I find I am now blogging because this is what I do.

I am still sick which I am not enjoying at all. I am enjoying having my American drugs and being back in London but I don't really need to be going out for a late one tonight. Unfortunately it's been planned for ages, and with people coming in to the city and staying at my house, it's not something I can exactly back out of. I could if I was really completely fucked, but seeing as I'm only partially fucked, I'm afraid it's a night out for me.

This week was completely fucking mental and one I would not like to see the likes of again. Monday London, Tuesday Cambridge, Wednesday London, Thursday Cambridge/Duxford, Friday Cambridge/London. Meetings, class, lecturing, conference, meetings and more meetings. And on top of this an emergency meeting with my supervisor who was 'worried about me'. I hope that she is not worried about me anymore- but it's never nice to look like you're falling behind and failing. Between being sick and being stressed I said some stuff that was perhaps a bit... extreme, so I freaked her out. I think it's all okay and back on track now and that the next three weeks will be manageably busy as opposed to horrifically busy.

Currently I spend my time considering my snot content and breathing status. So I'm not really thinking ahead over much just this moment. I'm hoping by the end of the weekend that will change. Though I'm not exactly helping myself by a night out. I'll just need to take it as easy as I can and stay warm.

Seeing as I'm completely self absorbed with illness and deadlines at the moment, I am not really thinking about my social life which is just as well. I haven't particularly talked to Econ since last weekend which is normal for us, but it isn't really bothering me which is just as well. I don't really need something else to worry or stress about. I would like to see him again, and soon, though preferably when both of us are not ill. So hopefully. And then maybe I'll have more to say about it. Or not. He's currently a very fun distraction, when he's around or I'm available to have a distraction. So that's good. And I'm not being mental about it at all, so that's also good as far as I can tell.

Okay, I really need to think about showering and getting dressed. Although I have an idea of what I might wear this evening, I'm not at all sure it's going to work and I could find that I'm entirely screwed in the clothes department. I really don't have much by the way of party clothes. Perhaps at some point in the near future I should remedy that, but it's not going to help me for tonight, is it?

Don't Tempt Fate

2010-10-21T19:37:00.002+01:00

What happens when mania explodes is clearly that I get terribly ill. Yes, I am terribly ill now. Not that I have less to do, just that I have lost the will to live and most of the ability to speak or breathe correctly. It hit me after my day of teaching- I thought I had a sore throat just from talking all day, but as it turns out, I've come down with a nasty cold. I'm also in Cambridge just now and do not have access to my American drugs, so I am suffering through the aches and pains and congestion seeing as how my lemsip pills do pretty much fuck all. I am going to try and get a lot of sleep tonight, go to the meetings I have to do tomorrow and immediately head back to London and my own bed. And not stress and think about the work I am otherwise not doing, because I really need to just get well. Ridiculous.

I Don't Know How Magnets Work

2010-10-19T19:48:00.005+01:00

My life is in full swing manic mode. I was considering over the weekend if it's possible to have a manic episode solely induced by work and stress. I think the answer must be yes. Of course I sit around wondering what it's going to be like when the crash hits, but perhaps it's already happening as things spiral ever so slightly out of control.

I know that I'm in trouble when I can't still my thoughts. I stumble over words because my brain is trying to juggle too many things. My hands shake more than usual. I have realistic dreams - about doing work. I show up late to things.

Of course, this will pass, and I will be okay but it's a hard slog at the moment. Too many commitments that are all intertwined but are prohibiting me from actually doing my own work, you know, that stuff that's required for me to actually get a PhD. I haven't done any of my own work for a week. And I have a major deadline in a couple weeks time. Oh dear.

But enough about work. It's busy, it's messy, it's stressful, but it's also great. I love that I am getting funded to do this for a living. I have deadlines and tasks but I don't have drudgery. I don't have to show up at the same place every day and work my 9-5. It's hard and this is a particularly awful patch, but in the greater scheme of life, it's fantastic.

So on to other things and updates since I haven't written here for a while.

This weekend my friend L came to stay from Wales. She's a doctor friend that I met through my original doctor friend C a while ago now. She came to London to go to this conference thing full of skeptics. I wasn't overly aware of the skeptic movement prior to her attendance at the TAM event. They seem okay, although slightly cliquey, which sort of seems ironic, all things considered. Also, they seem to spend a lot of time talking about religion when I want to know why they don't talk more about climate change. But you know, whatever floats your boat.

I had been in Cambridge last week and came back Thursday to meet up with L and go to a fringe event of TAM which was skeptics pub quiz in central London. Met her here at home to drop off her bag and headed in to town. Found the pub, and got drinks and food. Teams were for up to 6 and it was only her and me, we needed to find more people. We managed to find 2 in the pub and I had put calls out to the other couple as well as to L of the recent disappointing dating experience...

Side note to this, I think L needs a better name for future discussion. So dating but not dating L will henceforth be known as.... um.... Econ.

...but of course the pub had no reception in the basement where the quiz was going on. So I called the other couple and they couldn't come and I sent Econ a text but I figured he wouldn't make it, and I went back to the basement. We'd managed to get a team of five and had pleasantly called ourselves 'Team Sugartits' in honor of my Welsh friend. Just as the first round of five was finishing, Econ actually showed up which was cool. There was a bit of cuddly touching and fondling between him and me in our tightly squeezed table throughout the night which was enjoyable. There was an awful lot of drinking going on as well which was lubricating. After five rounds we had come in joint fourth and had won third place for best team name. So overall a good night. Econ walked me and L back to our night bus around half past midnight and we parted ways.

Saturday, as L was at the conference and I was not, I did some work in the morning then went over to X's house to meet up with her and V for a reunion potluck lunch. That was very nice and chill. From there, L had texted me to say she got tickets to the evening entertainment at TAM of various people and acts including Jon Ronson**, the Amateur Transplants and Tim Minchin. So I went straight from the one to the other. It was a really fun evening, albeit another late night.

Sunday L was off to the conference again but I had gotten tickets to chocolate unwrapped which seemed like a good idea and Econ had agreed to go with me. He'd texted me the night before unsure if he was going to make it as he was feeling ill so I was not holding my breath. However, by morning he said he was up for it so we met at 1:30 at the venue. But I have to say, he did not look well. So perhaps attending an all you can eat chocolate fest was not a great idea. As it was, I tasted a good amount of chocolate, though I did not gorge and Econ had almost none. It was a fairly impressive event with all the tastings. Completely worth the money and also lots to buy if you were so inclined. One to keep in mind for next year.

But difficult to share if one of two is not feeling so well and not indulging. So after a good go at it, we left there and went for a wander over to the Tate to check out the sunflower seed exhibit. Of course they just closed the damn thing because of dust, so you can look but not touch which is completely pointless. At the very least I felt they could have had a small batch of them you could touch, or let people on in small numbers and for limited time? It was not the experience that it should have been is all I have to say. Disappointing.

Leaving the Tate, we stopped outside so I could get a good look at the progress of the Neo Bankside development which is being developed by my PhD industrial partner. Econ knew a coffee place so we went there to crash on a sofa and chat and continue to look at the project. It was pleasant and relaxing and getting a bit later. L had texted me to let me know there was an end of event party I could have gone to in Camden but I didn't really feel like going out partying. So Econ said I could come over to his, but his place was a tip so I'd have to wait outside while he cleaned it. And also he had to pop by his office to pick up a laptop since his computer broke. So we went and found some Boris bikes and cycled over to his office. I'd never been to his office and it was fairly nice. We got the laptop then cycled back to his and as he said, I waited in the corridor (reading a book) while I could hear him rushing about and cleaning. About fifteen minutes later he let me in and we continued our day of relaxing and conversation. At some point we ordered dinner, and it was getting later and later. I figured I was going to go home but then he said I could stay over. It was late, and while there had been ample cuddling and stuff, not much else, so staying over was desirable.

So I texted L to make sure she was okay with that and decided to stay over even though that meant getting up at six to go home first so I could change to go in to my industrial partner's office in the morning for a 9am meeting. Good plan at any rate, but not entirely as expected. I think Econ was still a bit ill, so clearly not really up for messing around and I'm not a pushy person when it comes to these things. I am reasonably sure I'd made my interest clear but I wasn't going to force him. So instead we went off to bed, or rather, I went to bed and he stayed up cleaning. Eventually came in but was having trouble sleeping so he was reading and I was not quite sleeping, somewhat horny, mind racing- so I decided that what I really wanted was to have a really good orgasm so I could get to sleep. This seemed entirely reasonable to me, but a bit awkward seeing as he and I haven't slept together in a couple of months now, even if we were laying in bed together naked, nothing was happening. So I pondered it for a while but as he was turned away from me, I figured as long as he wasn't weirded out by it, I should do it. So I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Okay, this might sound weird, but I'm too keyed up to sleep and I really just want to get myself off because it will help as long as you don't mind". He said of course he didn't mind and did I want him to leave the room which I thought was funny, so I said no, I just didn't want to freak him out and so I got down to business. I turned away from him, so I have no idea if he watched. He must have at some point because when I was finished, and finally drifting off to slumber, he was tickling my back which was ever so nice.

But that was it. My alarm went off at 6. I don't think he got to sleep until 3 or 4. I got myself together and let myself out. Made my way to London Bridge, got home, got changed, then oddly enough L came home from her night out which is another story all together and then I was out to my manic Monday. Meetings all day and what may or may not have been a date with someone I've been working with then home then a last dinner with L then I was off to Cambridge. Cambridge today, then back to London. Procrastinating terribly doing this blog but actually need to prepare work for a teaching day at UEL tomorrow, then tomorrow night back to Cambridge. Thursday a conference in Duxford and Friday Cambridge, then back, then this weekend my flatmate is changing over plus I've got a kinky girls night out on Saturday and two of them are crashing at mine and then it will be Monday again.

Shit is busy these days.

I'd like to write more about Econ- where I'm at with it and why it is or isn't a good idea. But I think that will have to wait. I've written enough and have loads to do yet tonight. I just needed a break.

** If you don't know about the reference in the title, check link

Social Grace

2010-09-26T22:29:00.003+01:00

I am completely snowed under just now, but as usual, that gives me the most desire to procrastinate. Actually, I've been pretty good today, knocking out 2500 words of properly cited literature review. Of course, I need to repeat this exercise about 5 more times before next Wednesday and I don't see how that's possibly going to happen with all of my other obligations, but at least I'm not as bad off as I was this morning.

At any rate, my manic panic over my current work and deadlines is not the point of this post. Rather, I am perplexed by the behavior of some acquaintances of mine and I wonder what has happened to social grace?

A couple of weeks ago, Mr.Aloof popped out of the ether again, as he tends to do. He wanted to tell me about a photography exhibition he put on, which was fine. I replied to his mail and asked him a few questions about the exhibit and so on. He replied back. I replied to his email asking a couple of other follow up questions and he replied back... and there was not a single question towards me in his email. It's entirely possible that there weren't any towards me in the first couple though I deleted them already so can't check. But still, having gotten the information I was curious about, I see no need to respond to such a blatantly rude social email that does not inquire at all about me, my life, what I'm up to or how I'm doing.

Then last night I was out to dinner with M. This is a story in and of itself. Suffice to say, M and I are on pretty shaky ground friendship-wise these days. But I am trying to put in some effort. So I agreed to meet up for dinner. And I asked M about work, about her recent work-related travels, about projects and people and her flatmate and her family. And she answered socially enough, which was good, and certainly a step up from past interactions. However, there were these moments of silence where I sat there and just wondered in my head if she was going to show some initiative and general politeness and ask me anything about me and my life. I tried not to say much about what was going on with me to see if this would prompt some questioning. Alas, it was not to be. She didn't ask me a single thing about myself throughout the entire meal.

I would like to think and hope that when I meet up with my friends I am suitably interested in their lives and what is going on with them. I would hate to think that I was like my mother- who only seems to ask questions as a segue to talking about herself. I remember things about my friends, what they told me they were up to, what was going on in their lives, and when I see them or speak to them, I follow up. I am interested. I care.

When people interact with me and don't ask me anything at all, the only thing I can conclude from this is that they simply do not care. Which does not make me inclined to care much about them. I'm not asking for the situation to be reversed, I'm simply asking that it should be balanced. Yes, I like to find out what is going on with people I care about, but I would think that people who cared about me would like to find out what is going on with me!

Honestly. I don't think I'm off base on this one. Some people are just undeniably rude and self centered and should go back to some remedial lessons on politeness and social interaction.

Rant over. Back to work.

Building

2010-09-12T21:17:00.002+01:00

I have that knot in my gut that is starting to tell me the pressure is building. I have a lot of reading and writing to do in the next couple of weeks. And it is going to take me the next couple of weeks to do it in.

I have other things to do as well, but they are all proving to be inconvenient distractions at the moment, even when they are not so much distractions as commitments that I can not get out of (nor would I want to).

Still, there is a buildup in my life. Deadlines and expectation looming. And it comes with a low level urgency that permeates through everything. I'm not sleeping well for starters. And as I am someone who pretty much regularly sleeps very well, it's a pretty good sign that things are happening.

Although within this stressful context, I can only say that life has been reasonably good just now. I've been out meeting up with people, having lovely meals and conversations. I've even made some money. Many positives.

A week past my conversation with L and I can't necessarily say that it's a situation I'd class as positive. I am truly disappointed that he is.... lacking? Lost? Whatever he is, he isn't what I wish he was. So of course, disappointing. I've not heard from him all week, though I know he's busy, I also know that when you are interested in people, you find ways to get in touch. And silly things, like basic Internet stalking principles show me that he's been around the Internet. So you know, time for that but not time for me? Message loud and clear. I think I'll leave it and see what he comes up with. I'm not mad at him in any way, but even in simple friend terms there are some basics that I would generally expect, that he has not been providing and is still not providing. So. Alas really. What else can I say?

The entire situation has prompted quite a bit of thinking on my part about relationship issues. Mainly from getting very mixed and interesting feedback from a variety of friends who all know me pretty well. Four different friends to be precise who all had very different things to say about the subject. Which in some ways is harder because friend consensus is much easier to get on board with. But anyway, it's been interesting to absorb four different opinions on me and what I get up to and how I interact relationship-wise. I don't think I have an answer myself at the moment. Hence the thinking.

But it's all a bit inconvenient timing wise given that I have other things to worry about. And with L now being a non contender, there isn't anyone else I need to particularly worry my little head about. And really, I should be directing all that mental energy to my more academic and professional pursuits.

It's just not nearly as interesting I'm afraid.

At any rate. Must find a way to focus on work. Must do work. Must make progress. Must not be found out as big faker that I secretly think I must be. Yes, that just about sums it up.

Wishes and Fishes

2010-09-06T11:24:00.005+01:00

I am going to cobble together this post from some email that I figure says a lot of what I want to say anyway, but better to keep it here.

Sunday was a bit of a mess. I had texted L on Saturday to say that we should just meet up at Monument along the Skyride Route at 11. I hadn't had a confirmation back from him. I didn't know if he would actually even show up.

In order for me to get from my house to the main route, I decided to join one of the 'led rides' that started at the Town Hall. They said the ride was full, but I knew they couldn't keep me from just following them either. And it turned out not to be a problem. In fact, I ended up helping out being a marshall for that- meaning that a group of the adult riders would cycle ahead with one of the leaders, and prepare to block traffic until the group could pass. So that was actually quite a bit of fun. Unfortunately, that took me to St. Paul's at 11:10.

Luckily (sort of) I had a voice message from L from a number I didn't know saying he couldn't remember if we were meeting at 11 or 11:30 and his phone was out of battery and he'd try to see me at 11:30 but not to call back on the phone as he was borrowing a friends. I called his number but it went to voice mail saying I was late, so monument at 11:30 was fine, see you then. I got to monument around 11:30.

From there I also called S who was supposed to be joining the Skyride with her husband, sister, and step mother and we were supposed to meet up. Well S and her sister were ill and not coming but husband (F) and step mother (D) were apparently somewhere out there. In the meantime I get another message from strange phone from L saying maybe best to meet in St. James park where the picnic area was. So vaguely annoyed, I took off on the main route.

But it's hard to be very annoyed when you cycle through central London with no traffic and thousands of other cyclists. That is why I love the event. And unplanned I ended up just at Big Ben at noon as the chimes were going off and people were whooping and ringing their bike bells, it was just a kind of uplifting sort of moment.

Eventually I got to St.James park and went about trying to find a picnic spot I could direct people to (as there are thousands of people and bikes milling about I picked an area that I could easily direct people to, but not the most picturesque, although wasn't on top of anyone else either. I hadn't heard anything from L for a while, so thought he was standing me up. At some point on the ride F had called me so I knew he and D were behind me in the circuit but I didn't know how long until they'd get to where I was. So I sat there in a throng of people on my picnic blanket feeling moderately put out and crabby about everything and entirely alone. Of course, I proceeded to call people so I could just talk to someone and of course everyone I called wasn't answering their phones either! Ah universe, my ever comforting friend.

After about 45 minutes, a lot of things started happening at once. Everyone I called started calling me back and this was just when F & D were getting to where I was and I'm trying to direct them and in the meantime I am getting through messages from L that he got my text and was there time to come to the park. So okay, things were coming together, but I had to make an effort to put my grumpiness behind me.

So F & D showed up and we picnicked together and hung out which was good. L was on his way. Then F had some errands to do in town and as he cycles usually, he said he'd be back in 30-45 minutes and left D with me but that was fine. Probably 20 minutes or so after that L finally did turn up very apologetic about scheduling and stuff and D had wandered off to look at the exhibits and free giveaways and things. So okay, everything back on track, just a bit later than expected.

F came back and D came back and then they were taking off to head home and L and I had talked about seeing a movie so we decided to go to Angel as I had my bike and didn't want to go further away from home. He was on the new Boris bikes, so Angel is one of the last spots in zone 1 you can dock them close to my house and a cinema. So we cycled through town and that was alright. He docked his bike and I locked mine up by Waitrose. We ended up going to screen on the green, not vue- and they had double sofa seat things so we got one of those. As a total side note, screen on the green, and particularly the double sofa seating is excellent. Like really excellent. But back to the story, we had a half hour to kill or so and went to the triangle park and were talking a bit. I did manage to sneak in a couple of comments about me not getting a good read on him or some such. But mostly we talked about work and life stuff which was also good of course, I mean, otherwise why would I want to hang out with him at all?

Then we went to the movie which was very enjoyable - Scott Pilgrim vs the world. Worth seeing.

So movie over, of course we'd been a bit snugly on the movie sofa, so we were leaving the cinema and heading back to where I'd locked my bike and I asked him if I could convince him to come to mine for a bit but he said no. So we were talking on the street and I think I just flat out asked him how many people he was seeing and what we were doing exactly (or something like that and it didn't come across nearly as blunt and horrible as that probably reads, I hope). At which point we decided to go to a pub and talk as standing on the street seemed a bit silly. So we did.

And that was good, although not ideal in terms of what I want, but good that we talked and I'm happier now that I feel more confident I understand what things are. In short. His last relationship was 7 years - he's the one who ended it. He's seeing one other person now. He's not looking to get into anything serious just now. He does really like me and thinks if sleeping together would mess up developing a friendship he'd prefer we stop sleeping together as he would like to keep me as a friend. But he doesn't want to stop sleeping together- he's just concerned for me and what I might want in that regard. So I said okay, I would not prefer we just stop sleeping together but I accept that he's not looking for anything serious and if I feel I'm getting attached then yes I'll want us to stop sleeping together. We also talked a bit about 'being cagey' or quiet about stuff and I was just like, look, what I want is for you to be honest with me. Let me make up my own mind about what I can handle or not or want to put up with or not, but I can't do that unless you just tell me what's going on, and I'm not going to be mad at you for being honest with me, but I might get upset if I thought you were lying. So I think that was good. Oh yeah, and I explained a bit of the kink stuff as well, so that was good.

I mean not good in the sense that, he is not wanting a serious relationship, but good that we really talked and I think are more on the same page, so it's okay for now. So.... yeah. Good but not good if that makes any sense.

And that is the story that I emailed to S this morning as she was curious about if anything had happened. And her take, to summarize, is that I seem to find people not willing to give me what I want and I tend to settle for less, and that maybe while I'm messing around with people not giving me everything I want, I'm not being proactive or interested or sending out the right vibes to find what I want. So her advice, is drop it.

And to a certain extent, I generally think most of her thinking is valid. I suppose I'm just not convinced that there is anything else out there. I don't mean that in a depressive sort of way. I mean it quite literally. Maybe I'm not really cut out for relationships. I don't seem to have an awful lot of them in any sort of 'traditional' sense. Maybe that is down to me, but maybe it's about stuff that I like, and don't want to change about myself. I don't know.

I do know that my tolerance for things like the Mr.Aloof's of this world are not what it was and I wouldn't put up with that behavior ever again. But life doesn't seem to be offering too much else then what's been on the table. Maybe my expectations are too high (although to be fair, maybe they're too low as I think my tolerant nature is half of what ends me up in these relationships). Maybe I put out the wrong sort of vibe. I guess I just don't want to be miserable forever going on mentally about 'how there's something wrong with me'. Because luckily these days I don't think there's something wrong, but I also think... I don't know. This may just never happen for me. I spent years and years and years not dating and also not having anything even remotely related to dating (ie, sex). Like, most of my 20's. I know what it's like for time to just to pass by year in year out and dating just doesn't even show up in the solar system.

So okay, now things are different in that I'm doing some things, but I don't know. If I withdraw from L and don't have time for much pursuing other people, then three years of PhD can come and go and I've got nothing socially. Or not.

It's all a crap shoot and numbers game. I just don't think I've ever had lady luck on my side. I don't know how long I'll be wanting to put up with things with L as they are but I'd like to enjoy it while it's fun. Unlike Heathrow, if we don't really communicate much (Heathrow and I emailed a lot during the week and would then spend entire weekends together) I don't currently feel a particularly strong attachment. Though I recognize these things can change and I'd have to keep tabs on myself and how I feel.

But I don't know, or rather, I'm not convinced that being truly single (with no friends with benefits and no play at clubs) is going to get me where I want either. Because I've done that before for long stretches to no avail.

I like intimacy with people and having been in both situations, I know I would rather have something than nothing. Maybe that's not the right choice or maybe it is the right choice. I wish I could look into the future and see better, but I can only look at the past. I know sometimes it's like settling for crumbs instead of the cake, but what if I don't get cake? I would rather have crumbs. Honestly.

But I understand her point- what if the crumbs keep me from looking for the cake. Or wanting the cake bad enough. And the answer is I don't know. I've spent so much of my life desperately not wanting to be alone, that I'm not sure that I haven't 'wanted it bad enough' or still don't want it bad enough, I just have no conviction that I'll get it. I feel like I want it enough, but if it never comes my way.... I don't want that to be the defining thing about me either. My failure to somehow find someone for me. I want my view of myself to be much more than that.

So what do I do? Keep on for a while with something that makes me happy? Or question this thing making me happy and wonder if it's keeping me from some other happiness that seems forever outside my grasp? Humans tend to go for instant gratification, and I am well aware my inclination is to keep on with what I'm doing because I am liking it. But is it wrong? Oh for a crystal ball to reveal to me the mysteries of the universe and my place within it. What else can I do? How else can I decide? Knowing the future, or possible futures would make decision making simple. But decision making in this sense is never simple. Maybe I'm making good decisions and maybe I'm making bad. I just don't want to be miserable about it.

And I guess I feel that a self imposed singlehood with no play or intimacies would make me miserable and throw me back to a place I feel I spent enough time in. I already know I wasn't happy there. I'm happier here, but yes, maybe I could be happier still. Do my current decisions negate that possibility? Or is it the best that the universe is going to offer and I'd be foolish not to take and enjoy them? I have no idea.

So yeah. Interesting day. Interesting things to think about. L is away now for 3 weeks anyway, which is part of what prompted my pushing the issue. And I have three weeks of a shitload of work to do honestly. So lets just say it is what it is for now- better than it was before yesterday I think in some ways. I prefer knowing to not knowing, even if it's not exactly what I wanted to hear. And we'll see. Just hope I muddle through, as few mistakes as possible, and happier with the outcome of the decisions I make as opposed to the opposite.

Only

2010-09-04T21:21:00.003+01:00

I am in a funk.

I've had a very busy week. Stressful with work. I had two jobs this week- and one took up a lot more time then it should have. The second got a bit nudged out of the way because of it. Neither job is related to my PhD studies, and I have work that needs doing there as well, so it's starting to scratch at the mental door.

The thing is, I can't really say no to small private jobs because I really need the money. I also want to keep good relationships with the few contacts I have that can give me private jobs. It just doesn't help that they all coincided. I don't like feeling like I'm doing an inferior job, or that I don't deliver work as expected. I'm fairly critical of myself in this way, so if I even think that I've remotely let someone down, I berate myself quite harshly. Even if I haven't let anyone down at all, I know I haven't met my own standards and expectations. It's not good enough.

So there's that.

This running around between Cambridge and London is taking its toll. It's tiring. I don't feel that I settle in one place long enough to accomplish much. I keep uprooting myself for just a couple of days. This is not helpful when what I need to do is sit down and focus. Every time I am in London and need to go to Cambridge I dread it. Once I'm there, it's perfectly fine, but it's the act of getting there that I find incredibly burdensome. I do it, of course. But as I say, it takes its toll.

Which isn't to say I don't love what I'm doing in all of this. I do actually. I suppose all of these things add up to it being a challenge that keeps me from being bored or feeling too easy about all of it. I need a challenge in my life. I recognize that. So this isn't the worst thing by any stretch. I think it's all just gotten slightly out of hand this week, and I have things piling up for the next few months and I probably feel slightly overwhelmed and just need to get it all under fucking control again and things will be fine.

Plus, I'm making some money, so that is actually a good thing.

I will get a handle on it. This week has just been hard.

The other thing that's weighing on my mind is this boy situation. I have never, ever, met someone as difficult to understand as L. One of the things that I would say is typical of my interactions with people is that I tend to relate to people on fairly intimate personal levels. Not intimate sexual, but intimate as in, people feel comfortable talking to me and opening up to me and it just seems to happen in a vaguely natural way. It's not something I actively try to achieve, but I would say that it's a hallmark of how I engage with people close to me. It's something I even cherish.

L is a complete mystery to me. He doesn't tell me anything of consequence. It's not that he's being cagey or necessarily being obtuse, it's more like... just silence. Like a wall, but a wall that doesn't even know it's a wall. I can't explain it. I don't think I have ever had such a bad read on someone that I was interested in, and had spent a reasonable amount of time with, ever. Even people I don't like- usually if I'd spent as much time with them I'd at least have some indication of who they are as people.

How all of this manifests itself is that L simply doesn't talk to me. It's been two weeks since I saw him. We have plans to meet up tomorrow. At least, I think we have plans to meet up tomorrow because he hasn't actually confirmed anything really at all. In what would otherwise be our seventh date, I have no indication of whether or not he will actually show up or not. I have no way of understanding his character or personality, or anything about what is going on with him as a person to know if he is trustworthy or not. This makes me feel extremely uneasy and preemptively defensive.

Which sucks really. In all of these interim weeks of what amounts to basically no communication, I find that I respond by wanting to parrot this behavior and withdraw myself. Except of course, that isn't what I want to happen or actually do as it goes against my nature. I don't know how to communicate with someone who doesn't communicate! I'm more used to honest conversations, even at early stages. I'm not the right one for you? Okay. You're not the right one for me? I'll tell you. You seeing three people just now and not ready for any commitment? Okay. But what is this all about? What I have is this tremendous urge to stop communicating with him. To see if it actually matters to him or not. To see if he would be in touch on his own.

But that's game playing and I am not a game player. I hate that shit actually. So yeah. We're supposed to meet up tomorrow, and I don't even know why. I don't know why he would want to meet up with me since he seems to show so little interest or enthusiasm in actually getting to know me- what's the point? As far as I can tell we aren't even having an overnight, so it's not like there's sex involved. See, that I could understand more. You want a booty call, that makes sense. And if that's what he wanted, well, I'd probably be up for it for a while, but then the rules would change. None of this doing stuff bullshit. Just call me or I'll call you, go over to the other persons house, get it on, and then bye until next time. No confusion. No extraneous activities. And oh yeah, it would also need to be at least once every week or two, otherwise it's simply not worth it for me, and why get involved in a booty call relationship unless it's worth it for you? See- everything shifts then. I'm not adverse, but we would need to talk about it, agree it, and that would be fine.

But given that there's no sleepover involved (I think) and some other things about how we have interacted before, it doesn't particularly seem like that's what it's about anyway. But what it is about, I couldn't tell you.

Here's what I can say. I do like this guy L. I am drawn to him in a way I don't even think I can explain. I'm attracted to his mind, the way he thinks, the way he expresses his thoughts. I recognize there are thing we don't have in common. Those things don't even phase me. He's not the usual body type I go for, that also doesn't phase me. Intimately, I went down on him without freaking out or even explaining that it's something that sort of freaks me out, and I didn't freak out. That doesn't happen. When we fuck we both get hot and sweaty and his sweat literally dripped on me and I still didn't fucking care. Even with people I have really liked before that wouldn't have happened- in the back of my head I'd still be going 'ew' and I wasn't. This is not how things usually go for me. This is not how I usually feel or act around someone. I am drawn to him in a way that I don't come across very often. Usually I'm incredibly wary of men. Defensive. Until I can relax enough to trust them and chill out a bit. When I'm with him I don't feel the walls and the tension. Except of course, when I feel I can't talk to him or I feel like he's not interested in talking to me. This is usually all the time in between when we actually see each other.

For as much as I don't understand him or even think I know him in the slightest, there is something about L that when I see him, makes me feel insanely calm. Which is only ironic because given the enormity of what I'm saying is wrong, I'm not actually calm about any of that at all. And what I think is going to happen is that all of this is going to implode and he's going to go away and disappear.

So I guess that just makes me sad. Certainly disappointed. Here I am contrasting what I see as just a glimmer of something extraordinary for me. And recognize that I'm probably going to lose it. That it's a tiny seed that will not grow. That instinctual feelings, no matter how intriguing or exceptional, are simply not reciprocated. How can that not be disappointing?

And so, while I do not think I know L well enough to say I have feelings for him personally, I find I am distressed at what I perceive as the likely loss of the possibility. That I will need to put the memory of how such feelings feel away, and re-lock the door on such things. In some ways it's not about L at all. An embryonic relationship ending is not an emotional maelstrom about the pre-couple. But rather, yet again, and as always, I am forced to wonder if I will ever, ever find someone who I can feel like this about, who could possibly feel the same way about me. Or am I just destined to be the only one forever.

Like I said. It's been a bit of a bitch of a week and I'm in a funk. But all of these these things will be sorted. One way or the other. Tomorrow should be interesting.

Falling for Fall

2010-08-29T17:06:00.006+01:00

When I woke this morning I heard the rustle of leaves through the open window, shaking in the wind. There was something to the quality of the light that was not the blazing haughtiness of summer but a different sort of touch. When I got up to shower and eventually opened the window to let some of the steam out, the brisk air that caressed my skin filled me with a sort of primal energy.

It would have been impossible to not notice that the weather has turned. August is fickle in England. While the rest of the northern hemisphere swelters, in England autumn decides to come early. As my birthday falls in August, it's something I've been particularly aware of. It never ends up being warm. It starts to rain again.

And yet, how can I be unhappy at the start of what is decidedly my favorite season? I love the fall. I love the light and the sound and the temperature and the color. It's true, I can do without the rain, but even rain can be pleasing if it falls the right way. Those heavy downpours of fat drops splattering on pavements and roofs and windows. There is something about it all that makes me tremendously happy and at peace.

Of course I know that other people hate the fall. To them it symbolizes the end of summer and the coming of winter. The disappearance of long days. For children, the dreadful return to school.

But when have I ever cared for trends? To me fall is glorious. For being someone so generally annoyed by the outdoors, I find it amusing that on a day like today I simply need to look outside to be happy. These are the days when I like to be cycling, to have picnics. When you need a wrap or a blanket, when it might be too cold, when I can honestly seek out and enjoy the warmth of the sun without fear of overheating.

And it doesn't hurt that the bugs start to disappear.

I know that there will be dark days and darker still. Cold and wet is not what I enjoy, unless I am settled by a fire. But I can tolerate all of that for days like just now. I'm thankful for small pleasures like this. For the joy and happiness it brings to me. Just to see the sky and breath the air and hear the wind amongst the drying leaves. I love this time of year, I truly do.

Spurning Stuff

2010-08-27T10:52:00.004+01:00

Stuff isn't going to make you happy. Stuff might make you happy for a short while. The reality though, is that for the happiness you gain fleetingly, in most cases, it is then followed with a burden and responsibility of dealing with the stuff that no longer pleases you in the way it initially did.

I suppose as children, as we grow and learn, this is counter intuitive. Every year of a growing person's life, they have a necessity to get new stuff, be it clothes that fit or books or toys that keep a pace of development. And this I don't have a problem with.

But did you ever consider that it sets up a template for adult life that is not sensible? I certainly find the older I get the less things I want. Don't get me wrong, I am frequently pleased by the knowledge of the existence of things. I experience a vicarious sort of joy in the experience through knowledge of other people's creative endeavors and making ability. But I no longer covet these things. In many ways, simply knowing that they exist is enough.

I make my choices differently these days. I consider purchases to be made. I think about where in my house something is going to fit. I weigh out how much I think I will use something. I think about how long the item in question will last. I have so many books now, that I have to consider if a book is shelf-worthy or not. Although in this instance, it is not thinking that keeps me from buying a book, it does however, keep me from keeping a book. I can no longer keep all the books I read. The ones that get kept must truly be worthy.

I still want my chair. But getting this chair will be something of a lifetime pursuit. And I know when I get the chair, I will not ever want to give it up, and I will not want another chair to replace it. So this also seems a worthwhile love affair.

But stuff. Stuff is what dreams are made of. But dreams can haunt you, you know? They can plague you, and they can turn into nightmares. Maybe a good dose of reality is better than a dream sometimes.

All of this occurs to me this morning as a friend of mine is going into fits about not getting something she wants. Something that she thinks will make her happy. Because it seems to me sometimes her entire life is a series of benchmarks and achievements that someone else dictated. Somehow she's adopted this measuring stick and has a deep internal belief that the reason she is not happy in life is that she has not done or achieved or gotten all the stuff on the list. But you know, it doesn't matter if that stuff you're talking about is a 60 inch television or a ring on your finger. Thinking that stuff is going to make you happy is wrong. Stuff doesn't make people happy.

And watching people in pursuit of stuff, it's disheartening. So much time is spent craving. So much time that could otherwise be spent living.

It's not that goals are wrong though. It's a fine line this moderation of stuff. I don't think one should spurn all stuff, but maybe be a bit more thoughtful and selective about the stuff one chooses to covet. And a bit more flexibility and adaptability even about the stuff that is conscientiously selected. Because even if you know what it is you really want for all the right reasons, who says you get to have it? You can try your best, and you can be disappointed, but maybe you should think twice if you start to wander into the territory where your entire life is a failure if you can't get this one thing you've placed above all others.

I think I place being alive above everything else. My general health. Having my wits about me, and the ability to bounce back, the flexibility to transform. Maybe I get shot down, maybe I get hugely disappointed. But at the core of what I hold to be valuable, it's not 'stuff'- it's me. Oddly enough, the older I seem to get, the more that seems to matter. And the more it bothers me when people I know are so obsessed with 'stuff'.

Pacing the Cage

2010-08-19T14:24:00.002+01:00

Took the title from a song I'm listening to just at the moment. Seems appropriate to my current condition. I'm in Cambridge today. Packing somewhat haphazardly, I managed to forget some critical things that would have been useful for me to work on here. Mainly my marked up copy of my internship report that I went through with my supervisor. My goal had been to finish the third draft of this report (and hopefully final) this week. But without my mark up, I can't.

Instead I've been looking at word templates for my first year report. Generally it has a similar structure to a dissertation, so really I've just been looking up templates for that. Most of them are hideous. How can I work on a document I don't find aesthetically pleasing? Luckily I found a template from the Bartlett and have taken that one to work with as a foundation. It's not brilliant, but it's better than most and will have to do for now.

At any rate, what I can do is start on my proper research. I have a 40 page document (give or take) due by the end of November. Actually due earlier- I'll need at least a month of revisions. And I have yet to do most of the research required to write it. Getting the template is the first step as I need to organize my thoughts on the structure. Because I've done an internship and my first year hasn't been 'pure research'[, it's not as straightforward as a typical document and I need to figure out how to work it together. I'm sure it will come together. I'm just conscious of just how much work I have to do in the next couple of months.

This past weekend was my birthday. Usually I do a birthday post. I suppose this is it. I'm 36 now. Over some mystical division of age. It bothers me more than 30 did. Probably 40 will bother me more. Or maybe none of it really bothers me. I just don't like getting old. Getting older is one step closer to dead. And as I am not particularly inclined to being dead, I see this natural progression as somewhat unacceptable. I mean, obviously, it is what it is, but I don't like thinking of mortality, which only seems all the easier the older one gets.

Doing my best to flaunt it however, I spent a very youthful birthday weekend camping in the New Forest. That was loads of fun. I got to use my tent properly and commune with the outdoors. Of course me and the outdoors aren't the best of friends and I have to say that my skin, while not good before I went, did it's best to tell me just how much me and the outdoors aren't friends. This week I'm stuck on an extreme regimen of antihistamines and steroid creams as well as regular body lotion to do my best to get the beastly organ under control. I've made an appointment to see my GP Monday. I should have done this sooner perhaps, but I'm not at home so much these days and it's difficult. At any rate, I'm hoping for a dermatology referral, but we'll see.

Back to birthday camping. There were tents. And delicious food. H, my camping pal, cooked a feast of food from the Ottolenghi cookbooks to bring with. This included char grilled broccoli with almonds and chili and garlic, eggplant with saffron sauce and pomegranate, a garlic and goats cheese tart, and white chocolate and raspberry tartlets. We ate very, very well.

We also brought H's horse along in a trailer. So they went off riding in the New Forest every morning while I lounged around reading and then we wandered around in the afternoon. One day I took my bike out with them and went cycling through the New Forest. That was good. It had been raining off and on, so it was cooler and there weren't so many bugs out. Proper use for my little mountain bike. I even forged a stream. Twice. Have some good photos all on Facebook now. Proving that on occasion, I can 'do' the outdoors.

But I'm glad to be back now. Or at least, my skin is definitely glad to be back now. It really is completely ridiculous how badly it flared. How bad it's been all year. How it's spread out of it's usual areas to wider patches. How ugly it makes me feel. Above and beyond anything else about it, that's by far the worst. Nothing like big red blotches on yourself to make you all too aware of your appearance. At least I have a doctor's appointment. On the other hand, there's probably very little they can do for me or tell me about it. But what else can I do?

In the social arm of my life, have plans to see L on Friday. Although with my skin how it is, it's hard to be excited about that as opposed to terribly self conscious. Haven't seen him for two weeks though, so not really wanting to push it off. Still not at all sure what's going on with us. But it's a welcome distraction at the moment. I suppose at some point we have to actually talk about 'what we're doing' but seeing as we talk so little, it hasn't come up yet. To be honest, I'm so distracted with other things at the moment, it's not high on my worry list. Which is probably for the best. If I think about it too much, I have no doubts it will creep up the list, so just as well to not.

Oh, and while I feel restrained and restricted, by lack of being at home, lack of my papers, bad skin, and everything else keeping me from keeping on at the moment, I should also remark that last week I had the meeting with my Industrial Partner and other PhD candidate about our topics and that it went exceptionally well. I got lots of lovely feedback about how put together I seem and well articulated and I got my stake on my topic area of choice.

But all it reminded me of was this conversation I had with a professor/mentor of mine back in grad school who seriously told me off in a hallway once upon a time for not being confident in myself and insisting on looking to others for validation and approval. So all in one day I was lifted up high on others flattery, and then dashed to the rocks by my memories of how I haven't perhaps changed all that much in this particular area in almost ten years.

Contradictions

2010-08-10T11:51:00.002+01:00

If there is one thing that most people who know me well know, it would be that generally I do not like the outdoors. If you are going to suggest something to do with me, and it involves being outside, there better be some other very good reason that I will want to go do this thing. And usually there will be some derogatory comment about how whatever it was would be better, if it wasn't outside.

So it is with some perplexity that I find I am ridiculously looking forward to going on a camping trip for my birthday. I'm going with H- we are going to the southern edge of the New Forest and we are also taking her horse in a trailer. We will be staying at a small campsite which has showers and toilets and will be pitching tents.

I bought a tent earlier this year to camp one night on a Common (entirely illegally) for H's birthday. And the last time before that I stayed in a tent was at Glastonbury a couple of years ago. But even back then I thought this tent thing had something going for it.

I don't know if it's related to my architectural interests or not, but there is something incredibly satisfying about erecting shelter. It's almost primal the enjoyment I get from this experience, even though my tent is modern and made of clever materials that means the actual effort I put in to erecting the tent is not all that much, but I don't care, it's still incredibly satisfying.

And then you get to stay -in-the-tent!! how cool is that??

Or maybe it's just a way of creating an indoor in the outdoors that I like about it. Honest, I have no idea, but I am really looking forward to camping. And checking out the New Forest. And going to the seashore. And going to a winery. And sitting on a horse (okay, this one is slightly more dubious, but I sort of figure I have to try it).

So yeah. I don't really try to explain it. And I have no other desire to go do things outdoors. I haven't changed my thinking about this, I'm just making an exception for a camping trip- and pretty much confusing every person that knows me in the process. Ha.

Procrastination

2010-08-04T13:28:00.002+01:00

So today is Wednesday. Yesterday when I was out in the evening meeting up with some people I got very confused about what day of the week it was. In fact, I had no idea. This is how this back and forth madness is muddling my mind. When I was told it was actually only Tuesday I failed to grasp it for a moment or two, before everything clicked back into place.

Of course time has little meaning when you are not expected anywhere or at any particular time. The schedules I have set up for myself are exactly that- schedules I have set up for myself. I could just go do whatever, whenever and wherever I chose and it would probably take some time before anyone came asking after me. And if I proved that I was managing to stay on top of things and progress, then I'm pretty sure I'd be left to get on with things.

Of course that doesn't work for me at all. I am someone who works much better with schedules and deadlines and structure. So I have created some of my own, although I will be the first to admit I am procrastinating in a somewhat exceptional way. This is probably because I have no immediately pressing deadlines. Or rather, I have one, but I have written a second draft of what is needed for that and am awaiting comments. Actually that's true in the case of two different deadlines. So I am waiting. And while I wait, I procrastinate.

I suppose I could be getting into my next phase of work which is an awfully large chunk of research. It's such a large chunk that it's actually a bit overwhelming and I have not quite determined the best way to attack the beast. But I am thinking about it. I will say this is one of the more confusing aspects to how I work. I think about things a lot while I appear to be dilly dallying, but when I sit down to do the work, I have a much better idea of exactly what I want to do. Part of me feels like this is a bit of an excuse, and part of me feels like this is a valid method. It's probably a bit of both.

Needless to say, I have poked and prodded the beast and looked up a couple of things here and there but have not yet committed to the charge. But it's coming. Soon. So I am not worried.

In the meantime...

Boys are terribly confusing. In fact, I'm tempted to go back to an earlier musing that boys are stupid and should have rocks thrown at them. Regardless, I just despise pretty much everything about dating and dislike being reminded of this whilst in the middle of some sort of dating thing. I can't stand the game playing and the uncertainty. I hate the mixed messages and the mental gymnastics of trying to understand what someone else means when the reality is you just don't know them well enough to know what they mean and that's part of the problem.

I've had four dates with L. The most recent date, this past weekend was a study in the above. I was certain up until I was shown to be wrong that I was being stood up. The main reason for this is that L seems to be poor at communicating. Now. Is he poor at communicating because he's not interested or is he poor at communicating because that's just part of who he is or is it something else? See, I don't know. And I certainly don't know him well enough to trust him, so when I send both text and email for a confirmation of 'are we meeting up' and get nothing back, I have no reason not to assume that I'm being stood up.

And even if I wasn't stood up, is this good behavior? I think it's not. It shows a decisive lack of something. Lets say, a lack of eagerness. And that sucks. Because in the interim time between finally getting a text off him and meeting up, my relief and not being stood up had overtaken my irritation and we had a really lovely evening which involved good conversation, fooling around, and sex. But that was Saturday night. And it's now Wednesday and I've not heard a peep out of him. So I'm again thrown back to confusion and suspicion. S says that I should wait for him to get in touch with me, that at this stage a boy should be showing interest through, you know, showing interest.

But I hate this. I'm already waiting for things in my work life, do I have to sit around waiting for things in my personal life as well? I'm not really good at waiting. I'm impatient and impulsive and have known to even be demanding. This waiting business does not suit me.

So instead I just get irritable about it. Because truth be told, I sort of like this boy L. I know, I try to keep these things emotionally squelched for obvious reasons, but he's someone I actually really just like. I can see him as someone who could be a good friend, good fun, and it doesn't hurt in the slightest that he's tactile and good in bed. But aside from the last bit, it's the personality elements that do it for me. So I suppose it sucks all the more if I think he's blowing me off.

But I don't know if he's blowing me off....

Argh. Boys are stupid and should have rocks thrown at them.

In other unrelated news, while sleeping two nights ago, I punched the wall. I punched the wall so hard that I now have scabbed knuckles. Of course this woke me up and it hurt. I have no idea why this happened. I think I sort of half woke up as I was doing it. Who does this sort of thing?? I know I move around in bed, and I've been known to kick (and punch) people before, but punching walls, now that's just silly. Although my scabbed knuckles do nothing but amuse me. I know, I'm weird.

Three hours left to my self imposed schedule before I can cycle in the rain to catch the train back to London. Maybe I should attempt to do some work.

Goings On

2010-07-25T19:18:00.002+01:00

Again, maybe I should look at what I wrote last before I start typing away.

Okay. So it's only been a week since I last wrote. There are two things of interest to talk about, completely unrelated.

On the PhD front, there has been some unfortunate developments. Or rather, one unfortunate development in particular that is causing me a lot of stress. To keep the explanation short, basically, when I started my PhD, there was another student starting at the same time with the same remit and the same industrial partner. Now from the start, I was told (as I imagine he was as well) that there was plenty of scope for two topics within the broad subject heading, and that one person would probably focus on the London Estate (historic, urban, architectural) and one person would focus on new build (technological). With my architectural background and his engineering background, it was always talked about that I would do something with the existing building stock and he was particularly interested in Liverpool One. However, in the past couple of weeks he has completely changed his thinking around to basically parallel my own topic development to the point where we are basically talking about researching the same thing.

This makes me upset for many reasons. Firstly, this will not be possible. A PhD must be original work and you cannot have two students doing the same basic project, using the same case studies, etc. Secondly, I'm annoyed because I feel this was my idea first and he has sort of stolen it. But I don't think he would see it that way. In fact, I know he wouldn't. I know that he wouldn't acknowledge that he's been influenced by my discussion and interests and this also makes me intensely angry.

Two weeks ago I raised this issue with our supervisor. There really wasn't anything else I could do. She took it on board, but I think she doesn't actually know enough about the building industry to see that our topics are actually turning out the same. She focused on the fact that our background thinking in support of the final topic is entirely different. Which is true, but you still can't end up in the same place.

At any rate, being the typical non-political person I can be, I sort of accidentally said something to people I know at my industrial partner who have now taken a keen interest in us not having duplicate research topics. But I didn't bring it up to them because I was trying to cause trouble- it was more that I was talking about how my topic was developing and they were asking about how A's topic was developing and it just came out. I feel this is detrimental to the development of the issue but now that the cat is out of the bag, I have no idea how to put it back in.

So not only am I concerned that this is somehow not going to go well for me and my own work will be not allowed or I won't be given the topic I want, but I am also concerned that I've screwed something up and have made a big mistake or faux pas and this will somehow reflect badly on me.

There isn't much else I can do about it now. All I can do is develop my topic as I've set it out and hope that when the shit hits the fan, I'm going to be the one with a strong enough case to continue and not the other way around.

In a completely unrelated area of life, date 3 with L went well. We met up by Leicester Square after work on Friday, then wandered off to get a couple of drinks, then wandered off to get some food, then on to a different bar for a drink until they closed, then onto another bar for a drink until they closed. As we were close to leaving the second to last bar, some kissing started going on. This was continued at the final bar, and then taken out onto the street. I was entirely thankful that he's taller than me as I felt sheltered- seeing that kissing in the street makes me feel incredibly self conscious. Well, for that matter, so does kissing in bars. At any rate, it was around 2 or 2:30 in the morning and the inevitable discussion of 'what happens next' came up. And as per usual, I had my deer in headlights moment. I could envision any number of possibilities- ones where we parted ways, ones where I went to his, ones where he came to mine. And I couldn't see that any one stood out as a better idea than any other creating complete immobility and indecisiveness. As usual.

Except this time there was no H to make me do anything. Eventually I decided that a reasonable option I could get on board with was to come back to my place (as my flatmate is away, I'd be more comfortable in my own house) and set a limit before we went that although I was quite happy for us to fool around and 'sleep' together, there would be no sex that evening. For me this was a safe option, and at the same time, stretching the bounds of how I would usually act, so I thought good. He agreed at any rate, and so off we went to catch a night bus.

Back at my place, as suggested, the fooling around continued and eventually we moved from lounge to bedroom and while more clothes were removed in the process, it was alright because sex was not on the table. In fact it was better than alright, it was lots of fun and enjoyable and exciting. I think it was getting light out by the time we tried to properly sleep. I forgot to turn my alarm off so it went off at 7, I turned it off. I want to say we got up around 11, but I don't think we really got up until 1. Showered, went and got some food, then returned to my house and back to bed. Fool around a bit, cuddle, snooze, repeat. All good. Eventually such things have to end of course, so at 8:30 at night, he left my house to head back to his and we have tentative plans to meet up next weekend.

So this part, is so far all good. Of course there are questions. I never get fully on board with someone until I know them better, and can trust them. We are definitely getting to know each other, but dating can be so contrived- it's just a slow process. But again, so far so good and I am interested in continuing to get to know him. He's intriguing to me which is probably a good sign. Not my usual type necessarily, but I also know that my physical feelings towards someone develop completely alongside my getting to know them and my emotional attachment. So it's interesting to me that he's different from my usual attraction, but clearly not so different that it puts me off at all, I suppose it's just something I think about.

Now for some complications.

Part of the reason he left at 8:30 is that I said I was going to a party and my friend H was picking me up at 9. Now, this was true- but I was omitting that the 'party' was actually a bdsm club, and that the people I was going to be seeing were likely to be getting in various stages of naked with each other, touching each other, tying each other up, and also beating up on each other a bit. Oh yeah, and that I'd be doing that stuff too.

See, I met L on a vanilla dating site. My profile isn't entirely vanilla. There are clues. There are pretty obvious clues if you know what you're looking for. But what if you don't? And even if you do- if you don't know anything about bdsm sub culture, you may not have any clue to the extent to which someone could be involved in things. And these days, I'm kind of involved in things. To illustrate this point, and detour the story, last night was also loads of fun at the club. The other couple showed up and I tied her up and then tied her to a bench, then me and her husband abused and teased her for a while, which was entirely enjoyable. Then later in the evening I was made a kind offer by G for a bit of a beating and I thought a bit of a beating would be entirely nice so he got me up on a cross and did some flogging and single tailing and something else that I can only describe as a collection of bound flat sticks which I'm sure has a name but I don't know it (closest I can find is midway down this page, the bamboo birch rod). It wasn't overly dramatic by way of beatings and I don't have any bruising- just a few reddish marks today. At any rate, at various points in the evening I was showing far more skin than I've ever shown in the past, and just having a really good time with people I've gotten to know well in the past year. Fun.

But fucking hell. How am I going to bring this up in conversation? I am quite possibly in danger of scaring someone off- a position I never really considered before. But then I have to ask myself- how much of this can I actually give up? Or how much do I want to give up? I have certainly run into problems with pure vanilla dating in the past- mainly because my most submissive tendencies exhibit themselves in my sexual self. I tend to not be sexually aggressive or the instigator- even when I really want contact. Once I'm given the go ahead by my partner, I can go ahead full steam, but I don't tend to make that move first. So I've had people in the past be annoyed because they thought my lack of initiative meant I didn't want it, or they were just annoyed that they were always initiating. So there's that potential issue. And then there's the whole eroticism of pain thing. I like a bit of pain mixed up with my pleasure. I like to suffer for my partner. It seriously turns me on. Not every time and all the time perhaps, but certainly some of the time. I don't think this is something I can just so easily get rid of.

I suppose if someone I'm interested in is so completely against it, then what that means is that we aren't suited to one another. But as much as I accept that, this is also going to make me feel freakish and unnatural. I mean, I know it's a minority thing and I'm not alone in this (and certainly not the most extreme), but I dread that potential issue.

I don't know. For the first time since really exploring this side of myself and reveling in it, I now actually feel it's a possible hindrance.

Or of course I could be worrying about nothing. A couple times during our extended fooling around day he pinned me down to the bed rather nicely. But I'll be the first to admit it's a long way from that, to nipple clamps, gags, and floggers, you know?

Of course I know that this is all just really early stages and time will tell. I just wish I had a better idea of how to bring it up. Or when to bring it up. Or how he'll take it of course. That would be very useful to know.

Anyway. That's the most interesting things that happened this week. Hopefully it will all turn out well and for the best.

Updates

2010-07-19T16:04:00.002+01:00

I didn't even check to see what the last thing I wrote was. I know time has passed again. I'm in Cambridge at the moment. My new split life is good but also bad. I spend 2 nights out of 7 commuting. This leaves me with 2 nights in Cambridge and 3 nights in London for socializing and catching up with people. To be fair, I am much more focused on the London people as in Cambridge I don't know that many people yet. So really what I'm saying is, every week instead of 7 nights to play with I only have 3 and it's hard to find time to schedule with people and also it's tiring all this back and forth.

Although I do really enjoy it. I like what I'm doing and it's interesting. Although time is flying by at an alarming rate and I feel like I have not accomplished particularly much. This is actually not one hundred percent true and I have done a lot, it's just that research is a much slower process with a lot less to show for it as opposed to you know, drawing things.

My skin is not doing well. I thought it was all on the mend but it seems to have taken a backslide. I'm now again considering trying to get an appointment with my GP so I can get a referral to a dermatologist. I know that there's no real cure or solution, but I hope for some new cream or other lotion that will force it into some sort of submission. It seems to respond less and less to what I'm doing, and this is no good.

The past few weeks have had some highs and lows. Had a fairly significant argument with a friend that really upset me. It isn't particularly resolved, or rather, they aren't particularly resolved and aside from getting their way, they haven't a clue as to how else to resolve a disagreement and so we are at a stalemate. However, I'm so strung out by the length of this situation at this point that it's hard to care as it's just made me incredibly angry for a very long time. I care in that, I don't want this to happen, but I don't care in that, if someone can't see reason or act in a reasonable fashion, then it is not my responsibility if I feel I have done so.

Went to a Peer Rope event, the last at the current location and possibly the last for some time. That was a lot of fun. I have some nice bruises still on my arms from a particularly feisty struggle. And that's now over a week ago! Ha. This girl on the train yesterday must have gone to play paintball as she had these perfectly round bruises all over her and then was of course wearing this little cute sun dress thing. I was absolutely fascinated by the bruises, but I still think paintball for me is a step too far.

Had a quasi date with a guy I had a date with a couple of weeks ago. We have planned a more proper date for this Friday. I cannot get overly excited about anything dating wise, but he seems cool and I'd really like to get to know him better to see how it all goes. On the one hand I'm hopeful it goes well, but I'm equally aware of the potential for it to be nothing, hence my lack of excitement either way. Still, so far so good- and at the moment that's all that really matters.

Last bit of excitement is that I'm planning a camping trip for my birthday. As most of my friends are not around, me and H are taking her horse and a horsebox and our bikes and stuff down to the new forest and camping we shall go. I know that it's completely not in keeping with anything about my personality as most people who know me know that I really don't like the outdoors, but I'm ridiculously excited about going camping. Plus a cute little town and beaches are only 4 miles away, and the new forest is right on the doorstep. So hopefully the weather will hold and a good time will be had by all.

Not much else coming to mind. I'm sure there are other things. I know in fact, that there are other things, but my computer is running out of battery and maybe I should try to get some sort of work accomplished today.

A Bit of Ease

2010-06-17T21:47:00.002+01:00

Today went off without a hitch. In fact, it possibly went off well. This was the best possible outcome and I am incredibly relieved. After my blog last night, I continued to work until half past midnight. But it all came together in the end, like it tends to. And the day with the students was rewarding. So it was all good.

This was probably one of the bigger things weighing down on me this week, so to have it be completed is a huge relief. Even though I still have an incredible amount of work to do in the next few days, and a camping trip to go on, I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier.

I feel like I've crossed the peak. There's still a lot to do, but this is all the downhill now. It seems more manageable. Though if I consider it, I'm not sure why. There's so much to do in the next seven days. I guess this one day made all the difference because it was the thing I felt the least confident about. The least sure of. Everything else, though much to do, is all things I know that I know how to do. Somehow that makes it all easier.

Aside from this huge sense of relief, there isn't much to say about today compared to yesterday. I met up with S after teaching in town. We went for drinks with people from his office. That was nice. Always good to catch up.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I fit everything in sometimes. My life is always either manic or dull. I don't seem to get to that in between stage of perfectly balanced commitments and free time. It seems all or nothing with me. On the plus side, in these manic times, it honestly leaves very little time to ponder other things. So much time thinking about everything I need to do - no time at all to just sit around and be maudlin.

Stretching It

2010-06-16T22:51:00.002+01:00

I am drowning in work. Drowning in commitments. Trying to have and do it all. Keeping my nose above the water line. I always knew that this was going to be a rough month. In fact, while I was Stateside, this was frequently on my mind- all the work I was going to have to come home to. It's really this week and next week which are killers, then it all sort of relaxes. So it's not long to go now. It's just in the thick of things.

Just now I'm preparing for a teaching day tomorrow. It's 11pm and I'm not quite done. I've printed out all the stuff I've put together for the first half of the day, but I haven't even written the handout for the second half of the day. This is how my life goes. I just needed a mental break, hence the blog.

Life is good though. I got my UK citizenship last week- so now I'm an Ameri-Brit. It only took seven years. But dual citizenship is pretty cool. It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I don't know if I'll ever truly feel 'British'. I think that after seven years of feeling like an outsider, it's going to take a little bit longer to suddenly accept that I'm one of them!

I've been staying up in Cambridge more- I got a room sorted up there. It's good, but it means that I tend to spend two nights a week commuting. This is two nights a week that are taken away from socializing and it puts a lot more pressure on the other five. And of course only some of those are in London and some of those are in Cambridge. It's the things you don't really think about I guess. How it adds to the stress. But it's better to stay up there than commute daily. I like my little room and the family whose house it's in, and the house for that matter.

So yeah, life is good. As usual, the only thing not good is a lack of a relationship. My most recent fling turned into a flake. Very disappointing. Just now I'm giving up on all of that for a while. At least for the very near future while everything else is a mess. I just can't be bothered to think about it. If I do I just get discouraged and disgruntled. And as I say, pretty much everything else is going well. Relationships can't be the end all and be all of how I define myself, so I won't.

At any rate, I need to finish off this handout. No more procrastinating tonight!

Uncomfortable

2010-05-23T12:40:00.002+01:00

Last day in DC at my Dad's house. I probably made a mistake in the distribution of my time in that I spent a lot of time up in NY with my Mom, and not so much time down here it seems. But I had intended to go to Boston originally from NY as well but didn't. Oh well.

So later today I hop a train back north and tomorrow night I fly back to London. I don't know why, but I'm very stressed about all of this. In some ways I feel I've been gone a long time. I feel disassociated from London and my life there, and somehow it frightens me to go back to it. Probably because I have a lot of work to do. Because I have to hit the ground running. Or maybe I'm just scared of the flight. I have no idea.

Overall the trip has been good though. Got to see pretty much everyone I could and spend quality time with the parents. I even got to relax, so that's a bonus.

I've managed to eat far too much, but then I've tempered that a couple of days even if only because I was so full I was set to explode. At any rate, I haven't gained too much weight as there is a scale here, and I will hopefully lose what I did when I return to my normal eating habits upon my return. Not that my current eating habits are particularly normal, but you know what I mean.

I still don't quite know why I'm so incredibly stressed however. It makes me feel jumpy and edgy and anxious. I mean, obviously it's a combination of the two things I cited, I guess what I'm really saying is that I don't like it. Especially as it's the last two days of my trip, I'd rather just enjoy it. But I'm finding it hard.

It doesn't really matter as I'll be back to my home soon and into the swing of things. I hear they put scaffolding up on my building and the work has started. I think I also hate when I leave and things happen in my absence. Although this is obviously normal, it makes me feel insignificant. And I don't like missing things.

See? I'm just in a weird fucking mood. Ugh.

Scratch

2010-05-12T02:42:00.002+01:00

Greetings from NY. I'll have to add a picture later, not so easy without my regular set up. I suppose I should update, another blurry mess of randomness.

Well, from my last post, the more entertaining story is that I developed a UTI on the day I was off to the States. I didn't realize what it was initially, and it was only just as I was getting ready to go to the airport from my office that I fully figured it out (helped by the unwelcome sight of blood where there shouldn't have been any). I was worried because I figured I needed antibiotics but didn't know how I was going to get them before getting on the plane and I was not really wanting to pay for a doctor in the States to get them. But you know, you do what you have to do. At any rate, with help from T, I managed to call NHS direct to ask them what I should do and they pretty much said to drink loads and see a doctor as soon as I could upon landing. So I called my mom and left her a message and she managed to get her doctor to prescribe her antibiotics for me to take. This was rather fortuitous. So that's been a bit of an adventure.

It amuses me because I've never had a UTI and while I know that the way to prevent them is to get up and go pee after sex, seeing as I've never had one, I never followed this bit of advice, although I know friends for whom it is a quasi religion. At any rate, I have learned my lesson, and I will now make efforts to go pee after sex. Although it makes an amusing story, I prefer it not really happen again.

Keeping on the health track, my skin is a complete disaster. I'm having allergies from hell. I don't know if it's the cat, or just pollen or just stress, or even weather. All I know is that my hands are in worse shape then they have possibly been in years. My eyes are regularly swollen to give me half lidded lizard eyes. And of course my nose is blocked as well. It is well and truly unpleasant, although I'll cite my hands as the worst, and eyes as a follow up second. I'm so used to the sinus issues at this point that it hardly rates. But the skin thing is dreadful. My knuckles are stiff with swollen and irritated skin. I've got red splotches all over the backs of my hands, and my wrists are rubbed raw. I even woke up last night scratching. It's not good. I keep taking benadryl which seems to keep it slightly under control, but that is making me really sleepy, and my skin isn't actually improving, it just makes the incessant itching go away. This is not making me happy.

What is making me happy is seeing friends and good food, and my new computer, which I am typing on right now. Although tomorrow I will be exchanging it for a different one as this one seems to have a few factory quirks and I'm not starting with anything but a perfect machine. However, aside from the weird quirk that will cause me to exchange this one, I otherwise love this machine. Considering my existing laptop is something like six years old, even though this is not a 'top of the line' machine, it just runs circles around my current laptop. So I'm very excited about it, even though it's causing me a bit of initial grief.

Food is also featuring on the positive side of my trip, but then it always does. So far I've had Chinatown dim sum, sushi, Ethiopian, and pizza. Tomorrow I'm having Mexican. I am also thinking of going out first thing and getting fresh bagels for breakfast. Such bounty. I will say however, that I see how much has changed since I've lived in the US. The way people eat, the things that they buy. Over half of it doesn't interest me. Half of it seems so... American. And not in a good way. On the other hand, I didn't eat like this when I lived here, so there are things that have changed in seven years, as one would expect. But sometimes it's just shocking. Prices are also shocking as everything is something like twice the price I keep expecting it to be. It's a bit weird. Makes me feel in some ways that I don't fit in here, but I realize it's normal given how long I've now been in London. I guess it's just interesting how the world continues to shift and change, even over such relatively short times.

I'm here in NY for just about a week, then I'm off to DC to see my Dad and associated parties. It is a nice long break I'm having, which is good. I just wish that I wasn't suffering so much from medical crap. Because I can't fully relax at any time when I'm plagued by such problems. At least the UTI was generally mild and now mostly gone (though I need to finish out the course of antibiotics). It's the skin itching that I think is going to drive me insane. It's all the time. Unless I'm doped up on antihistamines. Not useful when all I really want to do is honestly just relax! But hopefully it will start to get better, because seriously, given the current state, it doesn't get much worse than this.

Anyway, that's the random postings for now. More later I'm sure. It's so nice to have my own laptop!! Oh, and the 'borrowed' Internet isn't so bad either!

Should be Packing

2010-05-05T21:37:00.003+01:00

But when has that ever motivated me? I thought I should update before I took off for the skies. Because my last post was perhaps premature in some ways, and prescient in others.

Since my last post, I had sex. Yes, I decided to give G one more chance after chatting with mutual friend H. She said to me, "G is a bit wet, I'm afraid you're going to have to drive that train." And I just thought well, maybe. I was annoyed that there had been the whole raincheck with no follow up, and my delicate ego wasn't really up for another beating, but I thought I'd give it a try, and aren't I glad I did.

As it was bank holiday weekend, G and I met up Sunday for a movie (An Education) at the Prince Charles then we went for a drink in the lower level bar at the Curzon. I know, very arty of us. We hung out on a sofa for a while, but eventually it was last call and they were kicking us out. We had that moment of 'what next' and it was suggested (not by me) that maybe we could go back to my house, but there was some reservation. Basically G expressed that he didn't want to hurt me. So what ensued was a vaguely grown up conversation about how to have casual intimate relationships, what the rules were, and so forth, and with that out of the way, we popped over to Chinatown for a fried rice take away and took the bus back to mine.

Of course on the bus, we watched some porn on my mp3 player. That was amusing. There is something pleasing about being able to share certain aspects of yourself without repercussion. I know that most of my friends know about my sexual interests, but that doesn't mean I want to share it specifically with them (or that they would want me to). I like that I can just express something kinky or deviant and it's just accepted. But better than being accepted, it's appreciated.

At any rate. Back to my house, some wine, some books, some whip cracking in the lounge. You know, the usual. Then we went up to my room and had some fun. In fact, we had a lot of fun. Marred by one small incident that was quickly overcome. Positive comment of note, my matching underwear set and my waist cincher corset with some sexy shoes looks pretty hot. Note to self, invest in another waist cincher corset.

So that was really positive right? Right?? But the not so great thing since my last post has been my eating. Atrocious. I've gotten it into my head that I'm overweight because I eat more calories than I use up. So, the only way to lose weight is to eat less. Therefor, I've spent the better part of the past five days or so not eating that much. Impressively I've lost 4 pounds, but I know this isn't clever. On the other hand, I do just get really frustrated. I read an article on a health website that was all about the calories in/calories out equation and how it's bullshit that people are 'looking for the fat gene' because really, they're just eating too much. I think, okay, this is true to a certain extent. The only problem is, if you don't burn enough calories in a day, then you have to eat less then the 'recommended average' in order to be a 'healthy' weight. I'm convinced that the only way for me to be 'thin' at my current activity level is to actually eat less to the point where my daily intake would be somewhat shocking. On the other hand, I really don't eat all that terribly. Don't have junk food, not loads of high fat stuff, lots of vegetables. I do believe that I have portion control issues sometimes, but I don't snack. So what? Need less calories. Must eat less food.

Although in saying this, going to the States tomorrow is not going to uphold this new eating plan, as pretty much my entire visit revolves around eating food. So either this phase will pass in the almost three weeks I'm away, or I'll come back and restrict my eating again because I'll have gained a lot of weight. Who knows. We'll see.

As for going to the States tomorrow, I'm so stressed. My skin is a disaster. It's been an incredibly busy time with school stuff - change of supervisor, changing from my internship period to my research period, and getting ready for this trip. I've been avoiding thinking about the trip basically but all of the sudden it's tomorrow and I haven't gotten everything done. Not to mention the phobia. Not at all looking forward to the flight. Feel like I'm hurtling towards something I can't stop, and am not quite sure I want. I'm sure I'll have a good time once I'm there, but it's hard to get my head in the right space. I feel like I'm being ripped from my life, just leaving a void, floating in limbo. I really don't like that feeling.

So that's a vague update. I should say more about the sex. It's so novel to me. Still. I honestly wonder sometimes if there will come a time when sex isn't novel to me. Not to mention the thrill of riding crops and rubber whips, leather cuffs and a collar, chains, nipple clamps, blindfolds, hoods, vibrators, and porn. How on earth does anyone ever get tired of it?? That's a challenge I would happily take on.

Anyway. I suppose I should consider packing. Or maybe I should leave that for the morning. Think good plane thoughts for me.

Time For It

2010-05-02T11:52:00.005+01:00

I miss writing, it just never seems the right time.

So all these good ideas and thoughts pass me by and like most things in life, generally disappear forever. I don't like it.

So while I don't have anything entirely pressing to say just now, it is time to sit down and write, just because. So here goes.

In less than a week I fly to the States. I'm trying not to think about the flying thing, though I suppose I should. I'm just now considering and trying to remember if I have enough drugs for the trip. I'll need to check that. Could be a problem. Although I think I might be okay, but then this will be using up whatever I have left so I will definitely need to make an appointment for more.

School is going well I think. Hard for me not to say 'work' to be honest. Hard to think of myself as a 'student'. I have a new supervisor. She's fairly impressive. She is going to kick my ass in the best possible way and I'm going to do much better work because of her efforts. A friend of mine delighted me by responding to my comments on this subject with the following:

"It also seems like you're happy to be driven like a rented mule with this new boss. Almost like she's taking control, giving orders, handing out punishments to her rebellious staff. Sounds perfect for you."

Of course, this is entirely accurate. Isn't it wonderful?

In sadder news, I haven't had sex since my last posting. This is entirely why I don't get involved in such scenarios. If I'm going to have a friend with benefits, I want a lot of benefits. Like weekly benefits. If this much time passes in between, then I just sort of wonder what the point is. When I've gone through the trouble of opening the door to sex, it just stirs up all sorts of thinking and desires. I prefer to have that door shut, or have that door being used. Not just sitting idly open. That isn't good for me. So I'm working on dealing with the disappointment. Though I don't regret the particular evening. I'm just sad that it hasn't been followed up on. (And yes, I've made an offer, I was politely declined for a 'raincheck'. Whatever.)

When I go home I'm getting a new laptop. I need one for all of my moving about between the city and Cambridge and home. I need something I can carry my own work on and have the things I need readily at hand. I'm going to get an ultra-light, 13.5". Just haven't decided on the brand yet. I've been waiting for a couple of new released from Acer and Asus but it looks like they're going to be too late, so I either need the previous model or I need to go look at some other options in the shop. At least that gives me something to do when I get there.

To continue with the garbage in my head, I've been feeling particularly fat these days. I don't really know what's brought it on, well, let me rephrase this. The incident with G and the lack of follow up in the sex department really doesn't help with my body image issues. But also, it seems I knew a number of women who are losing weight or thinking about weight and this always makes me consider my own weight. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do about it yet, but it's something I'm thinking about a lot, almost bordering on unhealthy. Should I consider myself lucky or not that even though I mentally obsess about these things, I rarely get to the point of taking action - in particular, stupid actions. But then again, that attitude of laziness just fuels my negative thinking about how I'm a terrible person. Alas.

Which isn't to say I've been hugely down on myself. I haven't been. I'm enjoying my new post-fire short haircut. I'm enjoying the spring. I'm enjoying my work. I'm enjoying my friends, for as much as I see of them at the moment, although I do feel perhaps a bit alone. That's not terribly unusual though. I'm looking forward to going home, I'm looking forward to coming back. I just can't quite get past the sense that something is missing or off. Maybe it's the flight coming up. I don't know. I'm not dwelling to the point where it's overwhelming me, but I acknowledge that it's there.

Oh yeah, and in my last bit of random spouting, they're about to start work on my building so that sort of sucks. Going to be covered in scaffolding some time next week, just as the weather is getting to the point where I want windows open. Not to mention that this little exercise by the Council is going to cost me somewhere in excess of eight grand in squids. And on top of that I just got a notice yesterday that in addition to all the Decent Homes work that they're getting ready to start and charge me for, they're going to do a secure entry door installation and that's going to be a new and separate bill. Great. The timing couldn't be worse really. I had saved some money to fund my studentship and it looks like it's all about to fly out the window. Just really really bad timing.

But that's life I guess. It's all life. Just trucking along. Tick tock, tick tock. What else can you do?

Fire in the Disco

2010-04-11T20:08:00.004+01:00

Well, last night was interesting.

Last night was Club Crimson. H picked me up and we headed south of the River to have dinner at G's. Originally, Heathrow was also coming, but he canceled. I should back up to say that this vaguely originated out of last weekend, which was the Japanese Rope Bondage festival thing and H, Heathrow, and G all came over to mine for dinner before we headed off to that. So G was reciprocating the gesture.

At any rate, I suppose I should also back up to say that there had been some nice play at the Japanese event. Me and G topped H, H and G topped me, and Heathrow topped H and me at the same time. So that was all fun. It also established some of the setting for us to play with each other again.

I should also back up to say that I met G because he contacted me on IC and we went on a date. Then nothing happened for a while, then we met up again for a fun evening out. He was hard to read though. I didn't get the impression he necessarily wanted anything, but he would keep showing up, an email here and there or a text. And I like him, and think he's cute so while I wasn't waiting around for him, I also wasn't averse to just seeing where it went, in whatever time it took.

So there we are. H picks me up last night and we drive to G's. We're a bit late because of traffic, but that's okay. We get there and settle down to a very nice tofu and soy bean stir fry with noodles that I wouldn't mind getting the recipe for, some wine, and then I brought dessert. Then we all got changed and headed to the club, about an hour or so late, but that was also okay.

The club was okay. They had set up for some performances which meant they'd changed the layout a bit which I think wasn't quite as good. It mean there were less individual areas to set up for play, and also I think the performances somewhat broke the mood or tone for a play club. Also, with the growing desire for rope stuff, there were some new frames that were absolutely massive. There was a double frame (that could really have held four sets of players) and then one massive frame in the other room. Maybe they could have done away with the one in the other room. I just thought it didn't quite work as well.

At any rate, I spent the initial half of my evening generally socializing and trying to get into a better mood for stuff. There seems to be some drama with some folk and that was upsetting H and me, and then there was E who was a bit drunk and perhaps contributing to this drama (though not necessarily in a bad way, because I think she was saying things that probably needed to be said, it just wasn't helping the evening was all). So even though I'd packed my toy bag, I wouldn't say the tone was quite right within my group of friends for doing much play. There were some staples going on (not in me) but that was about it.

So I wandered around here and here, looking at some performances, watching some other scenes, trying to identify people from their online photos, and feeling perhaps slightly mellow and trying to get in a better mood.

It was the first time G had been to Crimson and he seemed to know a few people but also vaguely stayed within our group. He and I hung out a bit, then also with a girl he knew. Later on in the evening, as the play was really getting going and established he was trying to convince me and the other girl to let him cane us. She wasn't keen, but I figured I was game. But I don't know G overly well, so I wanted H to be around to supervise the play. G and girl scoped out a spot in the other room and I went to get H and my kit bag. H proceeded to put all of my leather kit on me (ankle cuffs, wrist cuffs, collar) and then put a bar gag on me and then loaded me up with my bags and her bags and led me on a rope leash into the other room.

G and girl were situated by one of the posts of the smaller frame so they took the bags off me, then took the rope leash and threaded it up through the attachment points on the post so I was attached by collar and neck standing to the post. My wrists were clipped together and then perhaps clipped to a lower attachment point on the post, as I seem to recall I couldn't move them. Then they started to play with me. H was in front and G behind. There was stroking and pegs, and my corset came off, and scratches and canes and pinching and twisting. It was a pretty good scene to be honest. I was in a very good head space. There was a pleasant mix of tactile pleasure and pain. This had gone one for what... 15-20 minutes? Then, all of the sudden there was some gasping, an 'Oh my God!' and a rather awful smell and they were releasing me.

As they were letting me go, I vaguely came to understand that my hair had caught fire. I hadn't known- I hadn't felt any heat. It must have been incredibly quick. But from what H told me later, it was horrifying as there was a massive flare up of fire and it was very frightening though they put it out almost instantly. I should reiterate, it was out and I had no idea until after it had happened. Of course, there was the awful smell of burnt hair and H sat me down and started combing through my hair and I was just getting covered in charred blackened things coming off my head. G was mortified and H was trying to see how bad the damage was and I was either in shock or I just handle these things okay because I was maybe a bit upset, but what was done was done. I guess my biggest worry was how much hair was missing and how much I'd have to get cut off. H continued to comb it through with her fingers and decided maybe it wasn't as bad as it first seemed, she showed me a small handful of hair that was all that came out (aside from all the charred ash) so I started to feel better about it.

Of course the smell lingered. I didn't feel like going to the bathroom to check the damage. I mean, what could I do about it? And I think it probably wasn't so bad. I'm lucky that my hair is both curly and layered, and often people don't even know if I got a haircut. So I figured if the damage wasn't too bad, it would probably be hidden in my normal hair. The biggest shame was that our play had gotten interrupted. I think while everyone was a bit in shock, that was the biggest disappointment. So after some quite sitting time and reassurances and hugs and the like, we decided to move to the other room. G and I went ahead but somehow we lost H to some friends, and G wanted to smoke. So we went down to the smokers area for him to smoke and me to shiver.

As we were out there, I could see that G was conflicted. He felt really really awful about the hair, although I kept assuring him that it was probably fine and that accidents happen and I wasn't permanently hurt in any way. On the other hand, all his play energy got cut as well and he didn't really want that to end. He was sort of joking about whether or not we could start over, but I would say the mood was a bit ruined. When he then asks what I'm doing after. I said H was coming to mine to crash before heading home. And he says, "Oh, because I would have invited you back to mine." And I was like, "Well, what would we do at yours?". And he answers, "I could beat you some more and we could have sex".

Huh.

Well, I'd like to say that I handled this situation with aplomb and ease, but it opened the door right up to my biggest area of insecurity and issues so I sort of froze up like a deer in headlights. Then he thought he'd made a mistake. I tried to explain it's not that he made a mistake, but that I honestly couldn't answer that question. I can't say yes, I can't say no. I just freeze. Well, I'm sure this isn't what anyone really wants to hear, so we sort of talked around it and were quiet, and talked around it some more. Weren't really making progress and went back in to work out where H had gone.

Found H with the people she knew and sat by her and our bags. G went to get a drink and in those 2 minutes I explained what had happened to H. Her opinion? I should go sleep with him. So I expressed to her the same thing I did to him- that I am simply incapable of making a decision. But also that I don't really do the one night stand thing, and I didn't want to just go sleep with him if that was all it was so she said I should just ask him if that was what it was. By this time he'd come back and the uncomfortable issue still hung heavy in the air.

So I attempted to ask if it was a one night sort of thing or not and we both end up on some esoteric tangent of conversation. I think the short version was that neither of us is really into one night stands, but he in particular can't see himself being ready for a 'relationship' right now, though I wasn't asking to jump right in to a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of thing. Just knowing if there was something more than a one off. This conversation took a while, H went to say goodbye to other people while we talked. When she got back she asked what was going on, but we still hadn't come to any sort of conclusion.

So as we sat there, G got slightly more amorous and his hand crept up my skirt and under my panties and H turns back to work out what's going on and sees me and is just like, "Right, I'm either giving you a ride to G's, or not at all but look at you, I'm clearly not giving you a ride home. Go. Home. With. Him." So we packed up our stuff and went to the car and I was still in deer in headlight mode and pretty quiet. We got to G's place and he gets out and there's sort of this last minute "Well, what's going on?" and H says, "G, tell K that she needs to go with you and you are going to wash her hair." So he repeats and she turns to me and is like, "Right, you, out of the car." So I went.

Does this sound wrong? The thing is, it wasn't wrong for me because I honestly could not make this decision for myself. Talking to H today about it, she suggests (and I probably agree) that this is why I need and want a dominant man. I can't make these sorts of decisions. It can't be left up to me. Because what happened is exactly what happens. I freeze, become indecisive, and can't take any action at all (which by default creates an action, I understand that, but it's not one I picked). I did want to go with G. I desperately wanted to be that type of girl to throw caution to the wind and just have fun. But I can't do that. Or at least, I can't make the decision to do that. So part of me did hugely yearn to just go with him and the other part become very mired down in internal thoughts of "But what does this all mean?" creating general ennui.

So.

Off I went with G to his house. His flatmates who had been out when we were there for dinner seemed to be home. We went to his room and I was suddenly extremely tired (it was about 5am) so I curled up on the bed while he went around taking care of some things. Then we curled up on the bed together and just sort of cuddled and touched for a bit which was actually just sort of gentle and nice. He asked if I wanted my hair washed and I said only if the smell was really bothering him (it did really smell). So we continued on but about five minutes later he pulled me up to the bathroom and had me bend over the tub while he washed my hair. Then back to bed. Clothes started coming off, and then we were fucking. And it was niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

It went on for a while. There was some breast pinching and breath restriction and hand pinning thrown in, but overall it was fairly mellow. And he had good stamina which I appreciate. Eventually I was so worked up and getting tired so I reached down to get myself off while we continued to fuck which was lovely. And then we curled up to sleep.

I think he slept pretty well. I never sleep that well with new people but he seemed out like a light. I tried not to disturb him too much as I got comfortable and then eventually I slept too. I had no idea of the time when I woke up. I liked that he was fairly huggy in bed, though I do tend to get warm so had various arms and legs out of the covers. And of course, regardless of how much sleep I've had, I'm always wide awake in the morning. But I didn't want to disturb him too much. It had been a rather long and involved night. So I dozed in and out and just waited. Eventually he started moving albeit very slowly and I told him how I was a morning person and that I was being very well behaved and not bothering him and we alternately dozed and cuddled for a while. Eventually though I was antsy so I started poking/tapping him. He said it probably wasn't a good idea, so I kept poking him some more.

So he gets up, gets my bag, gets my leather gear out and puts on my collar and wrist cuffs, then uses the ankle cuffs to attach to the headboard and then the wrists to the ankle cuffs so I was face down on the middle of the bed. He put the leather end of a leash he had between my teeth and told me to hold it there, and I thought he was going to spank or cane me, and I think he did give me a swat or two, but next thing I know he's rolling on a condom and we get to have sex again. Yay!! And just like the night before, very good stamina. And this position is one of my favorites because of how you can feel it, laying flat like that with him on top behind. It went on and on until I felt quite spacey and eventually he finished (although, I'm terrible at this, I don't know in either case if he 'finished' or just finished) and then he pulled out a latex glove and played with me until I came and then came again and was squirming to try and get away from him because I was so sensitive. Having worn me out, he unsnapped the connection of my left wrist and put it over to attach to the right so I was back on one side of the bed and then made a pleased with himself comment that I didn't seem so impatient to get up anymore.

We chilled for a bit, and then he went to go make tea and toast while I was still connected to the bed. He came back and undid one wrist so I could eat and drink and then we slowly got moving. He set up the shower for me so I could have a proper shower, and he had a shower and I packed up my stuff and some time around 2 or 3 we walked from his place to Brixton station and I rode home.

So yeah, that was my pretty crazy night. Burnt hair and yummy sex.

I'm not really sure what's going on with G or when I'll see him again, though I assume that I will see him again and we'll perhaps play again, and sleep together again. Even if it's not a 'Relationship', it's certainly a welcome distraction.

Now I need to go and have a proper night sleep!!

Thinking

2010-03-28T17:08:00.003+01:00

I know, it's been a while again. Seems to me I'm all over the place. Not often in one place for too long. When I'm at home, all I want to do is either sleep (because it's time to do so) or completely vegetate because I'm exhausted. What's funny is that this isn't really because my work is intense. My work, is in fact, not all that intense, though it is moving along, and alright at that. But it seems to be everything else. Social commitments, lectures, symposiums, traveling, and guests seem to be taking up a much larger percentage of my time than it did in the past. Maybe this is because many people I hung out with used to be where I worked, but the reality is, very few of the people I'm meeting up with are still at my old office, so that excuse doesn't really hold water.

All I know is I'm pretty tired, though I'm not complaining, because I'm generally enjoying my life at the moment.

This being said, I know I've neglected the blog a bit. I think about it, but when I want to write, it's not possible and when it's possible, it's not high on my list. But it's not something I'd like to lose entirely, so maybe I'll try to get back on it a bit. I'm hoping that when I go home in May and get a new computer, this portability of having my own device might ease up on some of the restraints on me when I'm out and about currently.

So what is there to wax on about then? Perhaps not much. As I say, I'm enjoying life for the most part. The weather is improving which is good. I'm still very interested in and stimulated by what I'm doing work-wise. My friends are for the most part okay, though full of the usual annoyances here and there. My flat is okay, the flatmate and I have come to an agreement that we have our own toilet paper, so this has eased one of the only few issues I was having.

No relationship things at the moment. I've met out with a guy a few times who I think is very interesting and I wouldn't mind seeing if it could progress, but he seems reluctant to do this, although he also seems interested enough to want to keep in touch and meet up occasionally. Not stressed about it as there isn't anything to be stressed about. But nothing else of interest going on in that department either.

Still going to occasional clubs and events. In fact there's something on this next weekend and the following week. So I'll probably go to those and give my ropes an airing and maybe get some play in. But not a big deal really, nothing to get overly excited about.

Been cooking a bit. The current fascination is making tasty things out of my Ottolenghi cookbook. So far the two things I've made have been delicious and very true to my experiences at the restaurant. So highly recommended by me.

I don't know. I feel somewhat dull at the moment. Not that anything I'm doing is particularly dull, but that it would come across as dull to anyone else. I don't feel that I'm particularly interesting at all just now, even though somehow I'm busy all the time. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, I just don't have very much to get all talkative about. Well, there are some topics I could get talkative about, but I think I'd rather not just yet. I've decided that sometimes getting overly irate and bitchy about people puts me in a bad mood, so I'm trying to cut back. Just a little. Let it build up until I can't stand it any longer, that seems a far better time to rant then just for the hell of it. ;)

Book Covers

2010-02-27T20:14:00.003Z

Considering that things are supposed to come in threes, I'm just waiting for the third piece of this business to be over with. Two has been quite enough.

Earlier in the week I had a meeting with a professor at Cambridge. This professor had contacted my supervisor asking if he would be interesting in reviewing a Master's thesis. My supervisor was perhaps not interested, or just busy, but suggested me for the job. I have been corresponding via email with said professor and sent my CV - all seemed to be moving along in the usual fashion and we arranged to meet to talk in person on Wednesday.

Within moments of meeting I was being told about how the people on this particular Master's course have 'work experience' and the average age of a student is 30, and how maybe the students expect their examiners and teachers to be, you know, older than them. At which point I interrupted to thank the professor kindly for the compliment but to reiterate that I am in fact, 35, and have 10 years of solid work experience which I think make me qualified to actively participate in discussion and academic activities related to my field.

It was clear however, that he was having none of it. He didn't ask about my experience, he didn't follow up with any of the detailed information sent along with my CV. Upon seeing me, he had written me off as not fitting whatever visual criteria he deemed necessary for this particular job.

I was frustrated.

Then, just today on IC, I had a memo from someone expressing interest in possibly dating. I was a bit cautious, as I am always a bit cautious with such things, and he was a bit older than what I preferred, as well as separated three years and still not divorced, but he was interesting and the conversation seemed to be going alright but he had no photos on his profile. So I pointed him to where he could find a photo of me and asked for one in return, only to be told a few hours later, that having looked at my photographs, it was clear to him he would not be interested in anything beyond friendship so best to be honest up front about such things.

While I agree, it's not like it feels particularly nice to hear.

As a counterpoint to this, I suppose, I had a date a couple of weeks go that didn't work out at all, but one of the first things the man said to me upon meeting is that I was far more attractive in person than I was in my photographs.

How am I supposed to take this stuff?

Because it seems to me that the only clear course of action is to descend in some sort of self displeasure. Obviously there's something wrong with me, something so wrong that it's just bleating itself out before I even have a chance to speak. Yes, I know that this does not make sense in regards to my last bit of story, but what part do you think I'm focusing on? The fact that he said I was pretty in person or the fact that he basically said my photos were ugly? The same photos, I should point out, that I just got rejected on, and photos that I think are probably the best ones I have of me. I am not photogenic!!

But it's more than that you know. How much in life can women be constantly told that her looks don't matter and she shouldn't be obsessed with them, and then equally be told that she's being judged on her looks all the time? I really work hard to try not to think about this stuff too much because I know where my tendencies sit. But it's really hard when it's reflected in your face.

Global Weirding

2010-02-21T15:05:00.006Z

My new life direction means that I spend a lot of time thinking about and considering environmental issues. Specifically how the buildings that we live in, and how we live in them, are contributing to climate change.

What I find the most difficult is that I move between Cambridge and the 'real world'. At Cambridge, there are many many people who spend their entire days considering how the planet is quickly falling into ruin. There are lectures and talks and courses. To be at Cambridge and be studying environmental issues means to be completely surrounded by facts and figures and knowledge. Rather disturbing knowledge. And every week I get an injection of this.

Then I come back to London, back to my industrial partner, and back to interacting with people who are not considering the global climate crisis every minute of their day. And the difference is jarring. How can all of these people continue to go about their daily (wasteful) lives and not consider what is happening to the planet? And particularly, how what they are doing as individuals is contributing to what is happening to the planet.

The thing is, I understand completely how this happens. Because our media and our government has yet to take the message to the people strongly. What would happen if we stopped being so consumerist? Global economy would collapse, or at least suffer very badly. What happens as a nation becomes westernized and industrialized? The more consumerist they become. The more they contribute to the wasteful global culture that is literally digesting the planet and its resources. We equate progress with consumption. It's a deadly error.

Not deadly to the planet mind you. But deadly to humans. Environmentalists aren't really talking about 'the death of the planet' because the planet is a fairly resilient place. Animal species will go extinct, it's true, but in general, life on earth will flourish. But human life will be another matter. If regions become uninhabitable, if sea levels rise, millions of people will die. If it gets very bad, nations will have to clamp down lest they become chaotic and uncontrolled. The future doesn't seem like such a nice place sometimes.

But who is really thinking about the future beyond what they might have for dinner? Or where they might go on holiday? It's too difficult I think for most people to look around their house, comforted by their things, go to their fully stocked shops, turn on their lights and heating and expect it to work, be surrounded by advertising for more stuff and understand that there is any sort of real crisis going on. It seems like it's far away, and affects other people, because it just isn't hitting home yet.

I suppose the fear is, when it finally hits home, will it be too late to make a difference? If only people would take small steps now, will that avert having to make massive sacrifices later? Who knows. I guess we'll all find out.

So this is my new life - crossing between this line of academic panic and cultural blindness. It's a somewhat unnerving place to be. It's not that I want to become a hard line environmentalist, but I can see how it happens. What else are you supposed to do with that level of fear and impotence? I tell you, some part of me wants to go build a self-sufficient home in the middle of America and turn my back on everything and take care of myself. That's what it makes me want to do. But if you can't do that, then you find yourself looking in fascination and horror at all of the waste and ignorance around you. It isn't comfortable. It isn't nice.

And I'm going to be doing this for three years?? It's only been a month. The future is a pretty scary place to tell you the truth. Full of change that we can't even begin to imagine. So I'm going to go watch TV and try to forget about it for a while. After all, when I calculated my carbon footprint I was pleased to see that I'm at half the average for my type of house. I'd be even better but my assumption of two return airplane trips per year really throw it out. Yet another reason to desire an alternative to flying!!

Stuffed

2010-02-07T12:57:00.008Z

For practically a month now, my sinuses have been giving me intense grief. I don't have a cold. This much is certain. I did have a cold- right before I went to the States in December, but that went away and I have not had a cold since then. What I have had, is one half of my nose being clogged pretty much non stop. Sometimes it's worse than others and more bothersome than others, but what it is, is always present, and generally always the same side of my nose. I feel like I haven't breathed right for a very long time.

I've tried decongestant. I've tried my fail safe neti pot. I've tried cold medication. I've tried antihistamines. I really don't know what else to do, aside from see the doctor, but my expectations are pretty low in that area. What I do know, is that I'm really really sick of it, and I feel like it's affecting other parts of my head. For example, my eyes have been particularly itchy lately. Not like my normal skin condition which makes my skin dry and flaky, but it's more like the inside of my eye is itchy. Maybe it's the eyeball. Again I have no idea, but I know it gets so bad, I'd like to pretty much claw my eyes out. And again I don't really know what to do about it. My topical skin creams don't seem particularly appropriate for this particular problem.

So this has all been a bit frustrating. I hate feeling old and decrepit.

In other news, my change over to full time student is an ongoing process. It's not quite been a month yet, and a lot has gone on and there has been a lot to assimilate. Most recently I learned I was not able to exempt from the two course requirement so I'm now looking at adding a course this term which is already three weeks in, to see if I can knock one off. That is adding a bit of stress to me at the moment, because I'm just trying to figure out how to manage everything else I have going on at the moment. The commute to Cambridge is okay- but it takes at least an hour and a half each way. This means on a day I go to Cambridge I am at least three hours on the train. Last week, I went on Wednesday and Thursday so I spent over six hours on trains in two days. It's tiring. On the alternate days of the week, I'm commuting in to Bond Street which is crowded and busy and takes time as well. Although my actual work commitments are at the moment low, I am run ragged just from all the moving about. It eats up so much time- I don't get home before the shops are shut, and I need to be better at cooking meals because on my new student budget, I need to reduce my going out.

It's all okay, don't get me wrong, but it's a major life change and I'm in that transition phase of adjustment.

Otherwise things are okay at the moment. Not much going on to note or of interest.

Oh, one exciting thing- I finally got registered with the Cambridge library system and so I decided to look up all of the books on my amazon wish list (generally related to my field/topic) that I've bookmarked over time but would be very expensive to buy. All but one of the books are at the library!! It's like a kid in a candy shop! As a PhD student, I can take out books for 8 weeks, so when I go up this week, or maybe next week, I'll make a trip to the library to get all of these books I've wanted. It's very exciting. And on top of that- reading these books is actually what my job is at the moment, so even better!! I feel quite lucky in this respect. I am really enjoying what I'm doing.

Although, perhaps this is a topic for another post- there is something to be said between swinging back and forth between an academic environment and the real world and how the overriding messages of the communal mindset change. Is that confusing? I'll explain later.

Staples

2010-02-02T21:47:00.004Z

I've been waiting for this picture so I could post. Actually, I was hoping that the picture might be more telling, but I don't mind actually. It's a nice picture, it's just that it's the only look I'm going to get at what was happening to me.

That's right. A photo of me. A rarity to be sure.

It's from a week ago on Saturday. I went clubbing. Kinky clubbing at Club Crimson to be exact. I went in December and that was pretty good, although I didn't 'do' anything. I just chatted with people and watched people, and got to wear my dress up kink clothes, but really that was it.

This time around, I checked with a friend of mine to see if she was going and decided somewhat spur of the moment that I would go and be social and make an effort to go out and meet people and stuff. Since the last Crimson, I had also acquired my very own set of rope. I figured that was good because I should stop relying on Heathrow to borrow some, all things considered, and that I actually sort of like tying people up, so having my own equipment seemed fair.

At any rate, friend of mine, H, sent me a series of text messages enticing me to go that concluded with a promise that I could tie her and K up in whatever naughty way I could imagine. She also said that I could use other toys, that it was all up to me. So I made a very small kit bag, dressed up, and went off to the club.

Still did some socializing for a while at the club, but eventually got down to my promised tie. I had been trying to think of a way to tie two people together that would be naughty and fun but also not be static or take too long or be boring. It's a bit tricky because it wasn't like I wanted to do too much to them once I had them tied, it was more like I wanted to tie them in a way that they could do things to one another and I could just supervise. So I had this idea but it was perhaps a bit complicated and not helped by not having the right sort of chair or support, so it didn't work out entirely like I hoped, but it didn't seem to matter too much because they were having enough fun with how I connected them.

I also had this nice idea of how to attach a set of nipple clamps to a gag, so someone could be naughty or nice. And once they'd had it the one way, I turned it around to make it all fair. I think K had never had such clamps before. They were clover clamps and somewhat severe, especially with any extra tugging. I should also point out that part of the beauty of clamps isn't how much they might hurt or ache when on, but how much they really hurt when they come off. I think neither of them wore them for more than 5 minutes, but it was certainly enough to give that painful shock as the blood flow returned. The audible gasps from K were a particularly nice touch.

At any rate, after some fun and games there, I eventually untied them both and we all chilled for a while with A also who had been around watching. H asked me if I wanted a play and I sort of did, though I can really be very shy about going after anything like that. I generally need to be approached by someone, and it needs to be someone I know reasonably or else I probably won't. But I do know H reasonably, and I've tied her a few times and just had a slightly more intimate moment so it seemed like a good idea.

She asked me if there was anything I didn't like (as I had also asked her and K) and I said no, not really and she said well she really really likes sharp things, and in particular surgical staples. Sharp things being something I haven't played with before to be honest, but I was willing to give it a go.

So after a while we made our way to the other room and grabbed one of the spanking benches that had a cage built in underneath it. H said I needed to take clothes off, so in the end I got down to my fishnets, my black panties, and my boots and nothing else. The first time I've really stripped off in a club, though it's not an unusual site, it's the first time I did it, and I was feeling good. So I went face down on that bench (in fact, exactly that bench) and H got out her rope and started criss-crossing my entire body with rope to the bench.

Now I should point out that K, and A, were helping H. It was sort of like three way topping, though it was H's show. So they all were tying me down and making the rope tight (you need to, it has a tendency to loosen with struggle) and I was enjoying the slow encasement and constriction while wiggling and kicking occasionally while I still could.

Then a very cold spray went over my back as H sprayed me with disinfectant and came to tell me a bit about what she was going to do, but I figured just go with it and I'd see how I felt. A stayed at my head to make sure that I was okay, and also to better tie my hands which were the only part of me free (I had put them under my head when I sort of lay down over the bench). And then, the stapling began. It was like a bit of a pinch and then really you don't feel much at all. Surgical staples aren't like normal staples. Aside from coming pre-packaged in sterilized staplers, they don't go very deep and curve inwards to 'stick' to the skin. It takes a special little tool to remove them, though you can pull them out with some effort (and potentially a bit of mess - not really recommended)

If anything, the gentle feeling of hands lightly stroking over my back was ticklish. And probably the adrenaline didn't hurt either, so I found myself giggling and trying not to wiggle from the tickling. Once enough staples went in, H was instructing K to take ribbon and cross it back and forth through the staples and over the rope- essentially connecting me to the rope across my body. They Did this over a couple of the ropes and then pulled the ropes together with more ribbon which tightened the connection. Now, if I struggled, it wasn't just rope that I was straining against, but the staples in my skin.

And then they started to stroke and pinch and tickle and slap and cane and flog and poke and prod me. And it was a ton of fun. Even when it hurt I was grinning like an idiot and laughing because it was just tremendously fun. Endorphins and adrenaline and all those lovely body chemicals just burbled up and I was soaking up every last minute of the attention of three different people as they played with my body. H kept coming to check if I was still laughing, and suggesting they needed to hit me harder, which they would do, and then I'd yelp at the pain followed by a trill of laughter.

It went on for some time, or at least, it certainly felt like it went on for some time.

Now nothing was overly sexual. No one was touching in any way that I felt was inappropriate. My panties never came off, no hands went anyplace that made me uncomfortable. It was erotic and charged, certainly. But not an overly sexual sort of scene. Probably better for me, certainly better for a first public play.

Eventually all fun things must come to an end and the ribbons were undone and the staples came out and the rope was unbound (though not before they took the staples out but left the rope on to tickle me until I was screeching for them to stop- they couldn't do that with the staples in, I would have pulled them out with thrashing, even under restraint). We cleaned up and I got dressed and we all hung out for a while more, but it was five in the morning and we had to go home!

When I woke just before lunch and looked to see if there were any mementos of my evening, I found I had lovely little pin point parks across my back where the staples had been, and light bruises on my bottom from all the hits. And of course there was that lovely huge grin across my face that wouldn't quite go away.

Assaulted by Vegans

2010-01-22T23:12:00.002Z

Earlier this week I went to pick up my vegetables. For well over a year now, I have subscribed to an organic vegetable box scheme. One in fact, I would highly recommend. One of their principles is to really limit their carbon footprint. So instead of delivering to many individual houses (as many box schemes do), they deliver to local pick-up points and it's up to you to collect your vegetables from the pick-up point once a week.

Now as it turns out, I only live a block away from one of the pick-up points, which certainly impacts my general like of the scheme I'm sure. The next point of note, is that the particular pick-up point by me is a vegan cafe.

Now, to back the story up slightly, and to connect to my previous post, when I started at my industrial partner, I thought I needed a somewhat nicer jacket than my old stained puffy feather green jacket. The only jacket I really had was a leather jacket with a fur trimmed hood. I figured this was nicer and perhaps better to wear to work than an old stained green jacket. On top of that, it's warmer as well which is good because London has been a bit cold this winter.

I'm sure we can all see where there story is going. But yes, I went to pick up my vegetables, at the vegan cafe, wearing my leather jacket with fur trimmed hood.

Now I'm not an idiot and it did occur to me that maybe this wasn't ideal, but it was the last day for vegetable pick-up and I figured what, maybe I'd get some dirty looks but really I was just going in and out and that would be that.

No.

So I get there and it's busy. And almost immediately as I walk up to the counter to tell them I'm there for my vegetables a little punk ass two-toned hair vegan starts calling over to me and asking if I know the fur on my jacket is real fur.

Yes I say. I know it's real fur. This jacket is also 20 years old at this point, and you know what? I eat meat, and I'm okay with it. Sorry if it offends you.

He then asks me if I would wear an aborted fetus that was 20 years old.

I said I would and turned away from him. This was obviously going to be a pointless exercise. And of course, the staff were busy and no one was coming to the counter and I was stuck. Worse, stringy vegan boy's table is blocking my access to the vegetables so I ask his table-mate to move so I can just get my vegetables and be on my way. She of course doesn't move, then the staff come out.

I apologize, say I really didn't mean to cause trouble, just want my vegetables and am happy to go. I should also point out that the vegan cafe is not the one I pay for the vegetables. They host the pick-up service, possibly even get some money (or vegetables) to offer the pick-up service, but they are not the ones offering a service to me.

Vegan two-tone starts loudly proclaiming that they don't serve people who wear fur and I shouldn't be served. I point out I'm not asking to be served, just want my vegetables. Name off list, and I'll be on my way, and oh, could that girl move please.

I end up having to shove past her and dive over some guy on a computer only to find that there are no small vegetable bags left. So I've been through all this harassment for nothing and just want to leave. Two-tones friend makes like she's going to block me in and then makes a big huff about moving her chair out of the way.

I then have to tell them there are no vegetables so I don't get charged for a bag. All the while I'm just receiving much abuse from little two-tone. I'm generally trying not to engage him. It really wasn't my intention to cause trouble and to be fair, I didn't do or say anything. He really started it and wouldn't drop it. I was highly tempted to point out that my jacket was leather, my purse was leather, my shoes were leather, and my wallet was leather as he only seemed to be fixated on the fur trim for some reason. But I thought maybe that wasn't a good idea, so I just did my best to ignore him. Told them I had no vegetables and made to leave.

And the door was stuck. I tried the lock, it wouldn't open and I had this fear that some creepy vegan had locked the door so they could continue down this vein of harassment. I was really frustrated and just wanted to leave, all the while stringy vegan is now shouting at me that I'm so stupid I don't know how to operate a door, so a woman gets up to help me get the door so two-tone starts yelling at her, then she's telling him off and it's all kinds of fun.

The door was just jammed, she managed to free it in a far firmer jerk than I would have felt comfortable doing. As I went to go, vegan fudnut yells at me that I better not ever come back. I couldn't help but return that I come every week for my vegetables as I went out the door.

The whole thing just left me a bit shaken up and jittery. I really do despise confrontation.

On top of which, I was thinking today earlier that I really need to give up the vegetable scheme as I'm not around much to make use of it and will soon be around even less as I split my time between Cambridge and London.

Is it wrong that the wanky vegan twat experience actually made me consider changing my mind and instead wearing fur there every week? Like I said, I really don't take well to being attacked. It only makes me want to get even.

Settling In

2010-01-21T14:34:00.003Z

I'll find a picture later to go along with this. I'm writing from my industrial partner's office where I have a desk. This is my second week here, and my second week of being a full time student, whatever that currently means. Not to belabor a point, but communication with Cambridge has been poor to abysmal. Go figure.

My industrial partner is much better. They expected me, they got me a desk and a phone and an email and an access card. I get invited to meetings and had a number of 'Meet and Greets' arranged for me by the group administrator.

Still, I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here other than learning and absorbing knowledge and information about their business and holdings that will hopefully all condense down into the fundamentals of my PhD thesis.

Still, it's like I have entered another world and this in itself takes some getting used to.

For starters, all of the men here wear suits. Every day. They tend to take their jackets off while sitting at their desks but every last man is suited. The women are a more diverse breed. Some wear suits and some don't. I have a feeling that the more senior female staff members tend to wear suits, but this doesn't always seem to be the case in either direction.

I only have one suit, and I can't wear it every day so I've been doing my best to 'dress up' though I feel like I'm not doing a very good job. I just don't have the wardrobe for it. And now that I'm a student, I don't have much of a budget to fix it either. Oh well.

Here's another thing. Most of the women are thin. Maybe I'm too used to spending my time in East London, but these fragile waifs wandering about in their suits (or not suits) make me feel slightly ill at east. Oh, and most people are white as well, though I have met the occasional minority, they are most certainly a minority here.

And of course there is just the waft of money in the air. I'm sure everyone here is on a very good salary by my standards and probably by industry standards. I bet some of them are on incredibly good salaries. More than I would ever have hoped to achieve. It's not that anyone does anything to throw this in your face, it's just this overwhelming sense of it. That's a bit strange to get used to as well.

These are the things that vaguely startle me. On the positive side, this office is incredibly friendly. For as 'business' as everyone is, they really are quite warm and welcoming which is nice. And the company seems to provide nice perks. Nothing outrageous, but enough small things to just generally make a pleasing working environment.

Oh, and the office chairs are like super top end. I spent a good portion of today messing with the 20 chair adjustments I could make. Although I need a footrest thing because my legs are short, my chair is so so so comfortable. Now if only I could take one of these puppies home.

Because things haven't really taken off yet, I feel more like I'm slowly easing into my new position rather than being thrown in head first. This is probably something I should be happy about, but it makes me nervous as I keep wondering just when the shit is going to hit the fan and things are going to be expected of me. Like I'm going to get caught with my pants down or something. I prefer to be prepared and to know what's coming. Just now, I feel like I don't know very much- so that makes me uneasy.

I do know though, that the canteen has a lovely sushi pack for £3.50 every day. For now, that will have to appease.

Ice and Babes

2010-01-09T10:07:00.003Z

Well, I can't make up my mind which topic I'd rather talk about just now so I think I'll talk about both. Pressingly, it's rather icy outside. This is what happens when no one shovels. Even though there was only a small amount of snow (really) in London, compressing it by stepping on it, letting it warm just enough in the sun to liquefy and then ice up again in the night turns certain streets and sidewalks into sheets of ice. Including the one just outside my house. It can't be even an inch in thickness, but it's enough to take your life into your own hands by walking on it. Luckily, the street is more clear so if you can cross the ice sheet to walk on the street instead, you are okay.

Still, this perplexes me because it would have been very simple to avoid all of this ice if people would just shovel. My theory, for London at least, is this - you know those guys who pick up trash in the wheelie bins? Why not, for the days that it is snowing, take away their wheelie bins and give them a shovel? As long as you make a clear path, it will actually stay clear even if it doesn't get warm enough to get rid of all the snow. This is obvious around London when you go places where people walk a lot, and can see that as long as the snow was gone from the start, it generally stays clear.

But seriously. Come up with a strategy. I just did. It's not that hard. And it would save a lot of falls!

Now, to completely change subjects.

I have a couple of friends who are trying to get pregnant and one friend who is at least halfway through cooking her bun in the oven. Not to mention those friends of mine who already have kids.

In fact, it's a somewhat unfortunate side effect of Facebook- to see people I have met at various stages throughout my life who were, when we met let's say 'at the same point' as me. Some of them, like, people I went to high school with, are just having their first children now. So on the one hand I don't feel that behind, but on the other hand if you consider that before you get a kid you probably have relationship for a while, and then a marriage for a bit, and then you might try for a kid and it still takes nine months for one to mature, I guess I'm more behind then I thought.

On the other hand, my two closest friends from high school do not have children, and I believe there are a fair few others as well. So I'm not the only one- but when it's on your mind, I guess it's how you look at it.

Now my two friends trying to get pregnant are a study in contrasts. Both are concerned that they may not get pregnant, but both are approaching it entirely different. Friend one (who went off the pill first) is worried that it might not happen. Has occasionally checked her hormone levels to see if she is ovulating. Her and her husband have decided however, if they don't get pregnant, it's just not meant to be. They wont' do IVF. They'll get pets.

Then there is my other friend. She went off the pill a few months ago and is not pregnant yet. For various other reasons, this event has become the only thing of importance to her life. In fact, in some ways she is hanging her whole value as a person on whether or not she can get pregnant. She's been to the doctor to get tested and checked. She's sending her husband to get checked. She says after 6 months they must start hormone therapy. She says because she isn't pregnant yet she feels as though she is broken, and that she has left it all too long.

To which I am utterly puzzled. What does 'left it too long' mean really? Because she, like many of my female friends, always assumed we would grow up to have a husband and probably a family and for many of us, this did not happen in the way that we expected when we were children.

She hasn't gotten pregnant yet because the opportunity really wasn't there. If she were to look at the course of her life, I suppose she could have gotten pregnant 'by mistake' at some point. But had that happened, she would have probably had an abortion. She was never in the relationship she wanted or needed to be in to raise a child. So I don't really see how she can be so critical of herself now- that she left it too long. If it was going to happen earlier, it would have happened earlier.

And then to say this to me, who only has one ovary now, who does not have the husband, or even the relationship that might be a husband and so am at least a few years off of the possibility of having children (at least how I currently think of it) I find slightly mental (or at least, inconsiderate).

I know there are other significant reasons that have to do with who she is as a person and her current life choices and resulting situation for why this particular life event has taken on such immeasurable significance. But still. It's sometimes difficult to listen to.

And it does make me think about things I don't think about all that often- mainly, about whether or not I want children and how there is a time window that gets smaller and smaller every year for that to happen. It is fair enough to say that I am well past the half way point of my ability to have a child. And although there are many likely years ahead of me, it's well on the downward slope now. Not to mention that, as I say, without a relationship with any sort of potential, some of that time is just eaten up anyway and the window gets smaller and smaller.

Will I be sad if I never have children? I think so. It is something that I always thought I wanted. But I only wanted it within the context of a relationship and family. I have never been overly keen on babies or fantasized a lot about being a mother. But it is something, within the general outline of my life that I thought I would like to have or be.

And that may not happen. I suppose I could always adopt. I could always find someone with children already. There are other ways to 'have children'. But I mean having my own. I understand that this may not happen. Yes, this makes me sad. But I also understand that as sad as it may make me, there was no opportunity along the way where it would have been a good idea for me to have a child either.

I suppose I could have done it alone. Been a single parent. But then my life wouldn't be at all what it is now. My entire life would have been about being a single parent for a good long time. I would maybe never have moved to England, possibly never become an architect. Of course this depends when it might have happened. Having a child on your own is hard. And expensive. So while it could have happened, maybe, I don't really regret that I didn't have an accident or mistake. And that's what it would have been. I have never been in a place where I was actively wanting a child with someone. That just hasn't happened yet and it may not happen ever.

But I don't really see that I'm to blame or that I've done something wrong. Or even that I'm broken. Life is what it is you know? No one gets everything that they want, and you have to learn how to cope with disappointment. Even for things that you might really really want. Hopefully, there are other things in your life that make you happy and content. Children really shouldn't be the end all be all of your existence. I mean, what does that then say about you as a person? That you are nothing without a child? Then you are basically saying that you are nothing now.

Frankly, I find that much more sad.